annoyedfriend

how to handle a friend who is post-op

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Drew Carey has lost a lot of weight? Really? Good for him.

He looks fabulous. Very proud of him, whatever he did. Same with John Goodman. I hope whatever they did continues to work for them.

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Annoyed, Is it possible that she figures you've all talked about it and everyone knows? Kind of like when you're pregnant you realize you forgot to tell people and it's kind of a duhhhh???

At some point, I know that my friends will spill the beans and it will be out there. My mother even told my Kindergarten teacher and I'm 45!

no.. somehow a large amount of her friends don't know, or aren't saying that they do. she has told me, and a few friends, and the reason i'm here is to anonymously discuss the situation without spreading the story.

but daily on her fb page, when she is posting pictures or talking about how much she has lost there are still many many many responses asking her how.

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Annoyed -- I am very glad you're sticking in for the lively discussion.

It must be hard to see your friend lose weight and get accolades but not "fess" up to how.

We are a nice bunch of people, but it's early evening and we're hungry.

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He looks fabulous. Very proud of him, whatever he did. Same with John Goodman. I hope whatever they did continues to work for them.

Damn.

Well good for him!! That's great.

Sorry for the sidetrack OP:o

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How can you possibly say you support her weight loss in one breath and in the very next breath say you would consider ending your friendship with her based on your thinking she is 'misrepresenting herself'?

QUOTE]

i support any weight loss (unless there is an illness). i do not support dishonesty. and in my opinion she should either fess up or stop bragging all the time this was all done by her own will power.

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Well, then tell her that. I think some of the responses you've gotten from us will help you understand when she responds back to you.

Weight issues can mess with your head. I just want to be normal and not be the fat banker who had weight loss surgery. She may want to be the pretty mom with great kids who had successful weight loss.

Don't take that from her.

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I may be a little slow on the uptake here, but are you talking about two different friends? One that needed to lose about 100 lbs and the other who gained weight to have the surgery? Is the mutal friend the one that talks about how she "diets this", "exercises that"?

I disagree with the comment how "people on here suddenly become health and fitness experts". I believe that this is definitely a total change of life and if this is how these "people" get through it, more power to them. Isn't this what it's all about? A TOTAL CHANGE? I for one, will tell people the truth, when they ask. I'm not hiding anything. And again, this is NOT the easy way out. If it were, it wouldn't have taken me five years to make this decision.

Sure you can say I haven't had the surgery yet, but preparedness - mind, body and soul - is just as important as the surgery.

i am sorry, i had two issues, though really only one main complaint. i should have picked one or the other. she had a few kids, in a short span, then gained weight to have the surgery (this came out of her own mouth to a mutal friend), and within a yr of her last pregnancy she had the surgery and has lost 100lbs.

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...she was hardly even obese for a year. her getting the surgery wasn't right.

but still the main focus of my post was her representing herself like she did this on her own, and not giving credit to the surgery as for why she had to make these changes. i am not bashing people who have had it. please understand. this is one person that i don't know how to handle.

Why should she have to wait, though? Because other people did? Do you have to go through enough purgatory to deserve this surgery? Obviously I don't know your friend (or you) from Adam, but like Neezy said, she could have commorbidities. Or other issues we aren't aware of.

Some people have to wait for years because of insurance, but I don't see why surgery should be a moral issue, who "deserves" it or who "has really worked" for their weight loss. I'm getting surgery because it works in the long term for more people, unlike other methods. Guilt should go out the window.

Sure, she could be more forthcoming but in the end it's her business, no? Is she proactively telling people about the loss or simply answering questions? And if she's not telling people, maybe it's because she doesn't feel the need to be judged.

Btw, have you talked to your friends / family who have had the surgery about this?

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* just to add and kind of off topic.. some of you have referenced me not knowing about weight issues. i do know what it is like to have weight issues. i've been 300lbs before. as i said in another post, i understand the highs of being thin and the lows of being heavy.

i know there are different ways to obtain weight loss, gastic bypass was not an option i felt for myself, but i have many people close to me who have had it, it was right for them, it is not right for everybody. so i do understand the frustration of being overweight, obese... and i think we should all support eachother and be honest as to what works for us and makes us happy.

and just because i am angry with my friend for misrepresenting herself by portraying that she did this with only her own hands. that does NOT make me a bad friend. i'm not bullying her, i am not outing her.. i am just trying to understand why the dishonesty.

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i am just trying to understand why the dishonesty.

