Jen581791

How did you know when to stop?

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So, strange sounding question unless you’ve been here where I am. Unreal sounding question from the perspective of someone starting the process :o

For those of you who’ve gotten to GW, was there something that helped you know when you got to that point? An aha moment? A physical feeling? Something about how you looked? Comments from well-meaning people? I’m getting there I think, but I don’t know if I’ll know when I do... How did you make yourself decide? 

Before I start, this is very much not humble-bragging - I’m actually worried about this. 

I’m at a healthy weight for my height (138, 5’8”). I  look good in clothes. I feel comfortable exercising and moving around. Parts of me are starting to feel a little boney, but other parts could maybe still lose a bit more. I feel better now than 10 pounds ago, so I’m glad I didn’t stop then. However, I don’t want to get to a place where my thinking/eating/exercise is disordered. Due to body dysmorphia I can’t really trust my eyes <_< I obviously don’t NEED to lose more, but I worry a bit about a bounce back, and also wonder if I’ll look/feel better if I lose a bit more. Athletic stuff is easier if I’m lighter (hiking, running). I’m not *skinny* but I’m skinny *for me*, if that makes sense. I’m sure there’s some vanity involved, as well as a whole life lived in a world where thin is highly valued and where I’ve basically been either on a diet or gaining weight since I was 10 or 11. 

Any words of wisdom from people in maintenance are most welcome.

 

Edited by Jen581791

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I have really wondered the same thing at times but I'm pretty sure that I'm there at least for now. A couple of people I trust with my life have expressed concerns suggesting I'm not looking "healthy" anymore. The truth is I'm not healthy at present either. I've had a couple of nasty infections that my body has struggled to fight despite being very religious about my supplements. My body seems to be reacting poorly to medications and is hyper sensitive at the moment. I have my 9 month checkup with my surgeon in 3 weeks so I'll be having a serious discussion with him about this. I want my body to have some reserves to fight off illness.

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Thanks for your insight @Aussie H. Sounds like you’ve got some people watching out for you. I hope your chat with the doctor is productive - I wonder how many 9 month check ups involve “Hey, I think you’re done!” I suspect not many :)  Good for you!

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6 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

So, strange sounding question unless you’ve been here where I am. Unreal sounding question from the perspective of someone starting the process :o

For those of you who’ve gotten to GW, was there something that helped you know when you got to that point? An aha moment? A physical feeling? Something about how you looked? Comments from well-meaning people? I’m getting there I think, but I don’t know if I’ll know when I do... How did you make yourself decide? 

Before I start, this is very much not humble-bragging - I’m actually worried about this. 

I’m at a healthy weight for my height (138, 5’8”). I  look good in clothes. I feel comfortable exercising and moving around. Parts of me are starting to feel a little boney, but other parts could maybe still lose a bit more. I feel better now than 10 pounds ago, so I’m glad I didn’t stop then. However, I don’t want to get to a place where my thinking/eating/exercise is disordered. Due to body dysmorphia I can’t really trust my eyes <_< I obviously don’t NEED to lose more, but I worry a bit about a bounce back, and also wonder if I’ll look/feel better if I lose a bit more. Athletic stuff is easier if I’m lighter (hiking, running). I’m not *skinny* but I’m skinny *for me*, if that makes sense. I’m sure there’s some vanity involved, as well as a whole life lived in a world where thin is highly valued and where I’ve basically been either on a diet or gaining weight since I was 10 or 11. 

Any words of wisdom from people in maintenance are most welcome.

 

Ack, you would ask for wisdom!!

I've pretty much been at this same weight for 3 months so I guess I am at maintenance, and am still above the goal I set last spring (without any real knowledge of "what" my goal should be). My BMI is just about 27 or a bit below. My wife says I am eating "a normal amount" and I'm often not tracking my intake too closely as it never feels like a burden. Do my protein-rich morning and mid-day meal, and am careful to avoid too many carbs with dinner... and not having any significant problems staying here. So I guess my only input is that I am maintaining weight without anything that feels like an effort. It just feels "reasonable" on a daily basis. 

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1 hour ago, BurgundyBoy said:

Ack, you would ask for wisdom!!

I've pretty much been at this same weight for 3 months so I guess I am at maintenance, and am still above the goal I set last spring (without any real knowledge of "what" my goal should be). My BMI is just about 27 or a bit below. My wife says I am eating "a normal amount" and I'm often not tracking my intake too closely as it never feels like a burden. Do my protein-rich morning and mid-day meal, and am careful to avoid too many carbs with dinner... and not having any significant problems staying here. So I guess my only input is that I am maintaining weight without anything that feels like an effort. It just feels "reasonable" on a daily basis. 

