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I kept putting off coming back here, because of the shame I feel for my regain. But I have decided to leave my pride and ego behind, because they aren't helping me in my quest for peace. The biggest shame for me is that when I got my VSG, my complications were quite severe and almost cost me my life. I feel that I have wasted such a great opportunity that I gave so much up to have.

So after starting at 340lbs, I was able to drop to 230lbs. Now? I'm back up to 293  and climbing. 

I was undergoing extensive rehab to attempt to return to work after a work related back injury. Regardless of how much I pushed, I wasn't able to return to the nursing floor due to severe back pain. Regardless of my pleas for more appropriate accommodations (less lifting, stooping, bending) the insurance company denied my requests and informed me that pain is not a disability, rather it is all in your head. The team I was working with, PT, OT, Psych, Dietician - were only concerned with me getting back to work, regardless of the barriers I faced.

It finally got to the point of after almost a year of this, I became so depressed and anxious that I was ready to kill myself. Anything would be better than feeling the extreme amounts of pain that I was experiencing from pushing myself to try and live up to the expectations of my rehab team. My self worth also plummeted. It broke me.

I have been in turmoil since. The insurance cut me off of funding, stating that I was refusing work, after I sent them a letter explaining my physical, emotional , and mental health state - and also pointing out what my needs were to be able to return safely. They took this as refusal, and left me feeling lower than low, and broke on top of that. I had no income at all for 6 months before they decided that, by providing medical evidence from my doctor, the correct accomodation was not in place for me based on my physical limitations and pain assessments. Slowly the payments started to resume.

So this is, imo, what triggered my landslide. I wasn't able to deal with this failure, or rather the feeling it gave me for not living up to others expectations of what I should be able to do in their eyes. I feel worthless, unworthy of anyone's time or attention, and can't seem to get in control of life life right now. In another 35 lbs, I'm going to be back to my pre-surgery  weight.

So now that I feel like I am back to my rock bottom, I'm trying this again to help restore my sanity and begin the healing process. If I don't try now, then I never will, and I know I need freedom from this addiction to food.

Ty for your time, everyone. 

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Being able to realize what is going wrong, and sharing that knowledge with others, are important and necessary steps towards recovery and reversing your problems.  You should be proud of yourself for doing this.  Also remember that even though you have regained much of your excess weight, you still have your sleeve inside you which is a powerful weight loss tool.

While I am not a physician, it seems to me that your next steps are to have therapy to deal with your current emotional state and with using food as a way to deal with your problems.  An unhealthy relationship with food is the way that most of us became overweight, and having a healthy relationship with food is the only way to lose your extra weight and keep it off long term.  

You also need to get back to eating a healthy low calorie, low carb and high protein diet like the one that you were given for your post-op period.  You need to get unhealthy food out of your home, avoid all forms of alcohol, drink lot of no calorie liquids, and try to be as active as your body will allow you to be.  You know what to do, as you lost lots of weight right after you had your sleeve surgery.  Be patient as it will take many months to get back down to a healthy weight.  Remember, what matters is not where you have been, but where you are going.  

This food guide from one of the best hospitals in Boston should be helpful to you in planning a healthy diet for weight loss with your sleeve (in the US the post-op diet for the sleeve and the gastric bypass are the same):

https://www.tuftsmedicalcenter.org/~/media/Brochures/TuftsMC/Patient Care Services/Departments and Services/Weight and Wellness Center/GBP Diet Manual12611.ashx

We are here to support you.  You can do it.  

 

 

 

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Ladybugzzz86

Have you checked out doing the 5-Day Pouch Reset?  https://www.barilife.com/5-day-pouch-reset/

Many have found it helpful in getting back on track.

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Ladybugzzz,

I am sorry you have had so much pain and obstacles in your journey.  I know that you know how to get back to the basics, and I really think you need to do this FOR YOU!  I couldn't help but notice your Quote/signature at the end of your post:  

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts."   Winston Churchill

I admire your Courage, and I hope and pray you will get the boost you need here to "get back on the wagon". <3

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@Res IpsaIpsa @cinwa @TammyP@Anita1962

Thank-you thank-you thank-you! 

It was very hard for me to come here and admit what I did. Thank you for all the encouragement and access to such invaluable resources. 

And your right, it is going to take time to recover what weight loss I already had in the past. But I can't keep to caught up in that. I need to focus on my current triggers now, how to best address them without food, and set up my home life for success. 

