Kim M

Where it all began

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I am talking about my regain.  i remember the lie I told myself the first time.  I could have a blueberry muffin.  Just one.  However, if it was okay why did I feel I couldn't eat it in front of anyone.  And so the lies began.  Be it lies of omission to others, and lies to myself that I could stop the next day.  Each day I told myself the same lie.  I stopped getting on the scale...I knew my pants were getting tight.  

Then there was the ability to eat more at meals which I did.  The grazing on carbs in-between my healthy looking meals.  Sometimes I was too sick to eat my healthy meals.  I would complain I was gaining weight too ashamed to admit the reason why.   I never ate in front of people.  The denial was so great that it didn't matter if I ate in front of people, because I was gaining weight. 

I suppose I could have come here and confessed my insanity, but I felt powerless to stop.  I didn't want anyone to know what a failure I had become.  I could have done a lot of things but I choose to continue on a self destructive path.  

The reason I am writing this today is because I walked into that store today and looked at the muffins.  I wanted one.  I even tried to justify that it would be okay to have one.  I thought of the difficult week I have had and that I deserved some comfort.  I know sitting here writing this knowing that eating muffins  is not self care.  Yes it has been a tough week.  I had a car accident,  I was coming from a wake and I was in physical pain from the accident.    All true but all excuses.  

I am writing this for me but also for all those caught in the cycle of compulsive eating.  I do understand your pain and suffering.  I don't want you to regain and feel the shame and guilt that I felt. I don't want you to feel the self loathing of feeling powerless.  

I want to end by saying there is hope.  I am in a better place.  Today I didn't believe the lie.  Today I knew I had choices.  Today I choose to pass by the blueberry muffin and get what I needed for my dinner and come home.  I choose to come here.  I read some posts and replied to give support to others.  I then thought I should write this.  Maybe it is cathartic for me which is okay.  I need help sometimes.  I also hope that anyone who is struggling might read this and know that you have a choice.  It is not always easy to do what is  in our best interest.  What i have learned again and again is feelings are just that.  I don't have to act on them and make things worse.  

Sending love to all those in need,,,including myself.

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Great post!  Life is all about choices; good and bad.  Donuts used to be my downfall.  Our deli is close to the bakery department.  If I am in need of an afternoon pick me up; I hit the deli for a quarter pound of ham off the bone.  I know I can have my treat when I get to the car.  It’s not 600 empty calories.  I don’t normally keep it in the house so it is honestly a “treat”.  Apples are my other go to.  They are dense and fill me up.  I’ve also been hit by the smell of fresh bakery when I walk in the grocery door first thing in the morning.  I’ve remembered grabbing a small container of fresh raspberries, again it was something different.  

Find something that works for you.  

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Excellent post Kim. I've been having a really hard think about my life lately.  I just passed my 33 year anniversary of my original WLS....I think so anyway because I know it was February 1986. So I've been trying to think about what makes things different this time. I've hit a much lower weight, I've maintained reasonably successfully this time with just a few minor ups and downs. I've definitely not been "perfect", nor will I ever be, and I don't actually want to be. Deprivation isn't something I'm prepared to accept. Even reactive hypoglycemia didn't / doesn't keep me on track. I know that the type of surgery I had before was later deemed not a successful type, but that's still just an excuse really. I have been making really good choices the past few months and I'm back down to my lowest weight.. Sure I weigh daily, but at times have allowed the excuse of new medications to explain any gains. But I've finally (it's taken 20+ months) realised that food is just fuel. It's taken me 60 years to get that!!!! I do have some unhealthy options at home but I don't eat them. If I don't have them here and get cravings I'll go to the store to buy it, and if I've gone to that effort then I'll eat it. If it's here already I find it easier to say I don't really want it. I know that's the opposite of how some others feel. I often tried these unhealthy choices during my honeymoon and they just didn't give me the pleasure I remembered. Then I started having a few bites of things I shouldn't. If they didn't give me pleasure, or made me feel guilt, I'd bin them. Lately I've found that when temptation hits while I'm shopping I can think back to the time I threw it in the bin, and that's enough to tell me to put it back. This time around I also check nutritional panels to see just what fuel I'm going to get from something before I buy it. More often than not that's enough for me to not buy it. I've also finally got to the point where I ask myself before I eat if I'm really hungry.  Truth be known I probably haven't been hungry since my surgery. I do feel a need to eat though because I do feel my energy lag and often my blood sugars dropping, so it eat meals by the clock rather than anything else. I've also realised that I don't have a "full switch" so I will always portion my meals totally disregarding that I could easily eat more than I do. Eating from a share plate just won't work for me. Even eating out I need to remove food from my plate before I sit down to eat. I don't know why I don't feel restriction, but I am going to ask my surgeon next visit because I suspect it has to do with the way he structured my revision. He did tell me prior to surgery that he was planning a large pouch to intestine opening because my pouch would by necessity need to be much smaller than he normally makes them. All I know for sure is that second time around I'm making better choices and I'm very much in control of what and how much I choose to consume. 

