stakeda

Stacie's Journal (stakeda)

478 posts in this topic

So, I went and saw my therapist this morning. We really got down to the nitty gritty today. After speaking with my siblings, many memories have begun to fly through my head.

Okay ya'll, if you don't want to hear graphic truth, just click off now. Because I'm going to tell you all the truth about some of my past that I have been in denial about. :eek:

I was very little. Maybe between five and ten years old. I remember laying on a couch. Actually, I remember being forced to lay on a couch. I was crying. I remember a lady and a man holding a paddle or a belt, threatening to spank me. I remember that it's Joe & Jean, long term family friends of my parents. I remember where everything sat. The T.V., the sofa, the dining room table, the plants, etc. I almost remember the smell in their house. I don't know if I was being forced to take a nap. Or, if it was something MUCH worse! So, I called my mom and reminded her of a story she told me. She had told me that "Joe" had been molesting his daughter since she was twelve years old! :eek: "Oh", but my mom said, "you don't understand.....Cathy liked it. She was all over Joe. You should have seen how she would climb up into his lap. It was disgusting!". WHAT?????? What the Hell are you talking about MOM? How could you blame an innocent child? My God! #%$? So MOM, if he molested his own daughter, what makes you think he wouldn't molest me?????? Oh my GOD....was I molested? :mad:

I don't know what to think. My therapist feels that it's funny that I don't remember very much from my childhood, but I remember these incidents vividly. I'm confused. And I can't cry. I don't know why. Put a "Lifetime" movie in front of me and I'll cry my eyes out. But talk about this kind of stuff and I don't shead a tear? WHY?????? :confused:

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Stacie,

I'm feeling your pain right now. I'm sorry about your childhood memories. No child should have to go through that. I'm so glad that you decided to talk about it though because you're one step closer to understanding why it is that you can't cry about it. We love you Stacie and are here for you whenever you need us. So what if you had a glass of wine? You recognized what you did was not something you want to continue to do. Don't beat yourself up for it. If you need an ear to listen to, call me! Send me an email and I'll give you my phone number friend.

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We are all here for you girlfriend. I am so glad you are able to go to therapy and discuss what you are thinking. I just want to let you know you can call me or email me anytime. I will be here for you. We can chat and eat chili lime almonds together....a few that is! Take care of yourself my friend and remember you have a huge group of friends that are here for you. ;)

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Okay, so today was the worst day in the history of man.

See, my niece came to visit me. This was the daughter of my drug addict brother and my sister in law that I suspected of drinking again. Well, my WORST suspicions came true. I finally convinced my niece to tell me the truth. YES, my sister in law and her husband were using again. Yes, they are drunk and addicted again. Keep in mind that my niece had to come live with me when she was five years old because my sis in law and my bro were using and way out of their minds. My niece, awefully troubled, was dropped on my door step at the age of five. My sis in law, whom I LOVE, was in prison. My bro, whom I have no respect for, dropped her off on my door step, for a family visitation, and never came back. So, I kept her for a while, then her grandma took her, then she ended up with my sis in law's family. These people mistreated her. I feel so guilty for this.

Anyway, Nicole (my niece) is back into the same situation again. It's not her fault. She didn't ask for this.

I called her mom & step dad. The step dad admitted to everything. Her mom remained in denial, kinda. She admitted guilt, then she denied, then she admitted, then she denied. I don't know what to think. Except for the TRUTH. She's drinking again. She can deny it all she wants, but she's drinking again.

So, they came to get Nicole tonight. Her mom looked like $hit. She is bloated and tired looking. She's drinking again...No denying it. There is nothing that CPS can do to help me. There is nothing the Police Dept will do to help me. There are no bruises or obvious signs of neglect or abuse. So, there is nothing I can do.

I love her. I feel defeated.

:mad:

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Stacie,

I will keep you, your niece and your family in my prayers. If nothing else can be done, maybe the power of prayer from all of us will help during this difficult time. You know...they say you should always go with your first instinct and you were right! Don't let this get you down though. Know that things will get better. Remember that we're here for you Stacie.

