ridgetop01

Screw ups!

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As we continue on this journey, I find that the challenges are different - losing more slowly without letting it get to us, dealing with the old demons, finding ways to get through the bad days and back on the wagon - sigh. For me it's a sort of up-and-down journey, feeling great sometimes, and really lousy about things at others. My hardest times are at work, because that's where I used to eat a lot of junk food to deal with stress/boredom/etc. Now I need to find different ways to deal with those feelings than eating about them. Also, work is always a ready source for junk food, everywhere there are candy dishes, machines, etc.

Yesterday was tough, but I'd kind of been building up to it. In previous days I'd had a mini candy bar, two mini bags of freeze-dried fruit instead of one, a small piece of cake at church. The two bags of freeze-dried fruit was especially significant, because in the past that's what I'd do - go for quantity, binge, and to be binging (in a small way, but still doing it) on what had been a "safe", low-cal option for me post-surgery was disturbing. Then, yesterday I did it all - half of a big cookie at lunch, a chunk of french bread with butter, a mini tootsie-roll and a mini candy bar. I felt LOUSY about myself, and then last night I paid the price, I had terrible pains in my bowels, cramps I guess, ended up taking a big dose of Milk of Magnesia and being up and down much of the night to clear it out. I feel a lot better today, clear headed, but now I need to process the lessons learned - that those little bits add up, and they just aren't worth it, and I need to just avoid them because once I start I have a REALLY hard time stopping. I am very optimistic about this, I believe I can do it, just need to hang on to that optimism and keep moving forward at the slow and steady pace, eating fruits, vegies, protein, avoiding those carbs because they absolutely catch up with me psychologically as well as physically.

How are you all doing in this respect? It's such a journey, and there seem to be a fair number of pitfalls along the way to deal with! I hope you are all well today, and that you have a wonderful and healthy weekend - we are going to a big family reunion, lots of food, eating out, etc, and in some ways I'm glad this happened because it helped me get my head back on straight!

judy

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I think we will all go through days like that. I haven't experienced that yet because I am still pretty new out from surgery. I don't look forward to it! But even though I am almost 4 months out, I have only lost 1 lb in about 10 days. Its discouraging and I know it happens, just frustrating when you are eating exactly as prescribed. I think I need more cals and protein than I am getting. So today I will try to increase them. Weird that we have to eat more in order to loose. This is such a head trip isn't it...

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I'm struggling with that whole "learning to eat like a normal person" thing. I'd like to be able to enjoy food again. While I know I will always be conscious of how much protein I eat and how much sugar I eat, I'd also like to eat a fun snack now and then without feeling horribly guilty about it not being slices of turkey and cheese :)

After I run a race, I'll eat a bagel and cream cheese. Or even have some chocolate milk! But I also realize that it's a treat because I finished a hard race. I've had occasional fun size bags of M&Ms (a total weakness), but I also eat my snack first (most of the time!) and then have them as a treat, and the small bag is enough. I've only given in to a full bag from the vending machine once, and I was so ill, I've learned my lesson!

My husband thinks I should go visit the nutritionist to discuss my calorie intake and learning how to add more calories to go to maintenance. I'm kind of enjoying that I'm still losing, and maybe I'll just ride it out and see how much more I'll lose before going to maintenance. My goal is 140, so I've got a little less than 7 pounds to go - and that puts me at the upper edge of a "normal" BMI.

I still think that when in doubt, putting it into My Fitness Pal first, before eating it, is a wake up call. Sometimes the cheesecake is worth every darn calorie, and sometimes realizing how much is in a muffin helps me walk away.

Either way, I'll be honest - maintenance scares me most!

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Anna, you sound like you are doing great with managing the treats without getting carried away by them. I can manage special things - a little bit of cake, or similar - it seems to be the old binge-y things like candy that get me in trouble. I am much better about hopping back on the wagon now though - dusting myself off and getting on with it, I could never do that before. Every day is a new challenge, but it does seem to be easier, and certainly having this new shape and new clothes helps me to stop and think - do I really want to risk it all?

