ktallon

What can i do

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Lets talk honestly for a minute. I have been so depressed and can't seem to get myself out of a funk.  All i do is sleep anymore. I'm with out a job and no one will hire me because all they see is I'm a liability because of the feeding tube and now im on another picc line. Nothing in my life seems to be going right. I also feel like a failure as a mother because of everything that is going on. I know i probably need a med adjustment but due to losing my anthem (now on Medicaid) my current psych will only see me if i can pay out of pocket. I have not yet found a dr taking medicaid. I do however have an appointment with my therapist later this week. Its gotten to a point however i am ready for it just to all end. One of those i wish i would go to sleep and never wake up. My son is the only reason I'm still here. I don't know what to do. 

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15 hours ago, ktallon said:

Lets talk honestly for a minute. I have been so depressed and can't seem to get myself out of a funk.  All i do is sleep anymore. I'm with out a job and no one will hire me because all they see is I'm a liability because of the feeding tube and now im on another picc line. Nothing in my life seems to be going right. I also feel like a failure as a mother because of everything that is going on. I know i probably need a med adjustment but due to losing my anthem (now on Medicaid) my current psych will only see me if i can pay out of pocket. I have not yet found a dr taking medicaid. I do however have an appointment with my therapist later this week. Its gotten to a point however i am ready for it just to all end. One of those i wish i would go to sleep and never wake up. My son is the only reason I'm still here. I don't know what to do. 

I feel so badly for you, @ktallon, I can imagine life is so overwhelming.  I can't help but think you shouldn't be alone....Is there anyway you can go home and move in w/ your mom or someone until this gets straightened out?  It is too much to handle on your own and you need help w/ your son while you are working on getting help.  

Edited by CheeringCJ

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You are going through a lot. Did you ever meet with a social worker to find out about services? I'm wondering if they could get you on disability or some other program. I agree with CJ. When you hit a low like this, it's time to lean on the support of loved ones. You and your son need extra help and support right now. If that means moving, I say go for it. Why stay put? No job or housing is holding you back from moving. Who knows?Maybe the doctor who can solve all this is in your destination city. Those who love you would much rather be given the opportunity to help you than lose you. Hugs.

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@ktallon, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that there are people out there who care for you and hope you're doing OK. And your son is counting on you. It sounds like you could really use some help getting through this - @CheeringCJ and @Gretta made really good points about trying to lean on your family a bit, and checking into what a social worker would have to say about how best to get some help. You've been keeping your head above water all by yourself, but it might be best to try to find someone to help you do that. My heart goes out to you.

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13 hours ago, ktallon said:

Lets talk honestly for a minute. I have been so depressed and can't seem to get myself out of a funk.  All i do is sleep anymore. I'm with out a job and no one will hire me because all they see is I'm a liability because of the feeding tube and now im on another picc line. Nothing in my life seems to be going right. I also feel like a failure as a mother because of everything that is going on. I know i probably need a med adjustment but due to losing my anthem (now on Medicaid) my current psych will only see me if i can pay out of pocket. I have not yet found a dr taking medicaid. I do however have an appointment with my therapist later this week. Its gotten to a point however i am ready for it just to all end. One of those i wish i would go to sleep and never wake up. My son is the only reason I'm still here. I don't know what to do. 

I agree with the above posters...it is time to get some help from loved ones, even if that means moving.  I know it is overwhelming, and sinking into depression gives you even less energy to make those kind of decisions.  But, your son needs his Mom.  You know this.  You are in an emotionally dangerous place right now, please reach out and get some help.  We all support you here but are limited in what we can do to help you.  Please reach out to someone who can actually help you. You are worthy and deserve for things to get better for your own sake as well as your son's.

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You want honest talk? Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do and will not help you or your son. In fact, it will screw him up for life. No happy, well adjusted person ever muttered the statement; "That was the year my Mom killed herself."

 

There is a solution to all this that does not require you being dead. It requires you to not give up and explore options. Do it for yourself and for your son.

 

Talk to a friend, and I don't mean online, I mean in person or on the phone.

 

Best of luck to you.

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@ktallon - I know it may not seem like it, but being on Medicaid is not actually a bad thing for you right now.  More than commercial insurers like Anthem, the care managers in Medicaid program are plugged in to exactly the kind of core services you need most right now.  I work in Medicaid in MA, so I know what I'm talking about here.  Ohio may do some things differently, but the core Medicaid package is regulated federally, so it should be mostly the same.

This is the number for the Ohio Department of Medicaid:  (800) 324-8680.  Just in case you don't already have it.  Call them, and explain your situation.  They should be able to get you a care manager/case worker.  There's a big push in the Medicaid field lately to provide integrated care for the whole person - it's not just about getting to the doctor now.  Medicaid offices have social care managers/case workers as well as medical ones.  Let them know that you're facing job loss and possible homelessness, and that you have a young child and complicated medical and behavioral health issues.  This is extremely important, as that is what they need to know to connect you to the services you need. 

And please don't be put off by "behavioral health issues" - that is just the new politically correct way of saying you're depressed, on meds for it, and need to see a psych doc to monitor the meds and get therapy/counseling.  Personally I think it sounds worse than "mental health issues" because it implies there's something wrong with your behavior, when that is just not the case.  You're coping as best you can in a terrible situation - you just need help getting the free services you're actually entitled to as part of your Medicaid coverage. 

