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How to get spouse to stop bringing in bad food/tempting to go eat bad things

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First of all let me say in no way do I think he wants to sabotage me. I don't think he gets how hard it is for me to stay away from hips, crackers etc. I do the grocery shopping & can honestly say I do not buy anything I'm not supposed to eat. Don't even go down boxed/processed food isles. Shop perimeter fruits, veggies, meats. However then my husband makes these mini grocery runs & brings back chips, crackers, Oreos etc. he is not overweight, ears like a cow, doesn't exercise at all & it pisses me off. Why aren't you fat eating all that crap? I have said don't bring that crap in this house I'm trying to eat right & I don't need temptation but then I feel bad he isn't far why can't he eat what he wants I should be able to control myself right? But at same time I think why can't he respect me & do as I ask and not bring it in. How do others cope with family & their eating ?

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First of all, I want to tell you congratulations! It looks like you are doing great with your sleeve!

 

AND... you are soooo not alone in your struggle with loved ones and temptation.

 

Now the tough news (and some may disagree), it's up to YOU to make sure this surgery works for you. Spouses and loved ones without a weight problem or any experience with a food addiction or eating disorder just DON"T UNDERSTAND. Like you said, there's no sabotage involved, they just don't understand how difficult it is. And those loved ones WITH a weight problem/ food issue are not in the same place as we are. We can hope they will eventually get a grasp on their eating issues, but we can't force them to comply to our new eating habits just like we couldn't have done it if we wanted to a couple of years ago.

 

Talking with them so they will try a little harder and possible agreeing to some ground rules will make it easier. But, we are ultimately responsible for our eating choices. Right now is the time to really focus on making better food choices (which it is clear you are) but also for developing coping strategies and alternatives for when we are faced with the urge to eat out of boredom, habit, emotion, or just plain social needs.

 

If we don't develop those coping mechanisms now, while weight loss is quick, hunger is minimal, restriction is still at its max, and we are still enthusiastic, we risk falling apart each time we go to a party, the candy bowl is passed around at work, or the menu puts a big ole picture of cheesecake on the front... jerks :P!

 

Most of us are fortunate that our loved ones really do want to see us succeed and are willing to be reminded periodically that we need their support and that may include them limiting what THEY expose us to. But, IMO, we are the ones responsible for making healthy choices and if WE don't figure out how to do that ourselves, no amount of restraint from our loved ones can keep us from going back to old habits when we are challenged by real life.

 

You're doing great with your weight loss journey... it may be time to tackle the tough mental aspect of it now. GOOD LUCK! You can do this... forever!

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Oh... and a few tricks I have learned to keep my husband and kids happy while keeping temptation to a minimum:

 

I, of course, take charge of groceries. I also decide what's for dinner or discuss it with hubby AND I cook it! Being in charge of meals allows me to make sure I have high protein, yummy options for myself. But I include a side that THEY like and that I don't really care about... a bread, mac and cheese, pasta... so they don't feel deprived, lol.

 

Also, I periodically buy or make yummy desserts for them. I don't make modified desserts that I can eat. That leaves them unsatisfied and, honestly, just triggers me to want yummy sweets. I make or buy GOOD STUFF that they like but that I am not a real fan of so it's easy for me to sip a protein hot chocolate while they nom down on REAL dessert.

 

And, there are times when I make my husband think he is getting to choose something yummy for dinner. I suggest they order or eat out at a favorite fast food or take out restaurant but I suggest where, based on what I DON'T feel like eating at the moment. So, if I am not in the mood for pizza... I suggest we call for pizza. AND I will eat before the pizza comes so I am really not hungry.

 

Hope some of this helps:)

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I understand what you are saying, but I don't agree with it. My boyfriend who lives with me and my nephew, are both slim and have no problems eating whatever they want. And I have no problems with them eating it, if my boyfriend wants chips or candy we buy it, I have the willpower to stay away because it is not for me. I would never dream of telling him he can't buy chips with his money. That is just not my style why punish him, because I'm overweight. Just like he doesn't tell me I can't have unsweetened vanilla almond milk in the fridge. Just like when I make a dinner I want but I know he dislikes, I make him something he likes for his dinner, cause I'm not going to force him to eat something I like that he doesn't. It is called being in a relationship.

 

edited for typos

Edited by sweetpea1981

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There's plenty of junk in the house where I live since there are 7 of us here, five adults and two little kids. What they eat doesn't bother me at all, and an occasional cookie or a couple of spoons of ice cream won't derail me anyway. My problem was big meals and second helpings and there's no way I can (or will) do that again.