I do wish it would become a no-brainer though!!!!!!!!!+

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I am right with you and feel your pain. Just got home from a week at Disneyland. A few bites of ice cream here, a bite of churro there, a few M&Ms here. Sure, I'm not eating it all like before but I am eating it - without any pain or dumping. Today I had all good intentions of being back on track and walked in the work breakroom to grab my greek yogurt and there were apple turnovers. Did I make the right choice??? no. I had half an apple turnover. But I probably won't next time. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. I felt sick after. I'd much rather have a delicious shrimp or piece of salmon that a greasy turnover that makes my stomach hurt for two hours. But still, every day it's a battlefield.

Meanwhile I wonder why I've been stuck at 170-172 for weeks and weeks. Gee - what could it be???

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I am seriously battling the old demons. :( I'm actually getting ready to enter an intensive outpatient eating disorders program. *shame* I go for the face-to-face intake eval tomorrow morning. The bingeing and purging slipped back into my life way too easily and I realize that I have no control. Add in some other mental health issues and I'm in a rough spot. I gathered my courage, which took about all I had, and was honest with my therapist and my surgeon's dietitian, and this is the plan they've come up with. I want to get a handle on this so I don't ruin my pouch and my health.

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You can beat this demon Lindsay -- we are thinking of you. Fight hard and good luck!

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Lindsay, I am so happy that you are taking positive action to fight your battles now, before you get any further along. We do what we have to do to help ourselves continue on this road we have chosen. Keep us informed as to how you are doing.

Still fighting my battles, but as I said I'm getting better at it, smaller battles, better choices, going less far down the wrong road before turning back. I'm holding at around 165, happy to have made it this far. I'd like to go further, though, and I think I will lose more, just much more slowly. I'm trying to keep up the exercise, and particularly to add in some upper body work, because until now my only regular exercise has been walking. I've started lifting some hand weights every other day - my shoulders and arms are so thin, I sometimes wonder if there are any muscles LEFT there! I'm much thinner on my upper body than my lower - are others of you like that?

Take care, all of you. We can do this!!!

Judy

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Hi Judy - thanks for the update. I am stuck stuck stuck at 99 pounds lost and can't seem to get to that milestone 100. Worse, I feel like I am sabotaging myself with bad choices and little "treats" here there and everywhere. I'm wondering if there is an "8 month" cycle I haven't read about.

Anyway, I hope to break this rut soon. Helps to read and see how others are breaking through.

Christy

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Thanks, ladies...I appreciate your support. This is so hard and I feel so stupid. How did I really think I had "beaten" this when I've thought this sooooo many times? I'm really giving this my all, so I hope that I can say that I will actually beat it this time. I'm stepping down to the intensive outpatient night program tonight, which focuses more on binge and night eating. I don't need someone to watch me all day and make sure I eat. I need someone to watch me at night, when I'm alone, to make sure I DON'T eat. ;)

Therapy sucks, as does addressing all the junk that you've pushed down with food all your life. I'm having to admit a lot of things that are making me feel even WORSE right now, but I know things get worse before they get better. It's just so hard to admit your flaws, no matter the cause, when you've put on a front all your life and done too good of a job pretending that you're "fine", when you're anything but fine.

Judy, WTG on the strength training! I made my triumphant return to the gym today after almost 2 months of depression kicking my butt and it felt so good to have weights in my hands again. It really is a big help and if you see your upper body looking thin, I think you'll be really happy when you start seeing the results of your toning and build a bit more muscle. :)

Keep on keepin' on, friends! :)

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I do treat myself occasionally....I just add the fat/calories into my daily intake. I try not to do it often and I keep it on the small side. Some say not to chew gum but it's a staple of mine as I get incredibly stressed at work. I dump like crazy on carbs and sugar but will have the occasional Hershey's kiss or the little bag of butterfinger snackers. I just keep track of all of my numbers..fat/calories/ carbs....and if I decide to have a treat I eat tuna or a chicken breast or drink a protein shake for dinner...again....just not often. It's just not worth it most days and gum or fruit helps with the cravings most times. Or even grape tomatoes...mmmm...anyway...good luck all!!

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