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Struggling to find myself


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This may end up being a long post so apologies in advance but, where to start. I had a gastric bypass 3 years ago in coming feb and ive lost 8 st 4lb but i feel its come at a price, i have been struggling with the rapid changes im going through mentally for a while now and i feel like im losing myself and i cant process anything. Im 40 years old but the more confident im getting the more im changing mentally, all the thoughts and feelings i used to have about my life, what i want, who i am are all completely different and i dont know how to ground myself. I suffer with depression and these overwhelming emotions have me in tears most days and suicide is always a worry to those around me. The biggest thing affecting me is my husband, he is amazing and supportive and i love him more than anything but im so scared my feelings for him might also change, i’m his Ellie & he’s my Carl (up, our fave film) but recently men have started noticing me and it made me feel special and put a spring in my step which then made me feel a rush of guilt because i liked being flirted with, my husband also has depression so he doesnt really do anything and i feel like i’m leaving him behind as im growing more confident, he is getting help but i feel like i cant talk to him about my emotions and how hopelessly lost i have been feeling for the past few months, but im also worried because i feel like im losing my mind at times.

xxx 

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@Tinker-bell  What you are describing is not normal and could be very dangerous.  If you are not already doing so, you should contact a psychiatrist or other mental health professional as soon as possible for help.  It may be that additional (or a change in) medicine as well as therapy may help you deal with your depression and other emotional issues.  Keep in mind that people with a gastric bypass react differently to many medicines, especially ones that are timed release or XL.

We are here to support you.

(By the way, for people outside the UK, "8 st 4 lb" is equal to 116 pounds or 53 kilograms)

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I think many of us do find ourselves questioning many aspects of our lives after such drastic change to our appearance,  just not to the extent that you're voicing. Personally, I thought I was relatively okay for the first couple of years, but in actual fact I was struggling with the attitudes of others to the physical change in me (I hope that makes sense). There was a lot of behind the scenes jealousy from many women I knew, and definitely increased attention from men....in some respects both were posing difficulty for me, along with a pretty toxic family situation with certain sibling being fed by my parents. I got to a point where I really was struggling. I was in  a very dark place in my head where I'd been before (many, many years ago now), and somewhere I never wanted to be again. I reached a point where I was scared of myself, and alone. I think recognising that was a really important thing for me, and speaking to my GP (along with opening up about the past issues) was so difficult,  but so worthwhile. I ended up about a year ago getting some Cognitive behavioural therapy. The therapy helped me put the things that mattered to me into focus, and allowed me to stop dwelling on the other stresses people were bringing to my life. I do think you really need to talk to a professional about how you're feeling. I know that it's really tough to access mental health services at the best of times, and the ongoing lockdowns of 2020 have made access to these kinds of services even harder, but you really do need to seek them out. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't mean you're different to others, it just means you feel things on a deeper level. Best wishes to you moving forward. I hope you can get things sorted quickly, even though I know from experience it's not that simple. Take the first step by talking to your GP, and it will get easier from there.

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Ausie Bear thank you, it means a lot that there are people that support each other without judgement, i have an appointment on tuesday so hopefully i can get some help x

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On 12/19/2020 at 4:05 PM, Res Ipsa said:

@Tinker-bell  What you are describing is not normal and could be very dangerous.  If you are not already doing so, you should contact a psychiatrist or other mental health professional as soon as possible for help.  It may be that additional (or a change in) medicine as well as therapy may help you deal with your depression and other emotional issues.  Keep in mind that people with a gastric bypass react differently to many medicines, especially ones that are timed release or XL.

We are here to support you.

(By the way, for people outside the UK, "8 st 4 lb" is equal to 116 pounds or 53 kilograms)

Thank you Res Ispa x

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4 minutes ago, Tinker-bell said:

Ausie Bear thank you, it means a lot that there are people that support each other without judgement, i have an appointment on tuesday so hopefully i can get some help x

Great to hear. One thing I will add here though is drop the "hopefully".  Insist if you have to, on a referral to a registered CBT therapist. Be completely honest with your doctor, even if that means the ever embarrassing tears can't be held back. Your health and well being are worth way more than the embarrassing tears. Unfortunately those tears are often the trigger a doctor needs to take their patients seriously. I still remember the look on my GPs face as my eyes started to water and the first tears came rolling out. That was the point where I could tell he was relieved because he'd got me to that vulnerable place where he needed me to be to get to the really heavy stuff that had to be broached to move forward.

