On Sunday, I ran my third half marathon. I cut 30 minutes off of my time and set a personal record.
On Monday morning, I biked 12 miles and walked 3.5 miles to just "loosen up my muscles." By Monday afternoon, I was telling myself that I was lazy.
It isn't that I am completely blinded to my achievements.. I am very proud of my accomplishment. I posted smiling pictures of myself at the finish line on Facebook. I know that I worked hard training to finish all 13.1 miles and I was thrilled with my finish time. But there's still a small voice telling me that finishing wasn't enough. I could have/should have done more.
It never ceases to amaze me how insidious and deeply rooted my messages of self-loathing are and how those messages can lead to sabotaging my successes. It doesn't matter that I have lost more than 100 pounds or that I have run three half marathons or am finishing my master's and maybe even starting my doctorate or that I have done this or that. Through therapy, I have learned to be self aware and recognize those sabotaging messages. They don't carry the weight they once did but I have to remain constantly vigilant and let my empowering and self-loving voice be the messages that I heed.
Those old messages of never being enough kicked in at about mile 8 and I wanted to quit and that's when I had my epiphany. I asked myself what it would mean to continue at the pace I was running and finish faster and stronger than ever before? It meant I couldn't hide from success and it meant that I can't hide behind my weight (I still try to hide behind the few extra pounds on my frame!). There is an illusion of comfort in hiding and the illusion of safety. I have spent years hiding because I was afraid that putting myself out there would only confirm that I really wasn't "enough."
I AM ENOUGH! I don't want to hide. I want to be the best I can be.
My running time on Sunday: 3 hours and 5 minutes!
I am enough. You are enough.