11 replies to this topic

[HeatherNicole]

I have told a select few people about my upcoming surgery on March 1st. EVERY person has said "you're so pretty now! Maybe just lose a bit on your own to get healthy!" These comments DISGUST me. Do they not think that if the years of dieting and exercise had worked, I wouldn't need this surgery in the first place.

I spoke to a post-op friend yesterday who's now a personal trainer, runs bootcamps for post-oppers, and he said "you're a cute now..you'll be a knockout after this is done"! I can't help but be both flattered and disgusted/offended at this comment. I know fat is not sexy. Guys that I date consistently tell me how beautiful I am, how gorgeous I am, etc, but they say it about my face! Never about my body!

I'm just worried as to how I'll deal with people commenting on the weight loss post op. I'm not one to welcome compliments to begin with..I feel embarrassed for both myself and the person complimenting me, as if they and I should both feel embarrassed for thinking I look even remotely good.

Did anyone else go through this?

[Caffe]

I never had the pre-op stuff, but having lost 140 lbs so far, I hear it all the time now.  People asking how much I've lost, how much more I'm going to lose, are you done yet, wow you're getting skinny, etc.  I wonder how anyone can call ME skinny when I'm still 217 lbs and I'm in a size 16, but I guess after them seeing me well over 300 for a number of years, I'm definitely a lot smaller than I was.  

I did tell people that I work with after I had the surgery.  I told a few beforehand, but I was afraid of being judged as to why I was having the surgery and I didn't want people to tell me any "horror stories".  After I was back to work, I told people that asked why I was out for 3 weeks, or if they commented on me losing weight and asked how I was doing it.  The reason behind that is that I work with a very large group of people and many of them are gossips.  I figured it was best to tell the truth than to be caught up in the gossip circles.  

Around the holidays, I was on the second floor of our building (I'm rarely up there, usually stuck in my cube down in IT) and a sales manager came up to me to tell me I looked awesome.  I said Thanks, and continued on my conversation with the other person.  Compliments are difficult to take, because we've spent so many years beating ourselves down.  You will be fine... just wait and see.  As you lose weight, your confidence will skyrocket and you will be able to accept a comlpliment without feeling guilty about it.  

Lisa

[swizzly]

Yeah, one of the reasons I didn't tell people about surgery (particularly beforehand) was because I didn't want any of their dumb opinions. For while I am very generous in giving my unsolicited opinions to people LOL, I do not want to hear any crap from anyone. Heh. I hope you can ignore the dumbness...soon you will be laughing last...  

[tata2758]

I totally know how you feel! I didnt really tell many people about my choice to have surgery because I was afraid of peoples reactions. So many people see bariatric surgery as a bad thing or very drastic when "you can just do it yourself" uggg...its so annoying. I eventually told some of my closer friends as the surgery date got closer. I had some friends who were very supportive and excited for me. I also had friends who told me I was making a horrible decision, that I was stupid, and that I should be able to do it by myself the "healthy" way (as if I hadnt tried to before). But ultimatly it is OUR decision. And I am happy with mine! I am 1 week post op today and am so happy with my choice...regardless of what people had to say I know this is what was right for me!

[Milie]

I can so relate to this. On so many levels.
First off was with one of my best friends. When I finally found the guts to tell him I was going through the surgery, he literally went mental at me. "How can you do this to yourself? How can you let someone butcher you like this? Can't you lose any weight on your own? Are you that effin lazy?"... I just answered that WLS was far from being an easy choice, that I was doing it because I had tried everything else before and that it was my LAST chance.
He didn't see it that way. He kept being an a-hole so I've been ignoring him ever since.
I don't need people like that in my life, especially not just now.
I've told about it to barely no one. Even with my family knows nothing (apart from my Mom who knew a while after I started the process). I hadn't told any of my brothers, I didn't see the point. One lives in the US and the other one has a gossip queen/stupid b*tch as a wife. I didn't tell him because I knew that if I did, all her bloody dumb family would know about it. I just decided to tell him because after all he's my brother (and got serenaded into doing it by my mother, for obvious reasons).
I talked about the surgery in front of his wife as well, because he can't keep a secret from her. She well could be working for the CIA interrogating people, I swear. I made sure to tell her not to talk about this to anyone at all. Believe it or not, for a while, she didn't. She kept annoying the cr*p out of me telling me that I will soon be able to "look like a sl*t" - really - and that I had a beautiful face anyway. I so hate when people say that "But you have a beautiful face" - meaning the rest of your body looks like sh*t.
Yesterday I showed up at her place to give little handmade bags to the kids for school, one of her friends that I had never met was there and she knew all about it, asked me a million questions and stuff. Needless to say I popped a vein. I think she can still hear me yell at her today. I went mad. I'm to blame as well, I knew what I was going for. But I was hoping this time it would be different.
Oddly enough, my brother was incredibly supportive. He said he was very proud of me and that he loved me very much. Me being all PMS constantly I burst into tears. I was shocked in a good way. My eldest bro US based learnt about it from his son, my nephew, who called while I still was in the hospital. He called me afterwards and asked. He said pretty much the same things than my other bro. I am truly grateful I'm surrounded by my two big brothers, they're different but caring all the same.

Long story short, keep the good people around you - those who care and support you. Those who have time to talk about it gossiping have very, very sad lives induced by/with boredom.

We know why we did it, why we're doing it. And that's more than enough to keep moving forward

Edited by Milie, 08 February 2012 - 07:07 AM.

