Carnie

Loneliness

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I often feel like people don't like me.  I am a shy, quiet person who doesn't like to draw any attention to myself.  I've always been afraid to put myself out there.  In my personal life I really don't have any friends, like people who come to my house to hang out or have friends who want to go places with me or have a girls day out.  My life since marriage has been devoted to my husband and kids.  Even when my kids were little I found it hard to find moms with kids the same age that wanted to be friends.  It was always me who had to make contact to do something, they never called me and after a while I got tired of being that person and felt the other mom(s) didn't want to be friends so I gave up.   Last year I tried doing a couple things with a mom of a girl that my daughter is friends with and on the way home she made a nasty remark about my daughter and I haven't spoken to her since.  I won't be friends with someone who feels the way she does about my child.

In my work it's the same way.  There are the groups that eat lunch together, go to the mall etc.  I'm never included in anything, ever.  Even the new people that get hired seem to turn away from me and only are nice to me when they want something.  There are a couple coworkers who will talk to me, 1 had surgery a while ago and we kind of have that bond, but she's never going to ask me to hang out after work or anything like that.  The relationship is strictly work related.

I'm not a witch, I'm actually a nice person.  I treat people with respect and mind my own business.  I think because I do keep so quiet people forget that I'm around.  Even those I work with have no idea of the knowledge I have because I'm pushed off into the background and discarded.  When I try to speak up and state something of fact during a meeting for example, they ignore what I say.  Then one of my coworkers who has been dubbed the know it all, says the exact same thing I just said and they all pat her on the back for it.  Makes a person feel worthless after a while.

I try to make changes and be more outgoing but it's not me, I'm just not the type to be something I'm not.  It's so hard being lonely.  The sad thing is when my son graduated high school I invited people to his party that we knew (parents of my sons friends and few from the community we knew) and other than close family, 1 person showed up and that was my neighbor.  How sad is that.  

Seeing everyones group pictures on facebook when they get together is so upsetting.  I wish to be able to have a life rich with friends like that.  Now, I feel like all I have is my husband, kids, mom and sisters.  I've already told my husband when I die, whenever that is, no funeral, no calling hours (nobody would come anyway).  I know this is coming out as if I'm depressed.  I don't dwell on these feelings all the time but it's part of my life.  I take happiness in making my family happy and loving them.  Just yesterday I had someone tell me that I have a wonderful daughter.  That means a lot...for everything else that's not balanced in my life...those words help.

Thanks for letting me pour my heart out 

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18 minutes ago, Carnie said:

.......

In my work it's the same way.  There are the groups that eat lunch together, go to the mall etc.  I'm never included in anything, ever.  Even the new people that get hired seem to turn away from me and only are nice to me when they want something.  There are a couple coworkers who will talk to me, 1 had surgery a while ago and we kind of have that bond, but she's never going to ask me to hang out after work or anything like that.  The relationship is strictly work related.

........

Why not take the bull by the horns and ask your coworker(s) to join you for lunch, early supper, movie or whatever.

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I agree with Cinwa. Ask a couple of people to do something and see what they say! And, don't pay too much attention to facebook. Frequently what you see on facebook is people's best version of themselves. I do it too. I only post pictures where I look good and I'm having fun. I don't post when I'm mad at my husband or my mom hurt my feelings. 

 

 

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Except for the actually feeling lonely piece (which has been true in the past), I could have written your post. I don't have time to comment now, but I wanted to share right away that I empathize.

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I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Quite honestly, I'm really outgoing and find it easy to talk to people. I have "friends", lots of them.

but I don't feel like I have very close, meaningful relationships. It bothers me. I always did my whole life, until I moved to Colorado 5 years ago. I have nothing in common with the moms in the neighborhood. Most don't work and I feel like they look down on me because I do. I don't do school drop off or pick up, so have no opportunity to meet people. I can't remember the last time I had a girls day/night.

but like you, my family makes me happy, and I spend most of my time with them (outside of work). To me, it just is what it is. Sometimes I wish it were different and sometimes I'm glad it's this way. The older I get, the less patience I have for drama :)

anyway, I do think there are more people in your situation than you would think. 

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I would bet you're more liked than you realize. I'm also reserved by nature and have never had a big group of friends. I do, though, have a best friend. She's been my bff since we were 9 years old. She's always surprised when I tell her some of the same things you mention because from her perspective "everybody always" likes me. I'm sorry you feel lonely. Do you belong to a church or social organization?  Do your kids play sports or music?  Do you have hobbies? Others have given you good advice. I was throwing those questions out as places where you might be able to make friends. Good luck. 

