.:princesszelda:.

How to tell a date about weight loss surgery

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Hey everyone, 

Before I continue, I want to make a few things clear, which are I have never been on a date before, I have never been in a relationship before, and I have never kissed a guy before (meaning I haven't even had my first kiss yet) or had sex yet. So, I'm pretty much a virgin and I'm ok with that. I'm focusing on graduate school and my career right now and I don't have the time to be in a relationship right now, but that doesn't mean I'm completely closed off to the idea. If I meet a guy tomorrow and we start dating in a couple months, I would be open to the idea. If it is meant to be and happen, then I am not going to stop it from happening. 

Anyways, when I do start dating, when would be the best time to tell a date that I had weight loss surgery? How would I work that topic into a conversation? On one hand, I want to be honest, but on the other hand, I don't want to get hurt and embarrassed in public. 

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5 minutes ago, .:princesszelda:. said:

Hey everyone, 

Before I continue, I want to make a few things clear, which are I have never been on a date before, I have never been in a relationship before, and I have never kissed a guy before (meaning I haven't even had my first kiss yet) or had sex yet. So, I'm pretty much a virgin and I'm ok with that. I'm focusing on graduate school and my career right now and I don't have the time to be in a relationship right now, but that doesn't mean I'm completely closed off to the idea. If I meet a guy tomorrow and we start dating in a couple months, I would be open to the idea. If it is meant to be and happen, then I am not going to stop it from happening. 

Anyways, when I do start dating, when would be the best time to tell a date that I had weight loss surgery? How would I work that topic into a conversation? On one hand, I want to be honest, but on the other hand, I don't want to get hurt and embarrassed in public. 

I wouldn't let that be my intro line, but if you realized this might be turning into something special and you were having feelings for each other, and you felt comfortable in sharing then that would be when....not too soon.  I think you will be relieved as to how easily a guy that cares about you will take it. It isn't threatening to him at all so he won't mind.  And don't think about it being "embarrassing", I bet you will find it was really nothing at all to worry about, that it will be very easy to share when the time comes.  When someone loves you it isnt' because you have or having had WLS, they love YOU and that is just a part of who you are.  And honestly he'll get a better "bargain" anyway, because you will change WAY more than you think you will...it was your digestive system they worked on, but seriously, it changes everything, your thinking, your outlook, your life, so he will just have more and more things about you to love!!! :)

Edited by CheeringCJ

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You don't owe anyone your medical history. If things start getting serious, and you want to disclose all kinds of personal info, go for it. That will build intimacy. It's only worth building intimacy with someone you discover is worthy of it. It can take time to figure that out. May all your dates be good ones!

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I’ve found that it comes up pretty naturally. I don’t volunteer the information right away, but it generally comes up over the course of conversations about eating healthy, working out, etc. In my experience, it usually comes up after a couple weeks of dating, but it has come up sooner on occasion. Usually we’ll be talking about working out, I’ll mention that I used to be twice the size I am now, they’ll ask how lost the weight, and I’ll tell them about having WLS. I don’t act like it’s a big deal or anything to be ashamed of. I’ve personally found that guys don’t care about how you used to be, they’re too focused on how you are now. It also helps explain why I eat so little and don’t drink. I’ve honestly never had a negative reaction and I’ve actually had a couple guys breathe a sigh of relief because it “explains” why I’m nice. Because apparently, (in my part of the world at least), attractive, thin women are only nice if they have ulterior motives or are crazy. :huh: But don’t stress about it too much. It probably feels like a bigger deal than it actually will be when the time comes.

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I have been through this, and while not virginal I was certainly out of practice ;)

I had additional nerves over having been a widow for 8 years after being married for 22 years.  So, hadn't been on a date since 1987! Lots of anxiety. And I typically worry way too much about what people will think/say about or to me so I understand the dilemma of when and how much to tell.  For me when it was the right person it became very easy to talk about that and many other things.

One thing is for sure,  your story is one of triumph and pride, share that with someone deserving of it :)

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On 6/12/2018 at 5:08 AM, Gretta said:

You don't owe anyone your medical history.

Agree.

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I never told anyone I dated about my first WLS. My hubby knew once my revision became necessary.  I may have told him at some point after we met....but it was so long ago we both forgot about it. I remember about three years ago being asked by my gyn what the scar was from that ran from my breastbone to naval. He began to chide me for not having told him before, but was okay when I told him I had genuinely forgotten about that surgery.

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I've been thinking about this for a day. Wanted to be thoughtful with my answer. First, I totally agree with @Gretta and @Carina that you don't have to tell anyone. Second, everyone has something they may or may not want to share with a date, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, etc. Could be medical, could be past trauma, could have nothing to do directly with them but something like their mom spent 15 years in federal prison. Everyone has things they are slow to (or never) reveal. You'll decide what is right for you with your date/dates. 

I cannot imagine that someone would be so stupid, cruel or callous to hurt or embarrassed if you tell them you've had weight loss surgery. If anyone were to do that, punch them in the face and walk away.

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6 hours ago, Stephtay said:

I've been thinking about this for a day. Wanted to be thoughtful with my answer. First, I totally agree with @Gretta and @Carina that you don't have to tell anyone. Second, everyone has something they may or may not want to share with a date, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, etc. Could be medical, could be past trauma, could have nothing to do directly with them but something like their mom spent 15 years in federal prison. Everyone has things they are slow to (or never) reveal. You'll decide what is right for you with your date/dates. 

I cannot imagine that someone would be so stupid, cruel or callous to hurt or embarrassed if you tell them you've had weight loss surgery. If anyone were to do that, punch them in the face and walk away.

All of this a thousand times over.  I think it’s Brene Brown who says that you don’t owe anyone your story and it’s so true. I just personally couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and not sharing about my WLS. How would that work? Do you not mention the weight loss at all? Hide all pictures of the “old” you? Not acknowledge the scars or loose skin? Talk about the weight loss but gloss over the surgery part? At a certain point, it seems like an awfully big secret to keep for no reason. But at the end of the day, Steph and everyone else is right that it’s your story to tell. And anyone who is a jerk about it isn’t worth your time or energy.

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