You've worked so hard to lose all that weight for your health, now you owe yourself the opportunity to get your head around the issues that weightloss has brought with it. Knowing you are doing that should help with any concerning issues resulting from those close to you as well, and if/when you are ready, you can always include your husband in future sessions. 

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Thanks for starting this topic.  I myself have been dealing with things that I just couldnt seem to get to when I was obese.  Seems like the weight always got in the way of everything and up until recently I had been keeping myself distracted with other things besides food to avoid all the baggage.  

I did go see the bariatric phycologist but since none of this is a food issue I have been sent elsewhere.  Come to find out at this age in life I have anxiety and possible PTSD from childhood.  I have been burying all this plus other issues through the years causing me to go from depression to anxiety always something it seems.  All I know is I want to get better.  I dont want to live the rest of my life with blinders on pretending its all okay when it isnt !

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2 hours ago, tracyringo said:

Thanks for starting this topic.  I myself have been dealing with things that I just couldnt seem to get to when I was obese.  Seems like the weight always got in the way of everything and up until recently I had been keeping myself distracted with other things besides food to avoid all the baggage.  

I did go see the bariatric phycologist but since none of this is a food issue I have been sent elsewhere.  Come to find out at this age in life I have anxiety and possible PTSD from childhood.  I have been burying all this plus other issues through the years causing me to go from depression to anxiety always something it seems.  All I know is I want to get better.  I dont want to live the rest of my life with blinders on pretending its all okay when it isnt !

I remember when I first broached the issue with my doctor, being given a very short test (the seldom, often, always type scale). I wasn't depressed anymore, which I was happy about, but my anxiety and stress scores were through the roof. We both knew it was only going to be a matter of time before depression followed. I'd just finished CBT, when Covid struck, so the physical and social isolation that brought with it, never really tested my CBT. My state opened up recently after a hard lockdown, so this week will bring the first major test for me. I've had small opportunities (very time controlled and one on one) to test my skills since then, but Christmas Day will be the biggest test for me yet. I'm much more confident now that I can handle it.

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Tracy i think your in a similar situation as me, the food and weight side of things im great, but the psychological aspect is crippling, i have been through a lot of personal trauma since the age of 17, rape, domestic violence, depression, anxiety and having a son (now 19) with lots of mental health issues etc and i have always had to get myself through it. Tried cbt a few times and its never helped and ive lost count how many times ive begged for counselling and been on waiting lists. Spoke to my gp on christmas eve and she has put in an urgent referral to a psychologist and doubled my medication. I had a very bad day yesterday and self harmed but i reached out to my husband and he is being fantastic as usual. Things will deffinetley get better and im clinging to that to get me through this dark time. 

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53 minutes ago, Tinker-bell said:

Tracy i think your in a similar situation as me, the food and weight side of things im great, but the psychological aspect is crippling, i have been through a lot of personal trauma since the age of 17, rape, domestic violence, depression, anxiety and having a son (now 19) with lots of mental health issues etc and i have always had to get myself through it. Tried cbt a few times and its never helped and ive lost count how many times ive begged for counselling and been on waiting lists. Spoke to my gp on christmas eve and she has put in an urgent referral to a psychologist and doubled my medication. I had a very bad day yesterday and self harmed but i reached out to my husband and he is being fantastic as usual. Things will deffinetley get better and im clinging to that to get me through this dark time. 

So sorry that you have gone through so many horrible things.  Hoping you can get in and get the help you need soon.  Things will get better hang in there.

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I experienced a similiar situation around the time i quit smoking and gave up chocolate to try to keep the weight off while i was quitting smoking.  It was about 2 weeks. Maybe and i got very depressed and anxious.  Ended up being treated for bipolar.  Had used cigarettes and chocolate to keep up my serotonin and dopami e since i was 16.  Body chemistry is no joke.  What you put in your mouth is important.

 

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