I thought it was my imagination! It seemed like the WHOLE weekend revolved around food. All week, DH planned to cook carne asada on the grill Friday evening. As soon as he came home Friday, he heated up the grill and tossed the meat on. Way more excited than he should have been. I didn’t pay it any mind. But I should have known what was happening…
You see, like me, Mike also has a problem with overeating. Growing up as the only overweight person in my home (Dad was overweight –and dead before 40 – but my folks were divorced and we did not have the kind of relationship that allowed me to understand his food demons) it was refreshing as a young adult to meet a man who battled with emotional eating and understood my issues. We supported each and gave each other strength when one of us was struggling to eat well, but we also often commiserated or egged each other on when we wanted excuses to pig out. We were both relatively thin back then so it wasn’t so harmful at first. But, through the years, I had kids, an injury, and no accountability, while he was a military officer and had a physical fitness requirement to pass every 6 months. Sure, he would yo-yo, gaining twenty, thirty, sometimes forty pounds in the few months after the “weigh-in” but his job was on the line so he crash dieted for a couple of months and it always came right off. I was so envious that he could 1. eat with abandon and 2. Melt the weight off with just a short time of effort, while I just expanded and got more and more out of control.
Anyway, since my surgery, I have watched him TRY to control his behaviors, but with minimal success. I assume his weigh-in is around the corner because, looking back over the past few months, I HAVE noticed him getting a little heavier and this weekend was pretty typical of the time right before the big crash diet. He has to work himself up to the crash diet with a few warm up attempts. Since surgery, I am a little removed from his eating habits because he tries to limit my exposure to things that could be tough for me to be around (sometimes) and because I tend to control our meals, giving him less room to choose things that are not on my program. So, I have apparently been missing some of the signs. And when we were just sitting on the couch enjoying a little tv together after dinner last night and he said, “When this is over, I am going to run to the store for a little ice cream,” I was confused. “Why would you go to the store? We just had dinner and there’s plenty here if you want a snack.” Then, he responded, “Tomorrow’s Monday. You know…MONDAY.”
Oh! I get it. Now it all makes sense. The obsession with Friday Carne Asada. The MULTIPLE pints of Ben and Jerry’s in just a couple of days. Dinner at the Thai restaurant Saturday in which he ordered AND ATE not only TWO entrees, but also an appetizer, followed by a trip to Trader Joes “just to see what they have” and THEN a trip to the local grocery store for crème horns and more Ben and Jerry’s. Tonight, the run is for MORE crème horns and Ben and Jerry’s. I’m surprised there hasn’t yet been a 12 pack of beer. But, if this is a “warm up” the beer WILL come. Next weekend will likely be even more out of control.
I DO know. MONDAY. I have had many, many Mondays. The diet starts Monday. I will eat right Monday. I will start my food journal Monday. I will go to GNC Monday. I’ll get the diet latest book, exercise video, diet pills, diet bars, salad stuff, soup stuff, dieter’s tea… on Monday. I will exercise Monday. I know.
But, I just realized that Monday doesn’t matter to me... for the first time in my life! Monday is the same as Tuesday, and the same as EVERY other day. Yeah, I do have days where I feel cravings or ate more than I wanted to. Days where I have to swear off cereal;) But! I have not had that out-of–control, eat-all-you-can-while-you-can feeling that was so overwhelming pre-op. And, I have not had that how-am-I-going-to-get-control? what-have-I-done? regret that was so frequent. AND, thank goodness, I have not had that, “you know…it’s Monday” time-to-start-over experience that is (WAS) so familiar. Perhaps I have been focused on the many other struggles I have encountered during this journey. But, I cannot believe I haven’t noticed this absence of struggle. I cannot believe I have not recognized this…freedom! Today is Monday. Eh, no big deal.