Cadoodle

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Something is going on in my head that concerns me and I feel like writing about it. I think some of you will relate to my thoughts and others may think I am overly cautious.  From the very beginning I have been secretive with my interest and later decision to have WLS. I spoke first to my husband who was very understanding and supportive. He agreed not to mention this to any of his family or friends. My two daughters agreed also but one of them said people were going to ask me how I did it. What would I say?  The reason for my uneasiness is that I feel certain many people will give their negative opinions and their own success stories of losing weight and keeping it off.I don't feel like I have to defend my decisions and therefore I want to avoid the topic of surgery altogether. Everyone I know has seen me lose up to 60 pounds in the past (three different times) only to gain again. I have decided to reply to any questions with something like "I have been able to lose weight in the past, but this time around I am learning the importance of moving around more and being active." I know I may be overly sensitive about this and one reason is my pride has suffered with my failures. I also know this new "tool" is exactly that and not the cure all to my food issues. Worrying about what other people think is one issue I have that I want to stop. This all seems so silly to be thinking about, but I can't seem to relax. I don't know WHY I feel like I should be like an open book and speak freely about most anything.  If I could overcome this crazy reaction I would probably consider myself more "normal" and I would not feel like I had to explain myself to other people. While putting this all into words I have realized the ones I fear the most are my sisters and their families. I just do not want to build up anger in my heart and mind with them. I visualize having 'fantasy fights' with them when I am confronted. Being the youngest girl in the family I should be used to this but I fold too easy. 

This is a long winded post, so I better hit send before I delete it all!   

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Wls for a while had a negative Connotation for "being the easy way out".  I have kept it quiet too.  My immediate family (heck 3 of our adult children didn't know until after the fact; and my mother in law will never know!). knows and a couple of friends.  I have failed so many diets.  I didn't want this to be another failure..  And when I was looking into surgery I was nervous enough I didn't need to hear horror stories or about your cousins wife who had surgery and gained it all back.  I consider myself "normal" (well, as can be be for my level of craziness) now.  People I work with (switched jobs after I lost weight) have never known me heavy and just know I eat healthy.  I'm normal for the first time in my life!  I'm no longer the heaviest person in the room, I blend in..

When asked I'd say I was on a doctor supervised high protein low carb diet and moving more.  Our neighbor actually asked if I felt ok..I asked her, "why, do I look sick?"  You just need to be prepared for comebacks...

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My two cents is that what you've identified - some new tactic to explain your success - should be enough. Thank your daughter for helping you to foresee the questions you might be asked.

If your older sisters ask very close questions you don't like, or that make you angry, consider doing some role-playing with your daughters or your husband. Have them ask you the questions you don't like very much. (It's probably safer for your husband if you do this with your daughters). You'll figure out with them what feels best and it will give you some confidence. This is safe and there is no down side in terms of anyone else knowing. Plus, you'll have some allies (your daughters and your husband) in a social situation where they will help support your explanation.

Your reaction isn't crazy! It's just the way you are. 

And an edit after @Cheeseheadso rightly posted: Just need to be prepared with those comebacks to the questions. The role playing may help you both with the explanations and with the comebacks to the second question. You'll be fine and confident!

 

Edited by BurgundyBoy
add reference to Cheesehead comment that was great

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Lots of wisdom here already from @Cheesehead and @BurgundyBoy, so I'll just chime in and say "me too." I have told 5 people. I don't plan to tell more (at the moment). My weight is something that I've always been so embarrassed and sensitive about. I know that I made the right choice, but I just do not want to hear anyone's ignorant spouting off about it. My very obvious fluctuations over the years have led even more sensitivity, and my reaction to harsh words would be either a really cruel dig back or a crying jag, I think. Neither one would be good.

I have the "low carb high protein diet plus exercise" answer ready to go. People have responded well to it. I might consider giving the truth to someone who was overweight and desperate to figure out how I have done it, but maybe only to someone I knew, like a PSA :) For now it's a secret. I'd love to be open about it and help take some of the stigma away, but I'm not there yet. 

