Mrs.NA

Need to vent a little

9 posts in this topic

Sorry in advance but I need to vent

First my husband was quite happy that I am getting surgery, which made since because I am taller than him, twice his weight and almost twice his size in inches. He barely touched me in the last year, and I can only think it has something to do with him not being attracted to me any more. Hurtful, but understandable. Then, each Dr I look at going to see, he wants me to keep looking around. Now the first one I chose was in Mexico, so going involved a 16 hour trip across 2 countries so yes, I get it, do it closer to home. I suggest a surgeon in Montreal, he is all for it until I have the consultation, then he wants me to keep looking to have more options open... well, sorry hunny but I've made my final decision here. 

As the surgery gets closer, I try to talk to him about how hard it is for me to say no to food and my weakness is sugar. This man has no experience with any kind of addiction, and his lack of empathy has become painfully obvious during this conversation. Still we are both looking forward to surgery. 

Fast forward to the night before at the hotel. I am getting dressed and making it so he can't see me naked (I haven't felt comfortable naked in front of him in months). He tells me that he's going to miss my body. Like seriously? If you liked my f*>}%># body than why have you neglected it for so long!?

For th next couple of days he was by my side. He was extremely sweet and helpful. He would make me broth bring me water, just wanted to make sure I was okay. 

Then we come home. We stopped on the way home for supper... I had the broth from soup and he had a burger and fries. Even left me alone at the table with it long enough to consider chewing the fry and spitting it back out. I told him after (and a little during) that this was a hard thing for me. 

So... we have a 3 year old who still crawls in bed with us at night. Our first night home he did the whole bed routine alone. She came in bed early in the morning and everything was fine. The second night I gave her a bath and after taking pain meds found myself falling asleep while holding her on the sofa as she was falling asleep. I thought I would be stuck there. I kept trying to convince her to lay in the bed with me, and if she did fall asleep there was no way I could lift her to move (she weights around 40-45 lb). Finally she walked to the bedroom and we all lay in my bed (turns out he wasn't sleeping during this time he was just on his computer in the room). That night she kicked me in my stomach. I told him I couldn't sleep with her any more. The next night she kicked me twice in the stomach and I spent the next day in so much pain I couldn't eat or drink anything until afternoon. I took an air mate up for me to sleep on. Last night he slept on the air mattress with her and was so grumpy this morning. He asked if he had to take her to daycare. I told him my mom could take her but then he woke her up so he had to. He took my air mattress downstairs (which is where I'm likely going to sleep tonight) and asked her if she wanted to stay home today. It felt like... here Natasha... have surgery and then you have exactly one week, kicked in the stomach or not, to be back to normal and be able to chase after a 3 year old alone. I'm just so upset about the whole thing... it's not like I'm making up excuses to be lazy. I'm showering everyday. I'm cooking suppers or at least cutting the tomatoes and onions for supper. I'm making the bed every day. I'm doing laundry. I'm cleaning up after myself. I'm getting the kids ready and off to school in the morning. I'm doing everything I can... I just can't f€}££{€ sleep with a squirming 3 year old. I never asked him to sleep on that mattress, he offered. And if he wasn't comfortable he could have move to the bed. If he doesn't want the mattress upstairs he can sleep in the spare room downstairs with her when she crawls in bed... I just didn't go down there because it's hard to rush up the stairs if one of the kids needs me. URGH!

sorry for the long vent. If your still reading this you must be a saint. Thank you for letting me get all that out. 

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Natasha, I am so sorry for this frustrating week you've had.  You know you can't expect yourself to be 100% a week out....but clearly he doesn't know/grasp that.  My mind automatically went to how selfish he is being, but then I think i should give him the benefit of the doubt....does he really KNOW how hard this is for you?  Sounds like a sit down tonight, after the kids have gone to bed would be helpful.  Thank him for helping when you had the surgery done but then say "I am still not back to normal now and I really still need your help".  

Personally, I am a "suffering in silence" kind of a gal by nature, but I have had to learn to ask for help (next to the hardest thing I have had to learn!).  My husband explained one day (and our marriage counselor confirmed) that guys don't always have a clue and actually would like to be told (not to be bossed around but have it explained to him) what we need and how they can help.  That made a world of difference.  My dh is great, very helpful and sensitive to what I need, but it wasn't always that way.  (and btw, having a 3 yr old and other kids is hard enough to manage much less after major surgery)   Make sure you stress to your hubby it IS major...just because you only have small incisions, don't forget that your abdomen was blown up and tools inserted and big pieces cut out and stapled and sewn back together in ways that are not natural, and that IS major surgery!  

They need a board for our spouses to post like this so they know how to help support physically and emotionally! 

