Nana Trish

Me with my boy, last Christmas vs this Christmas

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4 minutes ago, Res Ipsa said:

I can't add much to wonderful wisdom provided above by @BurgundyBoy beyond saying that @Nana Trish you've got this.  You have been to hell and back so many times, and yet you still have lost or at least maintained your weight week after week.  You are so much stronger and inspirational than you realize.  We are here to support you just as you have been here to support us.  I cannot wait until you declare in a few weeks or so that you have reached your goal weight and are ready to join us in the wonderful world of maintenance.  :)

Thank you, @Res Ipsa ❤️ 

I don’t feel very strong or inspirational at the moment. But I thank you so much for saying those kind things to me. Even though I know why I’m stalling right now, and it’s completely my own doing, it’s my first real stall. It’s hard to believe I will be able to lose that last 12 pounds. I know, realistically, once I’m back on track it will come off. But hearing you say I’ve got this, and feeling your support really helps ❤️

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1 hour ago, Nana Trish said:

Thank you, @Readytobeme ❤️ Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. It’ll be ok either way, I just hate waiting. If it’s cancer, I want it out of my body so I can move on and get back to my life. I have goals to beat :) 

 

And that you will. No doubt in my mind!

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Trish,

In many ways, the beginning of this process is an easy one. Once we get into the groove of things, WLS plans are easy. It sucks and is hard but somewhat easy to go on with the plan we have chosen. As for me, is is easy to be a zealot. I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE I BELIEVE!! There is a reason why I was a lobbyist for many years. I am very good at selling an idea and go all in when I believe that something is a good idea. I also thought about being a Roman Catholic nun for many years. I am here to preach the good news, for I believe! :)

However, life throws curveballs and when I fall off the wagon, I fall off. Being bipolar doesn’t help. We tend to go all in or be self-destructive. The most important thing I have learned about WLS is that you have to get back on the horse when you find yourself on the floor. The best part is that you don’t have to do it alone. I’m sure that there are strong willed people here who  never strayed. I am not one of them and neither are you. That’s ok!! our chosen TTF family is here to listen, help and give a gentle hug  

You are going through a really hard time and are managing the needs of your family. The fact that you haven’t been incredibly self destructive is to be commended. You are a fighter and survivor. Never forget that fact. 

As far as your mom and sister, I came to the conclusion long ago that you can love someone without liking them. You don’t need to like your mom or sister. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. You can love them and realize that they aren’t good for your mental health. 

I think many of us occasionally suffer from imposter syndrome . When people compliment me on my journey, I want to tell them that they have no idea what they are talking about. My WLS life hasn’t been a straight line. Never say you are a hypocrite. NEVER. That statement simply isn’t true  

I love you, Trish. We all do. 

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So glad it hasn't increased in size, @Nana Trish, but sorry no definitive answer yet. Thank you for keeping us posted.

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1 hour ago, Nana Trish said:

That’s the one thing that never occurred to me...in the past, I probably would have gained 10-15 pounds during the last ~however many days/weeks~that have passed since this all started. I guess in that respect I’ve been successful. I’ve been so worried about not losing, I haven’t REALLY been focusing on not gaining. 

Yes, the doubts are STRONG!! They feel stronger than I am, or was, or whatever this is. In case it’s not clear by now, I don’t handle change well :wacko: I get an idea or a plan in my head, and in order for me to make it work, I have to let it consume me. I can’t explain why, but that is how I’ve made this work so far. That’s why I was so insane in the beginning of the process, immediately post op, taking everything so literal. It was nice when I was finally able to start relaxing, even a little, in early November. It didn’t feel like I had to be on my guard every second of every day. The plan was working, and my confidence that I could do it was growing.

Prior to this, I was someone that never felt like I was allowed to take care of myself...like it was selfish or a bad thing to even want to. Like I didn’t deserve to take that time for myself. The feeling of freedom that has accompanied this journey so far is indescribable. As usual, however, I’ve also been waiting for the other shoe to drop. And now it has.

I would love to have a magic wand and be able to wave it at the dementors. They have spent far too many years making my life miserable, and partly because I’ve allowed them to. But the spot I’m stuck in right now seems inescapable. Things can’t go back to the way they were before I found out my dad was sick. What kind of person am I if I turn my back on family after one of us dies? At the same time though, where does helping them through this end, and resuming my life/plan begin?How do you make that transition?