For you, a care manager/case worker is going to be important, because you have a lot going on.  The job of a care manager is to help be your point person for the things Medicaid covers.  This includes appointments with a therapist, with a PCP, with specialists, etc.  They check in on you, and keep track of what's going on in your life as well as what's going on with your health.  Their role is to connect you to services - either the services the state provides, or the free services you can get from nonprofit community organizations that exist to help people in precarious situations.

I also have to echo everyone above - if you have family you would feel safe with, now is the time to reach out to them.  Don't let pride keep you silent or keep you from asking for help. Remember that it's not just for you - it's also for your son. 

We are all thinking about you and wishing you the best.  But it sounds to me like you need some real life intervention right now.  Please don't be afraid to show people you need help!!!

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While I agree with your opinion @TP1210, I can guarantee you it's not helpful in this situation.

@ktallon, I often think about you and wonder how you're coping.  I've been where you are mentally, and believe me I know how hard it can be. I'm glad to hear you're only at the wishing to go to sleep and not wake up stage, because it does give hope. You still realise that you have a reason to not plan your end....and that is a strong focus to hold. Please take the excellent advice offered by @Kio  and make that call. I know from experience that what you need most right now is a very strong, understanding medical (and allied health) team managing your multiple issues. They make all the difference. I don't know how your family dynamics are, but I certainly found that family involvement only compounded my issues, which incidentally also came to a head after my original WLS. Life does go on, and can be very satisfying after an experience like you're going through. It is never the best option to give in to the kind of feelings you're currently experiencing, but you do need intervention right now.

Know that we all care very deeply for you,  and many of us feel your pain. I'm sure I wouldn't be the only person that looks to your situation when things aren't going to plan, and draws strength from how you've been handling yourself through trials most of us couldn't even imagine. You are one very strong woman, and at the moment you just need to dig that little bit deeper within yourself until you can access the help you need. Once you have that, you should be able to let those people (whoever they might be), take some of the load off you for awhile. Take care sweet lady, and let your son be the light in your life. Things can improve.

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1 hour ago, Aussie H said:

While I agree with your opinion @TP1210, I can guarantee you it's not helpful in this situation.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree here.

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@ktallon hey there hun, first of all I am sending you hugs darlin. I have had my share of depression with suicidal tendencies in the past, and will struggle with it for the rest of my life. People who say suicide is a selfish act, do not understand what you are going through. Will it have a negative impact on your friends and family? Of course it will, and you know this very well - that is why you are staying strong to be here for them. And I applaud you for your strength for getting up everyday, and taking on the world. And also for admitting that you need help. There is nothing selfish or weak about this.

You seem very intelligent to me, and I feel that you know what you need to do. So please go get that help you need. Be that role model that your son needs to see, because more than likely he will experience depression sometime during his life too - so show him what it means to be strong, and how to best handle this situation when/if he ever has to face it in the future. 

And if you ever need someone to talk to, I am just a message away. Use your support network as much as you can. And know that things will get better

Sending love, hugs, and prayers your way..

-Bugzzzy <3

Edited by Ladybugzzz86

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Thanks everyone i have been going through so much with so little support.  Unfortunately i don't have the option to move in with family. @TP1210 i did not say i wanted to commit suicide nor do i have such plans. I am all my son has and he is going through enough with my state of health. I know i said sometimes i wish i would go to sleep and not wake up and that was probably poorly worded however i need to vent and get it out somehow. I saw my therapist yesterday and am working closely with her to find a psychiatrist. Unfortunately the area i am in most private psychiatrist dont take medicaid and the community behavioral health places typically have a 4 to 6 month waiting list. However i do assure you all i am working with my therapist and Medicaid to get in somewhere sooner without having to go inpatient. Unfortunately i have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder since i was 17 years old so this isn't my first go around it's simply more frustrating because of everything else that is going on with my health at the moment. I am a strong person. I have no choice but to be for my son. Yes right now things seem bleak but i know the sun will rise again.

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On 1/12/2018 at 6:46 PM, ktallon said:

Thanks everyone i have been going through so much with so little support.  Unfortunately i don't have the option to move in with family. @TP1210 i did not say i wanted to commit suicide nor do i have such plans. I am all my son has and he is going through enough with my state of health. I know i said sometimes i wish i would go to sleep and not wake up and that was probably poorly worded however i need to vent and get it out somehow. I saw my therapist yesterday and am working closely with her to find a psychiatrist. Unfortunately the area i am in most private psychiatrist dont take medicaid and the community behavioral health places typically have a 4 to 6 month waiting list. However i do assure you all i am working with my therapist and Medicaid to get in somewhere sooner without having to go inpatient. Unfortunately i have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder since i was 17 years old so this isn't my first go around it's simply more frustrating because of everything else that is going on with my health at the moment. I am a strong person. I have no choice but to be for my son. Yes right now things seem bleak but i know the sun will rise again.

@ktallon As a bipolar person, I understand the feeling of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up again. It’s not a desire to kill oneself but the wish to make problems go away. I’ve had that feeling many times in my life. 

You are a strong @ss woman. Stronger than most people I know. Please follow @Kio‘s advice and seek out a case worker. Don’t rely on your therapist. I’m sure s/he is doing the best they can but the more help you can get, the better. 

We are here for you. We love you. 

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