stakeda

Stacie's Journal (stakeda)

478 posts in this topic

October 15, 2004

Tonight was such fun. I went to the surprise birthday party that Christina threw for Stuart. I had a great time with everyone, Bridget, Kim, Dale, Tonya, Christina, Stuart, and his beautiful extended family.

It was a nice setting at a local restaurant. I was comfortable in my own skin, the first time in what seems to be ages. Bridget, Kim, and I all shared a meal, which we had to pack up "to go" for my two teenagers.

So, the party is progressing quite nicely..... then Christina approaches me out of the blue, believe it or not, for the first time in a long time, someone actually wanted to give me his phone number. :D Where's this coming from? What? He is actually interested in me? :confused: It's been a while since this has happened. How do I feel about this? :confused: Hummmmmmm....

Then I remembered this morning...I sat in the office of my WONDERFUL therapist, Jeanie. I cried. I explained to her that my life is out of control. "What's wrong with me Jeanie?" "I feel so out of control of my feelings right now". "I'm always in control....I can't deal with these demons that are surfacing!" Ahhwwwwwww... ... ... she exclaimed... "this is just the beginning...." So, here we go... Stacie is finally going to face the demons. Ewwwwww....I don't want to face them. But, too bad. Here is the beginning of my emotional healing.

Thank you for sharing it with me.

Hold on... ... ... I think it may be a bumpy ride. :eek:

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That is so cool! Watch out, all of those guys are after you! You deserve it! You are so beautiful and what man wouldn't want your phone number. Don't get me wrong, you know I am not that way. :)

We had a blast and I sent all of you the pictures, but had return mail on your email address and Bridget's. Do you 2 have new email addresses that I can send them too? Let me know. You all looked awesome. To Tonya, Bridget, Christina, Kim, Stacie, and Stuart.... Tino and I enjoyed the party.

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Anyone who wants to post the picutres, go for it. I still haven't mastered posting of pictures. Everyone looked GREAT!!

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Hey there butterfly girl :D

Thank you so much for sending the pictures of us. I have private messaged you with my work email address.

And thank you for the compliments. :o I'm learning to feel good about myself again.

I had a great time with all of you last night. Lets do it again!

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Stacie,

I sent them over to your work. Hope you enjoy! :)

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Hey all,

So, today is Saturday and I had to work. I am usually off on Saturday and Sunday, but one of my employees is on vacation so I am working for her.

Anyway, last night, while driving to Stuart's party, I spoke with my eldest sister, Ginger.(She's about 8 years older than me) Now, I haven't spoken to Ginger in over a year. But, Ginger is the one sibling who "really" remembers what my childhood was like. See, I can't remember too much about my childhood. I don't know why. So anyway, Ginger proceeded to give me her opinion on the situation. She told me that my mom, whom I thought was very nurturing and giving, really wasn't. She explained that my mom was emotionally absent most of the time and SHE (Ginger) basically was left to raise us kids (my siblings). Meaning, my mom depended on her to really help out with us. And she resented it. Who could blame her? Hell, she didn't have us...my mom did. So, why should she be responsible for us? Anyway, my sister is bitter and pissed off at my mom. She doesn't talk to her. I really can understand her position.

I guess, from what Ginger says, my mom had a "brief affair" on my dad when I was really little. My dad freaked out and moved us all, as a family, away from that environment. It was the middle of the night...we were all asleep in our beds...my dad stormed into our rooms, packed up our stuff, and moved us out of there. My mom denies it. I don't know who to believe.

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Stacie,

I will try and send them again. Maybe your work blocked them because of the megapixel size. I will send them individually. On my end, it says they went through. I am gonna resend now. Hopefully this time it will work.

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Hey girl...I want to encourage you to share as much as you'd like with us about what you are going through! It helps SO much just to voice things and get them out. I know, this is going to be a helluva ride with your emotions and realizing just how "little" control we have over situations is VERY hard to deal with. I am a super-control freak too and letting go, even a little, can be a life changing experience. (I leave claw marks in just about everything! <LOL>)

I just wanted you to know that I can relate. I found out some CRAZY things about my family, myself, and my mother when I was 29 and I still do not deal with it well. All in time though...everything will be fine.

Love ya girl!

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I had the best time Friday night too! We all should do that again really soon!

The only way to move forward from here is to go back into our past and stop feeling like we are to blame for things that were out of our control. I've been through that with my psyc from years ago. I do know where you're at, it's going to get rough, but it's going to free you from that burden. There will be tears and that's okay. It's a way of cleansing. You're going to be stonger for it!

