FindYourPassionInLife

Husband seems bipolar about surgery

12 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

It's so back and forth depending on the day. I'm having GB in August, got the ball rolling to start it last October. At that time my husband would move mountains to get me approved for it and was 110% supportive saying he'd do anything to make it happen and could take off any time needed to watch our young kids and we're in this together. Then 2 months later when I was seeing docs for it he became completely unsupportive and said I shouldn't do it. Bitter even. 3 months later he was on cloud nine that I had been doing well at the nutritionist, etc and excited. A week or two later back to hating the idea and yelling how I better not expect him to take a single day off of work to have anything to do with it and I better find some babysitters while I go out of town for the pre appointments, etc because he's not wasting his time with my business then recently he did put in for days off the week of my surgery and for my last preop appointment day so he's up for it but still bitter and makes me feel guilty that it's a waste of time still........did any of you have your significant other be so completely bipolar or up and down about your surgery?? I know I can't be the only one and that it is a huge life change. He isn't a bad guy, he just seems so extreme when it comes to expressing how he feels about it and I think he's confused himself.

Edited by FindYourPassionInLife

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Firstly, welcome to Thinner Times.

Is there a chance that you could get your husband to go to a support group or a visit to your surgeon with you?

My DH was on the fence about the whole thing until he came with me and saw my surgeon who explained it in a much better way than I ever could.

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Posted (edited)

Hi @FindYourPassionInLife, I don't have a good suggestion for you except what @cinwa suggested. I just wanted to express my sympathy. It's a big change for the patient, but also for the people who they live with, including spouse/partner or children. My husband has been really positive about it, but he gets a little irritated with me now and again (no more nights out drinking and dining, no more big Sunday brunches, no more snacking in front of the TV in the evenings, etc). Your husband has probably got a lot of conflicting feelings and fears about the future right now. I wish he was more supportive of you, though.

Edited by Jen581791

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I think he's scared & nervous (about your safety, how life will change, etc.) and doesn't know how to express himself. The more appointments and support groups you attend together, the better. Maybe even a couple therapy sessions. After surgery, you WILL have some crankiness. Better to not let this all blow up then

 

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We make the decision for WLS and to a lesser or greater extent our SO and/or families come along for the ride. It sounds like he is scared. I would try to get to the bottom of his fear. Scared you will die? Scared you will change in ways that he doesn't like? Scared you will get super hot and leave him? Whatever is going on with him, try not to let it impact you too much. You have no reason to feel guilty. In my opinion, taking care of yourself and your health is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. 

 

 

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Although I totally agree with the responses above, let me give you a guy's perspective - for what it is worth.

Some guys really don't like change. We stick with sitting in the same chair in the evening, wearing the same clothing, eating the same foods, drinking the same drinks, hanging with the same people, etc. This kind of guy will support his wife, as he wants to make her happy and keep the status quo, but he also will not want his wife to do anything radical that will change his comfortable status quo. Thus, he will support his wife about having weight loss surgery one day, and oppose it the next day. It's just a guy thing. 

My advice - get the surgery. He'll be fine with it as long as it does not change his ability to be in his comfort zone.  Don't try to get him to change as you change.  By the way, his life will change, but let the changes be gradual.

This type of guy really wants to be told that the surgery will not change his life too much. 

We are here to support you. 

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@FindYourPassionInLife

Sounds like a mix of enthusiasm for your better health mixed with fears

My wife was dead against it and it turned out it was her fear I would die from the surgery. What I saw on the surface as opposition was a demonstration that she cared for me. She, and all her family, are driven by risk avoidance and their anxieties have sometimes driven them to poor decisions (in my view, not theirs). She had to independently get some opinions and then could hear what i was saying. She is now so happy I have lost weight (and indeed am not dead from the surgery and had no complications). Perhaps your husband doesn't know what to think or in wrestling with these kinds of fears. 

