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Dealing with Negative Folks


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How do you all deal with the negative nellies in your life?

 

Saturday I will be 4 months post op, I have gone from 213 on the day of surgery to 176 today.  My weight for two weeks has been stuck in the 177 -176 ranges.  The stall frustrates me, but I know I am eating right, so I am keeping going.  A co-worker made a comment to me that "oh, you likely lost all the weight you are going to lose".  Ugh, of course then that brought me down and I started to think, maybe she is right.  I was a light weight to start with, I always fail at weight loss- this is good as it's going to get.

 

For the last few weeks I have been sure active in my yard- seeding, weeding, planting, mulching - I do this myself, the hubs doesn't help (fine by me).  I do eat some carbs, but not a lot- eating to little or to much makes me feel bad.  I can eat a little more than I could when I was first post op, but my NUT says that is normal.  I do not think I have stretched anything though.  Last night I put burgers on the grill- I made mine small (maybe a 1/4 of the 1 lb of ground beef - which shrinks a little on the grill)  I added one slice of cheese and ate it on a piece of bibbed lettuce.  I actually find that it is yummier like this.  I ate almost all of it.  

 

I am so afraid of failure any negative comments I get I really take to heart.  This am I slipped on a pair of size 12 pants that I wore last week - they were fine last week- this am they were snug - freaked out a bit until I realized that last week was the first time I wore them, then I washed them and they are cotton- so a little shrinkage is expected - the got  comfortable again in a few min.   At the start of this in Dec I was wearing 14 pants, no I still wear the 14's with just a few 12's - not all 12's fit.  

 

I feel very frustrated that I am heading for failure yet again.

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those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

 

this is no one else's journey but your own. let others think what they want to think - it's none of your business, anyway. your body will let you know when you're done. you're still well into the honeymoon phase. stalls happen. that's just how it goes. but i doubt very seriously that you're done.

 

no one has had anything negative to say to me (and if they have, i don't know about it). i've been met with nothing but encouragement. but if someone did have something bad to say, i'd shrug it off. i've come way too far to let one's opinion of me derail my progress.

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Do not listen to the negative people!  You are not done yet.  You are still in the honeymoon period.  I would warn you to use this time wisely though.

 

I don't know if you track your food or not, but you should.  I use My Fitness Pal, and it has really made me watch everything that I eat.  When I was 4 months out, my surgeon told me to eat 800 calories a day, 80-100 g protein, limit carbs, no caffeine, no alcohol, 64+ oz. water, and exercise walking 30 minutes at 4.0 speed 3x a week.  That was all he told me.  The rest was up to me. 

 

You have lost 36 lbs. I believe that's about 2lbs a week.  That's a good average.  Keep working your plan....

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It's never entirely true that you don't care about what someone says about you. I take it to  heart when someone on this board calls me names, but I have learned to try to keep a good perspective. When someone says something like that, I have to rationalize it ... that person doesn't really know me, what that person thinks doesn't really affect me in any way - unless I let it. What you allow will continue. If I continue to allow the thoughts of someone who isn't a factor in my life to control how I feel about myself, then I will continue to be at the mercy of their beliefs. I am who I am, I'm not going to try to change anything on someone's whim. In order to insult me, I would have to value their opinion - and I try to choose carefully about the opinions I value.

 

Be who you are, whatever size you are. Don't let the seeds of someone's thoughts grow in your mind. Build your own garden, tend it well. Stand tall and proud, because you're doing something that not many people could do. If people are talking about you behind your back, then fart. Don't ever let anyone have the power to control how you feel about yourself.

 

"Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is," ~German Proverb

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My PCP was against the surgery - so far I have proved my point and now she is on board.

 

A coworker had alot to say about how I was not losing weight the right way, not eating correctly,.....and since has changed her tune as well.

 

I let it go in one ear and out the other, I really do not care what others may think in a negative manner. it is human nature for some to act this way and I feel for them.

 

This is your journey, it seems like you ahve a grasp on what is going on in, dont let a little doubt rain on your parade. We all go through it, it is then that I reach out to my friends at TT for the support or tip i need to get me back on track or to jumpstart a stall or plateau.

 

Keep up the good work and keep on program...you have this...you just need the reassurance....

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People always have something to say about what others are doing.  I have a good friend who has not seen me in over a year, but has seen photos of me on Facebook.  She has a history of losing/gaining lots of weight and also of making passive aggressive comments about everything.  I am going to see her in about a month and have decided that I am going to just do what I am doing and let her insecurities about my lifestyle changes slide.  It is not fun to have the negativity, but let's just make the best of it knowing that we are living well and being healthier.