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Okay, now I have the headroom to give a real response. I know how you feel with the loneliness. I'm not there now, but I have been in the past. I thought there was now way I would ever have a family, even though that's what I wanted more than anything in the entire world, because I never seemed to be able to connect with people who wanted to truly, deeply connect with me. People pass through my life. I have one best friend in the entire world, and it's been close to a decade since we spoke. Otherwise, I don't maintain long term connections.

My family is the center of my life, and that makes me happy. I have come to accept that I'm not a social butterfly, and I never will be. I'm very likeable, but I simply can't keep up with the complexities of social interaction. I have experienced exactly what you're talking about at work where I throw out a great idea, nobody bites, and then someone else says the same thing, and all of a sudden it's the greatest idea ever. It's tough, and my lack of ability to think fast, think out loud, and hold my own in a rapid verbal exchange is becoming my professional undoing. And it's really sad, because I'm really smart, and I have really good ideas, but I don't have the presence to lead on the fly. I am that #2 that the born leader can count on to make things happen, and make them happen right. But that doesn't seem to be what's valued. Gosh, I'm getting a little misty thinking about it. Most of the time I'm fine and happy and forge forward, and even when I'm bothered by the way my nature holds me back, I rarely let it get to me.

Hang in there. 

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Hi Carnie - sorry to hear you are going through this and feel this way. But, Duff is here to tell you that things will be getting better. They already are. You are becoming healthier and happier and as you continue to do so, your confidence will improve. I made a post several months ago talking about what I had noticed. I do not think that people treat me differently because I lost weight and look different. They treat me different because I am different. I smile more, I hold my head high and I am confident. I never realized that what I considered to be quiet was more like I was non social to others. I was cold, I was afraid to smile and afraid to put myself out there. You will get there, do not push things just yet, let your smile and the "New" Carnie slowly take control of her destiny.

You can do this, there are many of us that were in the same position as you are, we are all in this together. You will be a Happy Carnie - it is happening every day , you are just starting to realize the changes.

congrats on your success so far, am Happy for you!

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10 hours ago, Dunndeal said:

I would bet you're more liked than you realize. I'm also reserved by nature and have never had a big group of friends. I do, though, have a best friend. She's been my bff since we were 9 years old. She's always surprised when I tell her some of the same things you mention because from her perspective "everybody always" likes me. I'm sorry you feel lonely. Do you belong to a church or social organization?  Do your kids play sports or music?  Do you have hobbies? Others have given you good advice. I was throwing those questions out as places where you might be able to make friends. Good luck. 

Thank you!  I actually don't belong to a church.  I have often thought about going though.  My kids used to play sports, they are older now, but even then we were the parents sitting by ourselves.  Our community is very small, tight knit .  It's hard to break into the groups for social interaction.  I've tried so many times and get pushed to the side.  So much that I just give up and sat alone at sporting events etc. 

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10 hours ago, WendyH said:

Okay, now I have the headroom to give a real response. I know how you feel with the loneliness. I'm not there now, but I have been in the past. I thought there was now way I would ever have a family, even though that's what I wanted more than anything in the entire world, because I never seemed to be able to connect with people who wanted to truly, deeply connect with me. People pass through my life. I have one best friend in the entire world, and it's been close to a decade since we spoke. Otherwise, I don't maintain long term connections.

My family is the center of my life, and that makes me happy. I have come to accept that I'm not a social butterfly, and I never will be. I'm very likeable, but I simply can't keep up with the complexities of social interaction. I have experienced exactly what you're talking about at work where I throw out a great idea, nobody bites, and then someone else says the same thing, and all of a sudden it's the greatest idea ever. It's tough, and my lack of ability to think fast, think out loud, and hold my own in a rapid verbal exchange is becoming my professional undoing. And it's really sad, because I'm really smart, and I have really good ideas, but I don't have the presence to lead on the fly. I am that #2 that the born leader can count on to make things happen, and make them happen right. But that doesn't seem to be what's valued. Gosh, I'm getting a little misty thinking about it. Most of the time I'm fine and happy and forge forward, and even when I'm bothered by the way my nature holds me back, I rarely let it get to me.

Hang in there. 

I guess you and I are very alike Wendy.  I have such a hard time talking to people.  I don't know what to say.  I've always felt inferior because of my size.  It's amazing for the size I am/was, I could be so easily overlooked.  I'm glad that I have my family, they mean so much to me and no matter what they are there for me.