These are some background articles written for the general public by reporters at the New York Times on having surgery. Maybe these will be helpful to your partner since you can discuss WLS with him based on the facts, not fears. There was also a great article published in December in the NYT on bariatric surgery - a couple of people who lost a lot of weight. I think you will need to engage with him as suggested by the others (at the surgeon's, some informational meetings, or in some therapy sessions) and perhaps these stories will prove an ice-breaker for the subject.

Best of Luck. My two cents is get the surgery. BB //////

Posted May 31 · Report post

this story was about why the people on the TV show who lost weight couldn't keep it off. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.html?_

Why surgery works and diets don't. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/13/well/why-weight-loss-surgery-works-when-diets-dont.html

Americans mistakenly think obesity is due to a lack of will-power. (No, it's genetics and environment). 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/01/health/americans-obesity-willpower-genetics-study.html

The science behind the set-points we have and about our metabolisms. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/08/opinion/sunday/why-you-cant-lose-weight-on-a-diet.html

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21 hours ago, FindYourPassionInLife said:

It's so back and forth depending on the day. I'm having GB in August, got the ball rolling to start it last October. At that time my husband would move mountains to get me approved for it and was 110% supportive saying he'd do anything to make it happen and could take off any time needed to watch our young kids and we're in this together. Then 2 months later when I was seeing docs for it he became completely unsupportive and said I shouldn't do it. Bitter even. 3 months later he was on cloud nine that I had been doing well at the nutritionist, etc and excited. A week or two later back to hating the idea and yelling how I better not expect him to take a single day off of work to have anything to do with it and I better find some babysitters while I go out of town for the pre appointments, etc because he's not wasting his time with my business then recently he did put in for days off the week of my surgery and for my last preop appointment day so he's up for it but still bitter and makes me feel guilty that it's a waste of time still........did any of you have your significant other be so completely bipolar or up and down about your surgery?? I know I can't be the only one and that it is a huge life change. He isn't a bad guy, he just seems so extreme when it comes to expressing how he feels about it and I think he's confused himself.

I'm sorry to hear about the drama you are going through to make this surgery happen.

Is your husband overweight, what's his health like?  Also is he normally comfortable/happy to help with watching the children?

I just wonder if there could be some uncertainty issues or possibly jealousy where your upcoming weight loss is concerned. 

Talk it out with us here. I am so excited for your upcoming surgery, mine will be in mid or late August.

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5 hours ago, Res Ipsa said:

Some guys really don't like change. We stick with sitting in the same chair in the evening, wearing the same clothing, eating the same foods, drinking the same drinks, hanging with the same people, etc.

Dude. If you're going to spy on me through my windows or whatever, just come to the door and introduce yourself.   :D

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22 minutes ago, Michael_A said:

Dude. If you're going to spy on me through my windows or whatever, just come to the door and introduce yourself.   :D

Hahahahaha! This is the best response! 

BurgundyBoy, Michael_A and Res Ipsa like this

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I agree..  no one likes change.  Why do you hint it took so many of us to get it gear for surgery.  We waffled back and forth.  At least I did.  I was scared..  he probably is too.  Take him o an appointment, he can ask questions.

i was scared to tell my hubby I was going through the hoops for surgery.  He'd see me fail many jets in the past.  But he's been my biggest supporter.  

Good luck!

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My hubby was 110% supportive of me having WLS. Especially after hearing one of my doctors tell me flat out that I was killing myself, and if I wanted to live past 60, I needed to do something about it now. That does not mean, however, that he was not worried that something would go wrong during, or after, surgery. He had moments of doubt because he was worried about me. He didn't express them verbally unless I brought it up when I could tell he was stressing over it. I think part of your husband's bipolar"ness" is most likely fear. I agree with the other's advice, and possibly see if he will attend some of your appointments with you, or even see a therapist together. He may feel better about the whole situation if he can get his fears out in the open in a safe environment. I hope you can get him on board, and stay there, sooner rather than later. Although this will affect your loved ones almost as much as it will affect you, you need to do this to get healthy for yourself. Here's hoping things get better soon! 

Res Ipsa likes this

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