kat___138

REGAIN! I feel out of control.

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Hi all, my first post here and really first time I'm reaching out. I need help. I had RNY in 12/2009 at 382 lbs and did great, I got down to 170 lbs even after giving birth. First it was hard dealing with the medications after having post-partum depression but after a few setbacks we were able to find the right combination of meds but then on 6/2013 I was sexually assaulted and that started the snowball that ends with all the weight I've put on. After the assault I was put on more medications and anti-anxiety meds which I believe played a part on me being in a car accident where I suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and now suffer from epileptic seizures. The years between then and 2016 were really bad. In the past eating was my way to cope with things but I couldn't do that so I started drinking and taking pills instead. Needless to say that was atrocious and it all culminated in a very painful break up with the father of my daughter and me moving cross-country for 18 months. The drinking got worse and I wouldn't eat all day and basically got all my calories from alcohol.

I moved back to my hometown last year and started working on my drinking problem. Things have gotten way better, but in dropping alcohol I turned back to food for comfort.

That's where I'm at now, I'm weighing 220-some lbs (I'm terrified of weighing myself) and go back and forth between weeks where I almost starve myself and work out trying to get some control or cut out carbs or something like that but then I want to drink every day because I can't cope. When I stop drinking then all I want to do is eat. If I restrict my eating, I start looking for excuses to drink or take some type of pill. If I abstain, I feel hungry all the time and end up over eating or eating till I'm sick.

I feel like everything else in my life is going really well (I'm on less medications and not abusing them, I'm getting married in 3 weeks, great job that I love) but no matter what I'm constantly depressed and hate myself. I feel like the biggest, most disgusting failure for all the weight I've gained. My family isn't the best to turn to for support (my mom recently said that to her I look fatter than when I had surgery, even though I'm nowhere near 382 lbs) so I know that I probably need therapy and to go back to my surgeon but I don't even know how to start asking for help. I've made an appointment with a therapist for later this month and I'm supposed to see the nurse practitioner at my bariaric surgeon's office in late August but what do I say to them? What do I do in the meantime? How do I know anyone would understand and not judge me?

I am so ashamed that I'm fat and feel worthless most days and I think that's why I feel so out of control. This post is the first time I've even written down a lot of what's happened or admitted that I feel out of control or need help.

I don't know that I'm asking for advice or just support or just anything but I needed to get this out there. I want to start looking forward to living my life again.

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I am so sorry those things happened to you. 

You have nothing to be ashamed about - life has handed you some very difficult circumstances, and you're doing the best you can. I think you tell the therapist and the NP what you've told us. Your bariatric office's nurse practitioner has certainly seen regain before, and both the NP and the therapist can help you make a plan. (If your therapist judges you, then that wasn't the right therapist. Don't be afraid to try again if the first one isn't a fit.) 

I think you've taken the necessary first steps by scheduling those appointments, and by coming here to tell your story. Be kind to yourself while you get this figured out. You are not a failure, you just took a little detour. You might want to think about getting in to see your primary care provider. They can get you on some antidepressants if you and your doctor agree they would be helpful. I've taken Zoloft daily for years. It's okay to need the boost. 

Some people might suggest to you something like a 5 day pouch test, but honestly I think you need to get into the therapist and the doctor and get your mood stabilized first. Hang in there, you've got this. 

Edited by kristinwitha_k

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31 minutes ago, kristinwitha_k said:

I am so sorry those things happened to you. 

You have nothing to be ashamed about - life has handed you some very difficult circumstances, and you're doing the best you can. I think you tell the therapist and the NP what you've told us. Your bariatric office's nurse practitioner has certainly seen regain before, and both the NP and the therapist can help you make a plan. (If your therapist judges you, then that wasn't the right therapist. Don't be afraid to try again if the first one isn't a fit.) 

I think you've taken the necessary first steps by scheduling those appointments, and by coming here to tell your story. Be kind to yourself while you get this figured out. You are not a failure, you just took a little detour. You might want to think about getting in to see your primary care provider. They can get you on some antidepressants if you and your doctor agree they would be helpful. I've taken Zoloft daily for years. It's okay to need the boost. 

Some people might suggest to you something like a 5 day pouch test, but honestly I think you need to get into the therapist and the doctor and get your mood stabilized first. Hang in there, you've got this. 

Thank you so much for that, you have no idea how much it helps. I've thought of getting back on an antidepressant but I'm afraid of weight gain due to medications as I've heard that can happen. It sucks that I'm at the point where gaining weight sounds worse than feeling better. 