Thanks, BB. The comfort of being able to maintain without having to work at it sounds pretty optimal. I think that should be a big part of the decision. I’ve gotten so weirdly used to eating such small amounts that eating “a normal amount” sounds hard!! :lol: I suppose that will change when the honeymoon is over. Relaxing my iron grip on the tracking will be its own battle. So many mental battles in my future...

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8 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

Thanks for your insight @Aussie H. Sounds like you’ve got some people watching out for you. I hope your chat with the doctor is productive - I wonder how many 9 month check ups involve “Hey, I think you’re done!” I suspect not many :)  Good for you!

To be fair, not many people have surgery with a BMI sitting just around 30 either. The level of weightloss that I could have achieved has always been touted as far more than they wanted me to achieve. Not that I ever believed some of the figures I was given as to what was possible. My surgeon claims that unless you deliberately sabotage yourself then weight gain is impossible in the first 12 months (even up to 18 months depending on your honeymoon period). For those of us that had our surgeries in 2017, the real test is still ahead of us when for most hunger kicks back in and we drop our defences somewhat.

Your one year sugiversary is so close now Jen. Given how you've tackled the last year, I'm sure you'll manage this next phase of your life just as well.

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Thanks for posting this question Jen.  We are the same height.  I am currently at 157 (160 finally broke).  My BMI is 23.9.  I think each body style is so different.  I'm really not sure I could go another 20 without it being too thin for me (looks wise).  But I struggle too knowing where the "sweet spot" should be weight wise.

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5 hours ago, TammyP said:

Thanks for posting this question Jen.  We are the same height.  I am currently at 157 (160 finally broke).  My BMI is 23.9.  I think each body style is so different.  I'm really not sure I could go another 20 without it being too thin for me (looks wise).  But I struggle too knowing where the "sweet spot" should be weight wise.

Yes, bodies are absolutely different - it's really strange to see how people can look so different at the same weight or so similar at such different weights! I sometimes look at this website to help me remember that: http://www.mybodygallery.com/index.html#.WnkrhZP1UWp It's got real pictures of women with info on their heights and weights and sizes so you can sort by those and get an idea of what you might look like at any particular weight. I find I look heavier at my weight than most on the site, but that may have to do with skin at this point...

I hope we can both find that sweet spot. It all seems very mysterious after a lifetime of trying so hard to LOSE.

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I got bold today at work and asked a younger gal who is taller how tall she is and what she weighs lol.  She wasn't the least bit offended, as she knows I have dropped some significant weight.  Honestly, she looks good so I wanted a comparison.  She is 5'9" tall and her goal was 150.  She is in the upper 140s now - so I don't think we are too far off the mark @Jen581791 ! :)

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At my lowest I was 159 and that was too thin for me. I lost my hour glass shape and I didn't like how my face looked. My sweet spot is 172 - 177. Anything over 177 and my favorite pants don't fit quite right. 

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For me, I rely on brutally honest friends and family who have my best interest at heart. I like being thinner than I (apparently) look my best at. The consensus is that I look healthiest and “normal” at about 135 (which is where I am now). At this size, I wear a size 2 comfortably and I still have curves (I’m naturally an hourglass when thin). I feel like I look better at about 123-127 (which makes me a size 0 with 34C and basically no butt), but I also recognize that my perception is skewed. Between living in Southern California for most of my life and my body dysmorphia, my idea of what’s attractive and ideal is all f*cked up, so I don’t totally trust my own judgment. So, not really any easy, pat answers. Sorry. :/

Edited by athenarose

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@athenarose @Jen581791 both mentioned body dysmorphia. I liked the way I looked at 159 when I looked in the mirror. But, it was in pictures that I saw I was too thin. I can't always trust what I see in the mirror. But I can always trust pictures. 

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5 hours ago, Stephtay said:

At my lowest I was 159 and that was too thin for me. I lost my hour glass shape and I didn't like how my face looked. My sweet spot is 172 - 177. Anything over 177 and my favorite pants don't fit quite right. 

You're really one of the people I think of when I think about how people's bodies vary so much at different weights! You look great at the weight you're at. 

So for you, it was something about how your face looked? That seems like something to look for. My face is getting pretty thin... I think too thin might, um, accentuate my age <_<

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4 hours ago, athenarose said:

For me, I rely on brutally honest friends and family who have my best interest at heart. I like being thinner than I (apparently) look my best at. The consensus is that I look healthiest and “normal” at about 135 (which is where I am now). At this size, I wear a size 2 comfortably and I still have curves (I’m naturally an hourglass when thin). I feel like I look better at about 123-127 (which makes me a size 0 with 34C and basically no butt), but I also recognize that my perception is skewed. Between living in Southern California for most of my life and my body dysmorphia, my idea of what’s attractive and ideal is all f*cked up, so I don’t totally trust my own judgment. So, not really any easy, pat answers. Sorry. :/

No *easy* answer, but a good answer, nonetheless. I think the dysmorphia may make me want to be thinner than I should be, as well. I think relying on the brutally honest friends is probably a good strategy. Since I've just moved to a new country, I really only have my husband around to count on. He's pretty honest, but he's 1) a guy, and 2) only one data point! People in my new location have started to comment on my losses (as well they should, I've lost 50 pounds since I've been here...), but it's all been positive. But then, I don't know any of them very well. I need to get some brutally honest new friends. 

