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Week 6 Thoughts


MottTheHoople

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Hello everyone! This is just a mid-month check in. I have not weighed myself recently since it was stressing me out so much. I'll make sure to update my weight and inches lost at my two month mark in a couple more weeks. I feel like I'm really flirting with the 200lb mark, I'm really hoping to be under at my two month weigh in buuuuut if I'm not, that's ok too.

There are just a couple of things I thought I'd share with you all today.

1. It's very difficult to talk about my surgery with my friends. For the most part I have surrounded myself with other over weight women. I guess I've always thought that skinny girls wouldn't want to be my friend, or would be mean to me. I fully realize that's incredibly juvenile, but I digress. Because most of my female friends are heavy too, my weight loss updates are not really received very warmly. I get it, don't get me wrong. Who wants to hear about somebody else losing weight when you're feeling fat and unattractive? I've been in that position many times; a friend would go on a diet plan, I would feel super jealous, and almost hope they failed. That's so ugly isn't it? Hating yourself does awful things to a person. Maybe I don't deserve support in this arena, as I was never truly that supportive of my friends attempts to get healthy. So maybe I have no right to feel lonely in this, but I still do. If I don't get the negative/envious reaction, it's one that makes me feel guilty. Last week I broke down and went shopping for jeans and I couldn't even text my best friend about it. My best friend, lets call her T, is outwardly very encouraging. But ever since my surgery she keeps talking about how fat she is and how skinny I'm going to be. When I try to tell T she's not fat, she gets upset. When I try to empathize with T (like hello, I'm still fat) she gets upset. We have been so close for 10+ years and she's always been about half my size. I feel like I can't win with her right now.

2. Somehow, I can wear a size 14. Like I said earlier, I decided to break down and buy at least one pair of jeans. All my size 20 jeans had become almost comically baggy. The waistlines are definitely a couple inches too loose, but the butt area and thigh area had just gotten ridiculous. I'm a supervisor at work and I could see my boss looking down her nose at my clown wear, so I decided what the heck, I'll just get one pair of jeans. Went to a cheapy store here that's kind of like Agaci or Charlotte Russe, but for plus size ladies. The jeans there are basically 1x 2x 3x, not typical numerical sizes. Every pair I tried on was too big and instead of that exciting me, it made me feel super disappointed in myself. I was leaving the mall, I had given up, but I had to walk through JcPenney to get to my car. I happened to stop and look at some jeans, they were sized in inches, I held them up and instantly I knew they wouldn't fit. But I took them into the dressing room, and they DID fit! They were even a little baggy! So I went out and got one size down and tried those on, and was amazed that they fit. I examined the tag really closely and noticed there was a standard size next to the size in inches. It was a 14! This was a MAJOR victory for me. First off, I've never bought jeans that were sized in inches. That's for skinny girls who wear levis, ok? Secondly, I didn't get those jeans from the plus size section. I CANNOT even tell you when the last time was that I bought something that wasn't from the plus size section. Also, I got them for $20.00! I've been paying $50+ for jeans for years from torrid and lane Bryant. I thought it might be a fluke; maybe this brand is just very generous with their sizing. So at walmart today I tried on another pair of 14's in a different brand, and they actually fit! Bottom line, yes I've lost weight and I know that. But for me this was THE thing I needed to show myself I am making progress. It's so much more tangible than a number on a scale.

3. Eating is weird. I felt way less restriction the 1st month, now that I'm in month 2 I can barely eat a few bites before feeling that sickly full feeling. I went out to eat for the first time since surgery. We went to a walk up bbq place without servers, I shared a plate with my husband. It was honestly ridiculous how very little I could eat. I'm now a very cheap date. The fun of going out to eat has definitely lessened, but I have to learn to deal with it because it's literally one of my husband's favorite things to do.

I am still struggling to drink enough water, TMI but my pee is so yellow. I've started adding lemon to my water and making Arnold palmers at home, hopefully that will help me drink more.

NEXT SEGMENT IS TMI LADY BUSSINESS

5. Lastly a PCOS update. I had surgery March 10th, I got my period a few days after (FUN). Well guess what? I got my period April 15th this month. That's like, almost a normal cycle! Of course I have no idea if I'm ovulating or anything, but I'm going to tell myself its positive progress. It lasted almost exactly 5 days and wasn't crampy or terrible either.  I think I am going to buy some ovulation strips off of Amazon before next month, just to see what's going on down there with my lady parts. As always, my primary number one goal here is to lose enough weight to control my PCOS and ovulate.


Well that's all for now folks. See you in a couple weeks

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You are doing so well. It's not all easy, and it's not all positive, but it's all progressing. With your best friend, keep things real. If she is overweight, allow her to own that, independent of where you are. As for shopping, that's a thrill. Buy just what you need, because you won't stay in it for long. :)

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I totally loved reading this!! I am so happy for you.  This made me smile thinking of you and your trip shopping.  I see that you are in San Diego.  So am I :).  So I was thinking of the North County Fair mall and you walking through JCP and finding those jeans.  Good times!  I am sure your friend T will come around.  Us girls are funny sometimes.  Chow for now.

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This is a great post. So much of it resonates with me. I could have done backflips the day I fit in to a size 14 jean. Now I'm in a size 10/12 and I still can't believe it. When I hold up the pants, they look so small to me and it feels like some type of magic trick that they actually fit.

It sounds like your relationships with your friends may have become more complex. Your best friend is probably genuinely happy for you, but it would not surprise me if she had mixed feelings about it. Your body is changing rapidly and you are bound to feel differently about it as time goes on. As you change, so might the dynamic between you and your best friend. You have taken brave and drastic steps to get in control of your weight and health. For some folks who continue to struggle with their own issues with obesity, watching your transformation may be a painful reminder of their own situation. I'd suggest talking about it openly with your friend. The kindest thing you can do is to be honest. In the interim, don't be afraid to celebrate your accomplishments....you've earned them! You've worked hard. You don't need to water that down for anyone's sake.

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