Dees

I'm in trouble.

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Good luck with it all Rosie x Thinking of you

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Please know that you will be in our prayers.  You will be able to beat this.

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Good , Smart and strong people sometimes are put in front of big problems in life , but because they are good , Smart and strong they overcome everything and emerge better , smarter and stronger ....you can do it and you will.

Best of everything for you.

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I noticed your absence and have missed your insight. I am so proud of you. I am also a previous anorexic, then bulimic, who dove head first into obesity. I am so glad your sharing your struggles.

 

Recently, especially initially post op, the feelings of anorexia and bulimia came back. I was eating such a small amount and shakes were making me want to vomit. I told my NUT and she suggested to move up a stage to keep me from vomiting and re-enforcing those harmful behaviors.

 

I wish I could hug you! ((HUGS))

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prayers and hugs out to you, so glad you are getting help

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I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Thanks for all the help you gave me and many others.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cathy

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I'm seeing a counselor. Let me get that out first, before I say anything else.

It's very hard for me to say anything publicly. Let me say that second.

A lot of you will judge me harshly. There are few people who will understand this. Lots of folks think it's hogwash. It isn't. It's real. It can happen to anyone.

I have recently relapsed into bulimia. I'm not proud of it, and I've been gone for a while, getting my head wrapped around it. I'm seeing someone, but I'm caught in a downward spiral and it's not good.

One afternoon, no one was home. I was on autopilot. I went into the bathroom and neat as you please, vomited into the toilet, standing up, spilling not a drop, without so much as a cough or unnecessary gag.

It scared me so bad after it registered what is done that I sat on the side of the tub for half an hour and stared at my feet.

I made an appointment the next day to start counseling. I need help.

It's not BS. This is an illness. I have a compulsory addiction. We believe it is related (as any disorder is) to stress, environment, and a few other things. I am not crazy. I have an addiction.

This can happen to anyone. Some are more prone to it than others. It doesn't make anyone better than me. It doesn't make me less of a human being. I just have a problem and I have to work through it.

I won't be around nearly as much. Some people will be thrilled (to be honest, some would dance on my grave if they knew id kicked the bucket). Some will not.

There were enough inquiries on my personal well being that I thought I would say something publicly, as hard as it is to do. Sometimes you have to put your pride aside and just do it.

I'm not logging anything right now. I think I recognized some time ago that it was inducing this state. My counselor confirmed he does not want me to log right now.

Please don't take this as a "poor, pity me" post. That isn't the case. I just wanted to give an explanation and an apology, if I've disrupted anyone's lives.

I may be back one day. It depends on how quickly I get this under control. I have lost 12 lbs in two weeks. This is not a good situation at all and I have to take care of myself before anything else.

If you're the type to pray, I will take all the help I can get right now.

- Rosie

 

Rosie,

 

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling right now. But good for you for catching it quickly and moving to get it under control.

 

I sincerely hope the responses you have received assure you that you are not being judged or criticized and you have so much support from your TT family! Even those who may disagree with you occasionally;) I realize I don't "know" you but I feel comfortable enough since we have shared similar goals (helping others succeed at WLS and feel supported while still giving strong, sensible guidance) for quite some time here on TT to say... be kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself too harshly, just switch to your logical side (I can tell from your post that you are actively moving yourself to that perspective... that's a good way to approach this) and get on top of this thing. It will always be a battle, but you KNOW that and haven't once tried to fool yourself. And you WILL find what needs to be done to get yourself to a healthy equilibrium, whether it's counseling, a change in meds, avoiding the forum for a while, journaling, finding a healthy "transfer addiction," or whatever else works.

 

I am sure you are going through all sorts of stuff right now trying to juggle daily life while getting this thing under control. I also understand how vulnerable it can feel to need serious support and have to publicly admit you are not in control-- at the moment. It sucks! You are very brave to let us in and your experience will assure others that they are not crazy and not alone. Focus on yourself right now and know that you have a team of cheerleaders and a slew of background support rooting for you! We will be here when you find you are ready to talk (or just to join us again without talking, if that's what you need.)

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I am just now seeing this Rosie, and I am sending positive energy your way. I do understand your struggle, I have been hospitalized for bulimia in the past and the thoughts are always right there for me, even after years of therapy. 

 

I am hoping you are OK, knowing you are so incredibly brave to talk about this here, and I am feeling profoundly helpless. 

 

you have my number if you need anything.

Edited by ✿ Aprilwine ✿

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Thanks to all of you for the support. It means a lot.

I won't go on and on about it. It's hard. But I'm not a martyr. This isn't about drama.

I told a friend, it's kind of like this:

You know that package of cookies on your counter? The one you walk by every day for weeks, and there's no problem at all? Then one day you walk by and it's like you're on autopilot. You cram one in your mouth. Didn't even think about it. Just did it.

Then suddenly all you can think about is those damn cookies. That's all you think about. How wonderful it would be to feel the crunch on your tongue, to feel it sliding down your throat, to feel that chocolatey goodness. MMMM. That's all you can think about.

Well, YOU can throw that package away.

But I can't throw the toilet away.

That's the difference. That's what's going on. It is a constant battle. I feel like I'm fighting a war.

