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New Year, New Numbers.



The last time I was under 250 I was 22 years old and I'd just had emergency surgery—a cholecystectomy. I didn't eat anything except some saltines and apple juice that came right back up for the better part of a week before I finally went to the emergency room. I was in unbelievable pain. And then when I came out, my eating-disorders nutritionist told me to expect to gain weight back—there'd been muscle wasting, and dehydration, and it was an all-around bad scene. I'd just had a pair of knee boots perfectly fitted to my calves a couple of weeks before; when I came out I could put two of my chubby little fingers sideways between my leg and the leather. But I was 22, and at the lowest weight of my adult life, having already recently lost something like 60 pounds pretty damn quickly, and I thought, the hell with that. I'm going to keep it here and keep going down. And when I did, inevitably, gain recovery weight back, I freaked out, and weathered it badly, and before I knew it, was on my way all the way up again. But I remember the feeling of seeing it.

I'm 33 now. This morning I weighed 250.4. Then I waited until I had to pee again. Weighed again. 249.8. I've already entered a weight for the day, so I can't really count this one, somehow (I'm massively superstitious about weigh-in rituals!), but it's still a thing to see. I think it won't really, really hit me until I'm safely under 250—although maybe I'm just putting off the "real thing" because it's actually totally arbitrary but I'm waiting for it to have some climactic significance.

I worry that I expect some kind of massive categorical shift immediately upon getting under 250, and that I'll be disappointed when it doesn't appear. I'm in this place lately where some days I'm feeling myself and other days it's like nothing's different, like 80 pounds haven't changed a thing. I've been spending time with some pictures, but that only goes so far, I find. 

I like having this right at the new year. There's a feeling of taking on something new, entering uncharted territory. In 2016 I covered the ground I have covered before. In 2017, it's time to break new ground.


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