@tammyp nice catch with that quote. I forgot about that - I have been really broken over the past year.. it was a nice reminder that I can have a positive outlook, and that falling is not failure.... But the courage to continue on is what counts most. :wub:

Edited by Ladybugzzz86
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I've been sitting back trying to work out what to say to you @Ladybugzzz86. I completely understand how your frustration with both your insurer, your work, and even your own body can leave you feeling completely defeated. However, just the fact that you have come back here and opened up, shows me that you aren't completely done yet. I'm not about to give you any diet advice, because I'm pretty sure you already know as much I do anyway. Haha! What I would say though came to me from the mouth of a CEO of a major company. At the time he was talking about raising our kids, but I find in life it holds equally as well for the adult me, particularly when times get tough. It goes something along the lines of when you have battles ahead, break them up into categories,  the ones you can outright win at the present time without anyone else, the ones you might be able to win on your own, and the ones that you're going to lose. Then you start on the first category, those battles you can win already with your current skills and resources. Get these out of the way first. Take the victory no mater how small it seems, acknowledge it, and let these victories build your confidence to tackle the next category. By then, they might start to feel easier to at a minimum get a result you can live with even if there's a compromise.  Once these are dealt with you're only left with the ones you feel will defeat you. These are the ones where you seek out allies that can help you shift them from the too hard basket to the achievable, or decide they aren't battles worthy of the effort. We all need to work out what battles we have to fight and determine how and when to go into battle. Hope you can take something from that. It's certainly helped me navigate the last 20 or so years. You can do this again. You still have your sleeve and you know what you need to do. If you need help, be that from a doctor, a therapist, a dietician etc...seek it out. I realise the Canadian health system is as difficult to navigate through as it is here in Australia... but at least we have a government funded system. I admit I do find a way to go private when I have to even if means the belt has to be pulled so tight it's strangling me. I'm going private next week, and boy am I concerned about it, but I'm making it my last effort to try to get answers.

Reading stories like yours and the one  @Nana Trish  has just shared, really highlight how WLS ain't all champagne and party poppers. It's a lifetime commitment to a different way of life than we were used to. It's still not easy for me. If I don't stay focussed and organised I can easily fall down and before I know it that figure on the scale is climbing and it's back to the hard slog of eve more restrictive eating. Fortunately for me I do still make myself face the scale every week. I don't like that hard restriction stage so I try to avoid it. Im far enough post-op now to know what I need to stay pretty weight stable. For me that's meal prepping. If I know I have a healthy enjoyable meal ready then I usually won't stray off the path. If I don't, or if I get caught out (I try not to as much as possible) then all hell breaks loose. I've definitely had people tell me it's "disordered eating" to be like that, but I love to turn that around by saying it's actually the opposite as it very "ordered eating". Haha!!! The reality is it is probably a bit of both. Interesting timing for me was a call I had just yesterday from a research team at the hospital where I had my surgery.  They want me to participate in a new research study they are conducting looking at "Quality of life issues after WLS". It's not that I'm special or anything, as they want all their WLS patients over 3 years post-op to participate.  I guarantee I won't be suggesting it's all rainbows and unicorns. Thankfully the results won't be identifiable because I notice my surgeon is part of the research team.

 

Edited by Aussie Bear
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Hi I don’t know what else to say except “I hear you.” My weight is creeping up again too, but for no other reason than I’m not eating right. Like you, I know how I should eat, I just can’t make myself do it. I’m up almost 20 lbs, and all I hear is I told you so ...in my head. Makes me feel like a big poop head.

i know my depression is what keeps me from doing the right thing. Wish I could find the right medication to fix that.

@Ladybugzzz86 <hugs>

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On 9/9/2020 at 10:09 PM, Ladybugzzz86 said:

I kept putting off coming back here, because of the shame I feel for my regain. But I have decided to leave my pride and ego behind, because they aren't helping me in my quest for peace. The biggest shame for me is that when I got my VSG, my complications were quite severe and almost cost me my life. I feel that I have wasted such a great opportunity that I gave so much up to have.

So after starting at 340lbs, I was able to drop to 230lbs. Now? I'm back up to 293  and climbing. 

