Now that I'm out of my first month, I'll probably just be blogging when something feels post-worthy, or when I need to get something out of my head and onto the page. I've found that as I recover, and as I get further out from surgery, I'm a little less hyperfocused on every aspect of what's happening to my body and what I put into it. For one thing, it's harder to stay that way - as the first few weeks pass and you start to feel more normal, you head back to work. And there are holidays to plan, and the dog gets sick, and there are people coming over, and life just starts becoming life again.
Which isn't to say I'm not paying attention. I am! In five days I can try to eat... basically whatever I feel like trying. It's kind of exciting! And it's also kind of scary. I feel like I've been more focused on the scary part, the last few days. I've said this a few times before... but the more my choices open up, the more I worry about making bad choices. I think it's party because I don't really know what bad choices look like.
For instance: Before surgery, when I'd basically given up on ever losing weight and being healthy, I planned my days around junk food. How much of it I had, how quickly I could get access to it, how long it would last, whether I could finish eating it before Leah got home. This was kind of an ongoing bad choice. A terrible choice. But it's where I was, and I want to be honest about it.
But that's not the kind of thing I'm going to do NOW. Post-surgery, I feel like my potential bad choices are different. My pre-surgery bad choices were made at rock bottom; I feel like any post-surgery bad choices I make are at the very top of a high, slippery slope.
I've read a lot of posts lately about how people are managing their mental game when it comes to food. Many have said they don't deny themselves anything entirely - they just eat much less of things, maybe only a bite or a few bites. Or they plan the event so it doesn't have a great impact on the day's macros. But I'm afraid of that right now. I'm afraid that if I have a few bites of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving day, I'll wake up the next morning at 355 lbs again with bags of chips scattered all around me. Rationally, I know I'm capable of eating a few bites of pumpkin pie without deteriorating into a binge - and in fact that at this point I'm not even capable of binging. But what if two bites of pie at Thanksgiving turns into a spoon of ice cream a few days later, and a few pieces of chocolate a few days after that, and a week later a small bag of M&M's, and and and and and... ?
So while I agree that in the long run, saying "I can never have X" is not just as dangerous as eating around your surgery on the regular would be, I think I personally need to hold off on X until I'm more confident in my ability to handle it with brains and moderation. Maybe that means no pumpkin pie (or whatever) until I hit goal and maintain for a while (assuming I DO hit goal... who knows.)
In the meantime, I'm just eating what I know works for me. Today was interesting, though - it was a day without yogurt! I haven't had one of those in quite a while. Instead, here's what I ate today:
- Half a 32 oz iced decaf from Dunkin, with a chocolate protein shake poured in (30 g protein)
- 3 oz chicken dark meat (21 g protein)
- 2 oz "taco" leftovers, basically ground turkey with taco spices, a little cheese on top (around 10 g protein)
- 1 Quest protein bar, divided into two "meals" (20 g protein)
I did really well on protein, which is not weird considering it was one of my busiest post-surgery days yet. I saw my dermatologist in the morning, then went to the office for about an hour and chatted with people, then came home to collect a urine sample from my dog (she's been having some issues) and take it to the vet, then after I got home from the vet I decided she actually had to be seen today because she looked so uncomfortable and unhappy - so I went back to the vet with the dog. Then later Leah and I went to the pharmacy to get the meds prescribed at my dermatologist visit from the morning. I felt like I was on the go almost constantly. So yay me!