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For the first year or so, I would give a version of the "low carb, high protein diet" answer. I never lied, I just didn't tell the whole truth. Now, I usually tell people about having bypass BUT that's because, at this point, the people who are commenting on my weight didn't know me before and my response is typically in response to a comment like, "oh my gosh! You have four kids?! But you're so tiny. You must have great genes, you're so lucky!" At which point I start laughing hysterically and tell them that I used to be 135 pounds heavier. And that leads into the conversation of how, etc. And, honestly, I've yet to get a negative response.

Now, that all said, you know your family. You know your relationship with your family. If you have reason to think that they'll be anything other than totally supportive, keep your mouth shut. The post-op period is hard enough with the internal battles (both emotional and mental) and the adjustments you'll be dealing with. Do not add the stress of feeling like you have to justify your decision to anyone to that. Maybe saying something like what I used to say would help. I would say, "I cut out basically all carbs, all sweets, and I don't drink anything but water. And I watch my food intake like a hawk. Basically, if it's fun or a treat, I don't eat it." I would make my diet sound like the most boring, limiting thing possible. And people would lose interest quick. They generally want to hear some great trick or easy diet, not that you actually had to drastically change your eating habits and lifestyle. 

But basically, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't need to be an open book or even let them read the dust jacket if you think they won't have your back 110%. Keep your surgery as private as you need to without any guilt.

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11 hours ago, athenarose said:

 

But basically, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You don't need to be an open book or even let them read the dust jacket if you think they won't have your back 110%. Keep your surgery as private as you need to without any guilt.

Yes. This! Your body, health, eating and exercise habits aren't anyone's business. I told very few people. I know lots of people suspected I had WLS. I had one come right out and ask if I got 'the band'. I just laughed and said, GOD NO! When people asked how I was losing so much so fast I said: High protein, low carb diet and tons of exercise. That was all true. 

 

Once you get the weight off, it won't be too long, maybe a year or so until people will forget that you used to be fat. People tell me, "I was going through old pictures and saw one from (fill in the blank), I forgot you used to be big!"

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3 hours ago, Stephtay said:

 

 

Once you get the weight off, it won't be too long, maybe a year or so until people will forget that you used to be fat. People tell me, "I was going through old pictures and saw one from (fill in the blank), I forgot you used to be big!"

And remember, once you tell someone, you can't untell them or control who they tell?  

My kids had a discussion recently that couldn't remember me being heavy and I was heavy their entire lives..

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@Cheesehead this is a great argument for only having short-term memory. :P  When your kids are older and so are you and they give you a hard time about forgetting something just remember this to them. 

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You guys are great!!! Thank you for your words.

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So... I understand both sides of this and that being said, I have found it is easier to tell people who ask than to lie. It is easier for me to keep it straight and to be perfectly frank, who gives a #@$% what other people think? Even my family.

It has taken me since way before my surgery date to get to this place. Today, I know that this is not a quick fix, that my head will be my worst enemy, and that I am worth saving. I was a person who thought WLS was the easy way out until I did more research and watched a friend of mine go through it. I know that I have tried traditional methods of losing weight and have been somewhat successful, but I've never been able to keep it off. I am tired of putting a moral judgment on a physical and mental condition (obesity and food addiction ,in my opinion, have components of both) for myself and anyone else subjected to this battle. For me, AND I SPEAK ONLY FOR MYSELF HERE, feeling like I could not talk about my surgery to people who know me fairly well meant that I was ashamed of my decision.

After some "fudging of the truth" with people in my outer circle, it started to get too complicated and ultimately no one really cares other than they haven't seen me for a while and I'm no longer the Larson twins. It would be weird, actually, if no one noticed or said anything. I also realized that people ask if I'm ok out of concern because many people who have certain cancers lose a lot of weight quickly. People also notice because I'm not dressing like a Ninja all the time anymore.

Part of my awkwardness also centers around my sexuality and control issues. Most people are just going to be more attracted to me as a thinner person. They are not bad or evil, and not everyone is out to hurt me. I knew going in that I would be confronted with certain aspects of my past due to sexual attention and I would not have food as a buffer. Knowing it and actually walking through it are animals of a different stripe, but the people who find me attractive are not being creeps (for the most part). They are being human. I'm the one who needs to figure out my own boundaries, not them. I'm the one who has to find my limits and speak up, or easier yet, walk away. People are allowed to be who they are. I do not have to participate, but getting so over-the-top enraged about some sexual attention / flirting says way more about my maturity level and coping skills than it does about the other person. Please understand here that I am not condoning any kind of forced sexual contact, or saying that I am responsible for making other people feel ok at any level; I'm just saying that healthy sexual interaction is something I am continuing to define as my weight drops.