I was undergoing extensive rehab to attempt to return to work after a work related back injury. Regardless of how much I pushed, I wasn't able to return to the nursing floor due to severe back pain. Regardless of my pleas for more appropriate accommodations (less lifting, stooping, bending) the insurance company denied my requests and informed me that pain is not a disability, rather it is all in your head. The team I was working with, PT, OT, Psych, Dietician - were only concerned with me getting back to work, regardless of the barriers I faced.

It finally got to the point of after almost a year of this, I became so depressed and anxious that I was ready to kill myself. Anything would be better than feeling the extreme amounts of pain that I was experiencing from pushing myself to try and live up to the expectations of my rehab team. My self worth also plummeted. It broke me.

I have been in turmoil since. The insurance cut me off of funding, stating that I was refusing work, after I sent them a letter explaining my physical, emotional , and mental health state - and also pointing out what my needs were to be able to return safely. They took this as refusal, and left me feeling lower than low, and broke on top of that. I had no income at all for 6 months before they decided that, by providing medical evidence from my doctor, the correct accomodation was not in place for me based on my physical limitations and pain assessments. Slowly the payments started to resume.

So this is, imo, what triggered my landslide. I wasn't able to deal with this failure, or rather the feeling it gave me for not living up to others expectations of what I should be able to do in their eyes. I feel worthless, unworthy of anyone's time or attention, and can't seem to get in control of life life right now. In another 35 lbs, I'm going to be back to my pre-surgery  weight.

So now that I feel like I am back to my rock bottom, I'm trying this again to help restore my sanity and begin the healing process. If I don't try now, then I never will, and I know I need freedom from this addiction to food.

Ty for your time, everyone. 

Oh, my dear @Ladybugzzz86 :( I’m so so sorry you have been going through this. And going through it alone, without the group. You and I are the same, in that we both hid our “shame” from the group. What we should have been doing all along is coming here for support. They have always been here for us, and each other, and always will. I’m glad you came back like I did to talk it out, and get some good old fashioned TT love and support ❤️

After reading your story, it’s no wonder you’ve been so depressed and down on yourself. There is nothing worse than screaming at the top of your lungs, “I need help!” And have it fall on deaf ears with doctors and insurance companies. I believe, by law, your workplace has to provide you with the necessary accommodations to perform your job after a work related injury. I went through something similar after falling off a ladder at work back in 2007. I already had existing back problems prior to the fall, and despite a doctors note putting me on light duty, my managers forced the issue. I ended up exacerbating the injury and ended up on light duty for 2 months longer than I would have, had I only listened to the doctor. But if your doctors and PTherapists aren’t hearing you, nothing will change. And I’ll tell you right now, insurance companies are notorious for telling you that back pain is all in your head...ugh!! 

First of all, I thank God that you didn’t do something drastic because of suicidal thoughts. I’m very well acquainted with those thoughts and feelings, as I’ve been there many times in my life. But you are a fighter, and you’re still here with us, seeking support. This is the first best step you can take! Living in severe pain every day is one of the hardest things in life to face. I’ve also been there for much of my life. On top of it all, you should not have to force the ones “treating” you to believe, and understand, that you are still in severe pain after so long!  The medical care system is so broken. In so many ways.  It hurts my heart to think of you going through all of this for so long. And I truly understand your feelings about the regain. You are trying to feel better, but at the same time...fighting against everyone for the help you need and living in pain. I don’t know too many people that could come through all of that without regain. Please, PLEASE, understand that you are NOT worthless, and you are very worthy of everyone’s time and attention! I wish you could know how much I truly understand what you’re feeling.  

@Aussie Bearhas a lot of good advice, as always ❤️ Categorizing your battles is a great way to start dealing with things. One thing at a time. And she’s right...you do still have your sleeve, so that’s a big plus in the good column right there. Talking to your dietician to get help starting down the weight loss road again should be very helpful to you as well. I still have to get in touch with mine, as I’m fighting a regain too. I know it will be harder this time around, but we can both do this. I think we are both stronger than we realize. People keep telling me that I am, and it’s hard to see that in myself right now, but it has to be in there!! We both came back here, looking for support, and we are getting that!! Another really helpful thing might be to get in touch with an eating disorder/addiction therapist to help you through (at least) the roughest part of this...the beginning. 

Sending so many hugzzzzzz and love to you, my friend ❤️ I’m always here if you need to talk! :wub:

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On 9/10/2020 at 10:56 AM, Res Ipsa said:

Remember, what matters is not where you have been, but where you are going.

@Ladybugzzz86...what Res said ❤️

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