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Could you skype with brutally honest friends back home? It can be hard to find friends willing to be brutally honest within a year of meeting them! 

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1 hour ago, CurvyMermaid said:

Could you skype with brutally honest friends back home? It can be hard to find friends willing to be brutally honest within a year of meeting them! 

Actually, for me, I’ve found the newer friends tend to be more helpful in this regard than older friends. Because they don’t have the “default” of fat me in their mind, they’re more useful as a gauge. Someone who’s only known me as a size 4 or smaller can see the shift of just 10 or 20 lbs much more clearly than someone who knew me when I was twice my current size, if that makes sense. My dad aside, almost all the people who’ve known me when I was bigger saw me as “at a good weight” about 30 lbs ago. Also, I’ve found guys are way more helpful in the blunt friends category than women. Women tend to have their own hang ups and there’s sometimes other dynamics that start to factor in, but my guy friends will, upon asking, plainly say, “yeah Rach, you don’t need to lose anymore” or “you look good now, but you looked better about ten pounds ago. Either go build some muscle or eat some carbs.” Also, this kind of sounds awful, but finding people who are kind of superficial, not in a snotty way, but who put an emphasis on physical appearance in a pragmatic way are good choices. People really into fitness or (weirdly) people who are really successful at marketing/sales seem to have this quality. In my experience, they have this objective way of seeing physical appearance that fits this need nicely. There’s no malice, just a true objective observation about where the tipping point from attractive to sickly, or too skinny is. Or maybe those are just the patterns I’ve happened to notice in my own life. Just my observations and random musings at 5am...lol.

Edited by athenarose

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3 hours ago, CurvyMermaid said:

It can be hard to find friends willing to be brutally honest within a year of meeting them! 

I think it's probably easier to find people who are willing to be brutally honest than people I'm willing to trust about their brutally honest opinions! :lol: I do have some old friends I see sometimes in the next country over, so I may need to enlist their help. They'll certainly be willing to be brutally honest ;) (I think). I may need to ask some really direct questions next time I see them (in a few weeks). 

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1 hour ago, athenarose said:

I’ve found the newer friends tend to be more helpful in this regard than older friends

I can totally understand this. It's maybe more helpful to hear from someone who's not comparing you to *old you* but just to you a little heavier or a little lighter. 

1 hour ago, athenarose said:

I’ve found guys are way more helpful in the blunt friends category than women

Good point. I think I may agree with this, too. Men are more apt to look at "the whole package" rather than zoom in on "problem areas" as well - I've seen some studies on that. 

1 hour ago, athenarose said:

finding people who are kind of superficial, not in a snotty way, but who put an emphasis on physical appearance in a pragmatic way are good choices. People really into fitness or (weirdly) people who are really successful at marketing/sales seem to have this quality.

Yes, I pretty much want someone who's not looking for my "inner beauty" :lol: Just the cold hard facts. Some people are better at that than others, for sure!

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13 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

You're really one of the people I think of when I think about how people's bodies vary so much at different weights! You look great at the weight you're at. 

So for you, it was something about how your face looked? That seems like something to look for. My face is getting pretty thin... I think too thin might, um, accentuate my age <_<

Wow, thank you! 

Yes, when I was at my lowest my face was too thin and it make me look older. I'm 48 and I'm fine looking my age but I didn't want to add years. After I put a few pounds back on my husband and my best friend both told me my face looked better. 

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Regarding asking others for their opinions. I think it depends on their idea of what is attractive. Personally, I don't think skinny is attractive on anyone - women or men. I think people look better 10 pounds over weight than 10 pounds under. When I want someone to be honest with me, I tell them, "don't tell me what you think I want to hear, tell me what you think." That usually works!

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4 hours ago, athenarose said:

Actually, for me, I’ve found the newer friends tend to be more helpful in this regard than older friends. Because they don’t have the “default” of fat me in their mind, they’re more useful as a gauge. 

This is true for me as well. My old friends think I am skinny and will say I am skinny. I'm not by about 30 pounds! My new friends think I am normal.

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On 2/7/2018 at 4:22 AM, Stephtay said:

@athenarose @Jen581791 both mentioned body dysmorphia. I liked the way I looked at 159 when I looked in the mirror. But, it was in pictures that I saw I was too thin. I can't always trust what I see in the mirror. But I can always trust pictures. 