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Understand completely Nursehud. Told my husband for the last 3 weeks all the things I can/can't have because he likes to make sure I'm eating. What does he bring me this morning - Starbucks Chai Tea! His sad response was - you said you could only have liquids two days before surgery. Non-losers just don't get it.

You might try a separate cabinet as well as a top shelf in the fridge for just your foods so you don't have to see the other foods. I've always had a separate cabinet and a fridge in the garage for my husband's goodies and lunch supply to avoid the kids eating it when they were little. Now I have two cabinets and top shelves in the fridge for my WL goodies. Out of sight might help.

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Like I said I do the grocery shopping & I make right choices in my shopping. I do ALL the cooking & I cook appropriate & I eat protein & veggie & cook him a carb which 99% of time I don't eat. I'm not saying he can't bring it in but not in excess & we don't have kids so I'm not depriving a child. I agree I have to learn to resist & I do 98-99% of the time. My issue is he buys it & it sits for 3-4 wks without him touching it & then sometimes I give in. If he would buy it & just eat it right away it'd be no prob. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself when I do indulge here & there. I just always feel like its gonna make me slip back into snacking.

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I understand your problem with it sitting there, taunting you.  THAT is not something you should have to put up with.  Sooo, You tell him to put it somewhere ELSE, where you aren't going to see it and know its there.

 

I am a firm believer in not forcing someone else to eat things the things I do, but I do not think its necessary for them to have it all lying about in plain sight for their entertainment value.

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I understand I'm in a relationship & its give & take. I take offense to that statement. One could say the same for him. He's in a relationship too & should respect me. It can go both ways

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I am tempted by some of the stuff my husband eats so I asked him to keep it in his man cave. As long as I don't see it or know its here, I am okay. 

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well I'm sorry you take offense to the statement, but it's true. Would it be ok for your husband to tell you he doesn't want your protein shakes or your veggies, or any other healthy food you have in the house. I'm sure that wouldn't be ok with you, but yet you are trying to tell him that he can't have his food stuff in the house, to me that is a double standard. That is just my opinion and how I feel. If my boyfriend wants to buy snack food he is entitled to, if I'm going grocery shopping and he puts it on the list I buy it, cause my weight problems are not his and I have the willpower to stay away from it. You are going to be around temptations all the time at work, at family events....are you go to tell people at work they can't bring in candy or cupcakes cause you might cave in....this is YOUR problem not theirs, you have to learn to deal with temptations and everyday life that revolves around food, and the answer isn't to ban it cause that will never work.

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IMO if it bothers YOU to see him eat crap in front of you then tell him. ASK him not to do it in front of you, and not to keep temptation in the house. He may not have a problem with your wishes, but if he does remember it is YOUR problem with temptation and jealously. and yes you are jealous and that is YOUR problem.

my guess is somewhere in the middle you will find some common ground.

 

JMO YMMV

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My husband went to lunch with our son the other day and brought home a piece of Lemon Meringue pie and said

"Honey, I brought you home your favorite pie"

I said "You know I can't eat that, I'll get sick"

Then he says "Well you can just nibble on it~ it won't hurt you"

Really?

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It's an adjustment for everyone involved. I worried that my husband would inadvertently try to tempt me, but it's been ok. I don't change the things I buy for him or the kids. I don't think it's fair to stop them from having what they want because if a CHOICE I made.

That said, I think he was used to me bring easily tempted in past diet attempts, and realized post op this was a whole different ball game. And if it has happened where he asks "one little bite" or "just taste this", I know he is doing it out of love and not from a mean place. In the beginning our emotions can really try to convince us differently.

Stay strong and be honest with him. Hopefully you can work something out that suits you both.

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Ah the battle of the sexes -.- Not to mention the EXTREME moods us post-ops suffer... we can really feel like no one understands what we feel, but sugar, WE DO UNDERSTAND.

 

It hurts, I know, to have our loved ones eat around us like nothing has changed. But be compassionate yourself, would YOU want to be denied being yourself if a loved one was on a diet FOREVER? Nah, I don't think so. It would SUCK. 

 

Communicate, as everyone else has said. Tell him at least eat the stuff that triggers your issues away from you. Keep it in a special place where you can't find it. If he refuses... well, I'm sorry sugar... that's an issue a bit past all our expertise. 

 

And you have to buck up and stay strong in your therapy and your journey! Food is not the enemy. WEAKNESS IS. We are here to support each other! Lean on us, ok? WE ALL HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT, regardless if you think your situation is unique. Cuz babe, it's not. 