[jules74]

I only told those closest to me, the most supportive, of my decision to have surgery initially. As I got closer to the surgery day, and more brave and solid in my decision, I told more and more people around me. I kind of felt like eventually, very soon, the jig will be up and they aren't blind...they will be able to SEE I am chrinking and put 2 and 2 together to figure out I had surgery. I was afraid people would be negative but for the most part people were very positive and supportive.

I am tall and was technically not super-big (255 before surgery) but I have been overweight to morbidly obese my entire life. What reaction did I get from about 98% of the people I told that I was having surgery?? They would say "Really?? But WHY?"
Are you kidding me???
All my life I've been told by people and doctors that I needed to lose significant weight. Was made fun of as a kid. Had adults, as I was growing up, make inappropriate comments about my size and now that I decided to do something about it they ask me WHY??
It would flabbergast me.
Of course, when I would then explain that I was obese, had diabetes, high blood pressure and high triglycerides and that I had fought my weight since the age of 4 then they would "get it".
Even now when we tell some people that I had it done, people who didn't know, they still seem shocked and ask "why?".
I found it so ironic that I was always reminded that I needed to be smaller then when I was going to go have surgery to be smaller, people were surprised.
Very odd to me.

[ckcalif42]

People used to say "But why" to me too and I would respond with "Because I weigh as much as a NFL linebacker" and that would shut them up. I don't think it's that easy to SEE the weight we carry - I had it on my fingers, my calves, my everywheres....

Christy

[Emsielee]

I can also relate.  People always told me I had 'such a beautiful face', uh huh.  Or 'your eyes are stunning'.  Never anything about my body and why would they? It wasn't just the physical appearance it showed I was unhealthy and making the wrong choices. I have always been big, I was born a fat baby (seriously, I was like 10lbs).  So I have never ever been able to take a compliment and I always assumed they were a.) being overly nice or b.) lying.  Only two people know I have had this operation - my Sister and my Fiance, I did not want to tell anybody in work, even my closest colleagues, it is none of their business to put it bluntly (but I won't get into that again I posted similiar on here and the responses I got were upsetting).

Anyways!  When the fat melts away, like it has with me (although I still feel monsterous) you may find that you have to work on your confidence.  I am now trying to do just that.  But ignore any comments, good or bad, you are doing this for yourself, no other and if they don't like it well, say you don't like their haircut, they will soon shut up

[JanPuppyLover]

Like many, I told very few people about my surgery for the same reason that Dee mentioned (and I quote her) :

"For while I am very generous in giving my unsolicited opinions to people LOL, I do not want to hear any crap from anyone."

Out to dinner with a friend last week and she commented on how great I looked, what was I doing etc....and I responded graciously thanking her for her kind words...eating smaller portions....working out with a trainer 5x a week...etc.

I allow myself an occasional glass of wine (NUT is OK with this and generally don't even finish it.)  (And don't drink while eating).  So my wine was about half full during dinner when the waiter comes over and asks if we would like another.  I declined but my friend, not once, NOT TWICE, but THREE times said something like "oh go ahead and have another."  I finally turned to her and said  STOP IT!

When I stopped eating when I judged I had 3-4 oz of protein...there she was again, egging me on to eat more which of course, I didn't.

A few days later I called her on the phone and she responded-- "hi skinny!!!."  OY.  I am 5'5", 225 pounds and I am just inching into size 18 womens clothing.    Sigh....

Because she is someone I like and I truly feel is a genuinely nice person and just ignorant in this department, I had a heart to heart with her that day and I explained that it was imperative for me to lose weight for health reasons and that I knew that she would want to support me. And, the best way to do that was to not make comments about what I am eating or drinking, or not eating or drinking, and that I did not like my food choices to be the topic of discussion during our otherwise fun outtings together.

As I expected, she really felt bad, apologized and has been on exemplary behavior on the topic ever since.  While I enjoy her company (and her husband's) these are poster children for who I wouldn't tell about the surgery unless I wanted to spend the rest of my years talking about it.

[Namaste123]

I'll probably be in the same boat. People think if you're not 400 pounds you don't need it.
I learned while I was single in between marriages that there's a huge secret in this culture. A lot of men prefer bigger women, at least for sex. But it's a dirty little secret. They'll think about it, have casual
Relationships but they don't want anyone to know and wouldn't openly date a larger woman. It depends on what race and culture you were raised in too. I realized that our perceptions of what is sexy are so arbitrary. So what if certain people think I'm hot right now? I'm not doing OT to look good, it's for health and longevity.
I even had a man I was friends with one time tell me not to lose any more weight when I was over 200
pounds because he thought I looked great.
I guess my point is yes people do find people of all sizes attractive but that has little to do with this doesn't it?

[AngelaMarie]

The pre-op nurse just before my surgery told me "this is so great! Now ur husband will find u so much more attractive" I told him that really hurt my feelings. I would hope my husband finds me attractive no matter what I weigh seeing how he loves me. What a jerk that nurse was....made me cry right before the surgery

[Looking2Lose]

I hear the same things now too..." oh you're not that big, you don't need the surgery. Just work out and do it the healthy way." Well guess what PEOPLE I have done it those ways and yes it worked for a few months but it all came back and then some. I am too the point where I can care less of what other people think and I am doing this because it is something that I need for my health! I have a child that I want to see grow up and have kids, I want to be able to have to energy to play with him and do all of the fun things that I don't have the energy to do right now. My child is 4 years old now and I can't even really play with him, no running because I do not have any energy. Besides the point, I believe that if you are concrete in your decisions don't let anyone hinder what your thoughts are. I definitely understand when people say things like that, its almost like, damn how do I respond? Be offended or take it as a compliment or both? Well good luck girly. Too bad you aren't close to me and neither is your friend cause I wanna do the bootcamp!!