So I hit 11 months this week...and it is a surreal feeling. For some reason (probably because I am motivated by results!) I am very driven by my 1 yr surgiversary....and I am not thinking that is a good thing! I guess it goes back to my dieting days where you needed to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain function (reunion/wedding/vacation/etc) and when you were drawing closer but not making it, you gave up knowing “it’s never going to happen so why keep trying?”. I have that very feeling this month and in keeping it real, I am sharing it with you! Part of me is motivated by that “Golden First Year” crap (as if I will wake up on Nov 7th much like Cinderella at 12:01 with the realization that all the magic is done and though it was a great ride, it is over). Which is really just ridiculous (which is what the other half of me is trying to convince the irrational half!). As if my body had an alarm clock placed in it last November that would go off in one year and grind all weight loss to a halt! However, you can’t convince my irrational half that that isn’t true and that “it’s over when the fat lady comes back” in Nov!!!! Such weird mind games that go on in a previously fat, desperate not to back brain! There are days I wish I had had a lobotomy last November also!
Here’s the stupid thing....last year I was so gung-ho and couldn’t wait to start this journey, hoping desperately to get to the 170 pounds my surgeon “promised” me in the first year!!! I couldn’t wait to be 170 this November so I could be the lowest I have been since 1989!!!! Life was going to be GREAT!!! Then I hit 170 way early (just into my 7th mo) and was over the moon excited. I saw my surgeon and he was excited and said go for more, so I felt like it was a guarantee and secretly decided I’d be 150 by my surgiversary. Now that is such a stretch because I was that when i got married over 34 yrs ago and it was unlikely i could get to (and maintain) my high school weight when i was in my 50s! But I had seen so many superstars here do it and be wildly successful at it.
So here I sit at 11 months post surgery fretting over the fact i am STILL 157!!!! As if that was a curse or something. Last year it was going to be a BLESSING to be at 170 and now my mind sees 157 as a PLAGUE! What is wrong with my head? Geesh, get a grip! I want to rejoice for myself and yet I am stressed over the whole thing and I don’t want to be (which is the worst part, I want to talk myself out of the discouragement I feel and yet I can’t seem to do it right yet). I was thinking this weekend how I could really ramp things up and still make 150 by 11/6 but then the sober part of my head said “as if!!!” and I gave up my plans to head to the gym! (Ugh, this girl has got to stop sabotaging herself!).
So.....how stupid of me to be this way, right? And the dumb thing is if I was here all the time like I used to be and one of you said what I am saying, I’d be the first to jump on the bandwagon and talk them off the ledge bc I know what reality is and I can easily point someone to theirs but I can’t seem to find my own! I am hoping it is a temporary insanity and I will get a grip (especially after 11/7 and I don’t instantly turn back into a morbidly obese person so I can just get on with my life as a new normal person!)
This month I did have good things happen....I went down to 155 by losing 2.8# in one week...the week I started strength training....i lost ounces every single day and it was awesome like before. Then I went away for a long weekend and i’ve been working late at work and been so super busy and skipping my lunches (where I walk 1.5-1.75 miles every day) and not making it to the gym or if so, just for 15 mins! So I know if I buckle down I can get that momentum back I just have to do it (right, Nike?!?). I did still lose inches though I didn’t lose weight (I did lose weight but went back up to 158 and got back down to 157 but am stuck there now). The inches I lost weren’t phenomenal but at least i am still shrinking slightly.
So how is that for a “cheering” cj inspiring post? *Sigh*. Just so you know i am not giving up, i am just not feeling it (which really is scary bc feelings got me into this mess in the first place). I am trying to be rational and not eat my feelings but it is clear how irrational i am that i am upset at my victory not being bigger when it is actually BIGGER than my dr had ”promised”! Gee, I need to slap myself upside my head and force me back in to reality!