I’m not looking for actual answers from you to these questions. I guess I’m just thinking out loud. And in this depressed state, I shouldn’t even go near my electronics, ugh. I usually don’t. But your post made me tear up, and I really wanted/needed to respond ❤️ 

The Harry Potter references are truly fitting for my situation...and yes, the dementors make you eat too much 

Thank you, BB, for taking so much time out of your day to help me try to get through this.

Methinks you are best able to assist others when you yourself are strong. It's not selfish, it's for everyone's good. Yours, most importantly, and the good of everyone who ends up looking to you to make things right. 

You have the wand, and you have the magic; you just need to believe and know you have them.  Not simple when the Doubts are behind the door. But the reason everyone looks to you is because... you have the magic.

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@Nana Trish, I'm so sorry for the struggles you're enduring. I don't know for certain, but I'm fairly confident you've been lower than whale feces before and felt like all was lost and life might as well be over. My heart hurts for you right now Trish. I know all too well where you are mentally. You may have gotten there for different reasons, but the result is the same. I'm just going to keep it real from a bipolar point of view. The weight loss and the physical health are all fine and dandy, but without your mental health they don't seem that important at all. You have to be selfish in regards to your mental health. If you're not okay mentally then what good is the rest really doing? You need to get your priorities in order to what is best for YOU! It's okay to put yourself first.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made and have shown that you can do anything that you put your mind to. You got this! Make your mental health a priority. Get yourself in to see your therapist and get a plan of action going. From what I know and have seen about you, you are not the quitting kind and you can do this! You owe it to yourself and you are worth it. Please keep us posted. 

Edited by Chefman77

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Ok, @Nana Trish, you are going to have to explain to me what walking a Trish means....that was "before my time" and I keep hearing it and "wondering minds need to know!"

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8 minutes ago, Chefman77 said:

@Nana Trish, I'm so sorry for the struggles you're enduring. I don't know for certain, but I'm fairly confident you've been lower than whale feces before and felt like all was lost and life might as well be over. My heart hurts for you right now Trish. I know all too well where you are mentally. You may have gotten there for different reasons, but the result is the same. I'm just going to keep it real from a bipolar point of view. The weight loss and the physical health are all fine and dandy, but without your mental health they don't seem that important at all. You have to be selfish in regards to your mental health. If you're not okay mentally then what good is the rest really doing? You need to get your priorities in order to what is best for YOU! It's okay to put yourself first.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made and have shown that you can do anything that you put your mind to. You got this! Make your mental health a priority. Get yourself in to see your therapist and get a plan of action going. From what I know and have seen about you, you are not the quitting kind and you can do this! You owe it to yourself and you are worth it. Please keep us posted. 

If anyone can understand the struggles of a bipolar, it's another bipolar. And you are right. I've been as low as this before, and when you are sitting with those blinders on, it does feel like all is lost. That's the tough part of this illness...I've been through this enough during my lifetime to KNOW it's going to get better, but my head and heart can't see that right now. When I crash, I crash hard...and that's where I'm at right now. I know that weight loss/physical health and mental health have to be meshed together in order to be truly healthy, and that being in this "I don't give a f***" frame of mind is extremely unhealthy and dangerous. Be cause I do care...it's just buried deep inside right now. And I've worked so hard to get here...harder than I think I've ever worked on anything for me. The grip that mania and depression have on you while you're cycling is so hard to fight, but I know you know this very well. 

Im not the quitting kind, even though there are times that it seems like the only thing I can do. I'm calling my therapist today and I'm going to get in to see her ASAP. I have had such good control over the past several months, and such good focus...and have actually been putting my health first for once in my life. At this moment, it doesn't seem like I'll be able to get that back. I know, reasonably, that I will. But the bipolar part of me keeps telling me I won't...and even if I do, it'll be too late. Just gotta keep fighting these demons. It's all I can do for today. The addict in me has to take it one meal at a time, because even one day at a time seems too much right now. LUCKILY, hubby is on vacation this week, and he will be able to help me stay on track. He knows how bad I need it right now, and he is always here for me. 

