Grace in TX

Snide Comments From The Boss

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When I first told my boss about my upcoming WLS, she seems to be very supportive, however, I don't feel that way now. About a week after I told her she said to me (during a conversation about my surgery) "I hope it doesn't 'change who you are'". I responded by saying, "I was a great person before, I'm a great person now and I'm pretty sure I'll be a great person after WLS". That shut her up.

After 24 years of smoking, I quit, cold turkey 3 weeks ago. She is a smoker and is constantly saying, "have you had a break? Or do you even need one now?" That is about the nastiest thing to say to someone who has just quit smoking. Maybe I need a break to get away from her and her foul-smelling smoky clothes.

Just this week, now that my surgery is just 2 weeks away, she says, "I really hope you know what you're getting in to". Does she think I made this decision last night and, just on a whim, decided to have major surgery, completely change the anatomic structure of my stomach, forcing myself to make major, life-long changes without so much as giving it a second thought? REALLY? And when I responded, "Yes, I know what I'm getting in to", her response was, "Oh, I know you say that". Makes me furious!

Finally, just this morning (the FIRST day of my pre-op liquid diet-which is gross!), she walks by my desk, breakfast in hand and says, "Oh, this smells so good. Oops, I'm sorry, you can't have this, can you?" To which I replied, "No, but you go right ahead, it doesn't bother me" (and, amazingly, it doesn't). Her reply: "Well, you've done so good on the other things"

Am I just being oversensitive? Or is this person completely off her rocker? I have to work with her everyday and closely, at that. I'm very strong willed and these comments will not get me down, but they do infuriate me at present. :angry:

What do you think?

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It sounds like she's being petty and more than a little bit passive aggressive.. If you were her smoking buddy and maybe her eating buddy at work, she's worried she's lost/losing both. If she's heavy, she may be jealous. Don't take on her petty jealousies on yourself.. those are on her.. I would say- it doesn't sound like you're being overly sensitive as much as she's being very insensitive. But you can't change her behavior, only your reaction to such. (oh, and I need to take my own advice here after my family blow out yesterday :/.. *sigh*)

Good luck w/ your surgery.

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It sounds like she's being petty and more than a little bit passive aggressive.. If you were her smoking buddy and maybe her eating buddy at work, she's worried she's lost/losing both. If she's heavy, she may be jealous. Don't take on her petty jealousies on yourself.. those are on her.. I would say- it doesn't sound like you're being overly sensitive as much as she's being very insensitive. But you can't change her behavior, only your reaction to such. (oh, and I need to take my own advice here after my family blow out yesterday :/.. *sigh*)

Good luck w/ your surgery.

Thanks! She can be very petty at times and I'm aware of this, but it's just hitting me hard right now. I'm also living 750 miles away from my family and close friends, so I don't have an outlet for my frustrations. You hang in there, too.

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I'm not defending your boss, she might just be a jerk, but consider this. I have lived in a few different places. Currently I live about 400 miles from where I spent most of my life. People here in Chattanooga think different than they do in Indiana. Some of the words or phrases they use have different meanings here. Sometimes I have to stop and consider those differences when I hear something said.

Another thing to consider is everyone has a different sence of humor. I know some people have a problem knowing when I am joking.

Anyway, there are a lot of factors that can weigh into this. Or, like I said, she might just be a jerk! :D

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She sounds passive aggressive. I agree with Kel on things, perhaps she is worried about losing the person she was able to smoke with or eat with. There is a loss to be mourned, just like we mourn losing something that may be one of our best friends- food. My boss made little comments all along the way but I don't think she was meaning them in a bad way. She told me about her failed friend who had lap band, she told me how she could never do it, how eating afterwards is probably "horrible" etc. I just brushed it off my shoulder. I know she is scared to lose the person she talked to about diets and struggling with being overweight. I am kind of her go to when it comes to that stuff because we are the only two overweight people at work. When I last spoke to her after surgery, she said "so have you lost -any- weight?" and I explained yes and how much and she followed it up with, "Yeah but the food has to be horrible..I could never eat like that.." so I just explained pureed foods isn't for long and soon I'll be back to eating all kinds of delicious, healthy things. She has been on a shake diet, so I made sure to point out that if she can do shakes, she can do this. I know it's just her own worries about if I'll get thin and she'll be stuck where she is. Brush the comments off of your shoulders and just remember that this is for YOU and no one else! The best revenge ever is to be happy :)

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I'm very strong willed and these comments will not get me down, but they do infuriate me at present. :angry:

I think you have every right to be angry, she is being a jerk, for whatever reason. I, on the other hand, take everyone's words to heart and am kind of glad I work from home so i can avoid these types of conversations (for the most part).

The best revenge ever is to be happy :)

Love it!!!!

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Maybe she is afraid your going to slim down and run off to a better job. LOL Or maybe she's just a jerk. Either way your making changes to improve your life and anyone who cared about you would be proud. Just forget about her snoody comments and focus on yourself. Good Luck!

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Thanks everyone. I do think she's unsure of the future. Not that I'm changing jobs, but that I won't be the same person she knows now. She is also very petty and insecure, I've come to understand through this. I'm trying to take the 'like water off a duck's back' approach to this. If she continues, I'll have to explain to her that it's hurtful and hope she gets the hint.

