Susanvmallory

Do I stop cooking for the husband now? His eating makes me angry.

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At our first discussion regarding WLS my spouse was quick to say, what about the elliptical you were wanting to get, you’ve been losing weight here lately. I quickly explained to him that I have been battling  with the Numbers on the scale for eight years and asked if he could recall when we were dating and  I was a size 4 and I am now a size 16 to 18. I explained to him how depressed I am and how I don’t feel attractive and it is the main reason why our intimacy has become less and less over the years. My spouse goes on to jokingly explain that being intimate can burn a lot of calories. This absolutely infuriated me. Maybe I’m being sensitive but I felt like he was mocking me when I felt like  was being honest and expressing my raw emotion. If he could only understand how disgusted I get when I look in the mirror especially because for so many years I was very thin but once I hit 36 it all changed  and I started packing on the weight. My husband is 5 foot 10 and literally eats about 5000 calories in his once daily meal. This is not an exaggeration my brother Thomas who went through weight-loss surgery and is also a member on this site can vouch for me. My hubby is a thin fat man with a metabolism like I have never seen before in my life. I really hope by taking him to the weight-loss seminar will help him to really understand the importance of my decision and the need for his his support during this process. I feel like if he’s going to expect me to cook him dinner he’s out of his mind because it can’t  happen The children are mainly grown and out of the house except for one who is pretty self-sufficient.  I don’t believe it would be in my best interest to continue to have to cook him his dinner and sit with him while he eats 3 pounds of chili or 5 pounds of cottage pie! I don’t know how to tell him that I won’t be cooking for him once I have surgery! Ugh....maybe I should stop cooking for him after we attend the seminar. I know how angry I get sometimes because he can eat so much food in one sitting and never gain weight. If I think I’m being hateful then maybe I am but honestly should I stop cooking for him or continue to cook for him while explaining that I cannot sit at the dinner table with him while he eats. I literally spend hours  preparing his meal then I sit at the dinner table and eat a salad or a plate of vegetables and am completely disgusted by the amount he eats because I guess I’m jealous. 

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Hi Susan.  I definitely think your hubby should come with you to the weight-loss seminar.  It will be informative for both of you.  The hubby needs to know that you don't like yourself how you are now, and that you want to get healthy to live a long life with him.  The sex comment sounds like something my hubby would say.  But maybe your hubby is happy with you just the way you are.  That is why it's important that he learn that the weight will be a hindrance to you having an enjoyable life free of many bad conditions/pain. 

Bottom line is this surgery is about You taking control of your weight.  Whether or not you cook for him is your decision.  I'm sure it is frustrating seeing his metabolism and ability to eat so much.  Don't hold that against him.  Look for the good things in him when you are tempted to get angry and focus on his eating habits.  I apologize if it seems that I am being trite.  He has a lot of learning to do about your pending decision.  Hopefully he will see how important this is to you, and stand behind you in every way cheering you on.  We are here for you, and will be here to support you on this journey<3

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Our partners/spouses/children/etc often face some changes they're not happy with and didn't decide on when we make the big decision to do WLS. They might feel resentful if they don't understand how important it is to us. Taking your husband to the seminar seems like a good place to start in helping him to understand that you're serious about it, and also that you're serious about how your weight makes you feel. He probably has no idea what it's like to feel so awful and out of control. 

As for cooking, I think it sounds pretty unreasonable for you to have been spending hours/years cooking and feeling resentful while he eats the food you've worked on and you eat a salad. I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, of course, but it sounds like a pretty unhealthy track to be on. I personally used to love cooking but loathe it now, so I rarely cook. Who knows how you'll feel about it post-op, but it's probably a good idea to lay the foundations for him doing some cooking for himself or learning to love what you'll be cooking for yourself post-op (and not much of anything for the first few months!). I think it might be hard not to mix together the many factors that might influence your cooking duties in the near future: the history of resentment in the cooking, the "I'm on a liquid diet and cooking you dinner will drive me insane so I'm not going to do it" and the "I can't physically do it because I'm recovering" factors. It's probably best if you try to work on those factors separately, though, and not load the historical resentment on top of the "I won't" and "I can't" factors. Maybe just focus on the practicalities of pre-op diet and post-op diet... 

It sounds like you've got a lot of talking with your husband to do :) I hope it goes well.

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This is a difficult one Susan but rather than pull the plug and refuse to cook for your husband, you can compromise.

Fortunately, I have always enjoyed cooking and baking and that didn't change after my WLS.  The only concession once I had my WLS was that I would not fry anything (other than an egg).

Foods like chili and cottage/shepherds pie (drained of fat and minus the mashed potatoes) fit in very well with a bariatric diet and those recipes lend themselves well to cooking in bulk and freezing in batches which'll save you a lot of kitchen time.

