• entries
    65
  • comments
    534
  • views
    2,924

Catching up

Kio

379 views

Now that I'm out of my first month, I'll probably just be blogging when something feels post-worthy, or when I need to get something out of my head and onto the page.  I've found that as I recover, and as I get further out from surgery, I'm a little less hyperfocused on every aspect of what's happening to my body and what I put into it.  For one thing, it's harder to stay that way - as the first few weeks pass and you start to feel more normal, you head back to work.  And there are holidays to plan, and the dog gets sick, and there are people coming over, and life just starts becoming life again.  

Which isn't to say I'm not paying attention.  I am!  In five days I can try to eat... basically whatever I feel like trying.  It's kind of exciting!  And it's also kind of scary.  I feel like I've been more focused on the scary part, the last few days.  I've said this a few times before... but the more my choices open up, the more I worry about making bad choices.  I think it's party because I don't really know what bad choices look like.  

For instance:  Before surgery, when I'd basically given up on ever losing weight and being healthy, I planned my days around junk food.  How much of it I had, how quickly I could get access to it, how long it would last, whether I could finish eating it before Leah got home.  This was kind of an ongoing bad choice.  A terrible choice.  But it's where I was, and I want to be honest about it.

But that's not the kind of thing I'm going to do NOW.  Post-surgery, I feel like my potential bad choices are different.  My pre-surgery bad choices were made at rock bottom; I feel like any post-surgery bad choices I make are at the very top of a high, slippery slope.  

I've read a lot of posts lately about how people are managing their mental game when it comes to food.  Many have said they don't deny themselves anything entirely - they just eat much less of things, maybe only a bite or a few bites.  Or they plan the event so it doesn't have a great impact on the day's macros.  But I'm afraid of that right now.  I'm afraid that if I have a few bites of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving day, I'll wake up the next morning at 355 lbs again with bags of chips scattered all around me.  Rationally, I know I'm capable of eating a few bites of pumpkin pie without deteriorating into a binge - and in fact that at this point I'm not even capable of binging.  But what if two bites of pie at Thanksgiving turns into a spoon of ice cream a few days later, and a few pieces of chocolate a few days after that, and a week later a small bag of M&M's, and and and and and... ? 

So while I agree that in the long run, saying "I can never have X" is not just as dangerous as eating around your surgery on the regular would be, I think I personally need to hold off on X until I'm more confident in my ability to handle it with brains and moderation.  Maybe that means no pumpkin pie (or whatever) until I hit goal and maintain for a while (assuming I DO hit goal... who knows.)  

In the meantime, I'm just eating what I know works for me.  Today was interesting, though - it was a day without yogurt!  I haven't had one of those in quite a while.  Instead, here's what I ate today:

  • Half a 32 oz iced decaf from Dunkin, with a chocolate protein shake poured in (30 g protein)
  • 3 oz chicken dark meat (21 g protein)
  • 2 oz "taco" leftovers, basically ground turkey with taco spices, a little cheese on top (around 10 g protein)
  • 1 Quest protein bar, divided into two "meals" (20 g protein)

I did really well on protein, which is not weird considering it was one of my busiest post-surgery days yet.  I saw my dermatologist in the morning, then went to the office for about an hour and chatted with people, then came home to collect a urine sample from my dog (she's been having some issues) and take it to the vet, then after I got home from the vet I decided she actually had to be seen today because she looked so uncomfortable and unhappy - so I went back to the vet with the dog.  Then later Leah and I went to the pharmacy to get the meds prescribed at my dermatologist visit from the morning.  I felt like I was on the go almost constantly.  So yay me!

 



15 Comments


Recommended Comments

I'm a few months ahead of you, but I can completely identify with your fears re triggering binges and suddenly waking up fat one day. I think the accountability of being here and interacting with people on this forum might help with this, and I think being REALLY honest in my tracking might also help. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Why bother recording 6 almonds?" and then I remember that it's not about the 6 almonds. It's about being honest about what I eat. It's about the tracking being an actual record of what I consume, not just the stuff I want to enter into my journal. The old WW saw about BLTs (bites, licks, tastes) being the diet killer may be right for me - if it's just a little bit x1000, it's not a little bit anymore, so I make sure I record everything. 

Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? I will probably have a bite, and record it, and move on. But I probably won't try any pecan pie because A. I love it too much, and B. the sugar and calories probably aren't worth the risk of just not being able to stop. 

Glad you were able to have a good protein day, even though you were busy. I've had a few of those busy days make it hard to get in the protein I need, and then end up snarfing down a shake late at night, which always makes me feel like I didn't take very good care of myself that day. You did, and good for you!! :) 

A day without yogurt is like a day without sunshine for me. I could probably count the no yogurt days on one hand.

Share this comment


Link to comment

Good for you. Sounds like you're doing great on protein even on a busy day. 

I Have the same wonders/fears that you (and probably all of is do)...that one bite of something will lead to another and lead to something else etc. that is why I am glad you all have gone before me and I'm learning from you. I was disappointed at first when you said you'll just blog when you come across something post worthy Bc I have followed your process and looked every day for how you were doing and feeling, but I totally understand it and am glad you're at a more "normal" part of your life/journey.  

Share this comment


Link to comment
21 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

I'm a few months ahead of you, but I can completely identify with your fears re triggering binges and suddenly waking up fat one day. I think the accountability of being here and interacting with people on this forum might help with this, and I think being REALLY honest in my tracking might also help. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Why bother recording 6 almonds?" and then I remember that it's not about the 6 almonds. It's about being honest about what I eat. It's about the tracking being an actual record of what I consume, not just the stuff I want to enter into my journal. The old WW saw about BLTs (bites, licks, tastes) being the diet killer may be right for me - if it's just a little bit x1000, it's not a little bit anymore, so I make sure I record everything. 

...

... the habit - the habit! - of honest tracking serves us all well, even when the habits of never having the bites, the tastes, the licks are fully there.

It reinforces other good practices, like the habit of walking or exercise, or the habit of posting here, or going to post-op group sessions at your surgeons' practice.

When you have a web of good habits, harder to wake up with all your weight regained surrounded by empty chip bags. B)

Share this comment


Link to comment

@Kio Thank you for such an honest post about your approach.  I think you are right on the money with the strategies folks use for that first chunk of time when they are back on solid foods.  I can see how allowing one bite of a trigger food is a daunting obstacle and how it might be best to avoid the triggers until you feel stronger in your choices.  I second (or is it third) Jen and BB's comments about cultivating a habit of honestly tracking.  I have been faithful with My Fitness Pal, even if it is for 6 almonds as Jen notes.  As a further measure, if you commit to being honest in your tracking, share it with Leah (or here!) so that you have additional accountability if you think that might help.  I have been thinking about doing that myself for both food and exercise. 

Keep up the great work Kio! So excited to see you being so mobile. 

Share this comment


Link to comment
9 hours ago, BurgundyBoy said:

... the habit - the habit! - of honest tracking serves us all well, even when the habits of never having the bites, the tastes, the licks are fully there.

It reinforces other good practices, like the habit of walking or exercise, or the habit of posting here, or going to post-op group sessions at your surgeons' practice.

When you have a web of good habits, harder to wake up with all your weight regained surrounded by empty chip bags. B)

OK, OK, OK, I'll get the book! ;) 

Habits are the things that pull you through when your willpower has ebbed away. 

Share this comment


Link to comment
10 hours ago, BurgundyBoy said:

When you have a web of good habits, harder to wake up with all your weight regained surrounded by empty chip bags. B)

Chips? *antennae waving*

Share this comment


Link to comment

I also can relate to taking a bite of pumpkin pie then moving onto to other bad food items like M&M's. I do find that I can't eat a lot so taking bites might be okay. However I think that totally avoiding those trigger foods is the best practice.

Share this comment


Link to comment
5 hours ago, Jen581791 said:

OK, OK, OK, I'll get the book! ;) 

Habits are the things that pull you through when your willpower has ebbed away. 

There are days I have no will power, I only have habits and a cupboard bare of chips but full of jerky. Habits + lack of easy access to bad foods. Those can be WLS success days too...

