Michael_A

The power of negative memories

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On 6/10/2018 at 8:16 AM, Nana Trish said:

I truly hope this gets easier for you with time

Trish don't get me wrong, in almost every area of life, life is SO much better for me. I am so happy right now. I was just surprised to find that things like the tray table experience, and for you car seat belts, are a thing. And how deeply it was burned into me. But hey if that's the only area of my life that something like that exists, then I consider myself blessed :-)

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1 hour ago, Michael_A said:

Trish don't get me wrong, in almost every area of life, life is SO much better for me. I am so happy right now. I was just surprised to find that things like the tray table experience, and for you car seat belts, are a thing. And how deeply it was burned into me. But hey if that's the only area of my life that something like that exists, then I consider myself blessed :-)

I agree...very well said, @Michael_A! Our minds are strange, for sure. The things that trigger bad feelings and memories seem so random at times, especially when we feel so much better. But some things will always be burned into our memories I guess. 

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That's such a great story, thank you for sharing it!

It's crazy, probably my biggest NSV is the same type of thing. Rarely was I more painfully reminded of just how big I was than when flying. I have to travel a lot for my career and I always dreaded being on the plane. Not because I am afraid to fly but because there was always the risk of the seatbelt not fitting, I'd be stuck in the middle seat, the seats were especially narrow, etc... There was one time when I couldn't close the seatbelt and hid the fact from the attendant just so I wouldn't have to ask for the extender. My hips were always squeezed and the arm rests dug into my sides.....not fun. Fast forward to my first trip post WLS. I nearly cried (and I'm not a public cryer) when I had significant slack left on the seatbelt and my sides didn't come anywhere near the armrests. I took a picture of the seatbelt! People probably thought I was crazy.

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1 hour ago, Jabsie said:

That's such a great story, thank you for sharing it!

It's crazy, probably my biggest NSV is the same type of thing. Rarely was I more painfully reminded of just how big I was than when flying. I have to travel a lot for my career and I always dreaded being on the plane. Not because I am afraid to fly but because there was always the risk of the seatbelt not fitting, I'd be stuck in the middle seat, the seats were especially narrow, etc... There was one time when I couldn't close the seatbelt and hid the fact from the attendant just so I wouldn't have to ask for the extender. My hips were always squeezed and the arm rests dug into my sides.....not fun. Fast forward to my first trip post WLS. I nearly cried (and I'm not a public cryer) when I had significant slack left on the seatbelt and my sides didn't come anywhere near the armrests. I took a picture of the seatbelt! People probably thought I was crazy.

I love this!! It’s great to be brought to tears for a happy reason, isn’t it?? It’s happened to me a few times either after a doctor’s appointment or leaving a clothing store after fitting into something I never thought I’d be able to fit into! I rarely fly, so I don’t have that to deal with. But even the chairs in the doctors office, a restaurant booth, etc, are no longer a source of anxiety for me :) (well stadium seating still is, but I’ll get past that eventually)

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On 6/6/2018 at 1:38 PM, Boho Rosy said:

I haven't been on here in a while, but your post caught my eye. I can SO relate. I'm actually flying on Friday and I'm totally nervous about this stuff even though I know I don't have to be. I flew to Paris 25 pounds ago and the tray table and seat belt were all totally fine for the first time in FOREVER, but I'm terrified that even though I've lost more weight since then, I will have problems. I've been kicking myself all day for throwing away my seat belt extender even though I know I won't need it. It is amazing how deep-routed anxiety and fear trumps my ability to think logically.

I still have a ways to go with my weight loss, but I know one thing for sure. The emotional scars will take much longer to heal than the physical ones!

How was your trip? Are you still sorry you tossed your extender? I can tell you - you won't EVER need it again! You are doing fantastic! 

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27 minutes ago, Stephtay said:

How was your trip? Are you still sorry you tossed your extender? I can tell you - you won't EVER need it again! You are doing fantastic! 

It’s funny that you ask because I almost wrote on here about it just today, but then hesitated. Your question has convinced me to go ahead with it.