It sounds like you've got yourself back on track as well. As revisional patients we have something others don't. We know how easily things can slip and get away from us, and we know how difficult it is once things get away from us to retake control. Clearly you're drawing on that experience now, and that's great. Keep up the hard work. You know it pays great dividends.

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This is a great post Kim.  Glad you are doing better now.  How far out were you when you started to regain and did you make it to goal before you started regain?

How is the GERD now since you had your revision?

 

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Thank you for sharing your honest words here. I'm sure there are some people reading them who needed to hear exactly that right now. Very powerful. Keep making good choices :) and remember to come here and vent/brag/commiserate/laugh/cry/complain when you need to. We all struggle.

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@Kim M, I'm so sorry I missed your original post! I am here to support you! Thank you SO much for sharing your story. Your honesty is a sign of true strength. I have all the confidence that you will power through this time and get back on track. Your words definitely rang true for me, as I have yo-yoed my whole life and definitely related to the hiding when I didn't want to face that I was going back up. 

But this time will be different for you. You have a tool to help you, and you are a strong person. A strong a very giving person to share your story for others. I plan to tag your post and read it from time to time as I find it very powerful. Thank you, and keep us posted how your journey is going. We are here for you. Congratulations on your good choices! :wub: Keep it up! :wub:

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On 3/16/2019 at 2:02 PM, tracyringo said:

This is a great post Kim.  Glad you are doing better now.  How far out were you when you started to regain and did you make it to goal before you started regain?

How is the GERD now since you had your revision?

 

Hi Tracy,

I never set a goal weight.   My thoughts were when my body has reached its natural weight I will stop losing.  This happened at 15 months post op.  I had lost half my body weight and was comfortable where my body was.  I had gone from 266 to 130-132.  I maintained for about 4 years.  I started to yo-yo again and the food obsession returned.  It was horrible.  Even if I wasn't eating I was obsessing. It takes so much energy.  

I am much kinder to myself now when I start to obsess about food.  It's almost laughable as I can hardly eat very much at all.  However, the thoughts are sometimes there.   I now can ask myself, with interest, what I am afraid of.  If the harsh voices emerge , I pay attention and change my inner dialogue.  This is a process.  The older I get the more I seem to accept  myself.   Life may have been difficult for a long time, but I don't need to continue to self abuse with food.  

I am doing better since the revision with GERD.  I am now taking only 1-2 PPI a day.  I still stay away from spicy foods and anything with a tomato base.  I hope to be able to go off all medications some day.  

Hope you are going well.  

Edited by Kim M

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4 hours ago, Kim M said:

Hi Tracy,

I never set a goal weight.   My thoughts were when my body has reached its natural weight I will stop losing.  This happened at 15 months post op.  I had lost half my body weight and was comfortable where my body was.  I had gone from 266 to 130-132.  I maintained for about 4 years.  I started to yo-yo again and the food obsession returned.  It was horrible.  Even if I wasn't eating I was obsessing. It takes so much energy.  

I am much kinder to myself now when I start to obsess about food.  It's almost laughable as I can hardly eat very much at all.  However, the thoughts are sometimes there.   I now can ask myself, with interest, what I am afraid of.  If the harsh voices emerge , I pay attention and change my inner dialogue.  This is a process.  The older I get the more I seem to accept  myself.   Life may have been difficult for a long time, but I don't need to continue to self abuse with food.  

