Hi all, my first post here and really first time I'm reaching out. I need help. I had RNY in 12/2009 at 382 lbs and did great, I got down to 170 lbs even after giving birth. First it was hard dealing with the medications after having post-partum depression but after a few setbacks we were able to find the right combination of meds but then on 6/2013 I was sexually assaulted and that started the snowball that ends with all the weight I've put on. After the assault I was put on more medications and anti-anxiety meds which I believe played a part on me being in a car accident where I suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and now suffer from epileptic seizures. The years between then and 2016 were really bad. In the past eating was my way to cope with things but I couldn't do that so I started drinking and taking pills instead. Needless to say that was atrocious and it all culminated in a very painful break up with the father of my daughter and me moving cross-country for 18 months. The drinking got worse and I wouldn't eat all day and basically got all my calories from alcohol.
I moved back to my hometown last year and started working on my drinking problem. Things have gotten way better, but in dropping alcohol I turned back to food for comfort.
That's where I'm at now, I'm weighing 220-some lbs (I'm terrified of weighing myself) and go back and forth between weeks where I almost starve myself and work out trying to get some control or cut out carbs or something like that but then I want to drink every day because I can't cope. When I stop drinking then all I want to do is eat. If I restrict my eating, I start looking for excuses to drink or take some type of pill. If I abstain, I feel hungry all the time and end up over eating or eating till I'm sick.
I feel like everything else in my life is going really well (I'm on less medications and not abusing them, I'm getting married in 3 weeks, great job that I love) but no matter what I'm constantly depressed and hate myself. I feel like the biggest, most disgusting failure for all the weight I've gained. My family isn't the best to turn to for support (my mom recently said that to her I look fatter than when I had surgery, even though I'm nowhere near 382 lbs) so I know that I probably need therapy and to go back to my surgeon but I don't even know how to start asking for help. I've made an appointment with a therapist for later this month and I'm supposed to see the nurse practitioner at my bariaric surgeon's office in late August but what do I say to them? What do I do in the meantime? How do I know anyone would understand and not judge me?
I am so ashamed that I'm fat and feel worthless most days and I think that's why I feel so out of control. This post is the first time I've even written down a lot of what's happened or admitted that I feel out of control or need help.
I don't know that I'm asking for advice or just support or just anything but I needed to get this out there. I want to start looking forward to living my life again.