Let me first say that my no stress day yesterday was FANTASTIC! I painted my toenails, shaved my legs (I know you guys are proud of that one), drank my protein shakes leisurely in front of the computer, and most importantly didn't touch my school books or cook dinner. I even made a bargain with myself to leave the daily kid mess until 4pm, when I would clean for one hour only and make no excuses for what was left. Guess what? IT WORKED! It felt like a day off, and my hour of cleaning actually put things back in order. Normally, my cleaning process is like Dr. Suess's "Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?"....where poor Ali Sard's job is "to mow grass in his uncle's backyard...and it's quick growing grass and it grows as he mows it. The faster he mows it, the faster he grows it." After my one whole hour of housework, I sat down to once again have a leisurely glass of tea while I tried to decide whether I wanted to sit on the back patio.....until the phone rang.
Again, another woman from my husband's work. (Is my number listed, now?) Another woman desperately seeking the elixir of weight loss. Oy! Again, another Army woman who needs to lose 15 lbs (IF that) before her next PT test in a few weeks. She wouldn't even qualify for this surgery in a third world country. So, she absolutely doesn't meet my qualifications for outing my personal medical records. Something she said, though, tipped me off that one of the women at the battalion had gotten my number from my husband....and then gave it to someone else that gave it to someone else that gave it to her. NICE! Maybe I should start answering my phone with, "Thank you for calling the Magic Diet Hotline. How can I help you further your delusions?"
All I could think of was, "Oh, so now I'm the fat whisperer?" Me? Talk about an ironic twist of reality.....I've been fat the vast majority of my life. No one in their right mind would've asked me how to lose 15 lbs a year ago, back when I had lost 130lbs on my own. In fact, they may have looked at me as an example of what not to do. Now that I've had weight loss surgery, women are coming out of the woodwork and jockeying to be the one to be sprinkled with my magic weight loss dust that I apparently stole from some Anorexia Leprechaun within the past 6 months. Let me just add a catty footnote....these are women that wouldn't even make eye contact with me at military functions in the past. They treated me like I was invisible. Now, I'm the belle of the diet ball?? Now that I won't be in a plus size formal gown, I'm worthy of being in the clubhouse? Well, guess who doesn't want to be a member of the club. I was really close to saying as much, but desperate note in the cracking voice on the other end of the line made me bite my tongue...for a minute.
I listened while she detailed just how "super fat" she'd gotten and how she was going to lose her job...(what? Pull my heartstrings, and I'll give you my treasure map? what kind of logic is this? Darn female manipulation techniques. When do the tears start?) ...then I started to feel bad, even though I still outweigh her "super fat" self by about 30lbs. What if they actually believe that I have the key! What if they believe that I can tell them, over the phone, some instant lose-weight-quick recipe? ....You've got to be kidding me, right? Step right up, folks. I have it....the super secret key to losing up to 30 lbs and 20 inches in only 30 days....but wait, there's more! Okay, now I feel like an infomercial. At this point, my disbelief has completely taken over my thought process....and I felt sorry for her...momentarily. Poor, misguided, naive thing. So....I took a deep breath and tried to be sympathetic to her needs. (while trying to push from my head that I still have 40-ish more pounds to lose while she's only needing to lose 15....IF that) *sigh*
I started asking questions....like this...."are you going nuts with food?" Answer: I don't eat a lot, but I do eat candy bars and drink tons of diet coke. "Do you work out?" Answer: I used to. (Do I really have to say it, Sweetie? Or, are you paying attention?) YES, I was snarky. I was a growling, disgruntled b-word.....but I kept it to myself. I said, "Well, you might want to start there."
Then, the totally unexpected thing happened.....a response I couldn't have predicted. "Can't you just tell me what kind of pills you're taking so I can lose this weight fast??" I expected the diet pill question, but not the hysteria...not the level of pure panic I heard behind her words. So, I told her the truth....I was taking a multivitamin. Silence. "So what else are you doing?" Limiting my calories, fat and carbs....and eating high protein and exercising. "Oh. No pills?" Nope. "Thanks, anyway." Dial tone. (So RUDE!)
If there was a miracle pill out there, I promise I would know about it by this point. I've dabbled in every diet you can think of, then graduated to diet pills, both prescription and non prescription. Wanna know what I found out? There is no Loch Ness monster. Santa does not exist. The Easter Bunny doesn't bring eggs. Aliens didn't make the crop circles. And, most importantly....people that have ongoing food issues that they refuse to face aren't successful on any diet long term. If we don't face them, it's kinda like the sinking rowboat metaphor....handing them a Dixie cup to bail water with doesn't fix the gaping hole under their feet. The hole will win.
Part of me is very aware that she doesn't believe me. Part of me is very aware of the talk that must be happening at my husband's office. Then again, there's this new part of me that doesn't give a damn. That part of me is getting stronger. This is my journey. Find your own, naysayers. No stowaways! I don't owe you an explanation for my weight loss, and I don't care what you think about me. Frankly, it's none of my business. Have fun talking while I'm getting healthier and my resolve is getting stronger. Hope those candy bars taste as good as the crow you'll eat a few years down the road when I prove you wrong.
So....I smiled, sat back down, and languished in the decadence of my no-stress day, purring the whole time.