I have had a few uncomfortable moments with several women in my recovery community who yelled across the room about it (How'd you lose all that weight? What are you doing? Did you have "the surgery"?) and/or would not let it go in a public atmosphere. After I dragged them to the side and got them to let go of the death grip on my leg, I discovered they had been considering surgical options themselves and really wanted more information. They just had a messed up way of going about it. Again, not about me. I do encounter some jealousy about my weight loss and people baiting me with food, particularly family, but they would do that whether they knew about my surgery or not. HAHA!

One thing I do with my family (read "Mother" and certain associates I must see fairly regularly) is say, "I don't want to talk about it." and walk away, hang up, or leave if they won't let it go. Works like a charm. They may never get it, but I am a grown-a$$ woman and I can decide what is discussable and what isn't. If their lives are so boring that they talk about me when I'm not there, all I can say is, "I'm here to help."

This is your decision about whether or not to talk about your health issues.  I support whatever you decide to do.

Edited by slars04

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I have also been thinking about this topic!

When I was 30 I dropped a lot of excess baby weight and got down to my lowest adult weight of 130. (I am 5'4")

EVERYONE would notice, compliment, and then ASK the dreaded question. I answered truthfully back then, "I stopped eating unhealthy" and they seemed satisfied with that answer.

Now that I am preparing to have WLS I told a few trusted friends, including my two pastors. Today one of my pastors started saying, Maybe you don't need the surgery. You are looking great".

Now I have lost only about 10 pounds, but I have also been sprucing myself up with a few sets of nice work clothes, a facial every other week, and am really happy about my commitment to getting healthy. I was annoyed with him. I didn't say anything except, "Thank you." but I am anticipating much attention as I am a leader in my church and at work.

My grown kids know, and my 80 yr old Dad knows and they are all cool with it, but I have been feeling pretty anxious about this issue.

Any feedback is welcome!

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1 minute ago, Ro_Bro said:

I have also been thinking about this topic!

.... Today one of my pastors started saying, Maybe you don't need the surgery. You are looking great".

Now I have lost only about 10 pounds, but I have also been sprucing myself up with a few sets of nice work clothes, a facial every other week, and am really happy about my commitment to getting healthy. I was annoyed with him. I didn't say anything except, "Thank you." but I am anticipating much attention as I am a leader in my church and at work.

My grown kids know, and my 80 yr old Dad knows and they are all cool with it, but I have been feeling pretty anxious about this issue.

Any feedback is welcome!

Well, here's some factual data:

The best people can do with a diet and exercise, in clinical trials that look at success over 1-2 years, is to lose 12 lbs. That's the best.

Your BMI is 38 and you want to get down to ~ 25 and so you need to lose something like 75 pounds.  People who start with a BMI of 40 have a success rate of getting down to 25 of less than 0.1% (less than 1 in a thousand). The data I read shows rates of success that are even worse, of between one in 1500 and 1 in 5000. So diets fail for almost everyone. Your pastor is just not informed. In my opinion it is crazy for people to state that dieting is somehow or other better since the success rates are so different for WLS. 

A long term study of men with a bypass done at the VA showed that only 3% of them, after surgery, were within 5% of their pre-surgery weight. That means 97% continued to have weight loss. 

I'd just have a conversation with your pastor, say the diets are unlikely to work, and ask your pastor to pass on those comments in the future. Then ask him/her to help you by educating other members of your church as to the truth about surgery. :P

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I actually drew a line in the sand with a couple of folk who I'd trusted, but turned out they were very opinionated along with ignorant. On one occasion when I felt the line was crossed and I'd had enough, I told them they'd crossed into territory that I wasn't prepared to listen to their opinions on the subject again. The next time it was bought into conversation I walked away. After that I ended the relationship. Interestingly I've seen this particular person recently and they insisted I'd put on weight....they are clearly just sitting back waiting for me to regain so they can tell everyone who will listen that they were right and I made a bad choice to have surgery. Some people have sad lives. 

