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11 months.....

CheeringCJ

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So I hit 11 months this week...and it is a surreal feeling.  For some reason (probably because I am motivated by results!) I am very driven by my 1 yr surgiversary....and I am not thinking that is a good thing!  I guess it goes back to my dieting days where you needed to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain function (reunion/wedding/vacation/etc) and when you were drawing closer but not making it, you gave up knowing “it’s never going to happen so why keep trying?”. I have that very feeling this month and in keeping it real, I am sharing it with you!  Part of me is motivated by that “Golden First Year” crap (as if I will wake up on Nov 7th much like Cinderella at 12:01 with the realization that all the magic is done and though it was a great ride, it is over).  Which is really just ridiculous (which is what the other half of me is trying to convince the irrational half!). As if my body had an alarm clock placed in it last November that would go off in one year and grind all weight loss to a halt!  However, you can’t convince my irrational half that that isn’t true and that “it’s over when the fat lady comes back” in Nov!!!!  Such weird mind games that go on in a previously fat, desperate not to back brain!  There are days I wish I had had a lobotomy last November also! :unsure:

Here’s the stupid thing....last year I was so gung-ho and couldn’t wait to start this journey, hoping desperately to get to the 170 pounds my surgeon “promised” me in the first year!!! I couldn’t wait to be 170 this November so I could be the lowest I have been since 1989!!!!  Life was going to be GREAT!!!  Then I hit 170 way early (just into my 7th mo) and was over the moon excited.  I saw my surgeon and he was excited and said go for more, so I felt like it was a guarantee and secretly decided I’d be 150 by my surgiversary.  Now that is such a stretch because I was that when i got married over 34 yrs ago and it was unlikely i could get to (and maintain) my high school weight when i was in my 50s!  But I had seen so many superstars here do it and be wildly successful at it.  

So here I sit at 11 months post surgery fretting over the fact i am STILL 157!!!!  As if that was a curse or something.  Last year it was going to be a BLESSING to be at 170 and now my mind sees 157 as a PLAGUE! What is wrong with my head?  Geesh, get a grip!  I want to rejoice for myself and yet I am stressed over the whole thing and I don’t want to be (which is the worst part, I want to talk myself out of the discouragement I feel and yet I can’t seem to do it right yet).  I was thinking this weekend how I could really ramp things up and still make 150 by 11/6 but then the sober part of my head said “as if!!!” and I gave up my plans to head to the gym!  (Ugh, this girl has got to stop sabotaging herself!).  

So.....how stupid of me to be this way, right?  And the dumb thing is if I was here all the time like I used to be and one of you said what I am saying, I’d be the first to jump on the bandwagon and talk them off the ledge bc I know what reality is and I can easily point someone to theirs but I can’t seem to find my own!  I am hoping it is a temporary insanity and I will get a grip (especially after 11/7 and I don’t instantly turn back into a morbidly obese person so I can just get on with my life as a new normal person!)

This month I did have good things happen....I went down to 155 by losing 2.8# in one week...the week I started strength training....i lost ounces every single day and it was awesome like before.  Then I went away for a long weekend and i’ve been working late at work and been so super busy and skipping my lunches (where I walk 1.5-1.75 miles every day) and not making it to the gym or if so, just for 15 mins!  So I know if I buckle down I can get that momentum back I just have to do it (right, Nike?!?).  I did still lose inches though I didn’t lose weight (I did lose weight but went back up to 158 and got back down to 157 but am stuck there now).  The inches I lost weren’t phenomenal but at least i am still shrinking slightly.  

So how is that for a “cheering” cj inspiring post?  *Sigh*. Just so you know i am not giving up, i am just not feeling it (which really is scary bc feelings got me into this mess in the first place).  I am trying to be rational and not eat my feelings but it is clear how irrational i am that i am upset at my victory not being bigger when it is actually BIGGER than my dr had ”promised”!  Gee, I need to slap myself upside my head and force me back in to reality!  

 



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CJ I think you look great and you have done a wonderful job !!!  If I feel like I am getting bummed over a few pounds, I go back and read my journal from a year ago. That is when I remember how far I have come and that a few pounds aren't noticeable on me anyways. You made your initial goal and I hope you find peace and happiness with that for yourself.

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@CheeringCJ - It sounds like you already know the pep talk you need!!! :) 

  1. You're doing great!
  2. One year is not the magical end of the active losing phase.
  3. You've exceeded all expectations: weight, size, health, etc.
  4. Your health is the most important measure, and you're healthy now!
  5. Dieting with a deadline hanging over your head isn't positive behavior. It's not a race. That's your old diet-brain talking. Just keep being healthy. You'll get where you need to be. It may go quickly or slowly, but honestly, you're already in the "successful" category, so don't rush! Just keeping doing the healthy lifestyle thing.
  6. Give yourself a huge pat on the back!

