Nana Trish

I finally went to see my grandma

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My sweet 94 year old grandmother has been in a nursing home since November. The last time I saw her was at her 90th birthday party, and of course I was at my highest weight ever. Unlike it was with my parents and sister, the reason I haven't seen her in so long was not because of any rift or estrangement. Reasons I don't want to get into right now. But I have always been very close to, and adore, my grandmother very much. In lieu of visits over the past few years, I started sending her little cards, notes, and letters a few times a month. She would always write back, and she always put a $5 bill in the card...like I was still a little kid, lol. We had been mailing back and forth for a couple of years...until her health declined to the point of dementia, and the need to be placed in the nursing home. 

I think I'm just about the only one that hadn't been to see her, until yesterday. I kept making excuses, because I was positive she wouldn't recognize me due to the weight loss (even though the dementia has taken most of her memory), and I was scared. But it looks like she doesn't have a lot of time left, and I knew I needed to suck it up and go for a visit...regardless of the outcome. I figured, if she somehow did recognize me, at least she would know that I was there and that I love her. If not, at least I would know that I didn't just let her die without saying goodbye. 

She has VERY poor hearing, which she has for many years now. She can only hear out of her right ear, and you have to get very close to her ear and yell so she can here anything at all. When we got there, she was asleep...but it was almost her lunchtime, which was the plan. We knew we'd have to wake her and try to get her to eat, so my mother suggested we go then if I was to have any chance of talking to her. (Yes, I went with my mother...long story for another time). She only ate 2 bites of her lunch, then she waved her hand and said "no more". At least she was drinking juice, so she is getting a little hydration, but she's on comfort care so no IV fluids are given. She's SO thin...if I had to guess, I'd say she weighs around 70 pounds. I know that's normal for an elderly person at end of life, but very hard to see just the same. Also, she is only 4' 6", so she is just tiny in every way. 

When I first got there, I could tell from her reaction that she didn't know me...but she looked at me like she knew she had seen me before. I was surprised, but happy to at least know I was in her memory somewhere. I gave her several kisses on the forehead and told her I loved her. She slept during most of the visit, but there were a few times that she would wake up and look over at me. She speaks in a very faint whisper, and I could barely make out what she was saying. We stayed for about an hour. When we got up to leave (my aunt, my mother and I left together...2 of my uncles stayed with her), I went over and gave her another kiss on the forehead and told her I loved her again. She whispered something to me that I couldn't understand. So I leaned in closer, and she said she was sorry she hadn't written to me for so long, and that she loved me more than I know. She remembered me...I just couldn't believe it. My heart was so full. She started to cry as we left which crushed me. I hate the fact that she has to be there, but I know it's 100% necessary. That doesn't make it easier, it is what it is...and no amount of wishing can change that. 

I guess the whole point of this post is my realization that no matter what size I am, love is love...and I need to start doing things, even the very scary things, and taking my weight out of the equation all together. Prior to WLS, I would have made myself sick worrying that she wouldn't know me because I was so big. And now I still let my size determine how long I waited to go see my grandmother, for fear of her not recognizing me. And the worst part of the whole thing?? It's not even ABOUT me. It's about her. She has always loved me, and apparently always will, and I have to get over myself and just be there for her. I'm so thankful that my chance to see her was not missed because of my hang ups. I plan to go back again in a few days so I can love on her a little more.

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4 hours ago, Nana Trish said:

I guess the whole point of this post is my realization that no matter what size I am, love is love...and I need to start doing things, even the very scary things, and taking my weight out of the equation all together. 

First of all, I am so glad to see you around. I've been missing you and hoping you were doing ok.  

I am glad you got to visit your Grandmom and so glad she recognized you in the end.  Both of my mom's parents had Alzheimer's and it was heart breaking when they didn't recognize you but then there were moments they did and it was so precious and I felt like if they could recognize me for that moment, that meant their brain was working so I could tell them I love them and it would "makes its way in" to their brain/heart! 

I love the realization you came to.  What a blessing to realize!!! For years, most of us have let our weight dictate our lives and our reactions and all.  And to just realize what you did is such a sweet blessing and we should all learn from your experience, thank you for sharing.

Stick around when you can...and update us on how you're doing :)

 

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@Nana Trish First off, I’m glad to see you here. I’ve been a bit spotty about coming here because I’m super busy with Katya. Coming here does me good and I’m sure you feel the same way. 

Don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. We have all made poor choices because of our size. I’m glad you got to see your grandmother and happy that she was to give you love at your visit. I can’t lie, your story made me tear es up. You had magical moment. Treasure that forever.

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15 hours ago, NerdyToothpick said:

@Nana Trish First off, I’m glad to see you here. I’ve been a bit spotty about coming here because I’m super busy with Katya. Coming here does me good and I’m sure you feel the same way. 

Don’t beat yourself up for past mistakes. We have all made poor choices because of our size. I’m glad you got to see your grandmother and happy that she was to give you love at your visit. I can’t lie, your story made me tear es up. You had magical moment. Treasure that forever.

Thanks, @NerdyToothpick :wub: It’s nice to see you too :) 

Coming here definitely does me good...I wish I had more time lately. Like you, Harper is keeping me running like a crazy woman, and chasing/wrangling him keeps me crazy busy! I’ll try to come here more often, I miss you guys! 

It was a magical moment when my gram remembered me I haven’t been that happy in a very long time :) 

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22 hours ago, CheeringCJ said:

First of all, I am so glad to see you around. I've been missing you and hoping you were doing ok.  

I am glad you got to visit your Grandmom and so glad she recognized you in the end.  Both of my mom's parents had Alzheimer's and it was heart breaking when they didn't recognize you but then there were moments they did and it was so precious and I felt like if they could recognize me for that moment, that meant their brain was working so I could tell them I love them and it would "makes its way in" to their brain/heart! 