 

I pray for you and know you so got this, you just have to tell yourself so!!! :-D <3

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I still buy junk for the family and make them treats. I also do the shopping, so I tend to buy them snack foods that don't bother me, and luckily I am never one to be tempted by sweets. Carbs like chips, potatoes, breads etc were my downfall. I say if your hubby wants junk in the house, he should be able to have it, but it would be super nice for him to keep it somewhere you don't see it. A rubbermaid container in his bedroom closet or a coat closet or in the garage. I have always been more successful if I don't have visual stimulation, like I would never leave bread on the counter, it goes in the bread drawer and these days I never go in there. I have been buying nuts and fresh fruit for my snacks, and if anyone has some I am all for it. Good luck, Jen

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 find it insane some of you are saying well get over it im not tempted at all, i call bs. you didnt get to bmi's of 42,47 and so fourth because you had will power so dont act hollier than though like you never struggle. the surgery helps but its a tool it doesnt completely change you. this is supposed to be for support not judgment and critism.

Uhhhhhm, I didn't gain weight by eating bags of chips and I'm not tempted by the food others bring into the house, and I don't feel holier than anyone. My struggle right now is eating enough food with protein and it's been that way since surgery. If you choose not to believe it, that's up to you, but challenging my experience by calling it b.s. is both judgmental and critical.

 

People here have shared their experiences with you about what works for them. You asked a lot of questions and then got angry with the answers. 

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Sounds like you are confusing 2 issues---first, your unhappiness in your marriage and second, food cravings---and then lashing out at some forum members that are trying to be helpful by providing you with some differing perspectives on your situation and telling you what has worked for them.  That is not fair!  

 

When you post on a forum such as this, you have to accept that you will receive a range of responses.  Sometimes you get 'oh, poor you' sympathy and sometimes you get a range of suggestions that are intended to be helpful, ranging from food tips to advice that you toughen your resolve and fight your way toward your goal.  It is always helpful to remember that what you interpret as criticism depending on your mood at the moment, was probably written with the very best of intentions. Posters who write with malice generally don't last long on the forum. 

 

If you just want to vent or whine (as we all do at times), you might state that at the beginning of your post so that those who are inclined to offer helpful suggestions won't waste their time drafting responses to you. We write because we want to help, but no one here gets paid for time spent offering a helping hand.  Wishing you all the best on your journey.

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I wasn't and I'm still not tempted by anything my family eats. You can call bull if you want, but it doesn't help your situation.

And I didn't gain weight either by eating bags of chips. I had a metabolic issue. Everyone is on their own journey and is here to offer advice based on their experience.

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just like the recovery from addiciton to drugs or alcohol, life after surgery is pretty much the same : you cannot change the world around you, but you can certainly change the way you view the world.

junk food and bad habits got us all to a point of ill health where we couldnt manage our lives and our weight was out of control.

depending on others to police our eating habits never worked before, why expect it to do so now?

this is YOUR life, YOUR surgery and YOUR journey. sad to say you occupy the same space with people who may inadvertently (or worse, purposefully) ignore your new found sensitivities. therefore, YOUR wellbeing is YOUR responsibility, not THEIRS.

if you eat sweets and DUMP, ittl be YOUR butt lying shaking and cold sweating like a junkie jonesing (been there done that, thak you Popeye's honey and 1/2 biscuit)

if you over eat and throw up in agony bec it feels like something is caught in your angry lil pouch nobody else is gonna hold your newly growing hair out of the way so it dont get splattered int he toilet bowl.

and if you eat rice 3x/day simply bec your family is visiting from the philippines itll be your 4lbs weight GAIN (*gasp) in 2 wks rather than the puny 5lb wt loss a month you were so deperately trying to maintain late post op.

my husabnd eat a lot of crap too. i cannot change his ways. he is over weight but healthy as a horse (just weighs as much as one ;-)

he does most of his snacking in the basement den, where unfortanutaley the laundry area is located. before i do my laundry i put away all his junk. and he has even started a "lock box" where he squirrels away some of his evil stash (damn you Walkers shortbread!!!)

ive filled the basement fridge w lots of MY healthy stash (trader joes kale chips, diet snapple, SF popsicles, edamamae chips etcc)

try going back to basics, talk to a friend, vent here.

we are all here for each other, hon. good luck and i hope ive helped a bit.

*hugs*

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ive filled the basement fridge w lots of MY healthy stash (trader joes kale chips

Will have to try those. My diet is far too limited and I'm getting bored with it.