Hi Annoyed -- so after us bashing you for awhile, do you have any better understanding? (Again, you've been a good sport hanging in). Andrea

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Why should she have to wait, though? Because other people did? Do you have to go through enough purgatory to deserve this surgery? Obviously I don't know your friend (or you) from Adam, but like Neezy said, she could have commorbidities. Or other issues we aren't aware of.

Some people have to wait for years because of insurance, but I don't see why surgery should be a moral issue, who "deserves" it or who "has really worked" for their weight loss. I'm getting surgery because it works in the long term for more people, unlike other methods. Guilt should go out the window.

Sure, she could be more forthcoming but in the end it's her business, no? Is she proactively telling people about the loss or simply answering questions? And if she's not telling people, maybe it's because she doesn't feel the need to be judged.

Btw, have you talked to your friends / family who have had the surgery about this?

because i know that the surgery is a life changing event. i think it should be looked upon as almost a last resort. i have seen people who rushed into it, have the surgery fail and are back even bigger than they were. i know you all know it is a life changing proceedure and i am sorry if i think it should be more than a year of someone being obese before surgery is even thought about.

i have spoken to two people, one who the surgery didn't work for, and one who is only a short time out. they both share my frustration, believe it or not.

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Hi Annoyed -- so after us bashing you for awhile, do you have any better understanding? (Again, you've been a good sport hanging in). Andrea

no, because no one is really answering my problems.. and i am still waiting on someone to address her posts about throwing up (via her fb) and not explaining why. she should keep those things to herself , imo. and being we have mutal friends who are e.d. survivors, insensitive.

i'll stick around, as long as i can hang in there. i'm trying not to feel too attacked,lol. but also kind of hoping that someone will see the other side.

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no, because no one is really answering my problems.. and i am still waiting on someone to address her posts about throwing up (via her fb) and not explaining why. she should keep those things to herself , imo. and being we have mutal friends who are e.d. survivors, insensitive.

i'll stick around, as long as i can hang in there. i'm trying not to feel too attacked,lol. but also kind of hoping that someone will see the other side.

Well, I don't know if you'll get what you are looking for here.

I'm talking to my friend Heidi about how she feels about. She can totally understand where you are coming from. But, for me not telling she said it's none of her business and it's my decision to make.

And, if she has a problem she will either yitch to her husband or give me the stink eye every so often. Heidi did tell me I was going to start looking old as I lost weight so maybe that was her payback.

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no, because no one is really answering my problems.. and i am still waiting on someone to address her posts about throwing up (via her fb) and not explaining why. she should keep those things to herself , imo. and being we have mutal friends who are e.d. survivors, insensitive.

i'll stick around, as long as i can hang in there. i'm trying not to feel too attacked,lol. but also kind of hoping that someone will see the other side.

I kinda think it's sucky that people are bashing you. I think that you are genuinely concerned. It is hard to see her go through a constant lie, but you know what.. just support her. She's going to need help mentally when she does come to terms with being sick constantly... whether on her own or because of the surgery. It is hard for our loved ones to see us like this and I know that some of my "friends" couldn't handle it.

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I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by seeking advice before you make any major decisions about the way to approach your friend, especially if you are considering terminating the friendship. Everyone's advice is similar to the advice I would give (although I'm not much for being a tough advisor), but I also want to add that people act in ways that appear something on the outside that isn't necessarily whats going on deep down. It sounds like your friend must have underlying self-esteem issues that are causing her to say the things she's saying so publicly. If you want to help her, I would send her an email (I think writing is better sometimes in cases like this). Tell her you're CONCERNED about some of her behaviors lately. It is best to open the lines of communication in a caring way. I know she is annoying you. I REALLY understand this. But from my own experience of cutting off a friend who was acting crazy, I would suggest not to do that. I miss her and wish I was more understanding rather than getting emotionally heated about it. Anyway, if you want to read something that you will totally be able to relate to, get yourself the bok Teenage Waistland. The conflicts in this book are soooo similar to what you're going through. I swear. You will really be able to relate and possibly learn something from it. I just read it and loved it. Even though it's about teens, it involves all the drama that goes on when your friends get weight loss surgery.

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I totally understand where you are coming from with her not telling people BUT at the end of the day it is her decision. Personally I have told my parents, my aunt and uncle and one friend. If anoyone else asks they are told its diet and exercise...which isnt a lie!! :) Mabe you should just sit down with her and explain how you feel about her flaunting it but not answering peoples queries.

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i am just trying to understand why the dishonesty.