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You should not take any responsibility for your nieces perdicament. It's not your fault either that people mistreated her. I'm very sorry to hear that someone you love is hurting, but it's not your fault. Let go, let God! When we feel defeated we have to give this over to a higher power, because it's out of our control.

It sounds like you've tried all the legal ways of protecting her and that is admirable of you. Nicole is very lucky to have you as her aunt. I'm sending you hugs and prayers your way.

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It's been a long time since I've written in my journal. I have been a busy girl lately.

Today I took Bridget to get her plastic surgery procedure done at La Palma Hospital. I woke up at 2:30 am, showered, and drove to La Palma with her. She was very calm, until about 7:30 am. At that point, she put her head in her hands and just sat for a minute. I could tell she was nervous & upset. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm nervous", she said. It broke my heart. I know how that feels. Well, her procedure went well. She looks great! :P She's a trooper. I'm proud of her.

I left the hospital at 3:00 pm. I picked up Isaiah from daycare. He misses his mom (Bridget). We're going to call her in a few minutes so he can talk to her. He and I went to the grocery store and bought all his favorite foods. He's happy. He's watching Cartoon Network. Life is good. :cool:

I had trama yesterday. I'll write about it tomorrow.

I had a good day today. I was promoted. I'm going to make about six figures a year. WOW. Never thought I'd make it there. Exciting. :D I'll write about that later also.

I had a BLAST with "my girls" this weekend. Still smiling about it.

Gotta call & check up on Bridget.

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Stacie,

Bridgie is lucky to have a friend like you.

Sounds like you are doing wonderful!! 6 figures??? WOOHOOO!!

Lookin' good...feelin' good!!! You go, girl!!!

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Wow, the time is flying by so fast now. I'm super busy and I never get onto the forum anymore. I try, but unsuccessfully. :(

I went to my therapist today. I am having to answer some hard questions with myself right now. Why am I not taking care of me before I take care of everyone else?

For instance...My right eye has been bothering me for about six months now. It's like I'm looking through a cloud or through thick fog. I have known that this is a symptom of catyract. But, I've ignored it. So, the other night, my daughter accidently poked me in the other eye with her fingernail. Well, guess what? I couldn't see out of either eye! :eek: How scary is that? I swear, I was blind for about 48 hours. It was horrible!

So, the question is...why did I let six months go by without setting an appointment to fix my right eye? I spent plenty of time helping other people, dedicated to my work, taking care of my kids, etc. Why do I insist on focusing on others and not myself? :confused:

So anyway, my niece and her parents had another tramatic experience last week. Mom & dad were still using and my niece called me in dispair. I don't understand why these two are using again. Her mom has been sober for seven years now. How can this happen? Well, her mom called me after detoxing for five days. She's sober now. Seven days sober. :)

My new position at work is demanding already. It's stressful, but I like it so far. I think I'll do just fine in the position. Well, that's what everyone is telling me in the company. I hope I live up to their standards.

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Stacie

You will do great at your job. You are such a hard worker and they are very lucky to have you. We are all lucky to have you as a friend.

XOXO

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I swear I have to make more time for "me". I seem to be spending every minute either working, mothering, bossing, etc. Just no time hanging out with "Stacie".

I found out that I actually DO have a catyract in my right eye. The Optimologist said that, at my age, this usually only happens when you've taken a big "blow to the head", or some perscription drugs can do this (none of which I have taken). I really couldn't connect what may have happened to cause this type of health problem. Then, I spoke with my best friend, Christy. She reminded me that my ex-husband used to beat me up when he felt like it. :eek: Oh my God, that's it! That must have been what one would call a "blunt trauma". What a jerk! He scarred me for life! Anyway, I have to have surgery to remove the catyract. This sucks! December 15th, I have to go in and have my eye dialated. Weird.

