Ladybugzzz86

Creating healthy boundaries

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I am feeling stronger now emotionally then I have in Years. Unfortunately, that has made me realize some of my triggers from the past are things that I can no longer handle mentally. I love my father very much, but he is very self centered. He gave up alcohol, and has now become a binge eater. To the point where he cracks jokes over it, offering to get me pizza, bars, steaks, ect. Almost to rub it in that he can and I can't? 

My heart weeps tonight because I did address this issue, but all he could do is talk over me, dismiss me, and tell me my lips never stop flapping. Then followed up with well you are just too sensitive. 

I was tempted to cut tonight (self harm), a reality from my past which I haven't felt the desire to do in years. My addiction to food was used similarly : a coping mechanism that would help distract emotional pain and turn it into physical pain. After discussing my concerns tonight I went for a drive to cool off, I don't like being hollered at when I am not doing that to another. I returned back to the house and its like nothing happened. My mother is carrying on with her day, and father is still binge eating zoned out into the TV. The way we were raised is that you burry everything deep down, don't talk about it. Never worked for me obviously. There are only two options when you do that: implode or explode. I have to admit to doing both over my lifetime. 

I guess I just feel like I'm hitting a wall, trying to set healthy boundaries that are just being ignored. And I am stuck here until my return to work progresses, or crashes. Either way it is going to be a few months. 

I have lost 102#, and am very proud of it. I do not want to give in to my urges to hurt myself with food or anything else as a way of coping, or as a cry for help. It doesn't work. I am just not sure where to go from here, how can I take back that control that I feel he steals from me with his words and life choices? On the plus side, I am glad I am finally able to recognize it and address it now much better than I have in the past. Things are improving in terms of healthier coping mechanisms. Any suggestions would be nice, or if you dealt with similar, I would love to hear your story.

Thanks folks for listening :rolleyes:

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I've definitely been having some major issues with my family the past twelve months as well. Your " implode or explode" very much describes my situation. Lately I've found myself exploding and then burning bridges. As far as my family are concerned they are doing nothing wrong and behaving the way they always have.  I just hear that as once a bully always a bully, and not to expect either change or apology. That makes the next week almost excruciating to think about. I'll get though, as will you. What a shame you're not yet in a position to move out and leave the toxic nonsense behind you. The time will come though, so hang in there and just walk away whenever it gets too much.

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Thank you so much for sharing your experience withe @Aussie Bear. You are right, we can get through this. Trying to be kind to myself this time around by reaching out instead of holding it in

 Feels a little bit better already. One day at a time :)

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@Ladybugzzz86 - I'm so happy to hear from you, and I just want to extend my virtual support. I don't really have any words of wisdom. Taking care of yourself is your #1 priority, so make sure that your choices reflect that. You can't change other people - you can only change how you react to them. Put yourself first! :wub:

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Thanks @Jen581791 - you are so right. Still a learning curve for me, but I think I am getting a bit better at it everyday. :wub:

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When there is drama at this house, I have an escape route.  We have 5 adult ? Children.  There is always someone at odds with another.  2 years ago at baking weekend 2 of the girls started arguing.  I couldn’t get to my car so I took hubby’s old beater truck, backed into a tree, and headed to town.  I went to a man store (fleet farm) not sure why bgecause my normal would have been Wally World. I felt a tap on my shoulder and hubby was there.  He told me I told them to be gone when I got home.  Lol! 

Right now we have daughter, her hubby and 4 month old living with us.  They are working on closing on a house, suffice it to say it’s been stressful.  Half the time she isn’t talking to her hubby or us.  I just rattle on.  If things get to stressful, I go to a store and walk around in a daze.  Or shrug my shoulders and carry on-I’m getting better at that..:). Right now food isn’t calling, I’m good.  

Find what works.. go have a coffee, go for a walk someplace, forget food it isn’t callling..

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Thanks for your post @Cheesehead, sounds like a fantastic idea. And I hope things start to get a little less stressful for your household situation :)

 

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A heated argument broke out between daughter #1 and daughter #4 Christmas Day.  I grabbed my shoes and coat, went out to the car, drove it across the frozen field to get away.  I went and sat in a park and go for 45 minutes and watched the world go by.  No food, no phone.  Got back home and finished making dinner.  I decided I’m done with drama and next year hubby and I will go away.  I’m stronger now and willing to say No.  I usually host New Year’s Eve.  This year just daughter and her hubby and maybe one other daughter.  I’m not having a houseful with the stress of cooking and hoping everyone gets along.  I’m a work in progress.  I’m learning the word No.  

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3 hours ago, Cheesehead said:

 I’m learning the word No.  

So am I, and I can tell you with zero uncertainty that neither my siblings or my parents are liking the new word in my vocabulary!!!!! I just have to use that word once and I get weeks of silent treatment.....they think it's punishing me, but the reality is I see their silence as a reward!!!!!

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@Cheesehead @Aussie Bear, you are both an inspiration. These situations have in the past caused us to self soothe with food. But now they are opportunities to grow stronger, set healthy boundaries, and (hopefully :P ) find happiness. Or at least some peace within ourselves. And I am very sorry to hear about the explosion around the holidays Cheesehead, but kudos to you on how you handled it! 

 

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