I doubt this is the case for you @Ro_Bro, and suspect your pastor was just trying to be genuinely complimentary.... sadly you probably will have to learn the difference and find a way to deal with it.

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7 hours ago, Ro_Bro said:

Today one of my pastors started saying, Maybe you don't need the surgery. You are looking great"

@BurgundyBoy has already chimed in with some important stats and strategies, and @Aussie Bear with her own experience, but I thought I'd add a couple of articles just in case your pastor's comment is messing with your head.

I've attached a post below with a bunch of good articles, but in particular I found articles 7, 8, and 9 to be really key in my decision making process. Numbers 8 and 9 are all about the studies that have been done on Biggest Loser participants in the years after their time on the show. Keeping in mind that these are highly motivated people with a very successful weight loss experience in their track records, I think the takeaway is "Diet without surgery is not adequate to give someone with significant weight to lose a decent chance of keeping it off."
I just spent last evening looking through old photos of myself - the photos of my previous successful weight loss periods (-50 lbs, -60 pounds, -90 pounds) featured prominently. "Hey, look, I lost a lot of weight and feel great! Let's take a lot of photos!" Then, in the year or couple of years after those "after" photos, the photos where I got fat again. Those are heartbreaking. I feel like I can see it in my eyes in those pictures. Disappointment. Self-loathing. Embarrassment. Sadness. Cringe. And then bigger and bigger until the next cycle started.

In those previous attempts, I only ever was at my lowest weight (still not my GW though) for like 5 minutes. Then my weight bounced up as soon as I relaxed my eating rules just a smidge due to being sick and tired of starving myself. It was torture. 

This time feels different. I have already maintained for about 7 months without really working too hard at it. I genuinely feel like a different person with a different relationship with food, exercise, and my body in general. I'm convinced this is the only way I can be successful.

https://www.thinnertimesforum.com/topic/121386-good-articles-on-wls/

 

Edited by Jen581791

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2 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

@BurgundyBoy @Aussie Bear

In those previous attempts, I only ever was at my lowest weight (still not my GW though) for like 5 minutes. Then my weight bounced up as soon as I relaxed my eating rules just a smidge due to being sick and tired of starving myself. It was torture. 

This time feels different. I have already maintained for about 7 months without really working too hard at it. I genuinely feel like a different person with a different relationship with food, exercise, and my body in general. I'm convinced this is the only way I can be successful.

 

 

Sorry I can't remove the quoted tags on this device.

My experience has been very similar to Jen's. I've lost so much weight so many times before. Up to 100lbs in one attempt. The closest I could get to goal was a 29.8 BMI.  It didn't matter how much I continued to diet, I just couldn't get below 91kg. I joke these days that it took me about 8 years to go from 201lb to 199!!! Well it did but there were many gains and many loses in that time. I could never hold that low no matter what I tried. I believe I was pretty good at dieting and losing weight, at a certain point though the losses would not only stop but I couldn't maintain the loss. This time is different.....I flew past that 200lb mark and just kept losing. I've held around the 69kg mark now since about January. I don't even really need to try. I did go up a couple of kgs when my doctor had me trying to manage my reactive hypoglycemia with lots of sugar. Once I jacked up and said we needed to find an alternative way, not only did that regain drop away, but a couple more kgs have followed. When I last checked in with my surgeon 6 months ago he told me that having maintained the same weight for a couple of months probably meant I'd stopped losing. Maybe 69kg is my new setpoint....I'll take that over the old one any day!!!!  I guess it remains to be seen. He also told me that when we next meet 6 months from that time he wanted me not a kg heavier. Happily I should actually be a couple of kgs lighter, and it's not an effort.....nor does it require me to 100% deny myself anything off diet or to massively restrict calories.

WLS is life changing. I won't pretend it's all roses because there are certainly downsides, but those are well and truly outweighed by being able to finally have a degree of success that lasts more than 5 minutes, let alone being able to drop to a "normal" weight which chances are your body won't ever let you do without surgical intervention. Jen's right....this time it "feels different"  and like maintaining the loss won't be as much of a challenge as it was in the past. I'm certain it will still take some effort, but it feels like it's actually possible now.