Yes, I can totally believe that that guy wanted your phone number. You are so beautiful! Love your new Avatar!

Here's to emotional healing!

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Today is Sunday. Since one of my employees is on vacation I was supposed to work today, but too bad... I didn't feel like it. So, I didn't. Gosh, everyone needs a day off, right?

Anyway, I spent the day with my 14 year old daughter, Amanda. We got her hair cut, waxed her eyebrows, and shopped a little.

When we finished grocery shopping, Bridget called me. We were talking about our Halloween costumes. Bridget finished her "Wonder Woman" costume. She's excited. I'm excited for her. This is a milestone, being able to pull off a costume like that. Then we began to talk about "the guy from Stuart's party". I explained to her that I spoke with him last night. He wasn't what I expected. See, I've always dreamed of a guy that would be interested in me, as a person. Not my sexual side or interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY affectionate and sexual woman, but that's not what I want a man to focus on. I want him to focus on treating me like a "LADY". He seemed nice enough, but I felt some RED FLAGS showing up during our conversation.

Is this just my insecure side showing up? Or is this guy just looking to "hit it"? I don't know. But what I do know is that "if he's looking for the goodies, he should keep looking, cuz they're staying in the jar". :D (That one was for you Bridget)

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Well guys Aaron and I had so much fun at the party on Friday. We didn't want to leave but he had to go to work.

You guys gave me such a big head that night telling me how good I looked. You know I think its actually making me see the skinny girl inside. I went home and just looked in the mirror for like 5 mins on how much I've changed.

Bridget, Stacie, Kim, Dale, Christina and Stuart you guys all looked great and thanks for the good time.

Stacie girl you look great so I bet there was more than one guy there who wanted your number.

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I am glad you just posted about your thoughts n stuff, I'll try not to hijack your diary too often BUT last night I was on the phone with GB and he told me I am a control freak... I told him no way am I control freak, and what he meant, I needed an example, etc. I didnt know what he was talking about, but then I just read your post... I am a control freak! I lose it so easily when things dont go as planned, I hide it, I laugh about it, I mask it, because MY life is good... blah,blah, blah.... man.... I am so happy that I finally went to counseling... I need to tell her about this! I am ina constant state of tug o war with my emotions... when will it stop, sometimes I think I need a miracle as well as a therapist. Thanks for sharing.... I appreciate it and you you sugar pea!

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I just want to say that you're doing a great job, Stacie. I started dealing with all of my childhood/family drama about five years ago, and although I am much more happy and emotionally stable now, it took a few rough patches in order to pull through. I don't envy the work that you're starting right now - but know that you are doing exactly what you need to do in order to make this a lifetime change for yourself. I very firmly believe that the best indicator of our long-term surgery success is how emotionally honest and stable we are. Dealing with the issues of why we turn to food for comfort is essential to not being in that place again.

If you ever need someone to talk to about this, please feel free to send me an e-mail or give me a call (Bridget has my number too.) Believe me, I've probably heard it before - my family is a disaster, and I've learned over the past four years to set good boundaries and deal with the aftermath. I'm currently working on an altar for the Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) holiday, and although the altars are usually dedicated to someone in particular, I've dedicated it to child abuse and neglect. I've been putting the altar together with photos, journal entries, etc., so I'm right in the middle of all of this right now if you need a friend to talk to.

Keep up the great work, Stacie! :D

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Today is Monday. Monday's are so hard for me at work. I have reporting pressures to upper management, answering why we aren't hitting the numbers they are expecting, etc. Arggghhhh! :mad:

I'm having a hard time with alcohol. The first thing I want to do when I get home at night is pour a glass of wine. I've been this way for about a month now. I kept to myself about it until last week, when I finally confessed this to Bridget, Kim, and my best friend. I need to stop this insanity! If it's not one addiction, it's another. Why do I have such an addictive personality? :confused: Well, I can give you a little family history that might explain it.

My grandmother (on my mom's side) died at the age of 44 from Serosis (sp?) of the liver. She was a full blown alcoholic. My grandfather (on my mom's side) was a full blown alcoholic until my grandmother died. He had to be put into an insitution to sober up. He hasn't had a drink since. He's over 80 years old, bless his heart.