Finally, thank you for your beautiful words...I don't think anyone has ever said I'm beautifully and wonderfully made before ❤️ How can I not continue to fight this when I have such caring people lifting me up? Thank you, @Chefman77 (((hugs))) I may be down, but I'm not out yet!

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Just now, CheeringCJ said:

Ok, @Nana Trish, you are going to have to explain to me what walking a Trish means....that was "before my time" and I keep hearing it and "wondering minds need to know!"

That was the wonderful name that @BurgundyBoy came up with for a certain distance I could walk when I first started this journey. He said, I believe, that we would call my driveway a "Trish", and that's how we would keep track of my progress. I can't remember now how many Trishes I had walked, but I was getting pretty good before I got sick over the summer and was in the hospital for 4 days. After I was released I had constant, severe diahrrea for 2 weeks and really couldn't leave the house. So the walking ended for a while. 

I should probably also tell you that I've been in a wheel chair, that I need for distances, for over a year now. I'm trying to get strong enough to not need it anymore. I'm getting there, but the walking is really necessary. My back is actually feeling a lot better (I've got spinal stenosis, degenerative disc disease, progressive scoliosis, arthritis and have already had 1 back surgery), but my knees are not doing well at all. Pretty severe arthritis in them, as well as torn cartilage in my left knee, and they give out on me when I walk more than a couple of minutes. So I started pushing my chair and using it for support as I walked, and I think the last time I walked, I made it almost a half mile. So that's the long answer...as usual from me ❤️

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14 hours ago, BurgundyBoy said:

Methinks you are best able to assist others when you yourself are strong. It's not selfish, it's for everyone's good. Yours, most importantly, and the good of everyone who ends up looking to you to make things right. 

You have the wand, and you have the magic; you just need to believe and know you have them.  Not simple when the Doubts are behind the door. But the reason everyone looks to you is because... you have the magic.

Always put your oxygen mask on first...that way you can assist others! 

I think believing and knowing I have the wand, and the magic is in there, and all of your (and everyone else here) kind, supportive and caring words are helping bring it back to the surface!! 

Who knew coming here during a manic~depressive episode could be so very rewarding? ❤️ I've never truly put myself out there when I was this deep in the middle of the *sh@$ storm", and I had no idea what to do. 

Thank you so, so, so much for everything...ALL of it!! 

Oh, and as a side note...I swear A LOT when I'm going through this...this Nana has a potty mouth :o

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1 hour ago, Chefman77 said:

@Nana Trish, I'm so sorry for the struggles you're enduring. I don't know for certain, but I'm fairly confident you've been lower than whale feces before and felt like all was lost and life might as well be over. My heart hurts for you right now Trish. I know all too well where you are mentally. You may have gotten there for different reasons, but the result is the same. I'm just going to keep it real from a bipolar point of view. The weight loss and the physical health are all fine and dandy, but without your mental health they don't seem that important at all. You have to be selfish in regards to your mental health. If you're not okay mentally then what good is the rest really doing? You need to get your priorities in order to what is best for YOU! It's okay to put yourself first.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made and have shown that you can do anything that you put your mind to. You got this! Make your mental health a priority. Get yourself in to see your therapist and get a plan of action going. From what I know and have seen about you, you are not the quitting kind and you can do this! You owe it to yourself and you are worth it. Please keep us posted. 

@Chefman77 BRAVO! Well said!!

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19 hours ago, NerdyToothpick said:

However, life throws curveballs and when I fall off the wagon, I fall off. Being bipolar doesn’t help. We tend to go all in or be self-destructive. The most important thing I have learned about WLS is that you have to get back on the horse when you find yourself on the floor. The best part is that you don’t have to do it alone. I’m sure that there are strong willed people here who  never strayed. I am not one of them and neither are you. That’s ok!! our chosen TTF family is here to listen, help and give a gentle hug  

Those words really struck a chord with me...being bipolar doesn't help, because we tend to go all in or be self destructive. That is the truth!! I think part of my problem is that I've been trying to get back on my horse for a couple of weeks now, but I've been trying to do it alone (meaning not coming here). I have sent you, and a few other lovely people here, some pretty frantic emails, but other than that, I've tried to stay away. I didn't want to scare the newbies away, thinking that this is a normal part of life after WLS. Slipping up might be, but not the crap I've been going through. I'd hate to think anyone that has read anything I've written has chosen not to go ahead with surgery because they think they'll end up like me!