Share this comment


Link to comment
6 hours ago, Carina said:

Chips? *antennae waving*

Yes, chip-seeking insect avatar of @Carina@Sally L  is on to it; chips for me are like salty-crunchy cocaine;  a rush when you eat them, and then a craving for more, with the need to have more to get the same degree of pleasure. And the neuroscience says that sweets and carbs tickle the same parts of the pleasure-center brain as cocaine.

Share this comment


Link to comment
On 10/14/2017 at 3:16 AM, Jen581791 said:

I'm a few months ahead of you, but I can completely identify with your fears re triggering binges and suddenly waking up fat one day. I think the accountability of being here and interacting with people on this forum might help with this, and I think being REALLY honest in my tracking might also help. Sometimes I find myself thinking, "Why bother recording 6 almonds?" and then I remember that it's not about the 6 almonds. It's about being honest about what I eat. It's about the tracking being an actual record of what I consume, not just the stuff I want to enter into my journal. The old WW saw about BLTs (bites, licks, tastes) being the diet killer may be right for me - if it's just a little bit x1000, it's not a little bit anymore, so I make sure I record everything. 

Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving? I will probably have a bite, and record it, and move on. But I probably won't try any pecan pie because A. I love it too much, and B. the sugar and calories probably aren't worth the risk of just not being able to stop. 

Glad you were able to have a good protein day, even though you were busy. I've had a few of those busy days make it hard to get in the protein I need, and then end up snarfing down a shake late at night, which always makes me feel like I didn't take very good care of myself that day. You did, and good for you!! :) 

A day without yogurt is like a day without sunshine for me. I could probably count the no yogurt days on one hand.

I really enjoy yogurt, but in general I try to stay away from dairy for breakout reasons - I've got pretty severe rosacea which flares up when I get too much caffeine or dairy (or sun, or... ;)) So as much as I like it, I'm trying to move into non-dairy protein sources!

This forum is fabulous - a real lifesaver.  When you guys aren't cracking me up or teaching me stuff or answering my silly questions, you're just plain great to be around - it's good to have access to a group of positive people going through the same thing I am.  I couldn't have done this without all of you!

Re: tracking... I'm slacking off a bit on that, intentionally.  I have a tendency to hyperfocus and obsess.  Too much self-monitoring sends me right down a health-anxiety rabbit hole that I find it hard to dig my way out of.  My solution - which is working so far - is to track each day meticulously.  But then I look over how I've done at the end of the day and reflect, see what I can learn from it... and then get rid of the tracking.  So I keep a notebook now, and once the day is done, I throw that page away.  It keeps me from going nuts.

The only exception is my weight, which I'm keeping on a chart, and the list of foods that seem to "bother" my Gremlin (which I keep in self-defense!)

 

Share this comment


Link to comment
On 10/14/2017 at 10:56 PM, CJireh said:

Good for you. Sounds like you're doing great on protein even on a busy day. 

I Have the same wonders/fears that you (and probably all of is do)...that one bite of something will lead to another and lead to something else etc. that is why I am glad you all have gone before me and I'm learning from you. I was disappointed at first when you said you'll just blog when you come across something post worthy Bc I have followed your process and looked every day for how you were doing and feeling, but I totally understand it and am glad you're at a more "normal" part of your life/journey.  

On the bright side, look how quickly I got here!  :)  Recovery was/is superfast.  Just think... by December 6 or so, you'll be gearing up to get back to real life yourself! 

I have to say, though - this week of not posting was kind of weird, so I probably will do it more often anyway - just maybe shorter posts (I tend to ramble... have you noticed?!)  

And - I hope you're going to blog your journey, too!  I'm super interested in how things go for you!!!