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My heart hurts for you @kat___138.  Please know that you will NEVER ever be judged here.  We all have our struggles.  You have had some horrible things happen to you.  Who knows how each one of us would have coped in that scenario?  Let us know how it goes with the therapist.  And if Thinner Times is simply a place for you to get your thoughts out - so be it.  We are here to support you in whatever way we can.  Hang in there hun. <3

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Wow! You’ve been through quite a lot. Kudos to you for having the courage to put yourself out there. Please don’t feel ashamed! I agree with @kristinwitha_k. I think therapy and looking into possibly getting mood stabilizing meds would be a great first step. If you can find a doctor who is willing to test your levels (dopamine, serotonin, etc) and use supplements alongside meds, it could potentially help get you both mentally & physically healthy, so that therapy will be a bigger help and you can get to a space where you can take control of your eating & weight again. I’d also suggest reading the books “The Mood Cure” and “The Diet Cure” (both by the same author). They both delve into supplements that can help your body with different issues.  The books have a quiz at the beginning so you can figure out what you might be deficient in and what supplements would help. Glutamine, for example, is fantastic for people who have carb/sugar, alcohol, and/or cocaine cravings/addiction issues. It attaches to the same receptors as all of those (isn’t it interesting how carbs, alcohol & cocaine all cause similar chemical reactions in our brains & bodies) and can help reduce cravings. Please take care of yourself and keep posting so we can support you. Many, many hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way! :)

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9 minutes ago, TammyP said:

My heart hurts for you @kat___138.  Please know that you will NEVER ever be judged here.  We all have our struggles.  You have had some horrible things happen to you.  Who knows how each one of us would have coped in that scenario?  Let us know how it goes with the therapist.  And if Thinner Times is simply a place for you to get your thoughts out - so be it.  We are here to support you in whatever way we can.  Hang in there hun. <3

Thank you so much! It does make me feel so much better to have somewhere to let this out with people who understand. I will update letting everyone know.

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Wow, how amazing you are to have survived so much!  You are not a failure girl, life has just not been very kind to you (and it sounds like your mother hasn't either!).  It is time to get healthy and it sounds like you have taken some steps to get started. It will not be easy to get this all sorted out, but I have no doubt you can do it. 

I do believe the therapy is a priority and it sounds to me like medication may very well be a smart choice to help you get your mental health in order.  Talk to your prescriber about your fears of medicine-related weight gain as there are certainly some options that either don't contribute to weight gain or may even contribute to weight loss.  If you can get two benefits from one drug, even better! 

I'm also glad you have an appointment with your bariatric NP.  What do you tell them?  The truth!  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Then you ask them for help.  They will be glad that you have already started with a therapist by then and they can work together to help get you back on track.  They will probably want to do some labs because you likely have some nutritional deficiencies with the erratic eating behavior that may need some intervention.  Once you get the more urgent stuff under control then you can start working on getting back to basics.

Does the job that you love have any EAP benefits?  Employee Assistance Programs often will give short-term (FREE) counseling, financial planning, etc. Won't replace therapy but sometimes it is a program that can get you someone to talk to right away and even help coordinate some other services you might need while you are waiting for your scheduled appointments.  Most larger employers have something in place.  Just a thought.

So glad you were brave enough to take the first steps to getting the help you deserve!

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24 minutes ago, athenarose said:

Wow! You’ve been through quite a lot. Kudos to you for having the courage to put yourself out there. Please don’t feel ashamed! I agree with @kristinwitha_k. I think therapy and looking into possibly getting mood stabilizing meds would be a great first step. If you can find a doctor who is willing to test your levels (dopamine, serotonin, etc) and use supplements alongside meds, it could potentially help get you both mentally & physically healthy, so that therapy will be a bigger help and you can get to a space where you can take control of your eating & weight again. I’d also suggest reading the books “The Mood Cure” and “The Diet Cure” (both by the same author). They both delve into supplements that can help your body with different issues.  The books have a quiz at the beginning so you can figure out what you might be deficient in and what supplements would help. Glutamine, for example, is fantastic for people who have carb/sugar, alcohol, and/or cocaine cravings/addiction issues. It attaches to the same receptors as all of those (isn’t it interesting how carbs, alcohol & cocaine all cause similar chemical reactions in our brains & bodies) and can help reduce cravings. Please take care of yourself and keep posting so we can support you. Many, many hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way! :)

Thanks so much! I'll definitely look into Glucosamine and the books you recommended.

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29 minutes ago, msmarymac said:

Wow, how amazing you are to have survived so much!  You are not a failure girl, life has just not been very kind to you (and it sounds like your mother hasn't either!).  It is time to get healthy and it sounds like you have taken some steps to get started. It will not be easy to get this all sorted out, but I have no doubt you can do it. 

I do believe the therapy is a priority and it sounds to me like medication may very well be a smart choice to help you get your mental health in order.  Talk to your prescriber about your fears of medicine-related weight gain as there are certainly some options that either don't contribute to weight gain or may even contribute to weight loss.  If you can get two benefits from one drug, even better! 

I'm also glad you have an appointment with your bariatric NP.  What do you tell them?  The truth!  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Then you ask them for help.  They will be glad that you have already started with a therapist by then and they can work together to help get you back on track.  They will probably want to do some labs because you likely have some nutritional deficiencies with the erratic eating behavior that may need some intervention.  Once you get the more urgent stuff under control then you can start working on getting back to basics.

