Jolls

The reasons and the confessions

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734 steps.

 

It takes 734 steps to go around the walking track at work.  This is roughly 6.5 minutes worth of walking.  3 years ago I could not complete this walk fully, my lower back couldn't hack the full loop and I had to duck back into work to sit down; hot, in pain, tired and out of breathe.

 

This last week while making my 5th loop around the track during just my lunch break I thought back and remembered this time and, coupled with my re-dedication initiative, use this to remind myself how far I have come.

 

I started the pre-op process at 428 pounds.  Day of surgery I was 389 pounds.  I lost 168lbs in my first year after the sleeve, putting me at 221lbs.  I hit my lowest weight 14 months post op of 194.2 lbs.  That was June 11th 2014 @ 194.2 lbs, June 15th I was 196.2, June 16th back down to 195.2, June 17th, 196.8 where it stalled for a few days and has, for the most part, been pretty slowly ounce by ounce increasing since then.  Today Aug 30, 2015 I am 236.4 lbs.

 

So that is 42.2 lbs about I have gained in my 2nd year post sleeve.   How does this happen?

 

I can blame some on emotions, meds, change -  but bottom line regardless of the causes, it what I have eaten.  What I'm eating, how often I'm eating, and how much I'm not moving.  I went from someone that walked at minimum 1hr every day and gym 3x a week to now, basically doing nothing at all.   Its not that I'm just sitting around watching tv all day every day;  but I'm not doing any of they physical "exercise" my body was used to me doing that first year post op.    This is not even trying to claim that exercise is the key -  I am just saying, my body for a full year was used to this level of activity which I virtually just stopped doing.  Bodies don't like change either.  Plus had I kept up the exercise, at least it would have off set at least some of the garbage I was eating. 

 

My biggest issue is the eating.  And for a long time that was "easy" and really good.  I never was super strict with my diet that honeymoon phase.  I was really really good yes, but I didn't totally forbid things.  I'm talking about a piece of toast maybe once a month -  some cookies at Christmas -  a bite of pie here and there - 1/2 c icecream once in a blue moon - favorite pasta dish twice in an entire year;   stuff like that.

 

At some point that changed though;  I like to consider it when the honeymoon ended.  My thoughts changed almost over night and like a flip being switched.   And my biggest problem is boredom eating - and since I have monotonous deskjob, work is the biggest issue.   And since I work 8-12 hours a day, its a large portion of my dedication to NOT trying to eat due to boredom.  I can't make work any funner or more exciting.  I can just get up and walk away for a while and do something else.....  I have to sit there and do my job.  Again, until the honeymoon ended this really was not an issue.  I was completely fine with work and with working from home;  with easy access to food.  But when the mental switch flipped, it became a huge and grand struggle, to work from home.

 

Sleeve is still in there doing its job;  I can't eat a ton of stuff at one time.  But I sure can graze/pick at stuff all day long and there is where the bulk of the issue lays.  The further along I went and the farther I derailed myself, the worse my eating choices in general got.  Back to eating 2pc bread sandwhiches?  Yes....  oh that was really good so in 2 hours have another?  Sure.   How about a bag of chips we plan on 'portioning out'.  No...how about you just pick at that bag of chips until you have eventually finished it over the course of the day.  Those frozen pizzas in the freezer?  Having a piece is perfectly fine -  but how about we have 1 piece every 2 hours and so you have now eaten the entire pizza in one day. 

 

I was basically back to how I was prior to surgery.  While I no longer was eating a whole pizza in just one sitting -   I can still slowly eat it over the course of the day.  Same goes for any other food you want to substitute in place of pizza.  It can even be something "good"!   One day I just sat and picked at a 16oz bag of cheese curds all day.   Cheese is good -  I use cheese for snacks very very often.  But eating 16 servings of cheese in one day?  That is 1760 calories.

 

Even worse then this, I feel, is another pre-surgery thing that came back was the sneak eating.   My BF works out of town 1-2 nights per week.  I would make him a pan of brownies, send some off to work with him;  then proceed to finish the pan at some point in time and make another one before he got back home and knew.  I was in the habit of buying him a $.99 piece of pie when I went grocery shopping;  I'd often have 1 bite of it with him, no biggie..... but if it was in there and he knew it but didn't eat it -  and then he is gone for work so I do.... then I have to go back to the store to get another so he doesn't know.

 

This is beyond stupid behavior because HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.  He wouldn't CARE if I ate his piece of pie or box of brownies or whatever.  So it is just soooooooo stupid that I was even doing stuff like this!   I didn't want him to know I did this though, hence the shame and hiding.

 

So yeah,  there is a snapshot of how you can gain back weight even after WLS.  Grazing and eating utter crap.   All things I KNOW I shouldn't do and preach about not doing.  So yes, I also feel like a gigantic hypocrite.

