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It's 2am, getting late, and I'm listening to a 90's play list presented to me by Apple Music on iTunes.  It's adult pop of the 90's.  I'm 36.  In 1990 I was 9 or 10 depending on the month.  So the nineties coincided with my tumultuous adolescence.  I was just as crazy as any other teen but perhaps even crazier. That's a story I'll save for some other day.  :-)

Right now lets focus on this woman I've become.  I'm creative.  I like to paint, bead necklaces, explore new and old music, and I daydream.  I'm pretty and kind of smart.  I never was married and have no kids but revel in my freedom and feel little more than gratefulness when I see my friends and with babies and children because I know my life is easier and my heart is already full.  

My weight has become major eyesore and health issue.  I'm almost 5-5 and I weigh 324 pounds which means that I basically need to lose 200 pounds. I do have a food addiction and it is somewhat out of control.  If I'm not eating I'm reminiscing about food or plotting my next meal.  I need to grow apart from this addiction because its killing me.  

I just wonder if I can do it without surgery but the clock is ticking and I know that a diet and exercise will not make me lose as fast as having a sleeve gastrectomy.  I can do both and lose like crazy.  I can undo the harm I've done unto myself over the years in much less time if I subject myself to this.  I just worry that I'll be one of this people who regret their decision at least in part.  I feel like after the surgery, food and I will have a weird, awkward relationship and I won't know who I am anymore. lol.  Food is a part of me like a lover I suppose.  It's been  a lifelong thing between food and I and I've lost many relationships in this life and losing my love and passion for food because I won't be able to take more than a few bites at a time sounds rather like a punishment I don't necessarily deserve.  Or do I?

I AM one of those people.  I am one of those people who binge-ate like it was a career and didn't care about the consequences.  I refused to exercise most of the time.  Maybe punishment IS what i deserve?  

I'm planning on getting my surgery in January 2018 so i'll have time to test myself and if needed I can prepare myself for the surgery.  I might not end up getting it if I can kick this problem without a sleeve.  

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It is a major decision that should not be taken lightly.  I am glad you are waiting until January so you can do the work right now on the important head part now.   For those that don't have a true food addiction, the surgery is a less traumatic experience.  Take the time to talk to someone knowledgeable in this area to help you see what is the best path for you.  I admire you for not just rushing into this - ask the questions - challenge yourself on what will fill that void once food is not there anymore. Believe in yourself and NEVER EVER think you deserve anything less than success. Best of luck to you on whatever path you take!  

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If you have disordered eating patterns, I would strongly recommend working on those directly as soon as possible. Read Jen Larsen's book Stranger Here as an example of how difficult the experience of going into WLS with an active ED (even a subclinical one) can be.

You don't deserve punishment. You deserve care.

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"Subject myself to this" and "punishment" sound like you're not emotionally ready for surgical intervention. Nothing wrong with that. Make your decision in your own time. 

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Have you consulted with a bariatric center yet?  The nutritionists and the psych referrals are exactly what you need.  Whether you decide to proceed with surgery or not, you would benefit from examination of eating habits and motivations. My first thought when reading your blog is what do you fear from losing weight?  

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