So, my ex-husband is staying with his brother in Oahu, HI. He is actually off of drugs and trying to get his life back together. So, he called me collect the other night and asked for my advice about how to deal with his brother's resentment towards him. What was my answer? "Paul, you have been a MAJOR A$$ to everyone in your family for years. Humble yourself and do whatever you brother tells you to do. You are at his mercy and you deserve everything you get!" Believe it or not, he took my advice. And in the mean while, he apologized for constantly beating me up, both verbally and physically. He acknowledged the fact that he probably caused the catyract in my eye. He apologized over and over. I acted like I don't care either way, but I guess WAY DOWN DEEP INSIDE, it does make a difference in some way or another. :rolleyes:

Anyway, I like my new position with the company. I feel comfortable in my abilities there so far. I hope I live up to the expectations.

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I had a really good time yesterday. I picked up Bridget and went to my best friend's house for a Party-Lite Candle Party. Man, those candles smell good! I bought my favorites. Can't wait to burn them.

Then, we went to grab a bite at Chinese Restaurant in El Cajon. Funny, we ordered way too much food, as I ALWAYS do. I don't understand why I can't shake this habit. I can't possibly eat more than a 1/2 cup...why do I insist on ordering 15 cups of food? Ridiculous!

After eating, we went to Pam's son's house for a Cookie Lee Jewelry party. I got some really pretty earrings and a necklace. I've noticed that I really like dressing up more, now that I've lost weight. I also have noticed that I'm willing to draw more attention to myself by wearing pretty jewelry and stuff like that. Hummm, funny that I never noticed that before. :o

I have realized that I've met some of my best friends through Dr. Callery's support group. These are my sisters. They "get it". They really understand me. It's hard to find good friends like this in life. It really is.

Thanks Dr. Callery! For everything you have done for me. My life is going good. :D

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You are so worth all the good that can come from the universe! I'm so happy for you!

I totally understand wearing of jewlery. I've been wearing more lately too!

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Hello Stacey it's me Jeanie. One of your pod mates. It's nice to hear that you are doing so well. I have good days and bad days, but mostly good. Are you going to be at the holiday party on Saturday? I am going to go, so I hope to see you there.

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Hey girl, it's your other podmate here! Don't forget about the Christmas Party at Dr C's office on Dec 16th, I really hope to see you there. I won't make it to the OH lunch/party on Saturday. My company party is the night before and I plan on being hung-over on Sat. Hope to see you next week though!

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Hi Pam,

How are you doing? How is the weight loss going. I have lost about 70 pounds. Not to bad huh??

I will be at the X-mas party at Dr. C on the 16th. Also good luck with the hang over.

On Thanksgiving I had two sips of wine for our toast, and I was drunk. So one drink should put you over the edge. Have a great time at your party, and I look forward to seeing you on the 16th.

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Well, I've really been so busy lately. I traveled Wednesday through Sunday last week. I worked straight through. I'm pooped.

I really miss my friends on the forum. It seems that I have disconnected a bit.

Jeanie,

Thanks for your note. I didn't realize that there was a party on Saturday. I'd love to go. Where is it??? Let me know. I think I've lost about 70 lbs just like you. Seems like we're in the same boat. I'm so glad to hear from you Podmate. You are often on my mind.

;)

So anyway...I have an issue that has to be dealt with right now. I'd really appreciate some feedback from my members of the forum.

I have not received any child support for my kids for most of the 11 years that I've been divorced. Recently, I found out that my drug addicted ex-husband has sobered up and moved in with his brother & wife in Oahu, HI. He now has 3 jobs and is contributing to society. Well, "good" I say. But, then I received a letter from the District Attorney's office. They explained that I will start receiving child support in about 4 to 6 weeks. Well, needless to say, this SHOCKED me! :eek: Well, I want you to know that, in history, I would have GLADLY taken the money, without remorse. But, for some reason, I felt compelled to make an alternative decision. I really felt that I didn't want to kick my ex when he was down. But, my best friend and my sister were REALLY upset with my decision. They felt that I need to collect all that I can for now. They feel that "he owes me". PERIOD. I spoke with my mom, whom I thought was going to agree with my sister and my best friend. But, to my surprise, she agreed with me. She felt that the benefits I receive will be "short lived". I would possibly be "investing in my kids future" by not taking his money. My sister & my best friend have VERY FAIR ARGUMENTS in regards to this subject. But, I feel that my mom and my dad have VERY FAIR ARGUMENTS in regards to this situation.