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I did change some of what comes into the house. My kids still get chips, but we do personal sized bags, and when they finish with them, they are to put them away in a cabinet in the pantry that I don't go near. It helps me not to see it lying around. I have pretty good willpower, but it's like...like the same principle as having rules for cash handling for cashiers at a grocery store. They may be the most trustworthy employees in the world, but when you put temptation in front of them day after day, and they realize after a while that no one will catch them and there will be no repercussion if they steal a $50, then some of them may cave and do it.

So we put it away. I don't mind if they eat in front of me, but I don't want it laying around afterward. I'm good, but I'm human.

I don't feel it is right to deprive my kids or husband of the occasional treat, but we do NOT buy big bags of chips or keep pop in the house, and NO fast food comes into the house. Either they eat it at the restaurant or they don't get it. Period. I have limits and I'm all too aware of those.

I would say it's a case of knowing your limits and asking for some compromise. It's different for everyone because everyone has different limits. :)

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i truely dont care if he eats it in front of me that doesnt temp me. as far as work family functions etc go that doesnt bother me either. its looking at it day in and day out that gets me craving it. he will buy like 4 bags of chips and take 3 months to eat them so its sitting there taunting me. i truely do not struggle with any foods but chips. nothing else temps me at all. i think ill do your suggestons and get him a snack rubbermade for bottom of pantry. so it wont be in my vision.out of sight out of mind. and for the record my eating habits had jack to do with my weight gain. i was 110-140 up until 3 yrs ago. i have an autoimmune disorder which attacks my spine/hips. do to aggressive steroid doses and multiple injections into my hips and spine i gained from steroids and lyrica to control nerve pain. and i was never saying hes not allowed his treats i was looking for a compromise not to be attacked. i find it insane some of you are saying well get over it im not tempted at all, i call bs. you didnt get to bmi's of 42,47 and so fourth because you had will power so dont act hollier than though like you never struggle. the surgery helps but its a tool it doesnt completely change you. this is supposed to be for support not judgment and critism. it pissed me off to act like i dont compromise in my relationship and throw him under the bus. i work full time with an autoimmune disorder that leaves me in constant pain as well as a neuromuscular disorder that affects my heart as well. yet im the money maker in this fam. i do all cleaning,all cooking,etc.. i think for all i do for this household its not much to ask to put his treats where they arent in my face. you made it seem like im a bad spouse and that irritated me because if anything im the one who works my butt off in severe pain so i can support us while he does the job he likes which makes minimal money instead of using his degree and make more. i give of myself alot and to suggest im not doing my part in this relationship when you know nothing about it is rude. i make many sacrifices for his happiness which im glad to do which are much harder than hiding his damn snacks. even my husband read the comment and thought you overstepped judging our relationship.

 

No I got my BMI of 47.9 because my stomach wasn't telling me I was full. At least I have the courage and the accountability to myself to put my starting BMI and weight out there. It is really sweet of you to point it out. It just shows me where I came from and how far I've come. And you are so right this surgery is a tool and I'm working it like a master carpenter. So call BS all you want but I'm not the one who has a problem with a bag of chips in my cupboard. I chose what goes in my mouth and that bag of chips can be staring me in the face and I'm going to go for protein, because I have very limited space in my stomach and why would I waste it with chips. Just food for thought....

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Uhhhhhm, I didn't gain weight by eating bags of chips and I'm not tempted by the food others bring into the house, and I don't feel holier than anyone. My struggle right now is eating enough food with protein and it's been that way since surgery. If you choose not to believe it, that's up to you, but challenging my experience by calling it b.s. is both judgmental and critical.

 

People here have shared their experiences with you about what works for them. You asked a lot of questions and then got angry with the answers. 

 

x10,000

 

I didn't gain weight that way, either.  Mine was mostly hormonal and a gone metabolism. I didn't eat crap like chips and whoppers, I actually had a healthy diet.  I just ate too much of it which proves too much of a good thing is still a bad thing.  I'm not tempted by the food others bring into the house either.  I look at it as poison.   If I cook my diet for the family and they like it good for them.  If they don't then they can make their own meals, and they often do.  But they also often like my food so it works out.  I'm not now, and never have been perfect and have eaten things I shouldn't both before and after my surgery, but the key is moderation now.  Severe moderation.  It does work.

the end.

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I wish I could blame all my weight gain on my bum thyroid.  It did make a difference.  It made a huge difference.  My weight cycled up and down for years.  And then one day, it cycled up, and it wouldn't go back down.

 

I abused food for years though.  I didn't gain weight from the thyroid... I just couldn't lose because of it.  I gained weight because I would eat a foot long subway sandwich, an entire large back of chips, a two liter of soda, and two hours go back to eat a pint of ice cream.  And I was lucky to stop at that before I went to bed. 

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