 

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I agree with Jen, you are healthier than you imagined...what a success! 

Besides, you really ARE the equivalent of the 150 pounder you were 34 years ago; you just have all that extra skin leftover.  That's what my creative math brain came up with before I got rid of the extra 8 pounds of skin.  Which was actually more than I thought.  Don't let diet mentality sabotage the great work you have done. 

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Honey! (sorry, I'm southern and we call everyone honey) Why are you doing that to yourself? You have done FANTASTICALLY well! Weight loss is tricky and doesn't always go on the timeline we think it should. You are doing everything you should and you should be kinder to yourself. 

You stop beating up on our CJ! Knock it off! <3 

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12 hours ago, tracyringo said:

CJ I think you look great and you have done a wonderful job !!!  If I feel like I am getting bummed over a few pounds, I go back and read my journal from a year ago. That is when I remember how far I have come and that a few pounds aren't noticeable on me anyways. You made your initial goal and I hope you find peace and happiness with that for yourself.

Thanks, Tracy.  I should do that, I will go back and read my journey so i can be proud of it and not be annoyed w/ my lack of progress at the moment.  Thanks for the advice!

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9 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

@CheeringCJ - It sounds like you already know the pep talk you need!!! :) 

  1. You're doing great!
  2. One year is not the magical end of the active losing phase.
  3. You've exceeded all expectations: weight, size, health, etc.
  4. Your health is the most important measure, and you're healthy now!
  5. Dieting with a deadline hanging over your head isn't positive behavior. It's not a race. That's your old diet-brain talking. Just keep being healthy. You'll get where you need to be. It may go quickly or slowly, but honestly, you're already in the "successful" category, so don't rush! Just keeping doing the healthy lifestyle thing.
  6. Give yourself a huge pat on the back!

 

That is the funny part, Jen, I DO know the pep-talk I need and I could give it, I just can’t receive it.  I don’t know what is wrong with me..I just have to get beyond this funk!    

1.  I know I DID great, I just want to continue to DO great

2.  I know it isn’t the end, yet it “feels” like it is...totally irrational I know.

3.  I did and I should be super psyched.  If the old me was sitting in my place a year ago today I’d slap myself for being so hard on me for still being 157!!!  Right???  Geesh, how silly is that?

4.  I AM. You are so right!  I had new students come in to campus today and I had booked a computer lab for them and I had to get to one that was way down the row and the rows are very close, yet, I easily went right down and didn’t even worry I wouldn’t fit!  I also had to go to my clinical simulation labs for a class I run and they needed to practice taking vitals....mine are AWESOME....116/68, 62 BPM, and 12 resp!  And I wasn’t afraid of the scale....all very very very different than last year at this time!

5.  I guess the old dieting mentality dies hard!

6.  Pat given! Thanks for reminding me! :)

 

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3 hours ago, msmarymac said:

I agree with Jen, you are healthier than you imagined...what a success! 

Besides, you really ARE the equivalent of the 150 pounder you were 34 years ago; you just have all that extra skin leftover.  That's what my creative math brain came up with before I got rid of the extra 8 pounds of skin.  Which was actually more than I thought.  Don't let diet mentality sabotage the great work you have done. 

I love how you think!!!  Thanks for the perspective!!!  I AM 150....if I could just get the 8# of skin off...haha!  Love it!

That old diet mentality is really a bugger!!!  Arrrgh!

 

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1 hour ago, Cardamom77 said:

Honey! (sorry, I'm southern and we call everyone honey) Why are you doing that to yourself? You have done FANTASTICALLY well! Weight loss is tricky and doesn't always go on the timeline we think it should. You are doing everything you should and you should be kinder to yourself. 

You stop beating up on our CJ! Knock it off! <3 

Thanks for reminding me how fastatic I have done....and that darned time line I am forcing upon myself is kicking me in the gut!  I should be kinder to myself (since I would tell you all that too!)

 

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On 10/15/2018 at 7:41 PM, CheeringCJ said:

I love how you think!!!  Thanks for the perspective!!!  I AM 150....if I could just get the 8# of skin off...haha!  Love it!

That old diet mentality is really a bugger!!!  Arrrgh!

@CheeringCJ, I've been thinking about this blog for a few days, thinking about how to answer. YOU ARE SUCH A HERO TO ME! So my first reaction was anger to whichever part of you is making you feel bad! :mad: Now, cut that out! You, my friend, have been SO successful, and exceeded ALL expectations, so how dare this person make @CheeringCJ dwell on small scale numbers that don't even matter. She's already down way farther than her original dream!! 