 

19 hours ago, NerdyToothpick said:

In many ways, the beginning of this process is an easy one. Once we get into the groove of things, WLS plans are easy. It sucks and is hard but somewhat easy to go on with the plan we have chosen. As for me, is is easy to be a zealot. I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE I BELIEVE!! There is a reason why I was a lobbyist for many years. I am very good at selling an idea and go all in when I believe that something is a good idea. I also thought about being a Roman Catholic nun for many years. I am here to preach the good news, for I believe! :)

You are going through a really hard time and are managing the needs of your family. The fact that you haven’t been incredibly self destructive is to be commended. You are a fighter and survivor. Never forget that fact. 

As far as your mom and sister, I came to the conclusion long ago that you can love someone without liking them. You don’t need to like your mom or sister. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. You can love them and realize that they aren’t good for your mental health. 

I think many of us occasionally suffer from imposter syndrome . When people compliment me on my journey, I want to tell them that they have no idea what they are talking about. My WLS life hasn’t been a straight line. Never say you are a hypocrite. NEVER. That statement simply isn’t true  

I love you, Trish. We all do. 

You're right about it being somewhat easy once we are in the groove. The WLS plan, if you have a good surgeon, is pretty much laid out in front of you. And as long as you've followed your pre op plan, and gone through the carb withdrawal, it's not hard. I know we all slip up, but I think for the most part we just put it in the past and move on. That's real life. I was actually starting to look at food just as fuel. It was getting so easy to do, because I was changing my reason for eating from pleasure, comfort, etc. to necessity. Not that I didn't/don't enjoy eating, but that's not my purpose anymore. 

I also knew I could do this because I believe. This has been God's plan for me since I saw my back surgeon back in November 2015 (well, probably longer than that, but that's when it became known to me). Having that become known to me, and of course my sweet Harper, have been the driving force behind my ability to be successful this far. But a big piece in this plan was also not having my mother and sister be an active part of my life, because I never would have gotten this far and done this well if they had been. So now they are, and that belief is being cemented into my brain...that I can't do this and deal with them at the same time. I'm trying to dig through the cement before it dries and pull those beliefs out of there. (I know...weird train of thought). But this is the only way I can rationalize things right now. I also agree, whole heartedly, that you can love someone without liking them. I'm just trying to figure out how to justify getting back on plan, when I know it means I won't be able to be there at the drop of a hat when my mother needs something from me. I know I can't do both, and I'm sick of being on this tight rope. I wanna get down! 

I haven't clicked on the imposter syndrome link yet...I'll do that once I'm done with this. People that haven't been through this certainly don't know what we go through...but why not take the compliment? You have done an amazing job with your weight loss, and all of the things (including, but not limited to, mother issues) you've been through have not made it an easy road for you. 

The hypocrite thing...let's just come back to that later.

I love you too ❤️ Thank you so much for being here for me...the good, the bad and the ugly!! Wasn't that the name of a movie? Lol

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On 1/3/2018 at 1:40 AM, NerdyToothpick said:

I feel the exact same way. We are lucky that our little ones will never know us a sick and helpless people. As much as I hated the weight, I also took a lot of selfies with my daughter. I look at most of them with fondness. I hope I continue to remember the good times instead of focusing on the bad times. 

I look at my photos of tiny Harper with fondness...they are the only "heavy me" photos I can look at and not cringe...because I had that beautiful creature in my arms ❤️❤️❤️ And I literally breathed in every ounce of him when he was a newborn, because I knew how fast he was going to grow up. I didn't want to miss a second of it. And I haven't!! So I'm proud of those pictures, because for once I saw something special in them that was so much more important than how heavy I was ❤️

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1 hour ago, Nana Trish said:

That was the wonderful name that @BurgundyBoy came up with for a certain distance I could walk when I first started this journey. He said, I believe, that we would call my driveway a "Trish", and that's how we would keep track of my progress. I can't remember now how many Trishes I had walked, but I was getting pretty good before I got sick over the summer and was in the hospital for 4 days. After I was released I had constant, severe diahrrea for 2 weeks and really couldn't leave the house. So the walking ended for a while. 

