LouisianaLady

This mad, mad, crazy world....

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Hi everyone!  I know that I have not been around much lately and for good reason.  Life has taken a turn that has left me reeling.  So much has happened in the past six months, so let me catch everyone up to speed.

My husband and I have separated because he can no longer “live in the chaos and drama” that is our home.  He and our daughter do not get along at all anymore.  Well, actually, that’s not true.  Now that he is no longer living in the house, they are getting along better.  He does not have to view her messes or deal with her smart mouth.  Of course, I still live with her (sorta kinda), so I get to deal with it daily.  As most of you know, he is a pastor, so Ashton and I are viewed as ogres because we must have done something horribly wrong for him to not be living there.  I am gossiped about quite a lot, and everyone treats me differently at church.  That being said, I have stopped going.

Tony has a legal matter that we had to take care of as a result of his disciplining our daughter last September when she was still seventeen.  It got physical, and the cops were called because she threw him to the floor in her rage (she’s a strong girl and outweighed him at the time).  Keep in mind that I had called the police three times in less than a year because of her behavior.  On the prior two occasions, the officers advised her that she was still under our authority, and she had to be compliant with our wishes.  They also told her that corporal punishment was legal in the state of Louisiana.  On the last call, the officer took issue with what the previous officers had told us, and they arrested Tony for Domestic Assault Battery.  Keep in mind that she had drawn blood on him, but they did not arrest her.  She begged them not to arrest him, but they did so anyway.  Over the past few months, we have had to hire an attorney to represent him (the money that cost would have bought me a beautiful diamond ring).  Thankfully, the District Attorney’s office agreed that it was not Domestic Abuse Battery and dropped the charges.  Thank goodness we could afford an attorney.  What do people do that afford one – yes, I know, they go to jail.  Our family is in counseling and has been since then.

As for me, I have taken on a lot more responsibilities at work.  Because of that, I find very little time to come to the website.  Because I work for the insurance office of a large school district, I stay very busy under normal circumstances.  Throw in the holidays, and it gets crazy.  We are off work for two weeks (yippee!), but when we come back, we come back to “OPEN ENROLLMENT.”  Add the fact that we lost an employee to retirement in the beginning of January and that I am the first person that people see when they come in our department, and you can only imagine how much my work volume has increased.  Add to all that my normal responsibilities (I handle the cancer and disability policies along with Tax Sheltered Annuities and send out Cobra notices for 5,000 people), and one can only imagine my stress level.  I have not dealt with the stress well to say the least.  At work, I am professional and caring, going the extra mile for every employee that walks in my office.  I work 9 hours a day (I do not take lunches because I don’t have time), so when I get home, I am DONE!  I veg on the couch and stare at old Netflix episodes of whatever show my daughter is hooked on at the moment.  My house has gone to hell.

Also in January came Mardi Gras season.  I was royalty this year for the Krewe of Akewa (you can friend us on FB at Akewa Minden Krewe to see my pics).  As royalty, I was a goddess, so I had to first attend coronations for all the other Krewes and then their Bals.  It’s a great honor to be royalty, but it becomes stressful when you have a function to go to every cotton picking weekend with some weekends holding as many as three Bals over the course of two days.  I rode in two parades which is the absolute most fun I think you can have.  Tony and Ashton rode with me and got along for the most part during the parades, but they did nothing to help me get our throws (beads, stuffed animals, moon pies, oatmeal pies, etc) purchased or loaded, so that was more stress.  I estimated we threw 5,200 strands of beads for one parade alone along with 10 lbs of “penny candy”, oatmeal pies, 100 stuffed animals, etc.  I was so glad when Ash Wednesday rolled around.  Oh, and they have asked me to be royalty again next season with the plan of me being queen in 2018.  Yes, I am already collecting stuff for the coming years.