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well if you've lost all the weight you're going to lose in 4 months, then why do we bother?  You have a good year to year and a half in active weight loss.  Ignore the naysayers and enjoy the ride.  YOU will have the  last laugh.  bwaaahahahaa!

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well if you've lost all the weight you're going to lose in 4 months, then why do we bother?  You have a good year to year and a half in active weight loss.  Ignore the naysayers and enjoy the ride.  YOU will have the  last laugh.  bwaaahahahaa!

she's right - ignore them - you will get there - I noticed that our stats are similar and I had lots of stalls along the way.  You won't fail - I'm  just over a year out and have gone from a size 24 to a 4.  I feel (and look) great and people even call me skinny (music to my ears).  The time really does go quickly and before you know it you will have reached your goal and beyond.   I didn't really have many negative comments along the way.. but then again I took everything people said to me as a compliment whether they meant it as one or not.   You won't fail you've already lost 36 pounds in only 4 months!  - just follow your plan and enjoy life and the new you!!! 

Edited by PatriciaAnn
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Sometimes, some people just can't keep their mouth shut.

 

Kim - I doubt very much that your coworker is qualified to share a professional opinion and even if she was, I don't know of anyone who was done at 4 months post-RNY with 47lb (or whatever) until they're near or at their goal.  

 

So given that, it's time to insert a massive eye-roll and walk away.

 

Edited to add:

 

Kim - you know, it could be that your coworker might well be responding to your comments/concerns that you are not losing weight.  Fact is, it's likely just a stall and you'll be taking off again.

 

Maybe she just said what she did to try and make you feel better.

 

FWIW, I chose not to discuss my weight loss (even thought people knew I'd had WLS).

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Everyone has said how others opinions should not be important, but unfortunately those words still have impact.  For me the key is to focus on what I've accomplished and seeing how that changes others opinions.  It always changes their opinions.

 

At the same time, don't be shy about telling them your opinions as well, there is no reason to say they are wrong to their face or even better to tell them to mind their own business.

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I get so irritated when people say things as if they are an authority on all things weight loss! I feel your frustration, I too have had negative comments sent my way. More than half of my family tried to talk me out of the surgery and pounced on ANYTHING they could to try and prove that they were right. I chose not to tell anyone outside of my family until LONG after my surgery and still had people that made negative comments despite the success I had. 

 

You have to brush them off. As much as their comments hurt, as much as you begin to question the choice that you have made or the level of success you have obtained, you have to stay the course. Repeat in your mind that they are not you, their opinion is neither desired nor required and in the end they will just be jealous.  HTH

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I deal with someone of the same stuff just with people knowing I am about to have surgery. I'm southern, and was raised to be respectful and polite, but when someone says " See Leigha, you're losing weight just eating the pre-op diet.. why can't you do that? " .... well ive been known to frankly reply..."Did NASA reject your application? I though they preferred know-it-alls?"

 

I know it is not nice, but I feel like the people who struggle with understanding or even accepting it don't really have a clue as to why others choose to have such a dramatic surgery. The thing is..it's not your job to accept the negative people. Energy flows through people like water, and there water is brown...please darlin, flush it down! :lol:

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I had someone comment on my weight loss negatively and they didn't even know I'd had surgery! Since I don't care for the person anyway my response was "The only people whose opinions I value are those people that I love, respect or admire. And, since you fit into none of those categories what you think doesn't matter to me." I then walked away and left her with her mouth hanging open.

 

I know that wasn't very nice but I refuse to allow anyone to diminish what I have accomplished and I don't feel one ounce of guilt about saying it.

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I deal with someone of the same stuff just with people knowing I am about to have surgery. I'm southern, and was raised to be respectful and polite, but when someone says " See Leigha, you're losing weight just eating the pre-op diet.. why can't you do that? " .... well ive been known to frankly reply..."Did NASA reject your application? I though they preferred know-it-alls?"

I know it is not nice, but I feel like the people who struggle with understanding or even accepting it don't really have a clue as to why others choose to have such a dramatic surgery. The thing is..it's not your job to accept the negative people. Energy flows through people like water, and there water is brown...please darlin, flush it down! :lol:

I was raised by a southern woman. All I can think to say to those negative nellies is, "Bless their hearts." Edited by CeCeJD
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Success is the best revenge! You will be successful and you will show her!

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Thanks all for the encouragement.  I am just having a VERY down week.   I have been very tired and foggy headed, my doc says it could be from my Vit. D being at 16, they want me to get to 50.  I find the more tired I am the more I fall prey to the negative folks.   I think my co-worker is just a little jealous, she had lapband 2 years before I did, then when I had to go to her to put in my leave for my Gastric, she was telling me how I shouldn't do it.  I told her that my doctor felt like it was safe and I preffered to go with his opinion verses someone with out an MD.  Since then she has been very negative and has not once commented on how I have done.  She and I are now the same size, and she likely doesn't want me to get any smaller.