 

So September is the beginning of my official re-dedication to doing what I am supposed to be doing.

 

I have completed the 5-day pouch test successfully.  I made myself work in the office all week in order to accomplish this because I can't trust myself at home.  At work all I had was what I brought and really it wasn't that bad.  I think because I so very infrequently work in the office, it was mentally good as well because it was 'new' and 'different'.  I plan on doing this more (work in the office);  perhaps once a month;  just to keep things hopefully fresh.   I've also spoke with my supervisor and she is good with me just randomly coming in whenever -  like lets say on Monday I am struggling to keep my face out of the fridge....I can just pick up and go to the office.  She has had WLS herself (lapband and then bypass) and has still gained all her weight back, so she understands where I am coming from and why "I need to work in the office so I don't eat" is actually a concept that is sane and makes sense.

 

I have been walking every day at least 30 min for the last two weeks.  Every day -  even they days it is storming and raining out.  Even when I don't feel like it and can't make myself get out there until 10:30pm.  I had 63.420 steps Mon-Friday this last week.   Working in the office did help as well:  I walked on my lunch break and my regular breaks and after work.  The 2 days of liquids only sent me literally every 30 min to the bathroom and I almost always went to the far bathroom in the office.  I parked at the far end of the parking lot, etc.   I plan to keep this momentum going while back at home again:  walking on either my lunch or regular breaks;  if not both  (at home I often do things like laundry, mow lawn, run to post office so sometimes it depends what else I have going on).  And continueing to walk at some point after work.

 

I need/plan to get back into the habit of pre-planning all my meals and snacks like I did that first year after surgery.  I HAD to do that for this 5 day pouch test since I was in the office working and it went really well.  I think I'm going to go so far as to even prepare/box up what I plan as if I was going to the office even.   This include my water -  I need to start filling my 56oz Bubba before I had down to work so it is always there.  Before this, I'd go upstairs to fill it but end up grazing on something instead.  If the 56oz mug is with me, I have no reason to go up to the kitchen.

 

I have found, during the 5DPT, that I still have acid issues.  One night when I was still on liquids I even had GERD and it came up and burned my throat;  that hasn't happened in forever.  I didn't think I had acid issue anymore and I don't know what about the 5DPT riled it up, but I am going back to taking at least 1 Pepcid a day for a while. 

 

I found, during the 5DPT that really low carb does not work for me.  This 5DPT was hard for me;  not physically eating or hunger wise, but the lack of carbs was quite noticeable.  I really don't think it was a 'withdrawl' thing either because I was fine until after dinner usually and then I just felt "off".   I didn't really feel 'bad' but I didn't feel good either.  I tried to stick just to the dense proteins as they suggest instead of sliders (even though it is allowed) but that one day I just needed something so I had a yogurt w/ chia seeds and felt tons better after that.  So I've found that *my body* does need some carbs....  I'm not saying a piece of bread carbs,  just that really low carb is not going to work for me at this time.   My carbs have been 50 or under all week/weekend, but those 30 or less days were really hard for me.

 

Spoke with BF and things need to be different for at least a while.  I plan on being strict with my diet this time around.  No 'just a bite' of this & that primarily, which means there are things that need to be out of the house for a while.  I won't be baking for making/buying treats for a while.  He is out of the house enough for work he can buy these things on his own while out there.  Certain things can no longer be in the house such as chips;  which means no nachos for him for a while.  He is a candy-holic and the only thing I can't seem to stay out of is licorice so while he can have candy still;  no licorice in the house.   There are a list of other things/rules we went over.  I informed him this wont' be forever, but it will be until I can get a better grasp on myself  (which I assume is not forever).   If there is something he has a hanquering for on the weekend, that is fine.  He is home and as long as he can eat whatever it is before he goes to work on Monday, I am fine with that.  Its when I'm all alone that is the issue so this weekend when he sat and ate his bag of licorice;  I am fine with that.  I just don't want it here on Monday when I'm alone all day again.  So he can still have his treats and things I won't want around -  as long as they are all gone again come Monday!

 

I need to work on slowing down when eating.  And by this I don't so much mean with meals, but with snacks.  For some reason I take my time with meals, but shovel the snacks in.  That cheese I love - is now individually bagged in 1oz portions.  No more just shoveling it, take the time with it;  cause that is all I'm getting!

 

I must portion and measure better.  Again meals are not so much the issue, I do pretty well with measuring all that (always meat) although I have gotten lax on measuring things like condiments or cheese.  I want to work on that a bit more, just to make sure my "eyeballing" is within reason.  I need to portion out snacks or anything "quick grab" and not just take the bag with me.  I try to keep most things that are just grab and go out of the house as it is anyway, but there is still stuff I keep on hand (like cheese, pork rinds, jerky).