My mother, although not a drinker, is REALLY addicted to perscription pain meds. She would adamantly deny this. But she is definitely addicted and has been since as long as I could remember. One of my main memories of my mother was that of her taking pills, closing the door to her room, which was very dark, and sleeping for hours at a time. I love my mom very much. But she was raised by two full blown alcoholics who would drop her off at the picture show and leave her there all night long to watch the movie over and over while they went to the bar. She didn't have a role model to teach her how to parent. And she has never been to therapy to resolve her childhood issues. So, I feel she just keeps numbing them. She needs to stop the insanity and heal herself.

My father is addicted to food and religion. God bless him. I love him, but I think he's going senile. Drives me nuts sometimes. I'm worried he may be suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease because every time he talks to me, he tells me the same story.

My sister, Leeanne, is an alcoholic. She drinks every day, even in the morning. She denies this also, but I've seen it with my own two eyes and when she talks to me in the morning she is slurring in her speech. Either she is still drunk from the night before, or she's already been drinking in the morning. I guess the later due to my whitnessing her do so. I love this sister so much. I have asked her to go to therapy at the same time as me in order to get to the bottom of it. I have also asked her to go back to church and go to AA. She hasn't done any of it yet. I hope she will come around.

My little brother, Matt, is a major drug addict. He hasn't been consistently clean since Jr High, I don't think. He lies, steals, etc. just to get what he needs to buy his drugs. I love him, but I've had to cut him off financially and in some ways emotionally. I'm sorry Matt, I love you but I can't enable any longer. :(

Okay, so you all know my family history of addiction. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. I don't want to be an addict of anything. I just want this all to stop. All of the cravings to cover up whatever it is that we are all trying to cover up. Help me!!!

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Your honesty and pain came through the computer and really touched me, I'm in tears. Bridget, you and I had very similar situations growing up, maybe there are more among us that can also relate.

Know that you can rise above your family drama through therapy and better yourself. Next time you want to pour yourself that glass of wine, you call me. We'll virtual walk together, or talk, or I'll teach you how to knit to pass the time. What's important, is that you figure out what's triggering the need, just like with eating when we're not hungry. This is what takes time to figure out. It's hard work.

Stay strong, hold your course, and lean on us when you feel the need.

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Yes stacie you may come from all of that but you are a better person. I mean I know for a fact you are a better parent than your mom ever tried to be. When you get home from work and want the wine have you ever thought about giving one of us a call to let us talk to you. Maybe we can see something you don't on why you want the wine. If you ever need to talk remember we are here. You can pick that phone up night or day and call me. I would be glad to help in any way I can.

Just remember stay strong and this to shall pass.

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Today was a productive day at work. I'm feeling quite accomplished.

Then, instead of drinking wine, for the third night in a row, I went to work out at the gym. It feels good to work out all of my stress. Those endorphins are a great natural high.

I spoke with my sister, Leeanne, tonight. I have invited her, once again, to share this emotional discovery with me. She says she'll come on to the forum tomorrow. I told her to be prepared. She may not like what she reads. But these entries are just my perspective. This isn't about her, my mom, my dad, my brother, etc. It's about me and my journey. Whoever doesn't like it, I'm sorry.

So she explained to me what she remembers about being a child. She remembers my mom shut up in that dark bedroom of hers ALOT. She remembers receiving the "Pig Of The Week" award from my parents, every week. She wasn't very tidy. But, in my opinion, they humiliated her weekly with this award. For that, I am angry with them. This could have been handled in a much more productive fashion. I feel it affected her self esteem. Not to mention the fact that my mother always introduced the two of us to strangers as the "pretty one" (me) and the "smart one" (Leeanne). What kind of $hit is that? Hell, she was a beautiful girl and I was very smart. Why did my mom have to label us like that? Do I do that to my kids? I need to check myself because if I do, I need to stop! That can really screw someone up. She reminded me of some of our good times with our parents, like our family vacations. But, you know what I remember about those family vacations? I remember playing with my siblings and friends. I barely even remember spending time with my parents on them. Hummmmmm....

Well, enough for tonight. It just started to rain again. I really love the rain.

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Stacie,

You are an incredible lady. I am in tears after reading your posts. That you can see all this and are taking steps to rectify things is wonderful. I have a lot of family issues that I have not examined too closely but I know the time is coming when I will have to. My mom, who is also my best friend, was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease last week. This is something we suspected, but having it confirmed officially has been really hard for me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need anythng please let me know. Big hugs. I love you Podmate :)

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Stacie,

You are very brave to enter into this period of self discovery and to share it with others. One thing we all share is screwed up families, all to different extents. The thing that is important is to examine your past, deal with it, learn from it so that you break the cycle with yourself and your children and then most importantly let it go. This is the hardest part of the process. You have to forgive those that we less than perfect (your parents) and move on with your life not allowing the past to rule it. Again this is the hardest part.

