Madhouse Heidi

One year today—keeping it real

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One year ago today I had my lap band (which had failed miserably and left me fat, discouraged and sick) converted  to a VSG. It has been a great year of losing weight, becoming more active and feeing healthy. I am down close to 90 pounds, I can wear a size L (sometimes M), and 12-14. 

HOWEVER, I haven’t lost any weight in the last two months. Part of that is probably my body catching its breath, but part of it has been a failure on my part to journal what I’m eating. I know I’ve been eating more carbs and less protein than I should. I have excuses—vacation, graduation, etc. But honestly I’ve been fighting the old mentality of eating without thinking and making excuses for poor choices. I haven’t gone crazy or anything like that  I’m just not following the plan like I should be. 

Today I returned to my journaling and I made excellent food choices. I drank a lot of water and I played tennis. 

I know what I need to do, and I’m so thankful for the VSG that is a fabulous tool to help me get to my goal. I just want to be real and admit that it’s still a mental and emotional battle every day. Food has controlled me for my whole life, so I should have known this wouldn’t be easy. I’m just surprised at how hard it is to overcome and change old habits and ways of thinking. 

I am also struggling with how I see myself. Two months ago when I first got into a size 12/14, I could look at a picture and see myself as smaller than I had been  I was proud of my progress and happy with how I looked. Now I look at pictures or the mirror, and I see myself as “big” Heidi again. It’s maddening! Nothing has changed physically, but mentally I’m beating myself up! 

I hope this doesn’t sound too negative  I would do this all again in a heartbeat! I just needed to share my honest thoughts on this anniversary. Thanks for listening and for all the advice and support. I rely on this board and all of you more than you know!

 

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Happy surgiversary Heidi!

I've been on this forum for 11 years and I know that for me, planning and logging my food intake is the key to success.  Even now, if left to wing it, I fall off the wagon when it comes to carbs (still my achilles heel).  Not in a big way but mentally - it really does mess with my head and when those emotions kick in, I'm totally derailed from doing what I need to do to keep on track.

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Wow @Madhouse Heidi, you look fantastic! I can appreciate the mind lag you are experiencing, I have it every other day. I still feel like I'm huge - but for myself I think I have felt that way for years without really acknowledging it, which is partly how I ended up as big as I did. Self fulfilling prophecy....

So I'm trying to just acknowledge those thoughts, know that they are there, and then (sorry if this sounds stupid lol) I put them on a leaf and let them flow on down a river. -_- It gives me more peace about my thoughts. When I tried not to think of them, I just ended up fixating on them more. This is all the basis of Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), and so far I like this approach, even when dealing with chronic pain. 

Just know you are not alone in this, I am so very proud of you for all the hard work you have done and continue to do. And the best reward for you yet, you are able to fully enjoy life again as a healthier, happier you! Big hugzzz to you on this very special day, and ty for keeping it real :)

Edited by Ladybugzzz86

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Happy surgiversary, Heidi! You're doing really well, and it sounds like your worries and fears are pretty common ones here - they're just part of learning to deal with living a really different life, I think. You look great. You're very pretty in your "before" picture, but glowing with happiness in your current shot. The blond hair suits you, as well. I think it brightens up your face. 

Congrats! :D 

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3 hours ago, cinwa said:

Happy surgiversary Heidi!

I've been on this forum for 11 years and I know that for me, planning and logging my food intake is the key to success.  Even now, if left to wing it, I fall off the wagon when it comes to carbs (still my achilles heel).  Not in a big way but mentally - it really does mess with my head and when those emotions kick in, I'm totally derailed from doing what I need to do to keep on track.

Thank you for the encouragement from a long-term perspective! More and more I realize how imperative it is for me to journal and plan. 

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1 hour ago, Jen581791 said:

Happy surgiversary, Heidi! You're doing really well, and it sounds like your worries and fears are pretty common ones here - they're just part of learning to deal with living a really different life, I think. You look great. You're very pretty in your "before" picture, but glowing with happiness in your current shot. The blond hair suits you, as well. I think it brightens up your face. 

Congrats! :D 

Thanks @Jen581791! I was a blonde most of my life, although age has darkened me up. I appreciate the encouragement and the reminder that we are all on a similar, though not identical, journey!

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2 hours ago, Ladybugzzz86 said:

Wow @Madhouse Heidi, you look fantastic! I can appreciate the mind lag you are experiencing, I have it every other day. I still feel like I'm huge - but for myself I think I have felt that way for years without really acknowledging it, which is partly how I ended up as big as I did. Self fulfilling prophecy....

