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Month 5 - Panic is ebbing. Yay!

Cindy Lou Who

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Honesty first. Ready? Here it goes:

I will remember these first few months of maintenance with the biggest emotion being --------- PANIC!   Isn't that dumb?!!!!!!!!!?????? 

I have felt grateful for months and months now as I healed from surgery and the pounds started coming off and the clothes got smaller. And I still feel HUGE gratefulness. But, since this forum is the place to be honest, I have to warn others that the biggest emotions I have felt in maintenance have been fear and panic. Picture a figure that looks like a  shar pei dog (with all the  extra skin - wrinkles) mixed with Chicken Little yelling that the sky is falling, and you've got a perfect image of crazy me these last months!! :lol:

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At first I felt like keeping my weight within a 10 pound range felt like standing on the head of a pin. And then all I felt was fear of regain. My weight kept falling, and I felt fear and panic that if I really tried to stop the weight loss, I would regain it all overnight. Or I would start to gain slowly, and not be able to stop the upward creap. Then I had a few lovely days of fearing I had leukemia because my white blood cells dipped low. Geeesh!! 

I'm happy to report that I feel better. I think I'm off the panic train. I had a follow up with my surgeon yesterday, and while he wants me to gain at least 5 pounds back, he is relieved that I stayed the same weight for 3 weeks. And my white blood count came back up some, so he and my PCP are both relieved about that. Whew! 

As long as I don't lose any more this next month, I think I'm good. I'll gain back 5 pounds or so eventually, but actually, I'm in no hurry. I don't remember ever  in my life being "too thin", and I think it's probably not bad to be here awhile in the post surgery honeymoon phase. I want to  be logical about it and slowly gain back a bit and not get cravings and not get scared. That's the main thing. I don't want to fear regain! I want to keep a handle on this! So if right now I can see the ribs on the front of my chest , and my doc and husband say I'm a bit too thin, I'll just take it one day at a time. 

As my blog title suggests, my past has been yo-yo my whole life. So I want to cut that yo-yo string before I do anything else! :)  

On another note, I had a new NSV this week. I took my son on a college visit trip. After I got home, I looked up on my phone to see that two of the days we walked 5 miles while we toured campuses. The NSV is that I wore normal loafers....... I didn't even think about wearing special, comfortable walking shoes on those days, and I never needed them. My feet don't ever hurt any more. Even after walking 5 miles in normal shoes. That's a first!! Yay!! 

Maintenance Diary -

1st month - Range 135.4 - 140 pounds

2nd month - Range 133.0 - 135.4 pounds! 

3rd month - Range 127.2 - 133.0

4th month - Range 125.0 - 128.0

5th month - Range 124.0 - 126.6 

6th month - Starts today! 



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I love your nsv. I was just talking about this same experience. Your story hits home. I have taken one step further, yesterday I saw a nutrition psychologist. I have met my doctors goal weight and he too wants a 5 pound gain for me but I have returned to many of my old eating habits and am scared to gain 5 pounds. I still would love to lose 10 pounds but doctor wants gain. Many head issues going on! The psychological visit has given me a few ways to re-evaluate my thoughts. I pray I can do this. Keep up your journey and be true with yourself!! Yesterday was my one year anniversary, 115 pounds gone!

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3 hours ago, Anita62 said:

I love your nsv. I was just talking about this same experience. Your story hits home. I have taken one step further, yesterday I saw a nutrition psychologist. I have met my doctors goal weight and he too wants a 5 pound gain for me but I have returned to many of my old eating habits and am scared to gain 5 pounds. I still would love to lose 10 pounds but doctor wants gain. Many head issues going on! The psychological visit has given me a few ways to re-evaluate my thoughts. I pray I can do this. Keep up your journey and be true with yourself!! Yesterday was my one year anniversary, 115 pounds gone!

Happy 1 year surgiversary, @Anita62!!!!! And 115 pounds down!!! You are a superstar, superhero, and inspiration!! Way to go!!! Please pat yourself on the back for me. Go on, really do it, right now. :wub:

It does seem like we are in a similar place currently. Thanks for the encouragement  to be true to myself. I always bow to what doctors tell me to do, but I think this time I will at least respond very slowly to his advice to gain. I hear you on the old eating habits. I have found myself doing a couple things from the old days because I have a "weight buffer". But returning to old bad habits is such a slippery slope that I want to nip them in the bud! 

I'm very interested to hear what you learn from your nutrition psychologist. It sounds like a great idea to me and I commend you for taking that path. I hear you on the head issues! I remember @Jen581791 saying they plagued her too in the first 6 months or so of maintenance, so maybe they will get better as we get used to this next challenge of maintenance. This is the most important phase of all, and I want to nail it! So keep up the fight, and let me know how you're doing! :wub: 

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You are both doing great!  I find I am often thinking about food... but only about "has it been too long since I had anything to eat?" rather than some desire to pig out.

 

(Now that I find myself typing this at 3:30 pm, I am thinking I have only had 380 calories, coffee and a small glass of milk today -- better eat a protein bar now - in the past would have had twice that for breakfast alone - I don't need to be obsessive now while in maintenance, just mindful; if not mindful then the old bad habits can rear their ugly heads...)

 

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1 hour ago, BurgundyBoy said:

I don't need to be obsessive now while in maintenance, just mindful; if not mindful then the old bad habits can rear their ugly heads.

I love everything about this statement. I love knowing that I can ease up and not be so obsessive in maintenance. I am trying not tracking in MFP for a few weeks, and it's a nice break. I also love that I need to still be mindful. I'm being VERY mindful as I try to regulate my weight to a steady number.  I also love that we need to be wary of old habits. They are NO GOOD! 