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Chiming in just to agree with @BurgundyBoy, @Jen581791 and @Aussie Bear. It still astonishes me how easy it’s been to maintain my weight post op. I’ve never been this small before and the only time I came close what when I was 18 and insanely active. And even then I couldn’t maintain for long. WLS isn’t perfect but it is, by far, the most effective tool for helping us to get to and stay at goal weight. @Ro_Bro my only advice would be to not talk to people about having surgery. Their input isn’t really necessary and their apporoval isn’t needed, so it’s not really a conversation worth havin, in my opinion at least. If you do feel like you need to defend your decision though, there’s so great info posted above. Good luck with everything! :)

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On 6/29/2017 at 9:46 PM, Cadoodle said:

Something is going on in my head that concerns me and I feel like writing about it. I think some of you will relate to my thoughts and others may think I am overly cautious.  From the very beginning I have been secretive with my interest and later decision to have WLS. I spoke first to my husband who was very understanding and supportive. He agreed not to mention this to any of his family or friends. My two daughters agreed also but one of them said people were going to ask me how I did it. What would I say?  The reason for my uneasiness is that I feel certain many people will give their negative opinions and their own success stories of losing weight and keeping it off.I don't feel like I have to defend my decisions and therefore I want to avoid the topic of surgery altogether. Everyone I know has seen me lose up to 60 pounds in the past (three different times) only to gain again. I have decided to reply to any questions with something like "I have been able to lose weight in the past, but this time around I am learning the importance of moving around more and being active." I know I may be overly sensitive about this and one reason is my pride has suffered with my failures. I also know this new "tool" is exactly that and not the cure all to my food issues. Worrying about what other people think is one issue I have that I want to stop. This all seems so silly to be thinking about, but I can't seem to relax. I don't know WHY I feel like I should be like an open book and speak freely about most anything.  If I could overcome this crazy reaction I would probably consider myself more "normal" and I would not feel like I had to explain myself to other people. While putting this all into words I have realized the ones I fear the most are my sisters and their families. I just do not want to build up anger in my heart and mind with them. I visualize having 'fantasy fights' with them when I am confronted. Being the youngest girl in the family I should be used to this but I fold too easy. 

This is a long winded post, so I better hit send before I delete it all!   

  I haven't decided yet whether to have the surgery or not have it, and this is the reason.  You know, I don't go around getting in everyone's business and I think people extremely rude who want to get into mine.  I always think, "what is my life any of your business???"  The thing is, they are not really concerned about me or any of that... if I were to call ANY of my so called family or friends for help of any kind, they would all make excuses not to help, even if it were a matter of life and death.  So what is anything about me or my life any of their business???? For real.  I find most people to be nosy,  judgmental, rude and gossipy.  If you can't tell, I don't put too much faith in people.  But seriously, HOW RUDE is it that people should even ask how a person loses weight, or anything else, for that matter?  I am on a structured eating plan and I don't feel it is anybody's business what I am doing.  Oh, they ask!!!!  But, I am just doing what I need to do for ME.  I need to not be a failure THIS TIME.  I need to WIN.  I see myself just as an athlete in training sees them-self... I have to do what I have to do to put and keep my body in peak performance.  It's not for anyone else, it's for ME.  People these days have no filter, I swear.  And some people may say that having surgery is "taking the easy way out"... that is so polar opposite of the truth.  A person who makes the decision to alter their body and eating habits for the long haul is NOT taking the easy way out of anything.  That is major!  Plus skin removal surgery and the emotional trauma a person will experience as a result of the anesthetic and the "buyers remorse" period, etc.  There is a lot involved and then there is the emotional pain of stigma.  A further emotional onslaught from family and friends (so called) who may or may not be supportive, but you know they have an attitude and they are being judgmental, whether or not they voice it.  It makes someone who already feels like a failure only have an intensified feeling of being rejected and it takes a toll on your psyche.  It all sucks.   It really does.  But here is the deal, you need to do what you need to do for you, and it is easy for me to tell you not to care what others think, but that is exactly what we need to do, is to be tough and get an "I don't care what you think or say or do" attitude.  Easier said than done, especially when we tend to be compassionate and wear our hearts on our sleeve.  