I would really appreciate any feedback on this subject. I feel torn.

My kids feel that 6 months of me sending the money back to him to help him get back on his feet would be acceptable.

By the way, I have asked him to send my kids an envelope monthly with money in it. Not only to help my kids see that their dad really loves them enough to contribute to their livleyhood, but also to contribute to his own self-esteem. He agreed.

How do ya'll feel about this?

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Stacie,

That is a very tough decision. My ex-husband has been in prison and never paid a penny of child support. I know that I would make him pay only because he will not give up the 1% custody that he has. If he gave it up, I wouldn't have the district attorney after him. My kids want nothing to do with him and it is absurd for the courts to give him 1%. He doesn't even have visitation rights.

What I think is if you give your ex an inch, he may take a mile. He may be sobered up now, but what about in 6 months?

Whenever my ex gets out, he goes right back in. He always claims he will straighten up, but never does. I don't know your ex so, it is hard to tell. You are very smart and it is your decision. I know you will do what is right for you.

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Well Stacie, I have to tell you that I have accepted the money that I can get from my ex-husband. He always vowed to be there for the kids even though we're divorced. In June of 2002, he remarried the wicked witch of the South, East and West. She along with their drinking problem, convinced him to move away from California and they now live in Colorado. He let the kids know that he was leaving and moving out of state in about a 45-minute visit. That was the last time they ever saw him or heard from him. :mad:

Basically, he ran away from his responsibilities, so with the help of my WONDERFUL husband, we located him in Colorado and gave all of the information to Family Services. He did not work for one year, but was receiving letters from the courts of San Diego as well as the Federal government. Bill and I want to adopt each other's kids, so Bill played private detective and drove to Colorado to find him to have him sign papers over to Bill. My ex refused to sign them and ended up getting a job as soon as Bill returned home. As soon as his social security number got into the system for Federal and State taxes, Family Services proceeded to take money away from his paycheck to start paying me the arrearages he owes. I don't feel sorry for him or his "wife" that he's not getting the measley $230 taken away from his paycheck. To this day, he still hasn't contacted the kids and it's been a year and a half. We're still pursuing adoption procedures and hopefully that will be done in the beginning of next year. At the time that Bill becomes the kids' legal dad, my ex won't have to pay child support but he will be responsible for paying me the $10,000 + in arrearages.

Stacie, every situation is different. If he had not acted in the manner that he acted towards his own children, I would have probably done the same thing that you are considering doing. But because he is married and has a wife that works and because he chose to "run away and hide" from us, I will take what I can get from that you know what.

All I can say, is pray about it Stacie. You will know the right thing to do. :o

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Bridget knows more of the details on the X-mas party. I am pretty sure that her and I are going to ride together. Hopefully you can make it I would love to see you.

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My initial thought was, what is in the kids best interest. I can see both sides of this issue.

Your ex-husband is sober, making money, making the attempt. He needs some responsibility for his children. "By the way, I have asked him to send my kids an envelope monthly with money in it. Not only to help my kids see that their dad really loves them enough to contribute to their livleyhood, but also to contribute to his own self-esteem. He agreed." I think this is a great way of doing this.

You have done a wonderful job raising your kids, they are good kids! Never loose sight of that accomplishment Girlfriend! You now make 6 figures, Congratulations again! I understand that you don't need his money now. By allowing him to give the kids something from him monthly is a great idea.

You are very intellegent and I trust that you will come up with the right solution for your family. My thoughts are with you!