 

 

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Sue, you know Chad will support whatever you decide to do and he will be a cheerleader for you. The man loves you unconditionally. I know this, I saw it for the 5 years I lived with you guys and as I went through my surgery. Chad eats. A lot. It's kind of his thing. I do not believe you should stop cooking. I love to cook and continued to do so even as I lost all that weight. Explain to him that you may need some help with the journey and he will be there 100%. I believe this wholeheartedly. Besides, if he has to eat out everyday you guys will be destitute in a week..lol. Cheer up kid, get your emotions in line with your decision. Proceed like a warrior. You got this.

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I agree, don't stop cooking for him, he will certainly resent that. There are a lot of people here that still cook and enjoy it. I always want to head to @BurgundyBoy's house for dinner for the yummy things he enjoys cooking still. I thought having the surgery meant walking out of the kitchen forever, but it doesn't have to :). When I am cooking though, I can't snack on he food I'm cooking so I cook with gum in my mouth and try to smell the food to judge it rather than taste it. You'll figure it out....just keep your husband in the loop of what you need and what is difficult for you. 

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We each need to deal with our wls decisions individually on what will work for us.  I love to cook and still cook for dear hubby.  I often pull my protein out after it’s cooked before I add pasta, sauces, whatever.  Or I cook my protein on the side.  

Heres where it changed- I eat, take care of my plate and leVe the table so I’m not tempted to graze.  At first he didn’t like it.  But we have a pub table in the living room, so most times if it’s just the two of us, we eat there.  I retire to a chair and we can still talk.  Summertime if we eat on the deck, i eat, then I take my plate inside.  Come back out and I read or we talk while he finishes.  

For a while, I was extremely aware of the large quantities people eat, especially when eating out, but now I’m more in tune with people watching.  Are you going to quit going out?  For me, it’s more about socializing now.  For a while it will seem that every commercial on tv is about food, are you going to quit watching tv?  

Just because we choose to have wls doesn’t mean everyone else is forced into our diets and restrictions.  

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Hi Susan! 

There's a very real chance that after surgery you will be kind of disgusted by some foods you used to cook - and if that happens, your husband should definitely take over the cooking of those foods.  Teaching someone to cook and spending time with them while they do it can also be pretty bonding, so if you can't or don't want to cook these things for him anymore, you should say so and help him learn to be self-sufficient.

But I'm different from some people here, in that my tastes didn't really change after surgery - I still like to eat most of the stuff I used to like to eat.  But the difference is I don't want or need the QUANTITY of food I used to.So if you find that like me, you still enjoy some of the foods you cook for him, it may be fine for you to keep cooking them. 

Surgery changes a lot about the way you feel about food.  Right now, pre-surgery, you're still fighting a lot of the hormones that make you WANT to eat - and you resent your husband because he can do it and you can't.  AFTER surgery, things change in your body and your brain.  I can make a giant pot of chili and eat two ounces of it and be satisfied - partly because at that point I feel full and partly because I don't have the hormone-fueled hunger pushing me to eat more.  I can do that while my room mate scarfs down a bowl of chili the size of my head, and all I feel is a bit amazed at how much food she's eating - I don't feel jealous or resentful, because I honestly don't want that much anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't a decision to make before surgery - because you may feel completely different after surgery.  I do think you should talk this over with your husband and tell him what you're feeling, and tell him that it may be impossible for you to cook for him like you used to - he should know it's a possibility!  But you may find that it's not the big problem that it feels like right now -- because surgery changes you in ways you aren't fully able to predict.

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Hello Susan :)

I recently underwent the gastric sleeve surgery (12/20/18), and I had the same concerns in regards to cooking. After talking with my husband about it, we came to several conclusions:

 

- For the first two weeks, he was on his own for food. I bought him frozen dinners and if he wanted junk food, don’t eat it at home.

- post that 2 week period, I’d do the cooking, since my taste buds changed drastically. If he didn’t like what I cooked, he could cook something for himself

Now, him and I eat the same things for protein, and I do the majority of the cooking. To compensate for my dietary needs, I simply make a carb and a vegetable side dish for him, and give him double or triple my protein portion size. Watching him eat way more than me (and more often than I could) was irksome initially, but after awhile, it didn’t bother me anymore. His life, his weight, his heart (he has high blood pressure). 

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On 2/24/2018 at 5:08 AM, Jen581791 said:

Our partners/spouses/children/etc often face some changes they're not happy with and didn't decide on when we make the big decision to do WLS.