  I may not be able to be the best person for advice here, but I will get in the boat with you and do my share of paddling.  My intentions are to get rid of my family, my past and all the issues that go with it.  It's a never ending battle with my siblings.  My parents have passed on, but it is time for me to cut the apron strings, too.  I am the youngest of ten children, but I am no longer a child.  I am a grandmother!  It's time to cut them loose, blow up that bridge and never look back.  I intend to enjoy my life and as long as I keep looking backwards at all the abuse and trauma I have been through, I won't enjoy it fully.  I have decided to cut all ties with my whole family.  Block them on Facebook and block their numbers from my phone, etc.  That may be extreme, but in my case, the abuse was extreme and all of us have issues and it is keeping me from moving forward with what God has in store for me.  

  So, whether I have surgery or not, ,my family and so called friends will never know, and frankly, it's nobody's business but mine.  Hope this helps you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way.  I wish you the best!!!  Go with God and do what you need to do for your body and health.  

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It's something I pondered over extensively before my surgery.  I thought, at the time, that I'd be embarrassed to tell people I had surgery.  I worried about people's reactions.  Now, basically I tell anybody who asks me - especially if they're also overweight enough to qualify for WLS.  I tell people in part because I'm just not a very good liar, and in part because if they don't like it, screw 'em.  :D  Nobody has had a negative reaction - at least not one that they've shared with me!  So yeah - I just tend to blurt it out.  I figure if anyone has a consistently bad reaction, that's my clue that I really don't need them in my life.

I basically have one relative left, and he's no longer in my life, so I don't have any blood family to consider.  My "found family" is super supportive of each other, so while I knew one of them would be scared of me having surgery, I also knew she'd back me up 100% - and she has.  I also had a very good environment at work - I work in health care, and my great-grand-boss had just had WLS the previous year and was also super supportive. I'm pretty open about it there, too.  I even told my one horrible coworker that I swore I'd never tell - because it was just too hard not to, when basically everybody else at work knew.

I know family makes it tougher - so many people here have had to weather negative reactions from family, I would not presume to give any advice on how to deal with them.  You know best how your family is likely to respond, and I totally support you in doing whatever you can to insulate yourself from negativity.  (For instance, I am not sure I ever would have told my mom - I loved her immensely, but she would have given me hell about it, and I probably couldn't have stood up to her about it.  She was one tough lady!)

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@Charles' Princess @Kio

Painful when family are so negative and unsupportive. <<Empathy>>. Reminds me of stories from @slars04 and her mother (she lives in Outer Suburbia, a place I think similar to Outer Slobovenia from the comic strips, and for whom I have pined to hear her voice). <<Empathy>>. You have to do the things that allow you to move forward with your life. <<Empathy>>. I'm lucky to have siblings who are supportive and a wife and son who are Supportive.

My parents are long gone (2002 and 2011) so I can only speculate as to their reactions. My mother could be coldly rational (when not narcissisticly self-centered) and my father was deeply supportive and empathetic. Both those elements lead me to think they might have been supportive. My mother had many challenges growing up and her demons were big and significant. Those demons might have led her astray in this; and my father's love and empathy make me think that he would have been there for me. So many of us have had well-meaning but ultimately negative or damaging interactions with family. 

<<Empathy>>

 

 

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11 hours ago, Charles' Princess said:

I haven't decided yet whether to have the surgery or not have it, and this is the reason. 

I hope this isn't the stumbling block for you! While there are some busybodies and nosey parkers to deal with occasionally, the deep personal pleasure I take in being my new me is about a million times worth it. I take up a few neurons worth of headspace in someone else's brain, but in my own brain, 100% of the neurons are happy and satisfied with my decision to do WLS and all of the positive outcomes I have enjoyed. 

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@Charles' Princess fwiw, the busybody stage only lasts so long and, honestly, the benefits of surgery SO outweigh any potential negative reactions or personal questions. I can honestly say that the positive reactions I’ve gotten to my weight loss (both from people who know I’ve had surgery and ones who don’t) have far outweighed any critical remarks. And the “critical” remarks, if you could even call them that, were from my very best friends giving me honest feedback about being (legitimately, in their eyes) too skinny and the (very kindly stated) comments are said truly out of love (my besties & my dad all prefer me about 10 pounds heavier than my current weight while I’m thrilled to fit in a size zero). In your case, with the abusive history & toxic relationships, please don’t let dysfunctional relationships get in the way if you taking care of yourself. Your decision about whether to have surgery should be based on what’s best for you. Not the opinions or reactions of people who’ve caused more harm than good in your life. You don’t owe them any information, an explanation or anything else. You do you.