Share this comment


Link to comment
On 10/15/2017 at 7:14 AM, CurvyMermaid said:

@Kio Thank you for such an honest post about your approach.  I think you are right on the money with the strategies folks use for that first chunk of time when they are back on solid foods.  I can see how allowing one bite of a trigger food is a daunting obstacle and how it might be best to avoid the triggers until you feel stronger in your choices.  I second (or is it third) Jen and BB's comments about cultivating a habit of honestly tracking.  I have been faithful with My Fitness Pal, even if it is for 6 almonds as Jen notes.  As a further measure, if you commit to being honest in your tracking, share it with Leah (or here!) so that you have additional accountability if you think that might help.  I have been thinking about doing that myself for both food and exercise. 

Keep up the great work Kio! So excited to see you being so mobile. 

I was just telling Jen that I'm committed to my tracking - but not to keeping my tracking.  I've got this tendency to hyperfocus and obsess about health stuff, which sometimes leads me into health anxiety which - well, let's just say it's never fun for anybody in my vicinity.  So I'm tracking each day, but at the end of the day I'm getting rid of my tracking sheet - sort of taking my accountability day by day.  The exceptions are my weight, and my list of foods that seem to "bother" my pouch.  Weight because that's how I know how I'm doing - like taking my temperature! - and the food list for reasons of self defense.  ;) 

One thing I MIGHT be able to do, though - without getting too much into my own head - is to basically report here somewhere how each day goes.  Have we got an accountability thread, or anything like it?  If not, maybe I should start one!  Just a place where people can post how their day went with regards to their shoulds and shouldn'ts.  I could see that being super useful.  I know we have a "what did you eat today" thread, but it hasn't been touched in quite a while.

The mobility is such a huge benefit!  I'm amazed by how fast it's come back.  Before I really committed to the idea of WLS, I felt so hopeless about it - like there was nothing that could ever change it.  Yesterday on the phone with a coworker I mentioned I'd gone for a walk of "only about a mile and a half, but at least it was something" - and she pointed out to me that six months ago I couldn't walk from the parking lot of our building to the lobby without stopping to catch my breath!  Now I have hope that I can be active and happy and healthy for the rest of my life, and that's an amazing feeling!

 

Share this comment


Link to comment
31 minutes ago, Kio said:

On the bright side, look how quickly I got here!  :)  Recovery was/is superfast.  Just think... by December 6 or so, you'll be gearing up to get back to real life yourself! 

I have to say, though - this week of not posting was kind of weird, so I probably will do it more often anyway - just maybe shorter posts (I tend to ramble... have you noticed?!)  

And - I hope you're going to blog your journey, too!  I'm super interested in how things go for you!!!

I love rambles!!! haha! I do so myself :)

I will be 7 weeks post op at Christmas, so not too bad!  I told the girl I work with that had it and she said I would be great by Christmas and I was thinking the same thing about you doing so well close to the 7 week point!  See you're my guide....anything Kio can do, I can do too!

Share this comment


Link to comment
16 hours ago, Kio said:

Re: tracking... I'm slacking off a bit on that, intentionally.  I have a tendency to hyperfocus and obsess.  Too much self-monitoring sends me right down a health-anxiety rabbit hole that I find it hard to dig my way out of.  My solution - which is working so far - is to track each day meticulously.  But then I look over how I've done at the end of the day and reflect, see what I can learn from it... and then get rid of the tracking.  So I keep a notebook now, and once the day is done, I throw that page away.  It keeps me from going nuts.

Sounds like you've found a system for tracking that works for YOU, then, which is, of course, the point! :) I'm not sure my long-term keeping of my tracking is important - it's really the same-day, "have I had enough protein yet?" tracking that I focus on, and I rarely look back on previous days, so I don't see any reason why your "throw the page away at the end of the day" tracking would work any less well in keeping you accountable than saving it online. Although I suppose I'm providing lots of data points for whoever data mines the MFP website - gotta keep the corporate overlords happy  <_<

I'm finding that as I go along, I have a better idea of whether I'm hitting my goals for the day. I guess that's what tracking for 270 days in a row, or whatever number I'm up to. It's all about awareness and honesty, I think. I have a long history of totally kidding myself about how much I've been eating, especially since I usually have eaten really healthy food, just too much. 

It sounds like you're finding the sweet spot between focusing too much on the minutiae and not paying attention at all.

 

Share this comment


Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...