Know what I hate? I freaking hate flying. Everything about it sucks, but it's so much worse if you're fat. I spend a lot of time before each flight worrying about how small the seat will be, about whether the person next to me will be annoyed that I sort of overflow into their space, about whether my hips will be so scrunched into the seat (man, airline seats have gotten smaller in the last couple decades!) that they will be a bit bruised feeling when I get off the flight. I worry about people giving me the side eye when I get into my seat. I stress about how uncomfortable it is to spend 15 hours with my arms crossed so I don't impinge on my neighbors' space. I remember overheard conversations or internet comment sections about fat people flying and how horrible the awful rude fat people are to subject all the other passengers to their horrible awful fatness. I hate flying as a fat person so much that I have not done it in almost two years. Me, a person who usually travels a LOT! Know what I'm doing at the end of this week? Flying. On purpose. To go on vacation. I'm still fat, but I'm a lot less fat, so I know that I will have a less bad time. Flying is horrible, but I will be so happy to fit better in the seat. Not so happy that I will enjoy flying (blerk) but happy enough to do it again.
I've done a little shopping to get ready for this trip, and it's been... a mixed bag. On one hand, I can go into the straight sizes part of the store and not worry that nothing will fit me (well, I worry, but stuff fits, even if it looks like it'll be too small). On the other hand, when I get it on, I am faced with the voices in my head that are always very loud in changing rooms. I look *better* than before (oh, so much better!) but I still don't look *good* to myself. The good news is that I feel a little more detached from my appearance than I usually do: I feel like this is how I look today, but I know that next week, next month, next year I will look different. So I feel like I'm judging a work in progress, rather than judging the very essence of who I am, which is an improvement.
I've already had to bail out of some plans set up by one of my travel companions. I'm going with my husband and another couple we frequently travel with, and the other couple is, well, much sportier and fitter than we are (particularly than I am). They will be climbing a volcano. I will not. It's an all day sort of deal, like hours and hours of hiking, starting out at like 8500 feet (2500m) in elevation, and I really really know that I do not have that in me right now. It felt sad to have to explain that to my friend, but at the same time, I know that because of my WLS, I will be able to do stuff like that in the future. As of six months ago, my future didn't look like it was headed in an "improving" sort of direction, health-wise, so that's a good thing.
I've got two flavors of Syntrax Nectar individual packs and two boxes of protein bars to take with me, so I should be set for protein intake. I'm going to Guatemala, and will have no opportunity to buy that stuff there. I have an idea of what awaits because I've been there a couple of times before: food should be fine, lots of beans and eggs and cheese to be had. I've got my vitamins ready to go. I think with all this WLS stuff, I'm going to have very little room in my luggage for my other stuff!
I think it'll be a good trip. I have a ton more energy now than I have in a long while, and I'm able to move around so much more easily in my body. I have a more positive outlook about things, and I don't feel so self-conscious.
I'm not going to be able to weigh myself for 16 days. SIXTEEN DAYS Yes, I know how many of you feel about daily weighings, but they are my jam. I also won't be able to log my food every day since I will be without internet at some points. I'll be flying blind for more than two weeks, and that scares the heck out of me. Logically it shouldn't, but I think we left the world of logic behind a few months ago. I'm curious to see whether no scale and limited food logging will feel freeing or frightening. Could go either way.
Wish me luck! I'm a little nervous about the flying.