Seven days until my surgery! See you all on the flip-side! :D

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I think that you should tell her now that she is hurting you, and have a very frank discussion with her about it. She obviously has some issues and it would be good to know what they are. Also, some people just get in the bad habit of being sarcastic or saying "smarta** things, and that is not attractive. People who preface bad remarks with "I say what I think" need to learn some manners and become aware of what is going on with other people. Good luck with her, and good luck with your surgery.

Keep us posted!

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Just laugh it off don't let her see it has any significant impact on you. I reckon some people justify and lessen their own failures and shortcomings by encouraging others to fail too. If you fail it makes it easier for them to accept theirs.

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Yeah, don't let this woman get to you! I would no let her know she's getting to you, wait and watch ;) They say revenge is a dish best served cold, just wait till your losing weight, looking better every single week and feeling great! I think she will be feeling exactly like you do now!!! Enjoy the journey and don't let that insecure woman get you down. Perhaps you will inspire her to make changes in her own life down the line, she may even become a better person for the challenges you have made her face. Watching a strong woman take control of her own life, be that woman and rub her nose in it a little! :D

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Sounds to me like a little bit of jealousy on her part. You quit smoking cold turkey = you were her smoking partner . May be that she has tried to quit smoking and hasn't been able to ? You are doing something she was unable to do. Also she may feel like when you lose your weight you will be "too good " for her. KWIM????? My take is she has a lot of insecurities and trying to sabatoge you to keep you on her level and as her friend. She is threatened by your changes and how they will effect her.

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i hate to tell you this - but the surgery will change you... yes you will still be a great person after but to be successful you have to change. The first huge change she can spot is you not smoking anymore. This is affecting her since she's loosing you as a smoking buddy. I hope her pressure wont push you back! I have a friend just like your boss... well not as mean but always asking me to go smoke with her and all that lol Every-time we make plans to meet she's like telling me we have to go somewhere WE can smoke and i always tell her - i quit!! - and she's always answering - not for long lol........ Have you ever heard of obesity is contagious? people that eat unhealthy get those around them to eat unhealthy too.. those that smoke dont want to loose their smoking buddies ... She knows she's loosing you.. a lot of the things you did together you probably wont do it again.. she just has to get use to it!

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I don't consider it passive aggressive. I think she's just crazy. Get a new boss!

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I don't consider it passive aggressive. I think she's just crazy. Get a new boss!

So on top of going through the stress of giving up smoking and having life changing surgery that will require a degree of time off work, and when the world is going through economic turmoil, your advice is for the OP to resign and get a new job, yeah great advice that!!! :blink:

Edited by Karlos

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My workplace advice -- and it's never popular round here so I should probably TAKE THE HINT LOL -- is that everyone should grow a thick skin asap, and let shtuff roll off your back early and often. There will always be jerk bosses and colleagues -- if you put energy into the interactions by responding or getting emotional, that only feeds into it. Best to keep the smile on your face and "never let 'em see you sweat." There are plenty of jerks who LIKE to make people feel crappy or to just take the mickey (what is the equivalent American phrase for that??? Is there one? LOL...maybe not...) all the time with people who react to it or visibly feel bad or take an ironic comment earnestly. Don't give them the pleasure, is what I say.

Good luck!! :)

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My workplace advice -- and it's never popular round here so I should probably TAKE THE HINT LOL -- is that everyone should grow a thick skin asap, and let shtuff roll off your back early and often. There will always be jerk bosses and colleagues -- if you put energy into the interactions by responding or getting emotional, that only feeds into it. Best to keep the smile on your face and "never let 'em see you sweat." There are plenty of jerks who LIKE to make people feel crappy or to just take the mickey (what is the equivalent American phrase for that??? Is there one? LOL...maybe not...) all the time with people who react to it or visibly feel bad or take an ironic comment earnestly. Don't give them the pleasure, is what I say.

Good luck!! :)

Thanks Dee, my skin is getting thicker as we speak.

Don't know what a 'mickey' is in this context, but there is an American phrase, 'to slip someone a mickey' or to put something their drink (usually drugs). Bad news!

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Thanks Dee, my skin is getting thicker as we speak.

It's interesting, but I think there is a tendency to get thicker skin metaphorically even as we're getting thinner physically. It's one of those side effects I like. :D Good to hear it!

Don't know what a 'mickey' is in this context, but there is an American phrase, 'to slip someone a mickey' or to put something their drink (usually drugs). Bad news!

Oh yeah, no, I don't mean that LOL!! It's like someone who is making fun of you to your face, but in such a way as to be fake-earnest or to fool you that they are not making fun of you. Lord, I can't even describe it well. But it's something that jerks like to do (and cool people too, when it's appropriate and not mean-spirited) to have a laugh at someone else's expense.

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It sounds like she's being petty and more than a little bit passive aggressive.. If you were her smoking buddy and maybe her eating buddy at work, she's worried she's lost/losing both. 

This is how my boyfriend got prior to me getting it. However, he was never supportive of me going in for "voluntary surgery", but that was because he was scared for me so I understood. But he would throw comments around me a lot too, most by accident or slip of the tongue. You can't let it bother you. If she was your friend or friendly with you before, then you know she's not trying to be ill about it. She's just confused and worried that she'll lose a closer co-worker, just like how my boyfriend was afraid he was going to lose me and we'd have to change. You two WILL have to change but, once the surgery is over and the whole "she can still change her mind and back out" time has passed, everything will ease into place.

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