I am doing better since the revision with GERD.  I am now taking only 1-2 PPI a day.  I still stay away from spicy foods and anything with a tomato base.  I hope to be able to go off all medications some day.  

Hope you are going well.  

Did your restriction change much from 2 years to 4 or 5 years out?

 

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My restriction did change .  I was able to increase the amount of food I could eat.  I would eat my protein first, as I still do, I could just eat more.  The thing about that is just because I could doesn't mean I should.  How many times have we heard that.  During my period of regain I also started to eat more carbs which go down more easily, hence you can eat more of them.  

I do want to add this might be an individual thing.  My daughter had surgery 1 year after me and still has very tight restriction,    A few bites of protein and she is full.  We both had 34F, but with different surgeons.  It could be she has a tighter sleeve.  I don't know. My regain was not about restriction it was about my food choices.  I also was grazing.  All emotional eating.  

It looks like you are doing well.  I don't think you can only depend on your sleeve.  That will work for the honeymoon period and for some 2years  When I went for my 2 year check up, I asked my surgeon about restriction.  He told me at that point it was 85% me 15% surgery. 

You have done great.   Get support and discuss any concerns with your surgeon. 

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11 hours ago, Kim M said:

My restriction did change .  I was able to increase the amount of food I could eat.  I would eat my protein first, as I still do, I could just eat more.  The thing about that is just because I could doesn't mean I should.  How many times have we heard that.  During my period of regain I also started to eat more carbs which go down more easily, hence you can eat more of them.  

I do want to add this might be an individual thing.  My daughter had surgery 1 year after me and still has very tight restriction,    A few bites of protein and she is full.  We both had 34F, but with different surgeons.  It could be she has a tighter sleeve.  I don't know. My regain was not about restriction it was about my food choices.  I also was grazing.  All emotional eating.  

It looks like you are doing well.  I don't think you can only depend on your sleeve.  That will work for the honeymoon period and for some 2years  When I went for my 2 year check up, I asked my surgeon about restriction.  He told me at that point it was 85% me 15% surgery. 

You have done great.   Get support and discuss any concerns with your surgeon. 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  Its a good warning for all of us on how regain may happen.  I can definitely see myself in what you are saying about food choices sometimes.  I have good days and bad days as far as wanting to graze or not caring about food at all.  

I also had the 34F.   Has your daughter had any regain and how far out is she?

 

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On 3/25/2019 at 9:32 AM, tracyringo said:

Thank you for sharing your experience.  Its a good warning for all of us on how regain may happen.  I can definitely see myself in what you are saying about food choices sometimes.  I have good days and bad days as far as wanting to graze or not caring about food at all.  

I also had the 34F.   Has your daughter had any regain and how far out is she?

 

My daughter is 6 years out in May.  Her restriction is good.  She did have some regain and is working on getting back to a more comfortable weight.  She is doing well.  She has PCOS, but her diabetes has not returned and she is quite healthy. 

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Just now, Kim M said:

My daughter is 6 years out in May.  Her restriction is good.  She did have some regain and is working on getting back to a more comfortable weight.  She is doing well.  She has PCOS, but her diabetes has not returned and she is quite healthy. 

Great news. Thank you for sharing. 

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Thank you for posting this, Kim ❤️

(((Hugs))) to you, and prayers that you get through these struggles and keep loving yourself. You’re worth it!!

xoxo

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I'm right where you are "right now". I went through the exact same thing...and now on track again...but it is SO much harder now. Thank you, I'm not alone. PLEASE people...do everything to gain may weight back.....it much harder then before if you do, and have to lose again!

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19 hours ago, CherokeeGirl said:

I'm right where you are "right now". I went through the exact same thing...and now on track again...but it is SO much harder now. Thank you, I'm not alone. PLEASE people...do everything to gain may weight back.....it much harder then before if you do, and have to lose again!

Thank you for this! I'm 14 months postop and noticing I can eat more. And I've been exercising so much that I've been able to sneak in a couple unhealthy habits and slider foods without gaining. But this topic makes me pause and think I need to nip these bad habits in the bud!! Thanks for putting this into focus! 

And @Aussie Bear, thanks for the video! I need to watch that every day for awhile! 

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