Good luck on the rest of your journey. I am proud of you for putting that wine glass down. You are using it to numb your feelings like food used to. You will never heal until you feel the feelings and learn to deal with them. I know easier said than done. Keep up the fight and get help if you need it.

I know of what I speak, I am a recovering MO, who was sexually abused as a child. I am married to a recovering alcoholic who was emotionally and physically abused by two alcoholic parents. So we have done a lot of healing and recovering over the last few years and are breaking the cycle in our lives as to not continue it with our children. Isn't that the whole point?

Much Love,

Mary

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Stacie,

Your post was so honest and sincere. Your thoughts and tribulations made me cry. I feel so much pride for you when I realized that you are asking for help instead of hiding from everyone. That means that you have identified there is a problem and that you don't want to even go there. You are going to be fine my friend.. just keep working out or whatever it takes to keep from taking that drink. We love and care about you too much to allow you to go on like that. You are a wonderful Mother don't even worry about that. You adore your children and they know it. Sometimes you give them much more then they need and that may be your way of compensating for what you lacked as a child?? It's ok though... they only grow up once and I think you are doing a great job with them. I cannot relate to your post as my Dad is just the greatest man in the world.. however, I'm not even going to get into a post about my Mom. My brother as well is a heavy drug addict and has been since he was in Jr. High. He is currently 23 or 24 years old and waiting to go back to Prison. He nearly killed himself and another person while driving under the influence of methamphatamine.. and of course My MOM blames the court system for not being FAIR TO HIM!!!!!!! Grrrrrr sorry wasn't going to go into that.. lol Either way Stacie, know that you are not alone girlfriend.. and we are all here for you. I will take you to those AA meetings if you want or need to go yourself.. I love you girl.

Pam,

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. (((((((((Big hugs)))))))))) and know that you are not alone either.. we are here for you to lean on any time you need us.. Love you girl..

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I think we all need a big (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

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Why do I have so much drama around me? Why do I get involved in the drama? Why did I have a glass of wine last night? What's going on with me?

I just got off the phone with my brother's ex wife, whom has been clean and sober for about 7 years. Well, I think she was drunk. This is the second time in about a month that I have suspected it from her. The first time, I thought maybe I was mistaken. But, this time I'm almost sure I'm right. There are too many signs. I'm so upset and disappointed. I was so proud of her.

So what did I do? I called my sister, whom was obviously recovering from her binge last night. What does she say to me? "I thought you were going to not worry about everyone else anymore?" Translation: Stay out of our lives and let us stay drunk for God's sake!

Okay. So, the "writing is on the wall". I need to separate myself from all of these people for a while. Because I'm never going to heal properly until I get away from the chaos.

I then called my mom. She, although has issues of her own, I feel has the best advise, which is what I just said. Separate myself from al of the drama and concentrate on me.

I think all of my friends on the forum are the healthiest people I know. I am thankful that God placed all of them into my life. Never have I been so honest before. Never have I felt so non-judged. Never have I felt so safe.

Well, I fell off the wagon last night. But, I got up this morning and worked out for an hour. I feel good. I'm going to pick myself up by my boot straps and start over again. I'm not a quitter.

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Stacie,

Everything you do to better or change yourself can only happen one small step at a time. Speaking out was a HUGE step all at once.. you just focus on you and do what you knew you had to do.. step away from all of the drama and focus on Stacie!!!

We're all human, we will make mistakes, we will fail at times.. but the failures are not what matter.. what matters is what we do after we fail.. if we pick ourselves up and get back on track we have not failed at all then.. only stumbled.. just remember you are not alone. We do love you and your utter and complete honesty.. you are such a valuable person to me.. and I know others feel the same..

Take care Stacie.. we're here.

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Hey Podmate

YOU are the most important person in your life. You have made sacrifices and put others first in the past. It is time for you to put you first. You are a very special and deserving woman. As a parent and a daughter I know what it is like to place others before yourself. But we both need to learn to let others help themselves. Anything worth having is worth working for. If you ever need a shoulder please call me. You are very special to me and I hate to see you hurting. I love you podmate, big hugs.

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