Saw the colorectal surgeon today. Apparently I have issues well beyond a mere hemmeroid (which explains the OMG I WANT TO DIE pain). I'm back on serious pain killers, a cocktail of other medications and he's looking to schedule me for a surgical procedure next week. I feel slight relief since taking the medication. Bless physicians who actually care for their patients quality of life.
While I was there, I inadvertently talked a nurse out of having the VSG after discussing my medical history. I tried to reassure her that my complications were rare, that my initial surgeon wasn't great, and that even though it's caused me lifelong issues, it still bettered my life in so many other ways. She said she was on the fence about it, but that my experience basically "sealed," it for her. I hope she reconsiders her stance. Anyone who could benefit from these surgeries shouldn't let fear prevent them from seeking out treatment.
I'm also starting a new medication for the spasms as they have become unmanagable and they're occuring every day. Tomorrow I'm supposed to start going into the AIC center for daily transfusions as I can't maintain hydration due to the spasms/vomiting.
It also appears that 2-3 weeks from now I'll be going back in for surgery to remove the tumor they caught on the CT scan. It grew over a centimeter in a 2 week span. I am terrified of possibly losing the organ it's attached to. I can't psychologically cope with the idea.
I am honestly exhausted from all of the pain, and now the fear of the upcoming surgery. Any time I have to go outside I inevitably cry in public due to a spasm or rectal pain, and at worst I've screamed from it. I loathe to make a scene, but it's uncontrollable. It's a humiliating experience.
I'm trying to remain positive.