 

Its time to get back in the gym.  Walking is still my choice of exercise, I want the gym for muscle tone.  I am amazed how different I look, feel, clothes look etc in the 5 or 6 months since I stopped going to the gym.  Its not the added weight either, I can totally tell certain things its the lack of muscle definition I once had.  I will be starting this on Tuesday, Sept 1. 

 

Lastly and even more importantly, working more on the mental aspects.  I NEED to eat better, I NEED to exercise (or just move if you want to call it).  I need to stop using excuses to not do these things.  I don't always feel like taking a shower - but I still do it anyway.  I'm running late and have no time to stop for that red light - but I have to stop at it.   I need to starting thinking of diet and exercise in these same regards.   I'm 36 years old, when I think about having 30, 40, 50 YEARS left of struggle to "behave" it is very very very daunting.   But its a reality I need to start coming more to terms with.   I need to remind myself when I wake up - no matter how fat or flabby I feel that day - I am not 428lbs anymore.  I DID do this once - I can do it again, I can do it 428 more times if need be. 

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Jolls, you are very brave. Thanks for sharing this. It helps to express our struggles, I know it was cathartic when I did recently.

We are all behind you.

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Wow, talk about running around naked... Wishing you the best, Jolls!

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Kudos to you for posting about your struggles Jolls.  That must have taken a lot of courage but if anyone can turn this around, you can.

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Yay Jolls! You've got this; one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Good luck!

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I love your honesty! To be honest being presurgery this is what I need to hear so that I learn to use my honeymoon to truly change my eating and lifestyle. Maintenance is far more daunting than the surgery itself. Thank you for sharing...your awesome!

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Thanks Jolls for bearing your inner most thoughts. I think everyone on this forum can relate to your post, whether past or present. I know we all offer support to you and each other and care so very much.

If you're ever down this way, we have a great group of TT'ers that gathers monthly and would love to schedule a gathering around your time in the twin cities!

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Wow! You got it in order. Let' s all do this together. One day at a time.  Thank you for sharing.

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I have a ton of respect for you, Jolls.  It takes guts to put it all out there like that, sometimes even to just admit things that honestly to yourself.  I'm pretty new here, so I don't "know" you very well yet. But it seems to me that you're pretty scrappy and determined and you'll fight your way through this.  

 

I really find a lot of pearls of wisdom in your posts, and I look forward to watching you kick butt!

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I can echo what others said, even being new it's good for me to hear such honesty- because I need to know that this isn't an easy fix that will be 'over' in a year or two and then I can go 'back' to how I ate before. And I SO relate to the 'shame' of hiding- replacing foods- that horrible addiction to overeating that overcomes us sometimes. It's hard to be vigilant all the time,but it is what we have to do-just one day at a time, though. You've done the hard part, you've got this.

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Even though I never thought of WLS as an easy fix, I guess I still in the back of my mind had the notion that somehow it would just be better.  Which I also probably should have seen coming cause this happened to me with diabetes too.  They say I'm diabetic - I go to classes and learn to count carbs and change my eating habits and even start exercising a bit.  My diabetes is in remission - I can control it with diet and exercise.  As some point the "I have controlled it" turned into "I have beat it" therefore I can do what I want and I'll be fine.  This was not the case.  It got worse and going back to diet/exercise couldn't control it anymore and they wanted to put me on meds - hence the final push to WLS.

 

I think it kind of became the same line of thinking after the sleeve.  I did great during the honeymoon - I lost a ton and I ate 90% of the time on plan, I exercised....I think I kind of just thought I "fixed" myself and I had this food thing beat.  I never really prepared for that mental flip  (which really how can you - cause whos to say it will ever happen or even when).  And then just let it snowball from there instead of trying to gain control again.  "Hoping" it was the new relationship fault, "hoping" it was the birth control fault blah blah blah.  I never fully blamed these things but I never fully accepted responsibility either.  Perhaps these types of things made it worse/more difficult but ultimately it still comes down to me and my choices.

 

One other thing I wanted to add to my 'plan' is no more grocery shopping when home alone.  (I don't mean in the store alone, just so there is someone in the house when I go home).  There are 4 to 5 other days I can do it and he is here -  knowing he is at home waiting will prevent me from buying things and hiding it.

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Hey there jolls

Edited by Magic_t98

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Jolls, You have analyzed your situation.. You know what needs to be done, and that's half the battle. You will succeed!!!

Something that helps me when I get a taste for something sweet is "Swiss Miss" has "diet Hot Chocolate" packets that are 25 calories and by the time I finish my cup then I have no desire for anything sweet.