The 'dishonesty' as you like to call it (I call it a personal medical issue that is no one elses business until and unless *I* choose to share that information with them)... is obvious to me. Your own first post was filled with lots of reasons why she chooses to keep it private.

Just the thought process that says she took the 'easy way out'.. (your words).. and that she didn't "do it herself'... etc.. the thought that we have this surgery and boom, we get skinny through no effort on our own, etc.. and how it is judged as 'cheating' or 'undeserved' by many people is the reason many of us choose to keep it personal.

I didn't even attempt to keep it a private matter when I made the decision to have this surgery and told anyone and everyone.

3 years later, I'm far more circumspect with whom I share the info. I'll happily tell people I've lost x amount of weight and when they ask, I tell them how hard it was, and the things I have to do - Low fat, low carb diet and tons of exercise. And many times, I'll include that I had surgery. I shared with someone at the gym just yesterday. But many times I'll choose not to share that information... either the person I'm talking with has made me feel too uncomfortable to share or I feel some sort of judgmental vibe coming from them and so I decide not to. And my guess is, if your friend is not comfortable sharing this info, then perhaps looking into why she feels she can't share? Does she sense that there is a judgment that her weight loss is less of an achievement because she had surgery? Perhaps. Does she feel a safety sharing this info with her friends? And if not, why is that?

I am fairly active on FB and though I don't HIDE my surgery from anyone on it and I'm fairly open about the fact that I have lost a lot of weight and I work my food choices and I spend a lot of time in the gym (I was there when this thread went from 1 post to 30-something!) I do not talk openly about my surgery... it's just not every single person I have friended on facebook's business. When I need to discuss the surgery, I do so here. Or in private.

As far as the vomiting goes.... it's a somewhat common issue in the early stages.. if she is still vomiting months down the road, there is something wrong.. either she's eating the wrong foods or she needs to see a doctor...As her friend, it would be really good if you talked to her about this issue. It can harm her esophagus as well as her teeth if it continues long term.

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personally its nice to see that you are taken a step to try and mend your friendship.. coming on a site like this and asking your question says a huge amount on how much you love your friend!!

- i am not one of those people that talks about my weight loss and excerise.. etc. but i hate people who do. they go ON AND ON everyday and it gets old!!!!

- i did purposely gain weight in order to have this surgery but it was only about 20lbs (i would have gained it anyways. jsut not as fast).. there has been a poll on a different site where this is common. ive struggled in my weight since i was in 3rd grade and weighed 120lbs .. its been an up and down ordeal...

- on throwing up idk about everyone else but throwing up post op is very painful and if shes doing it on purpose she needs help or she needs to stop eating the things that make her because she will gain weight back.

- i do not tell most people about the surgery so when they ask me how i did it i do explain im on a high protein and i excerise 4x a week.. its true but people can be very negative about the surgery and when they dont know ive had it and they talk about it they say horrible things.(not saying your like that)

i believe shes saying it because frankly she feels amazing about it and wants all the glory!!

i agree with everyone.. maybe go out to lunch together alone and just discuss it.

if she doesnt end this and continues then dont be friends and tell her why. it will be hard but would u rather have it be done or secretly cant stand her anymore and act fake with her

good luck

Edited by racheyrach

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no.. somehow a large amount of her friends don't know, or aren't saying that they do. she has told me, and a few friends, and the reason i'm here is to anonymously discuss the situation without spreading the story.

but daily on her fb page, when she is posting pictures or talking about how much she has lost there are still many many many responses asking her how.

When she's ready to tell them...she will. Right now...just be happy for her. Being morbidly obese is hard. Right now, she's getting her life back. Let her! Enjoy it with her.

When she's ready...she'll let more people know. But seriously, it's nothing to get upset about. Take a deep breath...and realize..she's embracing life again. Obesity will cause one to go into isolation. They don't want to go anywhere...hang out with anyone...because it's embarrassing.

Another suggestion...why not just ask her why she won't tell them she had the surgery? You should be able to go to your friend and ask her..and you know what...you'll actually get the answer you're seeking..from the person..you're seeking it from :)

Just ask her.

Oh...as for me...I have no problems telling people. I have a big mouth...lol. I don't live my life for others. If they don't like it...sounds like a personal problem. LOL

Edited by tazzy

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Another suggestion...why not just ask her why she won't tell them she had the surgery? You should be able to go to your friend and ask her..and you know what...you'll actually get the answer you're seeking..from the person..you're seeking it from :)

Just ask her.

i think that is the best suggestion from everyone thus far!

Edited by annoyedfriend

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But you're not seeing my point either.