So I'm trying to just acknowledge those thoughts, know that they are there, and then (sorry if this sounds stupid lol) I put them on a leaf and let them flow on down a river. -_- It gives me more peace about my thoughts. When I tried not to think of them, I just ended up fixating on them more. This is all the basis of Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), and so far I like this approach, even when dealing with chronic pain. 

Just know you are not alone in this, I am so very proud of you for all the hard work you have done and continue to do. And the best reward for you yet, you are able to fully enjoy life again as a healthier, happier you! Big hugzzz to you on this very special day, and ty for keeping it real :)

@Ladybugzzz86, thank you for your kind words! Our minds are so powerful. I like the idea of sending them down the river. Here’s to enjoying and cultivating that health and happiness!

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Congrats on your surgiversary!!!  I think you look fabulous!

One thing beyond even tracking (I use MyFitnessPal which is free and helps me see what I am doing right and where I am going wrong) but is remembering portion size. I stopped measuring for a few weeks but then realized I was over a little in my portions, so back to it I went.  To make it super easy, I still pack my lunch in tiny 4 oz containers which don’t look as appealing but it still is enough and I am satisfied afterwards and I can’t sneak ANY extra into my meal!  Here’s my lunch today (my crack slaw)  

 

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@CheeringCJ

I Like to do that same thing. I’m really good at it during the school year when I have a schedule. I am not as faithful during the summer when my schedule is very flexible. I also use MyFitnessPal, which I love. But it is only good as my accuracy in measuring and recording my intake! When I estimate how much I’ve eaten, I think I often underestimate my portion sizes. Thanks for the reminder—I really need to be doing that every day!

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Congratulations! You look great! Keep taking and looking at pictures. That is what helped me to make the connection of what I look like now. Even at nearly 5 years out, I still see myself in the mirror as bigger than I am. 

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@Madhouse Heidi

First, big applause for the lap band conversion and re-do surgery, and loss of 90 lbs. Huge accomplishments. Don't sell yourself short. 

Secondly you managed to go 2 months without a big weight gain. Third, you've returned to journaling and getting some exercise. 

FWIW, my view is that these are signs of success. None of us are 'perfect' or able to ALWAYS do the right thing. The hallmarks of success are that when adversity shows up you use the tools at hand to get back on track. Which you have done. So don't beat yourself up; instead be happy with yourself and (while accepting your two month vacation from weight tracking) just move forward.  I mean, you didn't gain weight even when your attention wandered. That is really really outstanding!

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Thanks @Stephtay! It’s good to know I’m not alone in the image struggle. 

@BurgundyBoy 

Your encouragement means a lot!  I guess I need to focus on the positive aspects of this year—90 pounds down, maintaining for 2 months, even though not 100% on track. Lots of NSVs as well. Thank you for the boost!

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17 minutes ago, Madhouse Heidi said:

Thanks @Stephtay! It’s good to know I’m not alone in the image struggle. 

@BurgundyBoy 

Your encouragement means a lot!  I guess I need to focus on the positive aspects of this year—90 pounds down, maintaining for 2 months, even though not 100% on track. Lots of NSVs as well. Thank you for the boost!

Yes. Self-defeating to beat oneself up for not being perfect; that would be letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. B)

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5 hours ago, Stephtay said:

Congratulations! You look great! Keep taking and looking at pictures. That is what helped me to make the connection of what I look like now. Even at nearly 5 years out, I still see myself in the mirror as bigger than I am. 

Yep, I still struggle with image.  I call them my “fat” moments.  Then I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in a door as I approach a building and think “ my god those legs are thin, they can’t be mine”.   

I love the 4 ounce container CJ has.  I’ll dump the contents into a custard cup or small plate.  I haven’t eaten on a big dinner plates in a long time, lol!  

Youve come a long way!  And you are so close to goal!  Keep your eye on the prize (goal!). You look so young in the current picture!

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I like all the responses in this thread.  And @Madhouse Heidi, you really are doing well.  The thought processes that helped me gain weight are still in my head and as soon as I feel a little bloated, they kick back on and try to tell me forget the plan and go back to my old habits.  That is just self doubt messing around in our heads.  Real easy to feel like not losing pounds is failure but I totally agree with @BurgundyBoy that not gaining is success!

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Thanks @Cheesehead and @Rob_VSG! The struggle is real! I’m so thankful for this tool to help overcome the old ways of thinking and behaving. 

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On 7/12/2018 at 10:29 AM, BurgundyBoy said:

The hallmarks of success are that when adversity shows up you use the tools at hand to get back on track. 

