GettinKinny

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Blasted cookies! They got me too! I tried a different approach at Christmas by not cooking so much food and not going with traditional eats, but I did make cookies (an old tradition with my kids) and proceeded to eat them. I finally experienced that crappy dumping feeling...had to just crawl in bed and suffer. I drank too much wine...I ate fried food with gluten...ugghh. I did, however, come to a shocking realization. Each time my daughter has come down from school at the holiday, I have begun subliminally planning this crazy, entitled eating. I used her time with me as an "excuse" or a "free pass" to run amok. In the past 4 days, I have lost the 9lbs that I gained over my 5 day eating frenzy. I am back on track, walking and eating well. Today, I am at my lowest weight since starting this whole journey.

 

This is a huge victory. In the past, if I blew it, I was out and in it for months and gaining weight like a freight train. Today, even if I feel bad about it, I can forgive myself, learn from what I did, and regroup. I never did this in the past. I admit, it is really scary to know that (a) I can eat like that if I want to and (B) I can gain weight so rapidly. The upside to this is that I don't have to live there. I can regroup and get back on track. I learned that when my daughter comes to visit, or when I go up there, for whatever reason, it is a trigger for me to blow it, and I need to do work around that. Instead of beating myself up...I am just looking at what happened as "good information". That's really all it is...information. The more I know about myself and am willing to actually look at it and be honest with myself, the more I can grow, change, evolve...

 

I agree that its hard to do this on my own, but I am giving myself more credit every day for having a willingness to look at what is underneath the reactions, the behaviors, and the cravings. You are 100% right that our surgeries didnt "fix" our brains. Truthfully, I dont think our brains are broken, just conditioned to react a certain way. I absolutely believe that we can change this bit by bit. I see you do it with every post you put up here. I see myself doing it also. I dont like to think that we are in for a life sentence of suffering and sadness. I think we need to treat ourselves with the same love, kindness, forgiveness and acceptance that we give to others. We are human. I used to work so hard to be "perfect"...to feel like I was "enough". Now I glory in my own imperfections. I am ok...relieved even...that I dont have to be perfect...and that my imperfections dont make me "less than" anyone else.

 

I am learning to detach a little from my thoughts. They are only thoughts...not necessarily truths. I notice them...acknowledge the negative thoughts, and just let them go. I am seeing that the more attached i get to negative thoughts about myself, the more unhappy I become, and the more likely I am to derail. I dont have to "be" what my thoughts tell me I am. Today, I choose compassion and forgiveness for myself. I am working hard on mindfulness - being present in the right here and right now. I have spent so much of my life anticipating and planning for where I will be that I have not truly valued where I am right now. In the end, right now is all we have...so I, for one, plan to live in the moment and appreciate what is good about me - there is a lot! :)

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9 MONTHS!!! Week 37-38 Weight 191.2    from highest -118.8 from surgery -71.2   Down 1.2 since last week

 

December was hard for me, heck in general winter normally is. In year's past, I would gain 15-30 pounds from Thanksgiving until New Year's. This year I gained 1.4 pound from my lowest weight. So I think that's an amazing improvement from years past.

 

I was hoping and planning to be 179 by December 31st and unfortunately that plan didn't happen. I am only upset in the fact that I did not work hard enough to achieve it. Again, December was hard for me. And I come to the realization, that life is hard and will be. I need to strap on my big girl pants and know that this is for the rest of my life and that I will struggle mentally and that is okay. This surgery did not magically fix my brain. Other things come so easily to me and this unfortunately does not. I struggle, I backslide...and sometimes I feel like I am failing forward...but I am not alone in this...and on my own strength alone I cannot achieve clarity or the strength I need to combat this. So, I am doing all that I can for me and asking for help from friends, family and God.

 

2014 was my year and losing over 80 pounds this year has been a great triumph. I have reset my goal to 160. I think giving myself the unrealistic goal of 140 put too much pressure and I started to slip back into old habits when my stalls occurred.

 

So, my new goal is 179 by Valentine's day. I can do this...back on track, back in the saddle and refocused to love me...and not with food, especially not cookies...even gluten free one's!

I agree with oine statement the most, 2014 was definitely your year and 80 lbs is a hell of an accomplishment! dont beat yourself up (thats how many of us get into this mess in the first place)

take joy in what you have accomplished. thatdoesnt mean stop working hard, but it does mean that you need to work hard, tempered with celebration of your accomplishments and looking at the big picture. its good to have goals, but dont get to hung up if you are off my a little! goals are meant to be hard to attain, but if you get close it means you worked hard towards it!

Good for you! i bet your family is very proud of you!

 

Edited by uglydude

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