Things went great on the way there. I didn’t come close to needing an extender, the seat was comfy (relatively speaking) and the tray table fit just fine when I pulled it down. 

On the way back, however, I encountered an %!#%^(& who, while in line a few people before me to board, went on a loud tirade about how he “better not have to sit next to that fat girl behind us.” There was no question that he was referring to me, because he turned around and glared at me several times and continued talking about how fat and pathetic I was. After he was seated, he watched me until I passed him and then turned to his girlfriend and loudly expressed his relief that they weren’t stuck with “that fat girl.”

It was pretty awful, because I had convinced myself that I was at a point where people weren’t noticing my weight so much. I mean, I know I have a ways to go, but I’m closer to my goal than to where I started and I’m barely wearing plus sizes anymore. Oh. And here’s the kicker. The guy was overweight (and for the record, he had a sunburn all over his face and head - everywhere but the painfully white outline of his sunglasses. Such a jerk. I wish I had defended myself. Or, even better, that someone else did. Sigh.

 

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48 minutes ago, Boho Rosy said:

It’s funny that you ask because I almost wrote on here about it just today, but then hesitated. Your question has convinced me to go ahead with it.

Things went great on the way there. I didn’t come close to needing an extender, the seat was comfy (relatively speaking) and the tray table fit just fine when I pulled it down. 

On the way back, however, I encountered an %!#%^(& who, while in line a few people before me to board, went on a loud tirade about how he “better not have to sit next to that fat girl behind us.” There was no question that he was referring to me, because he turned around and glared at me several times and continued talking about how fat and pathetic I was. After he was seated, he watched me until I passed him and then turned to his girlfriend and loudly expressed his relief that they weren’t stuck with “that fat girl.”

It was pretty awful, because I had convinced myself that I was at a point where people weren’t noticing my weight so much. I mean, I know I have a ways to go, but I’m closer to my goal than to where I started and I’m barely wearing plus sizes anymore. Oh. And here’s the kicker. The guy was overweight (and for the record, he had a sunburn all over his face and head - everywhere but the painfully white outline of his sunglasses. Such a jerk. I wish I had defended myself. Or, even better, that someone else did. Sigh.

 

OMG. I am so sorry that happened to you. My blood is boiling!

How I wish I would have been there. I would have hurt him. And then I would have smacked his girlfriend. And a few people around them for not telling him to shut it. I am so mad right now I'm trying to figure out how we can figure out who he is so I can go to his house and punch him in the face. 

Years ago on a flight the man in front of my kept moving his seat back and forth over and over. I finally tapped him on the shoulder and asked him to not move his seat back all the way because it was hitting my knees and starting to hurt. I was nice about it. He looked at me, made some comment about how I'm fat whipped around leaned his seat back all the way again. Just to be a jerk. I flipped my lid and before I really knew what I was doing I took both hands and SHOVED his seat as hard as I could. I might have been fat but I worked out. He was in bulkhead and didn't have his seat belt on and he kinda flew out of his seat. Not flying through the air but it pitched him forward enough that he stumbled. He turned around and started yelling at me as did his wife. I was too mad to care. I was tunnel vision seeing red mad. The flight attendant came over, asked what as going on and while they blathered on about how the mean fat lady shoved his seat I just glared at him and did not say one word. I thought/hoped the air marshal would show up because I was going to sweet talk him into holding the guy down while I beat him up.

 

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@Boho Rosy, I'm furious. What a POS he is. I bet all the people in that line would rather sit next to you than next to him. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. It hurts even more when you're putting in hard work and have already come so far. I wish I could purge that whole exchange from your brain. What completely unacceptable behavior.

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3 hours ago, Boho Rosy said:

%!#%^(&

That is about how I'd describe that behavior, too ;) 

People can be absolutely awful, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. His behavior says a whole lot more about him than it does about you. 

@Stephtay I get so riled by people's behavior on airplanes, particularly the seat lean. Well, that and the back of the seat kicking by children. And the feet on my armrest between the seats. And... Ugh. There's so much bad behavior. 