It will be ok. I will be ok. But it's going to take time to put it back in remission. Maybe they'll dig up something to make this all make sense and make it go away. But I doubt it. It's just always going to be hard.

I was fooling myself to think I could do this alone. I am definitely going to keep going to my psych sessions.

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You got this, Rosie, we're all pulling for you! Bumps in the road are just that, you get past them. All of us here get the battle and you are a very strong woman. You'll beat the demon.

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I have always loved reading your posts, very insightful and funny too. I know you will defeat this demon, you have come so far.  Like others have said this is just another bump in the road and you got this.  I will miss seeing you here but take care of yourself.

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For those who don't have first hand experience with long term bulimia- It's hard to eat in safety as a recovering bulimic - period.

 

It often starts as a coping mechanism and for some of us becomes a part of our daily lives and second nature.

 

There is shame and secrecy, obsessive thoughts and promises made in your heart that slip through your fingers. Only other bulimics truly understand this, the daily struggle, the feelings of helplessness and the isolation. I was an active bulimic for over 20 years, it's not something "you can just stop"  

 

You are in my heart Rosie, stay strong, keep talking and be kind to yourself. You have so much support here and I know you will fight this with everything you have - you are a survivor. 

Edited by ✿ Aprilwine ✿

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I know exactly how being on Auto-Pilot is. You're always in my thoughts n prayers hon. Hugs 

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The fact that you recognized it so quick and are taking action speaks volumes to how much you want to fight this.  Hang in there and know that there are a lot of people in your corner!

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I'm seeing a counselor. Let me get that out first, before I say anything else.

It's very hard for me to say anything publicly. Let me say that second.

A lot of you will judge me harshly. There are few people who will understand this. Lots of folks think it's hogwash. It isn't. It's real. It can happen to anyone.

I have recently relapsed into bulimia. I'm not proud of it, and I've been gone for a while, getting my head wrapped around it. I'm seeing someone, but I'm caught in a downward spiral and it's not good.

One afternoon, no one was home. I was on autopilot. I went into the bathroom and neat as you please, vomited into the toilet, standing up, spilling not a drop, without so much as a cough or unnecessary gag.

It scared me so bad after it registered what is done that I sat on the side of the tub for half an hour and stared at my feet.

I made an appointment the next day to start counseling. I need help.

It's not BS. This is an illness. I have a compulsory addiction. We believe it is related (as any disorder is) to stress, environment, and a few other things. I am not crazy. I have an addiction.

This can happen to anyone. Some are more prone to it than others. It doesn't make anyone better than me. It doesn't make me less of a human being. I just have a problem and I have to work through it.

I won't be around nearly as much. Some people will be thrilled (to be honest, some would dance on my grave if they knew id kicked the bucket). Some will not.

There were enough inquiries on my personal well being that I thought I would say something publicly, as hard as it is to do. Sometimes you have to put your pride aside and just do it.

I'm not logging anything right now. I think I recognized some time ago that it was inducing this state. My counselor confirmed he does not want me to log right now.

Please don't take this as a "poor, pity me" post. That isn't the case. I just wanted to give an explanation and an apology, if I've disrupted anyone's lives.

I may be back one day. It depends on how quickly I get this under control. I have lost 12 lbs in two weeks. This is not a good situation at all and I have to take care of myself before anything else.

If you're the type to pray, I will take all the help I can get right now.

- Rosie

I was wondering where you got off to

no judging here

just hoping you get the help you need and make a speedy and complete recovery :)

you are very helpful to a lot of people and honestly i enjoy your frankness (and butt crack comments)

 

good luck :)

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Just want you to know I am thinking of you each time I come on this forum.  My prayer is that you find peace.  I am sending all the extra grace I have to you each day.  

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Praying for your strength and continued road to recovery

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Just checking in on you hon. Will message ya soon. <3 

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Sorry I missed this thread Rosie.  Ive been a bit spotty lately too.

 

As you can see, this forum is full of people who admire and respect you - including me.

 

You've got this - mainly because you recognize you have the problem.  You are NOT in denial about it and that is 95% of the battle.  You're smart, strong and resourceful.  

 

And we have your back.

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Hello Rosie,  Praying for you!  I think you are stronger than you think to admit and recognize your addiction.  I will miss your posts and I hope you return as soon as you are able.  You have meant a lot to many people on this forum.  Hang in there!

Barb

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Thinking about you and miss you terribly!

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Sending prayers.

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Checking in.

Have lost 23 lbs now, since this began. I appreciate that there is no judgment in this thread, but I see it elsewhere and I have no intentions of returning yet...not sure at this point if I will. Pretty sure I won't.

There are always people who believe they are better or above certain things. Always.

I can't be around the backhanded negativity right now. I just cannot. They win. No more from me. I am just going to cut this out of my life.

I sincerely hope those people who are perfect never ever fall down. That is not sarcasm. It is sincere.

I am quite done, thank you.

Now, let the text-fest begin about how much of a drama queen Dees is. ;)

Have a good life, folks.

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Do what you need to do for yourself, that is all that's important. Good job on the weight loss, seems by your stats you just hit a major milestone...the 1's, congratulations1

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