well damn

[tracyringo]

Ya know I thought this wasn't going to be an issue, starting to believe I was sadly mistaken.   Although how I feel hasn't changed, things have changed...  I no longer eat heaping plates of food or smoke cigerettes or  consume nicotine in any form, but I watch him do it.  Its hard not to fall back into bad habits when you live with it day in and day out.  I think I just need to vent.

I thought losing weight would be better for our relationship, but it has had the opposite effect it seems.  I thought he would jump on the band wagon at the beginning of my journey or at least when he seen me closing in on his weight but he didn't and now instead of me outweighing him by 50# I am  100# under, but isn't that the way it is suppose to be?  Maybe he resents my weight loss?  In any case maybe its about time to move on.  Lots to think about and the big 50 is 9 days awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

[cinwa]

I'm so sorry you're going through problems at home Tracy.  Do you think that he'd be receptive to couples counselling?

[msmarymac]

You deserve to be happy and healthy.  However, that doesn't mean you have to give up on a relationship that is of value to you.  Talking this through with him will help you both figure out whether the relationship can be salvaged and having a professional to help you sort it all out can make all the difference.  Best to you as you work through this.

[tracyringo]

5 hours ago, cinwa said:

I'm so sorry you're going through problems at home Tracy.  Do you think that he'd be receptive to couples counselling?

That could be a possibility,  we are going on 10 years now.  That is a long time to throw it all away.   We have known each other 12 years and he knew me before I gained over 100#, I suppose that is why I am stumped.

 

[athenarose]

Couples counseling might be a good idea. Your normal has changed while his hasn't. Gently, your expectations might not be completely fair. Think about it in terms of another drastic life change. Say that, he suddenly decided to start going to church and became really religious. Of course he'd hope that you'd be inspired by his example and join him, but realistically, you might not be interested in changing and doing things differently. And both are valid viewpoints. Your relationship was founded on one set of circumstances as the norm and now you're doing things differently. Neither of you is in the wrong, but there's a disconnect there now that wasn't there before. Counseling might help bridge the gap. I wish you the very best and hope you can find a way to resolve this.

Edited January 23 by athenarose

[athenarose]

3 hours ago, tracyringo said:

That could be a possibility,  we are going on 10 years now.  That is a long time to throw it all away.   We have known each other 12 years and he knew me before I gained over 100#, I suppose that is why I am stumped.

 

How was your lifestyle when you met? Was it more similar to how it is now or did you smoke & eat like he's accustomed to? If you were healthier in the beginning and you look at it from an objective POV, over those ten years, did you both change together? There's a difference (in my mind at least) between growing apart over time and growing together, then one partner making a drastic change, even if that change is reminiscent of where you both began. Not pointing fingers at all or making excuses for perpetuating unhealthy habits. Just offering some possible food for thought. 

[Cindy Lou Who]

I have read that WLS surgeries can have a stressful effect on our close relationships. Even in the best circumstances, it is a huge shock and change to the dynamics. Some of his attitude change with you may be a reaction to his own feelings about his size. He may feel differently about his body since yours has improved so much, but not ready in his life journey to change anything. And he may not even be aware of these feelings!

I guess I fall back on the saying that, "Any change, even a good change, is stressful." So it would make sense that along with the good feelings, there will be some negative feelings when our partner does a major life shift. 

I agree with couple counseling and talking about this. By bringing out his inner feelings about this (that he may not even be aware of), that might help him adapt to the new lifestyle, and your understanding of where he is. 

Sending lots of hugs and good wishes. You deserve to be happy and loved! 

[Jen581791]

Just some support from me: sending a hug and hoping you can be happy. Change is stressful. 

[tracyringo]

Thanks all for the advice.  Counseling sounds like a good idea.

 

[Res Ipsa]

On 1/23/2019 at 4:10 AM, tracyringo said:

Ya know I thought this wasn't going to be an issue, starting to believe I was sadly mistaken.   Although how I feel hasn't changed, things have changed...  I no longer eat heaping plates of food or smoke cigerettes or  consume nicotine in any form, but I watch him do it.  Its hard not to fall back into bad habits when you live with it day in and day out.  I think I just need to vent.

I thought losing weight would be better for our relationship, but it has had the opposite effect it seems.  I thought he would jump on the band wagon at the beginning of my journey or at least when he seen me closing in on his weight but he didn't and now instead of me outweighing him by 50# I am  100# under, but isn't that the way it is suppose to be?  Maybe he resents my weight loss?  In any case maybe its about time to move on.  Lots to think about and the big 50 is 9 days awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

As I am a guy in my 50s, I may be able to provide some insight here.  

Guys generally are very unwilling to change, and this can make us look (from a woman's point of view) to be totally clueless and insensitive at times.  Guys really like the status quo (our motto is "if it ain't broken, don't fix it"); we like to avoid talking about feelings; and we like to ignore obvious hints or suggestions that we change (because any acknowledgment of a need to change means a loss of the status quo).  I am 99% sure that he sees all of your positive weight and lifestyle changes, and (in his own way and without admitting it to you) is very proud (or even jealous, although he will never admit this) of you for these changes.  

So if you want him to change and be more sensitive to your feelings, you best approach probably is to be very direct (in a nice way) with him about what you want, but do not expect (or ask for) drastic/immediate changes.  Ask for gradual changes (e.g., please do not smoke in the house, please not bring ice cream or cookies into the house, etc.) so that the status quo changes slowly.  Try to explain to him how much better you feel now that you have given up being overweight and given up smoking; try to explain to him that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and that's why he needs to live a more healthy lifestyle.   Ask him to go for walks with you if you want him to be more active.  Try to avoid appeared to be bossy or to give ultimatums - guys hate these things even when we know that the wife/girlfriend is 100% right.  And, be sure to tell him (if it is true) that you love him.  

We are here to support you.

[tracyringo]

@Res Ipsa Thank you for giving me the male insight of this.  I can totally see where you are coming from.