Your surgiversary will be a time to reflect on the HERO you are!!!!!! :wub:

But then I remembered that the "mean person" is also you. :)Please just breathe and be kind. Our devils on the shoulder are exposed for what they are now that we don't eat to cover emotions. And it sounds like your angel on the other shoulder will win out with logic and acceptance. Look at your transformation pictures. Really look at them. Put on that goal dress, and remember how you felt when you bought it. Remember how happy the doctor is with you. You made it, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Love and Hugs,

 

 

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10 hours ago, Cindy Lou Who said:

@CheeringCJ, I've been thinking about this blog for a few days, thinking about how to answer. YOU ARE SUCH A HERO TO ME! So my first reaction was anger to whichever part of you is making you feel bad! :mad: Now, cut that out! You, my friend, have been SO successful, and exceeded ALL expectations, so how dare this person make @CheeringCJ dwell on small scale numbers that don't even matter. She's already down way farther than her original dream!! 

Your surgiversary will be a time to reflect on the HERO you are!!!!!! :wub:

But then I remembered that the "mean person" is also you. :)Please just breathe and be kind. Our devils on the shoulder are exposed for what they are now that we don't eat to cover emotions. And it sounds like your angel on the other shoulder will win out with logic and acceptance. Look at your transformation pictures. Really look at them. Put on that goal dress, and remember how you felt when you bought it. Remember how happy the doctor is with you. You made it, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Love and Hugs,

 

 

Thanks, @Cindy Lou Who, and I am right there with you.  I am mad as a hornet at that mean person also!   I am way meaner to myself than i have ever been to anyone else....ever!  I can’t figure out what is wrong with my head.  I have done far better than i even dreamed this time last year (as I turned the page to NOVEMBER and realized the new me was about to begin!).  So why, then, am I so frustrated with my progress?  I remember thinking “if ONLY I COULD get to the 170 my dr said I would....I’d be the happiest person on earth and it would all have been worth it!”  So I have no idea why I have exceeded that and am still irritated. How dare I ask for more out of me and my body!  Ugh!

I have also thought about this blog for a few days...even more, since I wrote it.  I can’t figure myself out.  Why aren’t I satisfied?  I have regrouped and tried to refocus and there are moments I am thrilled with me but there are still moments I am annoyed with me!  I have a feeling once that stupid date (11/6) goes by I will be fine...there is just something about that date that is killing me.  I am just so results driven and I think once I wake up to the 7th I will be over the stupid unrealistic expectations I heap upon myself.

Thank you soooo much for cheering on the cheer-er!  I am sorry I invited you all to my own pity party, but I just want to keep it real here since you guys are the only ones I am honest with about my surgery! You all get the good, bad and the ugly.  You are so sweet to call me a hero,  You are one amazing loser (*meant in only a good way of course) and to have you appreciate my journey means a lot! Thanks, buddy!  I will keep your words in mind as I deal with that devil on my shoulder! 

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2 hours ago, CheeringCJ said:

Thanks, @Cindy Lou Who, and I am right there with you.  I am mad as a hornet at that mean person also!   I am way meaner to myself than i have ever been to anyone else....ever!  I can’t figure out what is wrong with my head.  I have done far better than i even dreamed this time last year (as I turned the page to NOVEMBER and realized the new me was about to begin!).  So why, then, am I so frustrated with my progress?  I remember thinking “if ONLY I COULD get to the 170 my dr said I would....I’d be the happiest person on earth and it would all have been worth it!”  So I have no idea why I have exceeded that and am still irritated. How dare I ask for more out of me and my body!  Ugh!

I have also thought about this blog for a few days...even more, since I wrote it.  I can’t figure myself out.  Why aren’t I satisfied?  I have regrouped and tried to refocus and there are moments I am thrilled with me but there are still moments I am annoyed with me!  I have a feeling once that stupid date (11/6) goes by I will be fine...there is just something about that date that is killing me.  I am just so results driven and I think once I wake up to the 7th I will be over the stupid unrealistic expectations I heap upon myself.

Thank you soooo much for cheering on the cheer-er!  I am sorry I invited you all to my own pity party, but I just want to keep it real here since you guys are the only ones I am honest with about my surgery! You all get the good, bad and the ugly.  You are so sweet to call me a hero,  You are one amazing loser (*meant in only a good way of course) and to have you appreciate my journey means a lot! Thanks, buddy!  I will keep your words in mind as I deal with that devil on my shoulder! 

Keeping it real is important. The good, the bad, and the ugly are all parts of the journey, and this is the place to air out your troubles. Even the irrational ones! 

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