Does the job that you love have any EAP benefits?  Employee Assistance Programs often will give short-term (FREE) counseling, financial planning, etc. Won't replace therapy but sometimes it is a program that can get you someone to talk to right away and even help coordinate some other services you might need while you are waiting for your scheduled appointments.  Most larger employers have something in place.  Just a thought.

So glad you were brave enough to take the first steps to getting the help you deserve!

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement! <3

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I have nothing to add to the amazing advice you have received above. I just want to say good for you for taking the first steps to regain control over something that bothers you. It takes a lot of courage to overcome the obstacles you had to jump, so I hope you can acknowledge that and give yourself credit - you are a very strong person. Looking forward to hearing about your upcoming appointments/updates. You do not have to go through this alone :)

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I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. You’re experiencing the kinds of feelings that drive many people to find coping mechanisms. 

Regain is an awful feeling, no doubt about it. However, you are taking the right steps to move past it: admitting you’re struggling, making appointments to get help, seeking support, and, fortunately you’re doing it while the regain is substantial enough to scare you but not anywhere near where you started. Statistically speaking, you’re still a successful post-WLS patient! You’re still down around 150 pounds, which is amazing. 

 

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On 7/13/2018 at 11:10 PM, Ladybugzzz86 said:

I have nothing to add to the amazing advice you have received above. I just want to say good for you for taking the first steps to regain control over something that bothers you. It takes a lot of courage to overcome the obstacles you had to jump, so I hope you can acknowledge that and give yourself credit - you are a very strong person. Looking forward to hearing about your upcoming appointments/updates. You do not have to go through this alone :)

Thank you. I will definitely keep everyone posted. All this support really helps!

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On 7/14/2018 at 12:54 AM, Jen581791 said:

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. You’re experiencing the kinds of feelings that drive many people to find coping mechanisms. 

Regain is an awful feeling, no doubt about it. However, you are taking the right steps to move past it: admitting you’re struggling, making appointments to get help, seeking support, and, fortunately you’re doing it while the regain is substantial enough to scare you but not anywhere near where you started. Statistically speaking, you’re still a successful post-WLS patient! You’re still down around 150 pounds, which is amazing. 

 

Thanks. I try and remind myself of that everyday but sometimes it's hard since a lot of people around me didn't know me pre-wls so all they see is someone fat. I hate feeling invisible and yet very visible when it comes to strangers, if that makes sense.

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11 hours ago, kat___138 said:

it's hard since a lot of people around me didn't know me pre-wls so all they see is someone fat

I had that experience the last time before WLS that I did the regain thing. It felt really awful. Also going back to being visible/invisible to strangers. Going back to being treated "like a fat person" was deeply depressing. I really feel for you. 

How have you been doing in the last few days? I hope you feel good that you've decided to take some concrete steps. 

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12 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

I had that experience the last time before WLS that I did the regain thing. It felt really awful. Also going back to being visible/invisible to strangers. Going back to being treated "like a fat person" was deeply depressing. I really feel for you. 

How have you been doing in the last few days? I hope you feel good that you've decided to take some concrete steps. 

I'm okay for the most part. Been trying to log all my food and not drink with meals and not to hate myself if I slip up. It isn't easy. My wedding is in 2 weeks and I am super stressed and kind of annoyed I'm not one of those people who loses appetite when they're anxious but the opposite. Thanks for asking, though, it's nice to know people understand.

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3 minutes ago, kat___138 said:

My wedding is in 2 weeks

Stress!!!! I hope it goes perfectly! :) 

Logging food, not drinking with meals, and making smart choices is a really good start. If you can be in control of that, it might help you feel some confidence. 

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@kat___138

You're a big success. You've lost a lot of weight, have taken responsibility for the alcohol issue, and are seeking help. Not all anti-depressants lead to weight gain, by the way. Your surgeon will likely be supportive, not judgmental, he or she is there to help you. They can help form the support network to aid you in losing some weight again. I'd focus on how you dug yourself out of the hole you were in and not focus on the fact your feet are a bit muddy still. 

Plus someone loves you so much you are getting married. You;re blessed. 

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I started therapy today. Not bad, the therapist seemed nice enough and hopefully I can start getting something good out of it soon. I did have a rough week with panic attacks and then this weird side pain that was so bad I had to go to the ER. They admitted me but they were so rude and kept acting like I just wanted pain meds when the CT scan looked normal. The GI team finally was nice to me and did an endoscopy and found a small hiatal hernia and said it'd be up to the attending doctor to see what would be done. Well, the %&#33;#%^(&amp; was basically like "everyone gets those, it's not a big deal, you're getting discharged." I'm so &#036;&#33;)(#*&#036; pissed but at least I know my bariatric surgeon, who I see later this next month will take care of it. 

UGH. I hate doctors sometimes. 

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Good to hear that you started therapy today. It truly does suck that everyone that walks into an ER in pain has to be treated like they are only seeking drugs :mad:

I understand that there are plenty of people out there that are seeking drugs but, it really harms the folks that truly are in pain and need help. Try and hang in there until you see your surgeon later in the month. Sorry that you have to wait.

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