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@Boho RosyI am so angry and hurt on your behalf and I will totally help @Stephtay with the beat down he deserves! There is absolutely no justification for that sort of boorish behavior.  You noticed that he was overweight himself...he probably also had tiny hands and all that implies; loud obnoxious men are often compensating for their own "shortcomings" ;)

 

In general airline experiences are hit and miss.  I had a horrible flight last weekend next to a very tall, very sleepy man who man spread then slumped over on me, then sweat all over me.  Not acceptable dude.  I am by nature a kind, polite person so I started with the clearing of throat and gentle movement which helped briefly.  Finely I just said, "Hey, I can either switch seats so you can lean on the window to sleep or you can stay awake but I am not OK with the current arrangement".  I never would have been as bold as a fat person, wouldn't have wanted to draw attention to myself and would have just assumed it was my fault.

 

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Thanks for the support, @Stephtay, @Gretta, @Jen581791, and @msmarymac. I think a lot about how fat-shaming seems to be one of the few safe places left for bullies. For whatever reason, people love to hate those who are overweight, and society still allows it for the most part. It's important to me that I always remember this as I continue to transform so that I can be a friend to/support those who are going through it. It's rough out there!

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16 hours ago, Boho Rosy said:

...On the way back, however, I encountered an %!#%^(& who, while in line a few people before me to board, went on a loud tirade about how he “better not have to sit next to that fat girl behind us.” There was no question that he was referring to me, because he turned around and glared at me several times and continued talking about how fat and pathetic I was. After he was seated, he watched me until I passed him and then turned to his girlfriend and loudly expressed his relief that they weren’t stuck with “that fat girl.”

... Such a jerk. I wish I had defended myself. Or, even better, that someone else did. Sigh.

 

What. A. Jerk. 

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3 hours ago, Boho Rosy said:

Thanks for the support, @Stephtay, @Gretta, @Jen581791, and @msmarymac. I think a lot about how fat-shaming seems to be one of the few safe places left for bullies. For whatever reason, people love to hate those who are overweight, and society still allows it for the most part. It's important to me that I always remember this as I continue to transform so that I can be a friend to/support those who are going through it. It's rough out there!

I totally agree.  One of the odd things about reaching a healthy goal weight after weight loss surgery is suddenly no one looks at you as being fat, and the spoken shaming and unspoken looks (and feelings) of disapproval totally end. 

I am very sorry for what you went through.

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Wow, the nerve! I hope he has some type of condition where he can't control outbursts, because there is absolutely NO excuse for that. Hugs to you @Boho Rosy, you ARE doing fantastic, and don't let this a hole make you feel bad about yourself in any way. He is the one who feels embarrassed and shameful...

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18 hours ago, Boho Rosy said:

It's important to me that I always remember this as I continue to transform so that I can be a friend to/support those who are going through it.

This is also one of my goals. The world needs to be kinder to people in general, but heavy people have it pretty bad - between the discomfort and the shaming and the things that become difficult, it's just a bit harder to live life as a larger person. Kindness goes a long way.

Edited by Jen581791

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On 6/4/2018 at 3:51 PM, BurgundyBoy said:

The NEXT time you remember the negative memory it will have linked to it the positive one of the relief & pleasure of having plenty of space.

Thanks for the insight BB, eager to try. :)

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4 hours ago, Boho Rosy said:

closer to my goal than to where I started and I’m barely wearing plus sizes anymore

Boho, please don't give this a$$hole the power to steal the joy you have in your accomplishments.  I know that is easier said than done but claim your victories and know that you are changing, evolving, becoming even more wonderful and this poor man is unkind to his core, which isn't likely to change anytime soon.  Shake it off and stand tall girl! :) <<hugs>>

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2 hours ago, CurvyMermaid said:

Thanks for the insight BB, eager to try. :)

It works. A form of purposeful mindfulness. Hope it reduces any suffering you may have. 

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