Add to all this that my daughter had her sleeve surgery in December.  She has done great with it.  She has lost 64 lbs so far, and she is really looking and feeling much better.  She is, however, getting on my nerves now because she watches everything I put in my mouth (more on that later).  With this newfound confidence has come a newfound arrogance because she is now 18 and “an adult.”  She now treats me like I am her peer.  Her mouth is unbearable.  She knows it all.  I absolutely hate this phase because she is just like I was when I was her age (except I didn’t openly disrespect my parents – daddy would have worn out my butt with a 2” leather belt).  I remember talking back to my mother when I was 18, and she beat the he** out of me with a metal, slotted spoon.  I think back on it now, and I know I probably had it coming since I am seeing this side of Ashton.  About three weeks ago, it all came to a head when she in the words of her DNA donor “let her alligator mouth overload her hummingbird butt.”  She said something to me that could have been construed as a threat on my life, and I kicked her out of the house.  I told her to get out then and there.  It hurt me and I cried about it after she left, but I could not let her get away with talking to me that way anymore.  She still comes and goes from the house every day to feed and water her pets (or at least she’s supposed to but that does not always happen).  About two weeks ago I noticed her posting a picture of herself on FB, and I could tell she had taken it in my room while I was at work.  Also, some of my clothes (panties) had come up missing along with some of my cosmetics.  When I gathered up all the laundry that was in her bathroom and bedroom, I found my underwear (Ick!  I don’t share my toothbrush with anyone, and I am definitely not sharing my panties!), so I marched out to the local hardware store and bought a keyed lock to put on my bedroom door.  I now lock my door anytime I leave the house.  She is staying with her boyfriend’s parents and while I miss my sweet Ashton, I can’t say that I miss the Ashton she has become lately.  However, I love her every single day.  I will be glad when I am no longer "stupid" and become smart again in her eyes.

Now to the reality of what this has done to me.  I have gained 25 lbs in 6 months.  I know that food is an addiction for me, and I know that I turn to it when I am stressed.  In addition to that, I have been drinking alcohol.  I could honestly say before surgery that I had never been drunk.  I cannot say that anymore.  Not long after Tony left, I took my sleeping meds for the night, and I apparently lost my mind.  My doctor had me taking trazadone and temazepam at bedtime.  On one particular night, I took my sleeping meds and did not fall asleep right away.  I got up and get back in the living room and sat on the love seat to look at FB on my phone.  That’s the last thing that I remember.  Ashton filmed what happened next (and naturally she texted it to my husband which drove a deeper wedge between him and me).  Apparently I had a black out, got up from the couch, got out the vodka, and drank at least half a bottle’s worth before Ashton realized what was going on.  I then proceeded to drunk text my husband and drunk post on FB.  In the video, I am clearly awake and having a conversation with her, however, I have no recollection of it.  I am ashamed to say that up until the first of the month (the end of open enrollment at work), I was drinking pretty regularly.  While usually it was a large glass of wine, on more than one occasion it became a bottle of wine.  Add to that the chocolate M&Ms that I ate with the wine, and well, you can easily see how I have managed to gain 25 lbs so quickly.

Today is a new day.  While Tony is still not living at home, he did come home for several days while we experienced flooding last week (goggle Shreveport flood pictures).  On Monday, he went back to where he is staying because he's "paid rent for the month of March and doesn't want to waste it."  Ashton has become a little more humble, but she is still not living back at home.  I hired a personal trainer to beat up on me about my fitness, and I am back to logging my food in My Fitness Pal.  There is no alcohol in my house.  I have contacted my psychiatrist and she has put me on different sleeping meds.  I am coming here – back home – to report in and find the accountability that I need.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring.  Shoot, I don’t know right now what the next hour will bring.  I do, however, know that I can pray to my higher power and call on his name for strength.

I’m sorry this post is so incredibly long, but that’s where I am.  I will say that I have missed all of y’all.

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jesus, denise! that's a whole lot! you have all of my support, love and prayers in the world. i'm sorry you're dealing with such a bratty kid. and you're right... if it were you or me growing up - i would have had my butt handed to me on several occasions if i had such a smart aleck mouth.

and for the love of all that is good and holy - stop mixing alcohol and sleeping pills. people die that way. i'm serious. i messed up and mixed my wellbutrin with a glass of wine - YIKES. not a good look.

i know you're stronger than this. i know this, because you've offered encouragement in my time of need. i know things are crazy, but you can - and will - get your head back on straight.

i love you. if you ever need to just vent... call me. please. i can PM you my number. i'm a great listener.

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Oh man Denise. I'm glad you're back. Hang in here and stay connected. 

I really hope you are seeking some  help besides your psychiatrist. Do you have an EAP? My fellow sleeve co-worker used it to attend a behavior modification group. She found it insightful. 