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On 8/30/2018 at 12:58 PM, Charles' Princess said:

  I haven't decided yet whether to have the surgery or not have it, and this is the reason.  ... It's a never ending battle with my siblings.  My parents have passed on, but it is time for me to cut the apron strings, too.  I am the youngest of ten children, but I am no longer a child.  I am a grandmother!  It's time to cut them loose, blow up that bridge and never look back.  I intend to enjoy my life and as long as I keep looking backwards at all the abuse and trauma I have been through, I won't enjoy it fully.  I have decided to cut all ties with my whole family.  Block them on Facebook and block their numbers from my phone, etc.  That may be extreme, but in my case, the abuse was extreme and all of us have issues and it is keeping me from moving forward with what God has in store for me.  

  So, whether I have surgery or not, ,my family and so called friends will never know, and frankly, it's nobody's business but mine.  Hope this helps you to know that you are not the only one who feels this way.  I wish you the best!!!  Go with God and do what you need to do for your body and health.  

Jeepers, I missed the forest for the trees in your post. 

You are a crystallization of the universe. Be true to yourself. Your BMI is over 40 and the health issues will catch up with you if they have not already. Statistically you will die early and after suffering from conditions like diabetes, hypertension, heart failure or obesity-related cancers, which make your life miserable. WLS offers a very successful route to weight loss, and dieting does not. If you want/need to jettison the extended family to keep your head clear, do it. Many of us have family or friends that don't get the essential need to lose weight so we can be healthy. Many of us have emotional trauma around being obese and being blamed, shamed, and held out to dry. If this is your path, so be it. You'll get support here. This is a support site, not a Facebook judgmental blah blah place. Lots of people posting here have had unsupportive spouses, parents, children, friends. They found support here. Perhaps you have some friends or extended family who can be there with you, perhaps not, but let me suggest to you that if you decide against surgery because of the possible reactions of the people around you - then they have "won." You need to win, as you put in your post, you need to win. 

Suggest you be very, very cold-blooded. Think about your health and the options to achieve that. I would suggest to you that with a BMI > 40 and WLS offering a high success rate for loss, you do it. IF it is your concern about being judged  that clouds this decision -> remove the potential for being judged. Then make the cold-blooded, "what will extend my life" calculation. With empathy, with empathy, with empathy, think about yourself and what will extend your life. You have grandchildren?...

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On 8/28/2018 at 5:03 PM, Ro_Bro said:

Now that I am preparing to have WLS I told a few trusted friends, including my two pastors. Today one of my pastors started saying, Maybe you don't need the surgery. You are looking great".

Now I have lost only about 10 pounds, but I have also been sprucing myself up with a few sets of nice work clothes, a facial every other week, and am really happy about my commitment to getting healthy. I was annoyed with him. I didn't say anything except, "Thank you." but I am anticipating much attention as I am a leader in my church and at work

Any feedback is welcome!

Just an FYI, my husband is a pastor and is a total believer in the surgery.  He’d never recommend it to anyone that hasn’t tried anything and failed over and over first but he knows it works and is supportive of it 100%!   I am also am a leader at my church but I didn’t tell anyone about my surgery because I am pretty private and I didn’t want the judgement and questions and I really haven’t faced any of that, regardless of my 80+ pound weight loss.  I had about 5 ppl ask me what i was doing to lose weight (to which I say that I do very low carb, high protein and lots of activity (all true) and 1 that asked if i had WLS (which I wanted to slap him bc I was so shocked!). Anyway, my point is, everyone’s journey is different but I chose not to tell anyone (and I changed jobs 3 months ago so they don’t even know i was fat previously!) but I also wanted you to know that not every person or every pastor is against WLS :)

ps i suppose your pastor doesn’t want you to “risk” the surgery if you can lose weight without it....but i also imagine he has never had a weight issue bc only those of us who have struggled for years really get the desperation behind it!

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