Yes to this. We decide to have the surgery and to an extent, those we live with are along for the ride. For me, anger was a reason for me to overeat and make bad food choices. So, if I were in your position, I would try to minimize the amount of anger I was feeling. With that goal in mind, I would tell my husband - head's up, I'm struggling at the moment with cooking for you and watching you eat so I'm going to take a cooking break for a week. This will give you a bit of a break from all the cooking and it will give him the opportunity to see what it is like when you aren't cooking for him. You don't have to decide today if you are going to cook for him post-op or not. 

 

Before surgery I told my husband we wouldn't be eating out as often and I asked him to keep the junk foods I like either hidden in his home office, his car or to not bring them in the house. He agreed so I felt like he got it. Then, I nearly killed him one night when I was recently post-op. I woke to the smell of cinnamon toast. Not much smells better than toasted bread with melted butter, cinnamon and sugar. I was instantly enraged, hobbled into the kitchen and said something like, "Why don't you just open a Cinnabon in here?!" followed by a long list of my favorite swear words. :) We still laugh about that one.

 

Pre and post-op I regularly reminded myself I'd never been through this before. Neither had my husband. We were both going to have challenges with this new life I was hoping to create. At some point we decided to set aside a specific time everyday to talk about anything related to my WLS. This was born out of necessity because when I was newly post-op it was all I wanted to talk about. And, it created a safe space for us to say whatever we wanted to say about it with the benefit of me, the hotheaded one, not popping off when I was angry in the moment. I think we had a 10 or 15 minute time limit to the conversation and if one of us wanted to go past that, we both had to agree. If not, whatever wasn't covered was held until the next day at our designated time. 

 

Sadly, 'bedroom exercise' doesn't burn as many calories as we'd all like to think. But, from what I've gathered from being on this site for 5+ years many people get their groove back post-op. Or, find a level a groove they'd never known before. :) (Maybe tell your husband this tidbit right after you tell him no cooking for a week.)

 

P.S. I'm calling dibs on your husband's metabolism in my next life!

 

 

 

 

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@Stephtay thank you! I truly enjoyed reading your reply so much. Awesome,  it make me think, it made me laugh and it made me blush. I appreciate everyone’s advice so much. 

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14 hours ago, Susanvmallory said:

@Stephtay thank you! I truly enjoyed reading your reply so much. Awesome,  it make me think, it made me laugh and it made me blush. I appreciate everyone’s advice so much. 

Hi Susan, away from the Forum for a couple of days, so just backtracking and seeing where this went. Seems like a lot of people after surgery resent everyone else's appetites after surgery, in a kind of mourning for the pleasure of some simple but caloric tidbit, or sometimes suffering not being able to partake in take-no-prisoner gluttony; but that usually fades over time... after a while you just couldn't care less about what OTHER people eat. I think it was @Carina (who had a bypass about the time I had my sleeve) who was at risk of gutting her insensitive lout of a husband with a kitchen knife. (Had she done so, I'm sure he would have fully deserved it).

 I regretted not being able to eat a rack of ribs at one go, but can't remember the last time I thought about that. 

There is another analogy to the thoughtless family member who eats pizza, pasta, and greasy burgers after your surgery: your friends who order a gazillion things when you go out to eat together, you know the people who order 4 full courses while you eat your Perfect Cup of Soup and then the Tiny but Exquisite Salad - and then they expect you to just split the bill with them.  When in that position, then I just eat raw oysters and order foie gras and a good glass of champagne - less volume, high quality and pleasure. ;)

Hope you haven't had to kill your husband quite yet. 

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On 27-2-2018 at 7:24 PM, BurgundyBoy said:

 I think it was @Carina (who had a bypass about the time I had my sleeve) who was at risk of gutting her insensitive lout of a husband with a kitchen knife. (Had she done so, I'm sure he would have fully deserved it).

 I totally appreciate your unreserved faith in my judgment! A lout my husband is not, though, so I'm afraid some one else's IS. Sorry to hear it!

Just my two cents: I'm now flabbergasted by how MUCH people eat and how FAST they eat it. Just mind-boggling. (And anyone who knows me a little knows I'm definitely not Little Miss Perfect.) The food itself doesn't bother me much, though.

 

Edited by Carina

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@Carina My characterization of your husband was tongue in cheek, of course, but not my opinion of your excellent judgement!

I'm like you - kind of amazed to watch people tuck into eating twice as much as their head .... I struggled to eat the equivalent of a can of beans and a chicken thigh last night! :wacko:

 

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It is hard planning, shopping, preparing, cooking and storing food for other people's metabolic needs!  On one hand they do rely on you, but ya gotta take care of yourself. I have one more teenager in the house. My extended family is going to fed him a while and I was planning to put him on a 1 to two week simple menu rotation and use Wal-Mart's grocery pick up. I think I can find a good groove if I am not having to do unplanned cooking and I don't have to create a meal plan. Fortunately he could get by on a few things at home and go out to eat for variety.

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