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Stacie,

I completely understand where you are coming from. The matter of the money is the principle not the monetary value. I think having him send money to the kids each month is a great idea. Your heart is in the right place. However, as you know a lot of people don't really change forever. Before I lost my twins, John and I had many discussions over this. Him being a cop and all was all afraid that I was going to have him pay through the nose. However, I told him that I would love nothing more than for him to sign his rights over to me and be done with him once and for all. He of course wouldn't go for that knowing that twin girls would be a chick magnet. So his briliant idea was to split the girls up and each of us take one for a year at a time or he have them half of the year and I have them the other half. First of all, I would never have considered letting him have my girls in another state by himself. With all the women that walk through his door I didn't need my children getting confused. I just know that he was a complete jerk off and even though I would have had the right to take him to the bank, I decided I didn't want to. The main reason I didn't want to was because if I made him pay child support, I knew he would make me allow him visitation rights. He works 12 hour shifts, which one of his "hoe's" would be watching my kids then?? Ya know?? I know that isn't your situation but what I am saying is that if you feel it will benefit your children and him then do what you need to do. However, you should make this contingent on the fact that he write the kids or call them as well, so that he is communicating with them other than monetarily. Also make it contingent on the fact that he stay clean and sober and if he messes up, he loses his "free reign" does that make sense?

I am just glad I am not in your situation. Good luck to you girlfriend.. let us know if there is anything we can do to help.. love ya!!

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such a touchy issue girlie...... this is what I do... Elijah's dad is here in town and working as a security guard at a bank... he cant be making more than $12.00 an hour. He has his bills and rent, etc.. I know his bills are not my monkey :D BUT when I had Elijah full time I never asked for child support. Vinny for the most part is a fantastic father, and I knew taking any money away from him would directly effect the things he was able to do for Elijah, ie taking him on trips, renting jet ski's, going to the movies, shopping... whatever and to me that was priceless, Vinny sacrificed alot to be a dad to Elijah... giving up his carrer in the Navy and avoid being sent over seas, and I appreciated that...... but what kind of relationship does your ex have with the kids? can you put a price on it? I bet you can.... but I can totally feel the other side of what is going on in your mind. Isaiah's dad does not live here and abdonded us when I w as 8 months pregnant..... fair enough, shame on me and my poor judgement, right? I have mixed feelings regarding support with this situation because I enjoy not having to be accountable to his dad, I raise him they way I want to... and so far I have to say I have done a great job, he's a great kid without a dad or child support, but then the scorned part of me wants to rake him over the coals for hiding out and thinking he could just ignore his responsibilities... so far he has done a pretty good job of it... he is still MIA!

I wish I could guide you on this my friend, but maybe sharing my thought processes may help. I do think that your obligation is to your kids, not helping your ex get on his feet.. he's a grown man that is his responsibilty not the kids. Perhaps keeping the courts out of it, and just having him promise to send out XXX amount of dollars to the kids each month would mean so much more to them... and you. Good luck sugar pea!

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Stacie:

Child support is never a black-and-white issue...it's all gray. It sounds like your idea for your ex to send envelopes with money every month is a GREAT solution. However, a word of caution. If you haven't already done so, please make certain that you still follow through with a court order. This will ensure that if your ex decides to stop contributing, you can legally protect your children's rights to support.

In my case, I was stupid enough to let my daughter's father talk me out of filing for support for 11 years! He knew I was vulnerable and used my feelings for him to escape a court order until Megan was 11. I always thought that I could file for back child support at any time and get it. WRONG. I found out the hard way that you cannot collect child support and arrears until there is a court order in place. I gave up 11 years of support that Megan could be using right now for college expenses.

Please don't forget that your children deserve that money and may need it in the future.

Anyway, it sounds like you have everything in control. Good luck.

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Well, I really appreciate the feedback from all of my friends on the Forum. I really love ya'll. It helps to see other's prospectives.

I do have a court order and have since my divorce. He was ordered to pay a measley $323 per month for BOTH kids. He never has. He owes me a lot of money.

I'm still weighing the pros & cons. Right now I'm feeling like I need to keep this money for my kids. It's their money, not his. My son completely changed his view on this. He's decided that his father needs to step up to the plate now. My daughter totally disagrees. She feels that we shouldn't kick a man when he's down. So, the house is divided in this subject. I don't know.

I'm going to see my therapist on Friday at 4:00 pm. I'm going to hear what she has to say about this.

Everyone had really excellent points. All of them make perfect sense in their own way.

I'm so confused.

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