I am cosigning Meredith. You have to stop taking sleeping meds and drinking. Recipe for disaster. I'm happy to hear all alcohol has been removed. 

Please remember to take care of yourself. You cannot control Tony and Ashton and their behaviors. You can only do you. You deserve better than all this mess. Hang in there pretty lady. 

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Sometimes I feel bad because my life is so boring.  But, I'm thinking boring may not be so bad :)

So very sorry you have to deal with all of this, and kudos to you for taking the steps needed to correct it.  At one time, I invited my daughter to leave (she says I kicked her out, but I like my version much better!) and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done as she ended up living in a women's homeless shelter for a short time (she didn't think I'd really do it) but it was also the best thing for her.  Kids are so much easier when they're small enough to put in timeout.  Cuter too. 

I am in absolute complete agreement that you must not ever combine alcohol and sleeping pills again!  Especially those 2 drugs which are older and have a long half-life.  Yikes!  Please be good to yourself, you deserve it!

Sorry that you're not getting good support at your church; this is when you need them most!  Please keep in touch here, there are a lot of caring people here for support!

 

 

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Oh, man. I have two 18 year old daughters, but they are awesome kids and a joy to have around. I am so sorry your parenting experience is so different. I was a mouthy teenager, but I never used profanity or even hinted at getting physical with anyone. I always thought my mom put up with a lot from me, but clearly not. 

If I recall correctly, the alcohol and sleeping pill incident was an accident. I'm glad, though, that you've gotten all the alcohol out if your house. You simply don't need it. And you are taking the right steps to get the food under control.

I'm glad you're seeing your psychiatrist, but it sounds like you could use more in-person support. We can lend you a virtual shoulder to cry on, but you sound like you need more than that.

Don't be a stranger. We're here for you to the degree we can be out here in cyberspace.

Be gentle and take good care of Denise.

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Wow!  Just breath!  Take it one minute at a time.  Easier said than done.  

Sounds like you are getting back on track.  I agree, ditch the alcohol.  There's nothing there for you.  And don't buy treats.  Buy apples (or some other fruit you like), jerky, Greek yogurt.  If it's just you at home, buy whatever you like that's good for you.  I have apples, Greek yogurt, and string cheese on hand all the time.  Also, the 100 calorie popcorn as a special indulgence.  For Easter treats; I bought candy everyone likes but I don't.  The grandkids are getting arts and crafts baskets, clothes and books.  The plastic eggs will have candy.  But I try and keep candy out of the house.  

With our youngest; I kicked him out of the house at 1:30 am because he just couldn't seem to grasp it was our house, our rules.  We eventually had to change the locks to keep him out.  Then, he found a way in and was crawling through a window (our daughter was watching our house) while we were on vacation.  It's just been the last year where he seems to have gotten himself together.  He will be 24 in June.  He actually called to tell me he loved me Monday.  Sometimes it just takes time for them to grow up.  

I hope things will eventually work out for you.  While you're going through it; there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Being a parent is not easy..

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Thanks for the support everyone.  I'm heading to bed.  Surely tomorrow will be a better day.

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16 minutes ago, LouisianaLady said:

Thanks for the support everyone.  I'm heading to bed.  Surely tomorrow will be a better day.

Sleep well. Goodnight.

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Holy moly!!! I'm so glad you just let it all out here. This is an excellent place to get emotional support!!!

I have a 19 yr old, almost 20 yr old daughter, and for a while, I didn't think I was going to survive her teenage years. I'm so glad that you've reached out and sought help with the sleeping pills/drinking...never a good mix, which I'm sure you know.

I have nothing else to add other than - stay strong and stick to your guns!

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I just wanted to say that wow you are going through a lot. That being said the key is "going through."  You are not stuck and it looks like in time it will get better.  Keep making postive choices and remember to take care of yourself.  Put you first and know that you are truly worthy of happiness!

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1 hour ago, LadyFl said:

I just wanted to say that wow you are going through a lot. That being said the key is "going through."  You are not stuck and it looks like in time it will get better.  Keep making postive choices and remember to take care of yourself.  Put you first and know that you are truly worthy of happiness!

This reminds me of my favorite saying that got me through a lot of rough times; I think it's been attributed to Winston Churchill.  "If you find yourself going through hell, for God's sake, keep going!"

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