I also keep thinking about the line, I think it's yours, that "you will crave tomorrow what you eat today." It helps me stay away from danger foods because I DO NOT want to crave them the next day! No taste today is worth the craving tomorrow. I love that I crave spinach, sardines, blueberries, and turkey. Makes life so much easier!! 

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So proud of you, Cindy!  I know it hasn’t been easy and i am glad things are settling in for you and you’re adjusting to the new weight and maintenance. I am still in a weird limbo....not thinking maintenance because I am not really happy w/ where I am but not actively losing so i am in a weird spot. I love where you are though and will get there sometime myself but for now, i am enjoying watching your journey and so glad youre embracing the new you!

i love your new NSV.  I feel the same way...i wore regular flats to FL the two times we went in Feb and i only took one pair, not my orthopedics, my sneakers, and then a nice pair....just the one nice flats and i walked miles in them and never felt an ounce of pain! :)

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On 4/5/2019 at 5:27 PM, CheeringCJ said:

So proud of you, Cindy!  I know it hasn’t been easy and i am glad things are settling in for you and you’re adjusting to the new weight and maintenance. I am still in a weird limbo....not thinking maintenance because I am not really happy w/ where I am but not actively losing so i am in a weird spot. I love where you are though and will get there sometime myself but for now, i am enjoying watching your journey and so glad youre embracing the new you!

i love your new NSV.  I feel the same way...i wore regular flats to FL the two times we went in Feb and i only took one pair, not my orthopedics, my sneakers, and then a nice pair....just the one nice flats and i walked miles in them and never felt an ounce of pain! :)

I feel for you so much that you are in a weird limbo. My biggest hope for you is that you're not discouraged! You have come SOOOOO far and are a complete success! I hope you see this, @CheeringCJ. I mean look at that little body in your picture! And it's okay that you're not thinking maintenance, but you are holding your own for months and that's great. I really think this journey is as big a mental challenge as a physical one. One of the things I love about this forum is that we can help each other with our mental challenges. And we can see ourselves in other's steps. Hugs to you! :wub:

Congrats on the nice flats in Florida! Huge NSV, right? I wonder how many of these NSV's happen that we just don't notice. We need to celebrate each and every one!! :D

Thanks so much for being there for me. Your support  has really helped me SO much. Our road is the road less travelled, and I feel so lucky to be travelling it with people like you! 

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On 4/4/2019 at 5:17 PM, Cindy Lou Who said:

I remember @Jen581791 saying they plagued her too in the first 6 months or so of maintenance, so maybe they will get better as we get used to this next challenge of maintenance.

Yes, definitely. I am feeling pretty good about things now, though. Stable, not worried about little ups and downs or challenges. Today I'm having a "bad food day" - I ate an apple too quickly after eating something else, and it just got stuck. Couldn't eat anything else for several hours so way behind on protein and calories for the day. However, I am not worried! I'll have some of what I can eat (cheese and crackers and a protein bar) and do the healthy thing tomorrow. The scale is bouncing around right at the top of my "comfort window" (5 pound range I give myself), but I'm also not worried about that: I'm running a lot and lifting some weights, and I've noticed that my clothes have gotten baggier, so it's probably muscle and not fat that I'm hanging onto. I still have weird head-days where I think I look fat or I feel fat, but the rational portion of my brain is learning to shout down the irrational portion. It's a process. 

Congrats to you in doing so well and starting to make the mental adjustments that maintenance requires. You're taking your situation seriously and working hard to do the healthy thing. That will lead to success!

Edited by Jen581791

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On 4/7/2019 at 10:57 AM, Jen581791 said:

Yes, definitely. I am feeling pretty good about things now, though. Stable, not worried about little ups and downs or challenges. Today I'm having a "bad food day" - I ate an apple too quickly after eating something else, and it just got stuck. Couldn't eat anything else for several hours so way behind on protein and calories for the day. However, I am not worried! I'll have some of what I can eat (cheese and crackers and a protein bar) and do the healthy thing tomorrow. The scale is bouncing around right at the top of my "comfort window" (5 pound range I give myself), but I'm also not worried about that: I'm running a lot and lifting some weights, and I've noticed that my clothes have gotten baggier, so it's probably muscle and not fat that I'm hanging onto. I still have weird head-days where I think I look fat or I feel fat, but the rational portion of my brain is learning to shout down the irrational portion. It's a process. 

Congrats to you in doing so well and starting to make the mental adjustments that maintenance requires. You're taking your situation seriously and working hard to do the healthy thing. That will lead to success!

Sorry took so long to respond! I've been away and I can read on my phone, but not respond. Thanks for the encouragement. It helps so much to know I have mentors looking out for me. And I definitely want to be like you when I grow up! :) You are nailing this maintenance thing, and it encourages me to keep learning and getting better at it.

I have weird head days about food, but not yet about being fat. I'm still getting used to seeing or feeling my muscles and bones under my skin that were hidden in soft fat before. It helps me to be aware that "am I fat?" days may come so I can be ready with the rational-minded answers. I know those days will come! 

Congrats on the 5 pound range. I really want to do that. I have a range now, I think, in mind, now that my weight loss has stopped and things are settling down a bit. But I think i will wait another month or 2 before I set my range for sure. Five pounds seems like such a TINY range after the weight change of 100+ pounds in a year! But I know it's doable as I watch all you TTF heroes. Looking forward to that!

Edited by Cindy Lou Who

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