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Breathe, Emma (1)

HalvingEmma

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I have this coworker who whenever she gets stressed out she says “Breathe, Tina.” I work in a call center and sometimes life can be pretty overwhelming. There’s always one more call to make, one more dollar that needs to be collected to hit goal, 1 more minute that I need to be chained down by my phone cord to make my productivity goal. 

 

I feel like all week I’ve been telling myself to breathe. “Breathe, Emma.” 

Not just because I’m overwhelmed by a lot of things, but because there are a lot of things in my life. Blessings, burdens, fears, anxieties, questions. Sometimes I just find myself telling myself to stop thinking and just breathe. 

 

This week I took a really big step. I went to my GP and talked to her about my weight. I had a really crazy realization as I was talking to her. I realized how important the mind stuff is going to be in this journey. 

My GP showed me my chart and I crossed over into the obese BMI category in 2011. I was 16 years old. It was also the summer that my life got really, really messed up. 

 

My aunt, who was one of my very best friends died. She was 53. She had a massive heart attack. She worked as an in home caretaker at an agency that helps adults with disabilities. It was 10 days after my great grandma passed away. It’s also when my future step father started being more verbally and emotionally abusive toward my mom, sister, and I. 

 

Whoo. “Breathe, Emma.” Isn’t it kind of crazy how we have these really major life events but we don’t process them until much later? Or how they manifest in ways we didn’t even think were possible? 

 

I realized where I am at currently, my future health isn’t very bright. Both sides of my family have morbid obesity, alcoholism, and heart problems. Those are a big deal. Especially in that combination. 

 

“Breathe, Emma.” 

 

I was totally terrified to take that first step this week. I was terrified to acknowledge the elephant in the room, and to take that really big plunge. I am terrified of heights, and I feel like a kid trying to jump off of the high diving board at the pool. 

 

My doctor said she was really proud of me for making that choice. We talked about getting my weight on track, and what the probability of getting to my goal weight of 140 with and without surgery, as well as what that looks like long term as far as keeping the weight off. It’s not in my favor. 

 

As of right now, my game plan is to meet with the care coordinator in my doctors office biweekly for the next 6 months, then I can have a follow up with my doctor in January, 2019. The goal is to get me educated on my diet, and exercise routines, and how I can better care for myself. 

 

I found out that my insurance does cover bariatric surgery, and I don’t believe they require a 6 month education/nutrition plan, but the surgeon in my local area does require it. 

 

After that period, if my doctor thinks things have progressed well, and I’ve managed to lose a good chunk of weight, she said she will be happy to refer me to the local surgeon to see what my options are. 

 

This week I also have my first counseling appointment to start addressing some mental stuff. 

 

“Breathe, Emma”

 

 Weight this week: 282.4

 

Wins: I took the first step in taking control of my weight, and taking responsibility for my life and my choices. 

 

Setbacks: I’ve been really upset by some family members who I think mean well, but aren’t very supportive at this point.

 

Verse of scripture I’m finding especially encouraging this week: 

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I’m so excited for you! You’re starting a new chapter in your life. That’s scary and overwhelming, but also incredible. I really hope that you losing weight isn’t a condition of getting the referral to the surgeon (do you need a referral?). If you need any extra support as you’re processing through this all or just want to chat, feel free to message me. :) 

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Congratulations, Emma! I think the initial "I really actually have to talk to the doctor about this" day was the scariest part for me. Staring myself in the face in the mirror and knowing I needed to actually take charge instead of "going on a diet" again. Good for you for doing that. 

Like Athena, I'm wondering if the weight loss in the six months is actually a condition for the referral - you might want to ask about that. 

Great job making the decision to work on the head stuff, as well. That's a huge part of the journey.

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12 hours ago, athenarose said:

I’m so excited for you! You’re starting a new chapter in your life. That’s scary and overwhelming, but also incredible. I really hope that you losing weight isn’t a condition of getting the referral to the surgeon (do you need a referral?). If you need any extra support as you’re processing through this all or just want to chat, feel free to message me. :) 

Thanks! At this point I’m not sure if weight loss is a requirement, but the surgeon in my area is the only one for about 2 1/2 hours out that specializes in bariatrics. I’m fine with that result. I’m pretty sure his office requires a referral. Even if he doesn’t, at this point, I think I just want to embrace the process and take things 1 thing at a time. I love and have a really great relationship with my GP, and she has been really wonderful about everything and I feel like the journey wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t do it with her, too. Also, I’ve tried a lot of things on my own and look where it’s gotten me. I think it was Einstein that said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The details will come from talking with my Care Coordinator next week to get a better idea of expectations and what not. I don’t think it’s neccesarily that I have to lose weight, but I need to make a good progression on what I’m learning, what actions I’m taking, and how I’m starting to adjust from my current way of thinking. 

Edited by HalvingEmma

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1 hour ago, Jen581791 said:

Congratulations, Emma! I think the initial "I really actually have to talk to the doctor about this" day was the scariest part for me. Staring myself in the face in the mirror and knowing I needed to actually take charge instead of "going on a diet" again. Good for you for doing that. 

Like Athena, I'm wondering if the weight loss in the six months is actually a condition for the referral - you might want to ask about that. 

Great job making the decision to work on the head stuff, as well. That's a huge part of the journey.

Thank you! I think the biggest fear I was able to pin point it to was that I was fearful of what my GP was going to say. I think I was more scared that she would say I needed to try one more diet. 

I cant say that I would be surprised if I have to lose weight as a condition for a referral, but I guess it will just be clarified in the next week or so! 

 

Thanks for your support, and kind words, Jen! 

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