I should probably also tell you that I've been in a wheel chair, that I need for distances, for over a year now. I'm trying to get strong enough to not need it anymore. I'm getting there, but the walking is really necessary. My back is actually feeling a lot better (I've got spinal stenosis, degenerative disc disease, progressive scoliosis, arthritis and have already had 1 back surgery), but my knees are not doing well at all. Pretty severe arthritis in them, as well as torn cartilage in my left knee, and they give out on me when I walk more than a couple of minutes. So I started pushing my chair and using it for support as I walked, and I think the last time I walked, I made it almost a half mile. So that's the long answer...as usual from me ❤️

Ok, now it all makes sense to me!  

I had been in a car accident 18 years ago....I was hit head on by an ice cream truck.  I ended up in years of pain and PT and had all sorts of tests and procedures to help.  In the end, I had back surgery and am now a new woman (it flares occasionally but it is never so severe as it was).  I went to my daughter's high school grad in a wheel chair and was mortified (pride).  I didn't go out much because it was so painful but sometimes I would go to the grocery store and ppl would look at me like I was too young for the electric carts they have, but then seeing me like a 70 yr old trying to get out and into the passenger's seat the looks would be less glaring.  So, I only had it for a few years but it was pretty bad and I totally get it.  It stinks that yours is more permanent, degenerative stuff, but losing weight like you've done (and will continue to do) will certainly help your joints have less stress!

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Just now, CheeringCJ said:

Ok, now it all makes sense to me!  

I had been in a car accident 18 years ago....I was hit head on by an ice cream truck.  I ended up in years of pain and PT and had all sorts of tests and procedures to help.  In the end, I had back surgery and am now a new woman (it flares occasionally but it is never so severe as it was).  I went to my daughter's high school grad in a wheel chair and was mortified (pride).  I didn't go out much because it was so painful but sometimes I would go to the grocery store and ppl would look at me like I was too young for the electric carts they have, but then seeing me like a 70 yr old trying to get out and into the passenger's seat the looks would be less glaring.  So, I only had it for a few years but it was pretty bad and I totally get it.  It stinks that yours is more permanent, degenerative stuff, but losing weight like you've done (and will continue to do) will certainly help your joints have less stress!

Oh wow...I'm so sorry to hear about your car accident!! I can't even imagine what that must have been like. That is one of my biggest fears, getting into a crash :( I'm very happy to hear that the surgery helped your back, but back surgery is horrible, and in my experience, the recovery from that is far worse than recovery from any other surgery I've ever had. I'm glad you are doing better!! 

Oh those electric carts...don't even get me started! I used them for a while. But you know, when you're obese, and otherwise look healthy, people stare and snicker and are just generally nasty. They figure...fat and lazy. I might have been fat, but never lazy! But I needed to use them as well, if I ever wanted to leave my house. I went on like that for a year, until I'd finally had enough. My doctor gave me a script for the wheel chair, and a handicapped parking pass. I cried all the way home that day. But a funny fact about the chair...last month I had to trade it in for a smaller model!! I was swimming in the one they originally gave me, and they traded it in for me at no cost :) 

Pride is a tough thing to deal with...I was mortified in the beginning as well. But I look at it like my WLS now. It is necessary, and I will use it until I don't need to anymore (the chair, not my pouch, lol). My back has definitely benefited from my weight loss, but sadly my knees haven't. Getting them evaluated is somewhere on the long list of things I still have to get checked out. 

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1 hour ago, Nana Trish said:

 But I look at it like my WLS now. It is necessary, and I will use it until I don't need to anymore (the chair, not my pouch, lol).

My back has definitely benefited from my weight loss, but sadly my knees haven't. Getting them evaluated is somewhere on the long list of things I still have to get checked out. 

I plan on using MY sleeve until....um, FOREVER!!! hahaha!

The weight loss may not have "cured" your knees but if you need surgery (most ppl do, because the joints have worn down and there isn't anything in there to keep bone from rubbing on bone), BUT your recovery would be much easier on you when you do finally have to have it.  My mom had surgery on her knee (replacement) and she is obese and it really was hard to just get her in the house.  My husband and dad had to try to lift her chair and they really needed a 3rd person but there was no more room to squeeze someone in....talk about pride hurting! 

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