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1 hour ago, duffman27 said:

Hi Carnie - sorry to hear you are going through this and feel this way. But, Duff is here to tell you that things will be getting better. They already are. You are becoming healthier and happier and as you continue to do so, your confidence will improve. I made a post several months ago talking about what I had noticed. I do not think that people treat me differently because I lost weight and look different. They treat me different because I am different. I smile more, I hold my head high and I am confident. I never realized that what I considered to be quiet was more like I was non social to others. I was cold, I was afraid to smile and afraid to put myself out there. You will get there, do not push things just yet, let your smile and the "New" Carnie slowly take control of her destiny.

You can do this, there are many of us that were in the same position as you are, we are all in this together. You will be a Happy Carnie - it is happening every day , you are just starting to realize the changes.

congrats on your success so far, am Happy for you!

Thank you!  I hope that I can build some confidence with this weight loss.  I do agree that I probably come off as non social because I keep to myself so much.  I'm feeling better about myself little by little, takes a long time to get over years of insecurities.  Thanks again!

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You've been given lots of great advice. I want to add regarding talking to people and knowing what to say - most extroverts out there love to talk about themselves (myself included!) Introverts are frequently drawn to me (I married one) because I can talk on and on about anything or nothing and they don't feel pressure to talk. While I'm an extrovert, I'm also initially shy so I try to tell people funny stories where I am the butt of the joke to break the ice. Like the time I ran off the road while I was checking myself out in the rearview mirror. Or the time an online florist goofed up my mother-in-law's birthday box of flowers. It arrived 4 days late and they were all dead as she lives in the desert and it was summer. She thought I'd ordered them dead on purpose. With stories like this I feel like I'm making a connection, showing my sense of humor but not sharing anything that makes me feel vulnerable. 

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I've always had a tendency to collect unique, highly skilled, and interesting people, people who are very different from each other. I suppose it's because I admire people with talents different from my own, and I enjoy learning from them. 

As to being lonely, I get that too, only one of my childhood friends is still alive, we stay in touch, but only see each other every ten years or so because he doesn't live close by. What I get lonely about is being unable to share new experiences or common interests with all those people who are now missing from my life. It's a large number of people, 25-30. It can be rough, although as I get older, I'm much more willing to strike up conversations with total strangers I meet on the street, at the post office, or in stores. I always had trouble with this when I was young.

Edited by tmcgee

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On 2/10/2016 at 0:58 PM, Carnie said:

I often feel like people don't like me.  I am a shy, quiet person who doesn't like to draw any attention to myself.  I've always been afraid to put myself out there.  In my personal life I really don't have any friends, like people who come to my house to hang out or have friends who want to go places with me or have a girls day out.  My life since marriage has been devoted to my husband and kids.  Even when my kids were little I found it hard to find moms with kids the same age that wanted to be friends.  It was always me who had to make contact to do something, they never called me and after a while I got tired of being that person and felt the other mom(s) didn't want to be friends so I gave up.   Last year I tried doing a couple things with a mom of a girl that my daughter is friends with and on the way home she made a nasty remark about my daughter and I haven't spoken to her since.  I won't be friends with someone who feels the way she does about my child.

In my work it's the same way.  There are the groups that eat lunch together, go to the mall etc.  I'm never included in anything, ever.  Even the new people that get hired seem to turn away from me and only are nice to me when they want something.  There are a couple coworkers who will talk to me, 1 had surgery a while ago and we kind of have that bond, but she's never going to ask me to hang out after work or anything like that.  The relationship is strictly work related.

I'm not a witch, I'm actually a nice person.  I treat people with respect and mind my own business.  I think because I do keep so quiet people forget that I'm around.  Even those I work with have no idea of the knowledge I have because I'm pushed off into the background and discarded.  When I try to speak up and state something of fact during a meeting for example, they ignore what I say.  Then one of my coworkers who has been dubbed the know it all, says the exact same thing I just said and they all pat her on the back for it.  Makes a person feel worthless after a while.

I try to make changes and be more outgoing but it's not me, I'm just not the type to be something I'm not.  It's so hard being lonely.  The sad thing is when my son graduated high school I invited people to his party that we knew (parents of my sons friends and few from the community we knew) and other than close family, 1 person showed up and that was my neighbor.  How sad is that.  

Seeing everyones group pictures on facebook when they get together is so upsetting.  I wish to be able to have a life rich with friends like that.  Now, I feel like all I have is my husband, kids, mom and sisters.  I've already told my husband when I die, whenever that is, no funeral, no calling hours (nobody would come anyway).  I know this is coming out as if I'm depressed.  I don't dwell on these feelings all the time but it's part of my life.  I take happiness in making my family happy and loving them.  Just yesterday I had someone tell me that I have a wonderful daughter.  That means a lot...for everything else that's not balanced in my life...those words help.

Thanks for letting me pour my heart out 

I feel the exact same way

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