She does not, for whatever reason, feel safe in telling people. Trust me.. you saying, even if it was a misspoken word... 'easy way out'.. is EXACTLY how many, many people feel. Many consider surgery cheating somehow.. like the achievement means less because we took the "lazy" and or "easy way"- (not putting words.. just saying how many, many people look at it)..

So for whatever reason, she does not feel safe telling the other friends. She told you.. and yet you condemn her for not suffering with her obesity long enough to have deserved it. Perhaps she is afraid others will judge her the same or worse?

I'm not trying to bash you.. I'm trying to help you see why it might be that she doesn't want to share that information.. People are judgmental.. and her personal health and all that is related to that, is for her to decide who she is comfortable sharing...

I do think she needs to discuss the vomiting issue with a doctor though.. hopefully you can get her to consider that. But if she is feeling negatively judged for her choices, she may not listen.

(I guess my reply looks crazy- I didn't quote your message and now you've deleted it! lol.. oh well.... no biggie- not the first time I look goofy!) :)

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yea.. i am.. lol.. that is why i deleted that post.. i misread your post. sorry!!

Okay- good. If there comes a time when she feels safe to discuss this with her other friends, then hopefully she will.

Note- that she did share with you should say to you that she values you and feels safe sharing with you. Hopefully you can put your annoyance aside to think about that a bit..

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Oy vey! I tell everyone who will listen, about my surgery those many many moons ago. It's a Godsend. That's my decision, because I'm just too honest to even try and fabricate something or even omit the truth. A lie of ommission is still a lie. But that is ME and my life, and my choice. Everyone choses differently. Not wanting to be judged is a basic human characteristic. I also speak frequently about diet and exercise, but mostly it's because if I can find any way to help anyone become a healthier them, I will. It has very little to do with losing weight, and 100% about a healthier lifestyle.

I also understand any person having difficulty standing by someone who is being dishonest. People can hum and ha about it being a personal decision, and it is. It is also your decision to stand by her. You can't know how she is dealing with her surgery, stand by her, and then complain about your choice. It isn't fair of you. Nor can you insist that she deal with her issue as you THINK she should. Assume in your mind that she is never going to change her choice, decide if that's okay with you and move on. She herself will change often, but her decision may never.

I am not going to jump to a conclusion that you are jealous and that is why you are asking. I find that people often mistake anxiety, frustration, fear, confusion, and general animosity as jealousy. :P

Consider this, her metamorphasis is not complete. She will change physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally several more times... as does every single person on the planet. You may not want to walk away and miss a very real opportunity for personal growth, as well as growing together as friends.

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You know, maybe I can shed some light on it. BUT I don't think I'll be saying anything that hasn't already been said before.

I am usually an open book about everything. EXCEPT really major issues. Usually my mother & my husband are the two I go to with those type issues. SOME friends....But usually after the 'thing' is past, and I'm able to reflect back on it, or once I've become 'comfortable' with the issue. THEN I can discuss with 'other' friends. I am purposely NOT telling my husband's family. Because of the way they are. I don't want to be dogged behind my back about a decision I made as a last resort to finally get the weight under control so I could be around for my family. If an acquaintance approaches me and asks how I'm losing weight, I'm not telling them I had GBS. Like someone else said, if another morbidly obese person asked me, I'd most likely share GBS with them. Another reason I'm not going totally public with GBS, is that in the back of my mind, there is this fear I may fail. THEN what would people say??

Also, let me add this......having lost 160 lbs a few years back and feeling great, looking great (even along the way before I reached my goal) I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted to help everyone who had even 30 extra pounds to lose. I was passionate about it, because losing the weight turned my life around. What you see as bragging by your friend, may just be that excitement of losing the weight and looking great. Who knows, she may have had some post natal depression, and now that the weight is coming off, she is so stoked she comes across as bragging.

Best advice I've heard. Ask her. Then, you'll get the answers you desire. But, no matter how trivial you might think they are, her reasons for keeping it quiet, are HER reasons. And she is entitled to them. No matter how dumb or selfish you might think it is.

And let me say, too, most people probably keep asking her how she's doing it because deep down they know. I knew a girl whose sister had it done....I had like 3 or 4 people asked me if she had Gastric Bypass. I didn't tell them she did, because that's not my place. If she wanted to keep it secret, then that was her perrogative. Also, when I lost the 160 lbs, reaching goal weight, a friend of mine who knew I was having GBS last October told me one of our mutual friends thought I'd had GBS back then myself.

So people will suspect, even if she doesn't share.

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