Jump to content
  • entries
    30
  • comments
    78
  • views
    3,355

Three Months


nimiety

575 views

Yesterday was three months out. I weighed 274.6, which is 57.4 pounds down. In three months.

More to the point, I've noticed just recently that I've hit a little categorical shift. As a lifelong weight-cycler, I've had a chance to observe the way I feel, look, and am responded to at quite a lot of different sizes. Just recently I crossed some categorical boundary. I'm less invisible at this size than fifty pounds bigger—or even ten or fifteen pounds bigger. I'm also less hypervisible. 

I recalled my surgeon—bless him, he's extremely sanguine, and he's never once tried to sell me a pie-in-the-sky picture of post-VSG living—telling me that his practice's average weight loss with the VSG alone (they do a lot of two-part duodenal switch procedures; he was a pioneer of the switch as an operation) is about ten BMI points. He said that he's tried to predict who'll substantially exceed that and has found that he can't. So I went home, figured out where 10 BMI points down put me, and thought about whether or not I could live with that. It's right about here—a few pounds lower than right here. And I decided that I could.

And now, experientially, indeed, if this were it, I could live here. At this size. I could be this size forever. It would be fine. It would not be my absolute first pick, but it would, in fact, be fine. I have been this size pretty happily and stably before. At this size, I can buy clothes that I like that look nice on me, I can feel healthy and energetic and mobile and athletic, I can handle the way my face looks. 

This is one of the weird things about being a WLS patient who has also done a lot of work on my sense of identity as a fat person. I can imagine a good life for myself as a fat person (because I've had one before). I can imagine making changes I need to make in my life and staying fat. I can imagine a world in which the VSG helps me maintain a weight that works for me without having to white-knuckle it all the time, without being constantly in the process of either losing or gaining weight. There's something deeply appealing about that picture. I get wistful when I paint it, as I did to my therapist a few days ago. This is a size I know and accept, a size I can live with. I could live here.

But of course, I'm only three months out, and I'm very rarely eating more than a thousand calories a day. My weight loss is not going to stop tomorrow. Part of the reason that part of me is feeling like I'd like to settle, probably, is that I'm in a period of very rapid loss. I got home from traveling and my period started the next day and all of a sudden my weight was in free-fall, plummeting ten pounds in a week. Water, obviously, but water that had been masking some weight loss I hadn't seen yet on the scale. The pace scares me. This is the first time I've really thought seriously about staying off the scale. 

I could live here, but probably I won't. It's only been three months. We'll see where I am in a year.

4 Comments


Recommended Comments

It's nice that you are comfortable where you are at, but it also sounds like there is fear of further loss because it's the fear of the unknown. You know you can be happy and still be fat, but what will the future hold? My hope for you (and me) is that you will experience some freedom and a level of happiness you have yet to experience while the pounds melt away. All the best, Theresa.

Link to comment

FWIW, I totally understand what you're saying. I remember being there myself (hitting a certain weight and thinking I'd be ok if my weight loss ended there). That said, many pounds later, I am SO happy that my weight loss didn't stop. I do think that mentality (at least for me) was a form of emotionally protecting myself from the potential disappointment of not losing more. As long as you don't self sabotage or go off program, I think it's a healthy mechanism. 

Link to comment
21 hours ago, ThriftyTheresa said:

It's nice that you are comfortable where you are at, but it also sounds like there is fear of further loss because it's the fear of the unknown. You know you can be happy and still be fat, but what will the future hold? My hope for you (and me) is that you will experience some freedom and a level of happiness you have yet to experience while the pounds melt away. All the best, Theresa.

Oh, yeah, I think I've got some serious fear of the unknown. I'm a lifelong fat person, and I've adapted to fatness in all sorts of ways. I'm used to it. I have no idea what life below 250 feels like, and that's definitely scary for me. I'm lucky to have a very good shrink. ;)

 

And @athenarose, I agree with you too. I'm trying to deal openly with my fear for exactly that reason: I find that what I can see and let myself feel, I'm less likely to need to express in less healthy ways like self-sabotage.

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
×
×
  • Create New...