I love the realization you came to.  What a blessing to realize!!! For years, most of us have let our weight dictate our lives and our reactions and all.  And to just realize what you did is such a sweet blessing and we should all learn from your experience, thank you for sharing.

Stick around when you can...and update us on how you're doing :)

 

Thank you, @CheeringCJ...I’ve missed you guys too!!

Im very glad I got to visit her too, and the next time I go it will be without all of the head games I've been inventing...so it will be that much more meaningful

I’ve been coming to a lot of realizations lately, and I’m trying to sort through them all and trying to make them all come together to form a healthily (?) functioning brain, lol. It’s a work in progress, no doubt. I’m definitely going to try and check in here more often...like I said, I miss you guys, and I always have better days when I check in here :) 

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@Nana Trish

This post made me wanna cry.  So moving and so personal.  I'm so so glad you are getting to connect with your gramma now.  My worst fear is that one day I will forget the ones I love.  Keep loving on her. <3

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3 hours ago, TammyP said:

@Nana Trish

This post made me wanna cry.  So moving and so personal.  I'm so so glad you are getting to connect with your gramma now.  My worst fear is that one day I will forget the ones I love.  Keep loving on her. <3

I’m thanking God for every second that I spent with her, and with His will I will be able to visit her again in a couple of days

I have the same fears as you about forgetting my loved ones :( I’ve seen enough of that this past 6 months to last me a lifetime. I just don’t want her to suffer. I will love her to my last breath, that’s for sure.

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That was a very beautiful story Trish, and one that I'm sure many of us can relate to in one way or another. I have put off many things because I put myself first - worried about the way I look, feel, or might act... But realistically it rarely had anything to do with me. I am so glad that she recognized you, and that no matter what happens you will not have that regret of not going to see her. Kudos to you for the self-push, sounds like it certainly did pay off for you and her. 

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All the feels. Hugs to you with tears in my eyes. Any visit to a nursing home takes a ton of positive self talk to get me to get out the car.

This is such a beautiful memory for you to carry with you.

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Awww, so very special. I've missed you! :wub:

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On 6/11/2018 at 7:39 PM, Ladybugzzz86 said:

That was a very beautiful story Trish, and one that I'm sure many of us can relate to in one way or another. I have put off many things because I put myself first - worried about the way I look, feel, or might act... But realistically it rarely had anything to do with me. I am so glad that she recognized you, and that no matter what happens you will not have that regret of not going to see her. Kudos to you for the self-push, sounds like it certainly did pay off for you and her. 

Thanks for the boost, @Ladybugzzz86 :) I know I’m not the only one that has let my weight stop me from doing things, I guess it’s just frustrating how much time I’ve wasted doing that. Not any more. I’m going back to see my gram on Saturday. She’s got pneumonia in her left lung, so she needs some time to recuperate before I can go back. 

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On 6/11/2018 at 7:42 PM, KMFL28 said:

All the feels. Hugs to you with tears in my eyes. Any visit to a nursing home takes a ton of positive self talk to get me to get out the car.

This is such a beautiful memory for you to carry with you.

Thank you for the hugs, @KMFL28  It definitely takes a lot of self talk to get myself inside the nursing home, but I already feel like this time will be easier. 

I’m cherishing the memory every day :wub:

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On 6/11/2018 at 7:53 PM, Gretta said:

Awww, so very special. I've missed you! :wub:

I’ve missed you too, @Gretta!!!

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1 hour ago, Nana Trish said:

Thanks for the boost, @Ladybugzzz86 :) I know I’m not the only one that has let my weight stop me from doing things, I guess it’s just frustrating how much time I’ve wasted doing that. Not any more. I’m going back to see my gram on Saturday. She’s got pneumonia in her left lung, so she needs some time to recuperate before I can go back. 

Praying she will have a speedy recovery @Nana Trish! She sounds like a tough gal, I think you have some good DNA coursing through you ;) Can't wait to hear how your next trip goes :D

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I lost my father a few years ago. At the time he had developed full blown dementia and didn’t recognize me at all. I will forever value the years before that when he and I had a wonderful relationship. Thus, I am happy and moved by your story @Nana Trishabout your recent visit to your grandmother, and agree that love is a wonderfully powerful force and emotion. 

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On 6/13/2018 at 2:26 PM, Ladybugzzz86 said:

Praying she will have a speedy recovery @Nana Trish! She sounds like a tough gal, I think you have some good DNA coursing through you ;) Can't wait to hear how your next trip goes :D

Thank you so much for the prayers, @Ladybugzzz86 ❤️❤️❤️ She is a VERY tough gal...she took care of my beloved great grandmother while she was dying, and of my grandfather while going through bladder cancer and dying. She is an amazing woman. That’s why it’s so hard to see her in a nursing home now. If I was physically able, I would take her in in a heartbeat. She has 6 children, all physically able, who have not taken her in, and that eats at me every day. But she seems to be responding to the antibiotics, so hopefully I’ll be cleared to see her again tomorrow. ❤️

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On 6/13/2018 at 4:06 PM, Res Ipsa said:

I lost my father a few years ago. At the time he had developed full blown dementia and didn’t recognize me at all. I will forever value the years before that when he and I had a wonderful relationship. Thus, I am happy and moved by your story @Nana Trishabout your recent visit to your grandmother, and agree that love is a wonderfully powerful force and emotion. 

I’m so sorry to hear your experience with your father, @Res Ipsa...but it makes my heart full to know that you had a blessed relationship prior to his decline. I love my grandmother more than I can describe, and I only want peace for her, so I hope her recovery from pneumonia is quick. 

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