I also believe that getting a hobby of some type, can keep a person's mind busy enough that eating out of boredom, won't happen as easy. Jolls, You are a very good writer, maybe you should think about writing a book about your weight loss journey. It could help a lot of people.

Cheyenne

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jolls,

i work from home as well and it does get monotonous at times. up until this last surgery i went to the gym at noon if i started getting antsy. Alan doesnt need junk around the house any more than i do, so it doent come in the house.

i will admit ive gone as far as buying something i knew i shouldnt eat, take a bite and flush the rest down the stool. ive even been known to flush the whole thing because by the time i got home if talked myself out of eating it. flushing it gets it out of my head that its there, so i should eat it.

i applaud your honesty and the ability to make your post.

hang in there.

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After reading this, I find myself AGAIN thinking how strong and brave the people are who post on here. It's a really incredible thing to share the challenges you face. It's also powerful to open yourself up to others. Thank you for being generous enough to share yourself with us!

You can do this!!

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I don't post often but I just wanted to say what an inspiration you are to this board.  Your honesty is truly refreshing.  I am 8 months out and I am beginning to see the struggle of maintaining this lifestyle for the rest of my life.  That being said, I am trying my best. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope we all can be there for you as you have been there for us!

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Jolls, your ability to be honest and transparent in your journey and struggles continues to amaze and inspire me. Thank you for being here; I know you can and will ultimately succeed.

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Thank you Jolls. You are truly an inspiration. Your words about diabetes are how I feel about my weight issues. I am controlling it. I know I haven't beaten it.

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Thanks for sharing. Honesty, not perfection, is what makes us really helpful to each other.

Best.............

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Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you've been through a lot in your journey but are still fighting through it and winning. Keep going! Your story is very inspiring and helpful!

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Hi Jolls,

I came on the TT today because I have been struggling with slowed weight loss and was looking for posts to tell me it is because of the added weight training I've been doing. I came across your honest, brave and inspiring post and it was a huge wake up call. It was actually spooky I felt lik eyou were talking directly to me - saying waht I needed to say to myself. Actually what has been in my head for the last few weeks but wasn't willing to listen to that little voice. I am only 6 months post op and have lost 100 lbs since starting my journey, but I know the eating has gotten easier so I am taking full advantage of that. I too work from home and find myself grazing more during the day. I will justify it to myself like you did with the whole pizza thing. I still can't eat big or even average meals, but I sure have taken 3 meals and two snacks to more like 3 meals and 6 snacks :(  and not the best snacks either! I too will work to get back on track and will look for updates and inspiration from you.

You - I - We can do this!!

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Thank you so much for sharing your struggles.   I've been under a lot of stress for the last couple of months, and have turned to food for comfort.   Your post was a wake up call to what can and will happen if I don't get my head together.   Your honesty is so helpful.  Just wanted you to know I'm rooting for you, and I know you can beat this.  

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Jolls, I know that wasn't fun to write or post, but I want to thank you with all my heart.  You can't know what a gift that post was for me.

 

I know I'm just under two months out, but this is my story.  I work at home.  I eat what they bring in and mask it as necessary.  My stress and busyness have eclipsed my physical activity, it's like I shook of the surgery and moved on.  I work one afternoon a week at a ceramic studio (for free, to support my bisque habit), and I've set up my desk there to get away from foodland, but I still have trouble if I don't remember to put my lunch box in the other room.

 

I feel cheated even writing this, but I guess I need to accept that my honeymoon was 7 1/2 weeks long.  There's nothing I can't eat except bagels, tortillas, or more than 2 eggs in any 8 hour period.  

 

Anyway, I see that I'm being inarticulate, but thank you, thank you, thank you.  I feel a bit less like the hairy wart on the face of this board.

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Jolls,

 

This is the reality that so many will face, and feeling like you can be honest here, and find support...isn't THAT what this forum is all about?

 

While some folks (my guess would be a fraction of folks) do find "magic" in WLS, I believe the vast majority of us WILL find ourselves struggling to some degree at some point.  It's what we choose to do at that point that can define our future.  We can slowly add weight back on, like you said, ounce by ounce, pound by pound...OR we can make other choices-as you have chosen to do!

 

Most of us didn't end up being the weight that we were at without developing some bad habits, or addictions, or whatever you want to call it, with food.  I know it's still a big mental struggle for me.  Your honesty and ability to articulate your struggles are so REAL, for SO many.  I've always admired your contributions and posts on the forum, and I feel even more admiration now.

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Jolls - Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration to many of us here. You know what you need to change and you are doing it. You will get yourself back to the place you need to be,  I have full confidence in you. Keep up the good work and know that i am rooting for you.

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