Hope you feel better, but do NOT overdo it or you will set yourself up for failure and discouragement.  ((HUGS)))

Edited by CJireh
Readytobeme and Aussie H like this

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Ugh, so sorry you're dealing with that, Natasha.  If you want a point of reference - you and I had surgery the same day, and I'm doing essentially nothing still.  I'm walking a lot, that's really it.  Granted, I don't have a kid!  I have a dog and a cat, though, and my room mate is dealing with feeding them, letting them out, and walking them, everything. She's also doing my laundry, bless her, because I can't carry it down to (and back up from) the basement. I walk alongside them on the dog walking, but don't hold the leash, because my dog bolts when there are bunnies or rabbits involved - and I wouldn't have the strength to hold her, though I would probably try, and end up hurting myself.  And by all accounts I'm having a great recovery!

I suspect I'm going to be doing a lot more for myself soon, because I'm starting to feel better; I can drive now, when I couldn't even be driven around before (how did you do it right after surgery!?  I felt every bump in the road on the way home from the hospital, like a kick in the tummy).  But the lifting restrictions will stay in place for a while, so even after I feel more capable, there will be things I can't do. The same goes for you.

I like @CJireh's suggestion of sitting down with him and going over how you're feeling, what needs to get done, and what you're capable of doing.  Sometimes guys just need to be told.  And speaking as someone who is... not one of nature's great caregivers... sometimes it gets overwhelming and even though you know you're being irrational, you just want things back to normal.  It might help him also to have a rough timeline of when you will be able to do what.

As for the rest... I know how you feel.  It's been a long time since I've been willing to be naked with the lights on, too.  I wish I had some advice for that, but I've never been one of those "love your body at every size" people.  I just couldn't do it.  I think something like that will take a lot of communication with your husband.  It sounds like maybe you've both been skipping some important conversations about intimacy - and intimacy is basically made UP of conversations about hopes and fears and weaknesses and strengths, right?  So maybe you could try initiating some, in quiet moments?  You're going to be going through a lot of changes, and checking in with your partner seems important.  

I'm so glad you felt like you could vent here, sometimes it feels like the only place I can be really honest.  That's what it's for!  Keep us updated, okay? 

Aussie H, Readytobeme and Gretta like this

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Mrs.NA, I sympathise with you...I really do....BUT.....the decision to have surgery was your decision not your husbands. You put yourself into the situation where your dietary needs would have to change. It seems your husband did have problems surrounding your surgery that were not resolved before it happened. That could well be an issue for you now well into the future. It does sound like your communication with each other is less than desirable. The fact that he could sit with you post surgery and eat a burger and fries doesn't auger well for your success moving forward. It is sabotage on his part....whether he realises it or not is a whole other question, and it's an issue you nee to address sooner rather than later. You can't expect him to give up foods he likes just because you had surgery. You can however ask him politely to consider your feelings and eat them elsewhere.

My partner of many decades was my biggest problem when it came to me losing weight. He passed away before my surgery and there are many times now I think back on my life with him and realise just how much easier it is now to lose weight without having temptations shoved in my face everyday, let alone the almost daily run-ins regarding portion sizes.  WLS can be really tough on partnerships, and many don't survive. If you want yours to continue then you need to communicate your needs as well as listen to his. Don't let his issues though stand in the way of your needs.

Readytobeme and BurgundyBoy like this

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He just may be clueless. He was considerate after surgery. That is a very positive indicator.

Can you bring him to any postoperative sessions near where you live? 

Just give him instructions. He may just be out of his depth.

No kid in bed while healing from surgery, give it 2 weeks before revisiting.

No eating garbage foods with you for a while, please. (In future it will likely be OK because you just won't care.) Don't berate him for being clueless, unless you've told him clearly. I struggled with this only a little; my family did not sign up for my surgery, I did. But everyone's sensitivity to trigger foods is different.

Tell him you miss his affection and hope the surgery will help. 

Ask him how he is feeling every once in a while. 

Good luck. Consider couples therapy. It helps, I know!

 

 

Readytobeme and Stephtay like this

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Thanks everyone. We did talk about things and I think it's a combination of him not really knowing certain things and me being overly sensitive when he stresses out. I do know that this was my decision, but it was also his (if he said it wasn't a good idea then I wouldn't have gotten it). We were both very educated on the surgery itself, but I don't think he always gets the psychology behind it all. We will continue to talk things out. I really appreciate all of the support here. It helps to put things into perspective before approaching him and then I can enter the conversation a little calmer. 

Thanks everyone!

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@Mrs.NA  how are things going for you (and for your dh) this week?  any better?

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44 minutes ago, CJireh said:

@Mrs.NA  how are things going for you (and for your dh) this week?  any better?

Things are better this week. It's a little rough because he wants to do everything, but he can't and I want to help more, but I can't. I think as the healing progresses and I can be and feel a little more useful around the house it will be okay. 

Thank you for asking :)

Readytobeme, LeeC, Jen581791 and 1 other like this

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I hope that things are continuing to get better. We are here to listen and to help support you. 

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