 

I couldn't keep my surgery from her since all my doctors notes had to be sent through her, if we are out more than 3 days in a row we must have medical documentation and my paper work had my surgery type on it.

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if you can do it, the next time she makes a negative comment just ask her why she is being so negative.  not in a snide mean way but in a puzzled hurt way.  that may give her pause to think about her own motives.  and it may stop any more negative comments. 

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When people are mean or rude to my mother, she just shrugs & says, "Well, I guess their hemorrhoids are bothering them today." I on the other hand, just ate my feelings, which got me here. But I'm trying to learn to adopt that attitude! (Bless their hearts.)

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Thanks all for the encouragement.  I am just having a VERY down week.   I have been very tired and foggy headed, my doc says it could be from my Vit. D being at 16, they want me to get to 50.  I find the more tired I am the more I fall prey to the negative folks.   I think my co-worker is just a little jealous, she had lapband 2 years before I did, then when I had to go to her to put in my leave for my Gastric, she was telling me how I shouldn't do it.  I told her that my doctor felt like it was safe and I preffered to go with his opinion verses someone with out an MD.  Since then she has been very negative and has not once commented on how I have done.  She and I are now the same size, and she likely doesn't want me to get any smaller.

 

I couldn't keep my surgery from her since all my doctors notes had to be sent through her, if we are out more than 3 days in a row we must have medical documentation and my paper work had my surgery type on it.

I also have a co-worker who got the lap band two years prior to my surgery, the weight she lost was twenty pounds prior to surgery and then 20 pounds after the surgery.  Then she would not go in for fills because "they made her feel bad", so here she is..40pounds in 4 weeks and nothing since (she did gain some back actually)  She is the one who told me I would show my age and my boobs would shrink when she knew I was getting the sleeve.  She usually says something negative when the weight loss comes up.  She also decided to get her first fill in almost two years the month before I had surgery...coincidence?  Nope.  I think people who have failed to follow the rules want those of us who are to fail too so that they don't feel guilty.  Stay the course.  I often have two week stalls.  I loose weight in steps..same for two weeks then down 3 to 4 pounds, same or up a pound or two for two weeks then down 4 or 5 pounds.  I wish I was losing at a steady rate but I am starting to realize that this is the way my body is responding. 

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I'm a big dude with a load of tattoos and a perpetual scowl (not by choice, I just look that way). Negative people tend not to mention anything to me directly..lol

 

But seriously, my mother is a huge advocat of the "kill them with kindness" mindset. If someone is so miserable that they have to project their negativity onto you, simply put a hand on their shoulder, draw them close and say, quietly, "I feel sorry for you." Smile at them and walk away. They'll be in shock.

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I refuse to hang out with people who make me feel bad. Took a long time and a lot of tears, but I just refuse.  There are some places that I can't get away from some negative people ( church, my husband is a pastor) but I just  don't spend a lot of time dwelling.

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Despite me growing a thicker skin and really having a walking on sunshine attitude lately, there will always be people who have something to say when you lose weight and it's usually due to jealousy and insecurity. I am seriously over the people who have nothing nice to say. I have one colleague that commented on my tiny portion size when I was only 3 months out and still eating itty bitty soft meals, and she just recently was very snarky to me when I wore a dress to work (for the first time in 12 years!) the other day. She said, "Well. You're going to be cold today," as she looked me up and down with a judgey, snotty look. I realized how sad it must be to have to cut people down to make yourself feel good. I just smiled and happily said, "I'm super excited to wear my new dress, so I'm just fine!" In my head, I was thinking, "Dude, I lost 80lbs! I can wear a dress! Do you know how good it feels?" I just focused on my own positivity. 

 

Haters gonna hate. Do NOT let them derail you.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Some people are very competitive. For example, my mother (raw foodist, bushwalker) has been fit and healthy her whole life. You would think she'd be happy that I have finally lost weight.  Nope. The other day she said, "Your fathers family were fat. Im sure you were meant to be fat like them. If you keep losing weight like this you will get cancer." I looked long and hard at her and realised, she's gained weight in the last few years (funny how I never saw that) and I am now one dress size smaller than her. I really think she said it from her own fears and perhaps some jealousy.  I blew it off, because you know what.... I get plenty of people at work saying WOW you have lost so much weight. Her comments were more about her own personal issues and insecurities, than about my weight. Deep breath. Pat yourself on the back. Move on :)

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