 

On 7/12/2018 at 11:29 AM, BurgundyBoy said:

Yes. Self-defeating to beat oneself up for not being perfect; that would be letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. B)

Your wisdom never ceases to astound me.....and help ME....even when you are helping "someone else"

Thanks....

@Madhouse Heidi.... looking fabulous girl!!!

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6 hours ago, AliPat said:

 

Your wisdom never ceases to astound me.....and help ME....even when you are helping "someone else"

Thanks....

@Madhouse Heidi.... looking fabulous girl!!!

What she ^^^^^^ said on both counts!!

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Oh @Madhouse Heidi I missed this. Happy belated 1 year surgiversary !!  You look amazing !!

I have some of the same issues. Don't be too hard on yourself. None of us got this way overnight and it takes longer for the brain to catch up and catch on to our new life styles.

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On 8/1/2018 at 7:42 PM, tracyringo said:

Oh @Madhouse Heidi I missed this. Happy belated 1 year surgiversary !!  You look amazing !!

I have some of the same issues. Don't be too hard on yourself. None of us got this way overnight and it takes longer for the brain to catch up and catch on to our new life styles.

Thanks @tracyringo

 

I was was inspired by your post last week. I did the 5 day pouch test this week. It totally helped reset my head. I lost 5 pounds this week, and I feel more in control of my eating and cravings than I have in several months! This board and people like you have been such a lifeline and encouragement on this journey! 

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2 hours ago, Madhouse Heidi said:

Thanks @tracyringo

 

I was was inspired by your post last week. I did the 5 day pouch test this week. It totally helped reset my head. I lost 5 pounds this week, and I feel more in control of my eating and cravings than I have in several months! This board and people like you have been such a lifeline and encouragement on this journey! 

Wow !!  5 lbs in one week is fantastic. Congratulations.

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Hi @CheeringCJ  I would love to have the recipe for your “crack slaw” please:)

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55 minutes ago, Animalrescuer18 said:

Hi @CheeringCJ  I would love to have the recipe for your “crack slaw” please:)

you can look it up on line and that is what i did at first but now I just do it myself.  It is supposed to be like an egg roll w/o the egg.  I cook 1# of sausage (I use mild), then I drain and rinse it then put it back in a deep pan and add one bag of coleslaw mix (in the shredded lettuce section of the store, it is bascially shredded cabbage and carrots).  I add that and cook it down a little (5 mins?) until it is how I want it (less time, crunchier, more time and it shrinks and is softer) then I pour a tablespoon (maybe slightly more, but to taste) of sesame oil on it and stir it all in, put into 4 oz cups like that and top it w/ cut green onions and sprinkle w/ sesame seeds. I eat it hot or cold.  The calories are low and it is delicious!!  The sausage has protein and there are basically no carbs.  

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14 hours ago, CheeringCJ said:

you can look it up on line and that is what i did at first but now I just do it myself.  It is supposed to be like an egg roll w/o the egg.  I cook 1# of sausage (I use mild), then I drain and rinse it then put it back in a deep pan and add one bag of coleslaw mix (in the shredded lettuce section of the store, it is bascially shredded cabbage and carrots).  I add that and cook it down a little (5 mins?) until it is how I want it (less time, crunchier, more time and it shrinks and is softer) then I pour a tablespoon (maybe slightly more, but to taste) of sesame oil on it and stir it all in, put into 4 oz cups like that and top it w/ cut green onions and sprinkle w/ sesame seeds. I eat it hot or cold.  The calories are low and it is delicious!!  The sausage has protein and there are basically no carbs.  

Thank you:D

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4 hours ago, Animalrescuer18 said:

Thank you:D

 

19 hours ago, CheeringCJ said:

you can look it up on line and that is what i did at first but now I just do it myself.  It is supposed to be like an egg roll w/o the egg.  I cook 1# of sausage (I use mild), then I drain and rinse it then put it back in a deep pan and add one bag of coleslaw mix (in the shredded lettuce section of the store, it is bascially shredded cabbage and carrots).  I add that and cook it down a little (5 mins?) until it is how I want it (less time, crunchier, more time and it shrinks and is softer) then I pour a tablespoon (maybe slightly more, but to taste) of sesame oil on it and stir it all in, put into 4 oz cups like that and top it w/ cut green onions and sprinkle w/ sesame seeds. I eat it hot or cold.  The calories are low and it is delicious!!  The sausage has protein and there are basically no carbs.  

I love this stuff!!

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