OK! Great advice!! I had my husband take some pictures of me in a couple of different outfits. Yeah, I think I need to stop :lol:

I'm officially done :) 

Thanks, @Stephtay - I may look to some friends for fine-tuning advice (do I need to gain 5 pounds?), but from the photos it's clear that I really don't need to lose any more. I haven't done any full-body photos in the last month, and the ones before that were in my workout clothes (for the monthly before and afters) so I guess it was harder for me to tell, but these photos in my regular clothes? Yup, done. I'll post the photos with my one year surgiversary post later this week (keeping you hanging). 

Mission accomplished. Thanks to everyone for pitching in with their wise words. I have figured out when to stop. Now to up my daily intake...

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@Jen581791 I’m not sure I know the answer to your question as we are in the same boat. I’ve decided to stop losing at my current weight of 135-138. My rational brain knows that this is a healthy weight and losing more pounds would put me in a too thin range.  

I’m not going to lie, I’d love to be thinner. My desire to be thinner isn’t for health but rather for the sake of vanity and to feed my body dysmorphia. I’ve had a few fat days, where my loose skin is triggering memories of moving my fat belly around. I have to remind myself that this issue is cosmetic, rather than a real health concern. 

My new doctor informed me that my weight is perfect and I am healthy. Rather than focus on losing weight, I’m trying to put my energy behind getting fit and raising my calorie intake. At this stage in my WL journey, my focus is now on keeping myself mentally healthy and maintaining a stable weight. 

Again, I have zero answers but a cart of rambling thoughts. 

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5 hours ago, NerdyToothpick said:

@Jen581791 I’m not sure I know the answer to your question as we are in the same boat. I’ve decided to stop losing at my current weight of 135-138. My rational brain knows that this is a healthy weight and losing more pounds would put me in a too thin range.  

I’m not going to lie, I’d love to be thinner. My desire to be thinner isn’t for health but rather for the sake of vanity and to feed my body dysmorphia. I’ve had a few fat days, where my loose skin is triggering memories of moving my fat belly around. I have to remind myself that this issue is cosmetic, rather than a real health concern. 

My new doctor informed me that my weight is perfect and I am healthy. Rather than focus on losing weight, I’m trying to put my energy behind getting fit and raising my calorie intake. At this stage in my WL journey, my focus is now on keeping myself mentally healthy and maintaining a stable weight. 

Again, I have zero answers but a cart of rambling thoughts. 

You sound like you're having a lot of the same thought processes going through your brain as mine. I look in the mirror and I look fat. Then I remember that by ANYONE's definition, I am most certainly not fat. Then I look at my thighs when I'm sitting down and I think they look fat. Then I remember that they fit in size 4 pants. It's a whirlwind of crazy. I'm focusing hard on upping my calories and getting fit, as you say, and I think that's the best answer for now. My husband has informed me that perhaps I could stand to gain a few pounds back - I look like I might break :blink: Any further losses would just be operating on our societal principle that women can never really be too thin... whereas I think I'm actually at a good place now, 135-138, like you. 

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13 minutes ago, Jen581791 said:

You sound like you're having a lot of the same thought processes going through your brain as mine. I look in the mirror and I look fat. Then I remember that by ANYONE's definition, I am most certainly not fat. Then I look at my thighs when I'm sitting down and I think they look fat. Then I remember that they fit in size 4 pants. It's a whirlwind of crazy. I'm focusing hard on upping my calories and getting fit, as you say, and I think that's the best answer for now. My husband has informed me that perhaps I could stand to gain a few pounds back - I look like I might break :blink: Any further losses would just be operating on our societal principle that women can never really be too thin... whereas I think I'm actually at a good place now, 135-138, like you. 

I would love to be sitting where you and @NerdyToothpick are right now. I've thought for the past few months that another 6-7 kg more would be a better place to be. The last 6 kg has taken that many months to get off!!! I know that exercise is going to be crucial to get there, even if just to increase metabolism. In my case it isn't just me seeing fat on me...I've also now had many health personnel calling me "skinny fat", this despite them knowing I've been on an exercise ban. These are people who've seen me lose weight, new ones I come into contact with never even mention weight to me, which seems really odd. I don't believe they realise just how demeaning using the "fat" word can be even if they do preface it with the "skinny" adjective. There are days when I feel like I just can't win against the fat shamers!!!! I haven't actually touched base with my surgeon in almost 6 months but am due to see him in a couple of weeks. I have seen another surgeon though, who said I was "perfect". I do have a few years on you two though. I'll be really devastated if my surgeon decides to have a go as well. I don't think it's something he would do, but I'm very sensitive about it now.

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