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Yesterday, K had a neuropsych appointment. This was a much more in depth analysis and we have to go back for a discussion of her current place on the spectrum. Autism was confirmed and for the first time, M and I saw K from a doctor’s point of view. I can’t lie. I was incredibly sad to watch K happily struggle with communication. I don’t want my baby to struggle. I want her to live a carefree lifestyle life.

Obviously, this is about me and how I perceive K. I couldn’t love her any more than I do now. She’s a smart and imaginative little girl who speaks three languages. That’s a lot for a kid her age. I don’t believe that autism is something to be fixed or changed. All M and I can do is give K the tools she needs to operate in this world. She’s happy being herself and I need to remind myself of that fact.

I managed to get through life seriously mentally ill and unmediated. I was t diagnosed with bipolar disorder until my late 30’s. I have done well in life despite my challenges. If I can get through life without any intervention, K can navigate life with ease. I know that bipolar disorder is nothing like autism and that makes me breathe a big sigh of relief.

Potty training is off the table for the time being because the neuropsych thinks it’s causing her great stress. Bun has been throwing major tantrums and aggressive behavior. She thrives off of routine and we’ve seriously disrupted her comfort zone. Soon life will return to normal and I’ll get my head out of my beehind  

I’m trying not to eat my feelings. I thought I was making good choices but I clearly have not  I’ve gained a few pounds and that’s unacceptable. How does one cope when food has been the source of comfort? 

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Heyyyy...I'm sorry. I know how it is to more or less suddenly see things through someone else's eyes. 

You've got the right attitude, I think, and K is lucky to have you. Don't beat yourself up about the eating. I'm sure it's a stress blip. S*** happens and we're not perfect. {{{hug}}}

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@NerdyToothpick  <<<Empathy and Support>>>

More walking after K is off to bed? Exercise helps smooth the emotions and down days. Coffee next week? 

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*hug*

I'm with BB - if you can find the time for yourself, walking somewhere outside and just getting outside of yourself might help.  I'd be happy to supply a lovely park and a walking companion if you're interested and free!

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Take it easy on yourself, mama! You’re doing a great job getting K the care she needs and re-jigging your own point of view to be wider and more inclusive. 

If your few pounds are bothering you, maybe crack the whip for a few days to make yourself feel like you are in charge of your intake. A walk is always therapeutic, as is a spot of yoga. Shakes, protein first, lots of water, and some movement that feels good to your body. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs :wub:

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Thanks everyone for your love, empathy and support. 

Katya is what is called a “seeker”. She is continually seeking sensory input which means she is on (and I do mean ON) all day long. She wakes up early and ready to go. Falls asleep late and refuses to go to sleep. She thankfully is great about entertaining herself while in her room. What this translates to is exhausting days for mom. K has therapy dive days a week from 8-11 and again from 3-6.30. I’m heavily involved, so my energy limits are low. Taking a walk means not seeing my husband for an hour and we both need to water our relationship to be healthy and happy. 

My days are also filled with endless paperwork. Trying to get services after she turns three, dealing with insurance paperwork, contacting every specialized agency under the sun to continue services, fighting with the public school system, physical therapy and occupational therapy.  I have the luxury to be a SAHM and I would’t change that for the world. I’m also putting my lobbying and social work skills to work. These agencies aren’t used to a hands on parent advocate. 

I am a strong woman and my sadness will pass. I have a good support network and a wonderful partner. Hopefully things will ease up once she turns three. Fingers crossed. 

Thanks again for letting me vent. I appreciate all the love and support. 

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