Megans0988

Unsupportive

25 posts in this topic

I have been struggling with my weight since I can remember and has just gone down hill from meds and getting older. I have upper respiratory syndrome and GERD stomach ulcers esophagus hernia. I've tried weight watchers I work out 3 times a week , I chase 3 year olds all day and can't get the weight off. I didn't know how to tell my husband cause I know he would be against it like most things. But he found a paper in my bag about it and now he's like you are not getting that, that's the easy way out he never supports me in anything and I really need this to be healthier.

NerdyLady likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Get the ball rolling on your own. Your husband has an opinion, but it's an uninformed one. Where did the paper come from? Have you been to a seminar?

Jen581791, Hotmamatime and Stephtay like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Megan, it sounds like you're in a hard place right now. It's normal to fear what we don't understand, and surgery sounds scary to many loved ones. Would he go to an information session with you? If this is something that you feel would make you a healthier happier person, you should get things going yourself, as Gretta said. Support may come with better knowledge. I hope you can get this figured out. 

Maybe someone who's had to really convince a partner can share some ideas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry that you don't have a supportive spouse.  I agree with the above suggestions on trying to educate him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree, see if he would accompany you to nutrition appointments or doctor.  I feared my hubby would view it as "another diet attempt" which he saw me fail many diets.  But after more than a month in I told him and he's been my biggest supporter since!  He's always behind me and looking out for me.  We are on vacation this week on a very remote, small island and he's been concerned that I'm not getting enough protein.  (I hate fish, don't like jerk seasoning and that's pretty much it for here; have found BBQ and baked chicken a couple times-thank God for protein bars and string cheese I brought!).  

Many uninformed people think this is "the easy way out".  They haven't a clue!  Sure, I had it easy; lost weight and had no complications; and if it was the easy way out, I guess after years of dieting I earned it!  My psychologist in going through the wls program told me, if any one thinks it's the easy way out show them the list of rules you will live with the rest of your life;)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Megan, is there any way you could get your DH to read the forum?  

Trish1967 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad somebody has had this problem he will not see it my way and looked at the nutrition program I think I will bring him to a visit. He's been the same weight all his life eating whatever and has no idea.

Cheesehead likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

By the way, as you educate yourself about what life is like with a gastric bypass, you should read this guide on life after the surgery from one of the best hospitals in Boston:

https://www.tuftsmedicalcenter.org/~/media/Brochures/TuftsMC/Patient Care Services/Departments and Services/Weight and Wellness Center/GBP Diet Manual12611.ashx

Let me add, that my only regret about having a gastric bypass a few years ago is that I waited too long to have it.  The surgery has allowed me to become healthy, thin and so much more alive. The impact of the surgery on my lifestyle, now that I am at my goal weight, is quite minimal.

There is a myth that one inevitably will regain some or all of the lost weight in the years after weight loss surgery.  While may be true for some people (who refuse to eat a fairly healthy diet), many of us reach our goal weight and then maintain at our goal weight thereafter.  For example, this chart shows my weight loss:

 

weight.png

Trish1967, Havamal and Jen581791 like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah I have been to the informational seminar he found the papers in my purse. Told me I wasn't doing it, told me I was crazy for wanting to get cut up I tried to educate him but I'm going to take him with me. He has never struggled a day in his life with his weight so he just doesn't know. I will do it no matter what he says it's just frustrating not having a supportive spouse 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stay on the path. Don't let him deter you. Hopefully, he will get on board sooner rather than later. I believe there are at least a couple of people here who had surgery when their spouses didn't want them to. I hope they will chime in. Good Luck and stay focused on doing what you need to do for you.

Trish1967 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Dear Megans0988, 

My spouse was dead against my having surgery - she was concerned about the risks and is very very risk averse. After I put a fair amount of pressure on her, she spoke to a number of people, including the spouse of a one of her co-workers who is a bariatric surgeon. She did her due diligence and swung to the side of surgery. I was pretty depressed about her opposition but in the end it worked out well. 

It's not the easy way out. Going through surgery and the subsequent life style changes is no joke. But it is THE ONLY PROVEN METHOD FOR WEIGHT REDUCTION. All of the US medical associations recognize it as the only proven route. Maybe your husband will listen to a doctor or people who have had the surgery.

Diets fail 99.9% of the time. If the only "acceptable" route to weight loss is the one with a 99.9% failure rate, then that definition of acceptable is faulty. It is my belief that all the diet organizations will shift to a "healthy living" model because they know they can't show that their (expensive) programs lead to sustained weight loss.

Just yesterday I looked at the data on adopting a low carb, high protein, Mediterranean-style diet ... one of the best and healthiest .... 2 years later, in the people who did not drop out of the study, the average loss was 6 kilos, or about 13 pounds. Whoop-de-doo. I am now down 39 lbs after surgery, 49.5 pounds total, not quite 2 months after surgery. My trajectory of weight loss has not slowed down either and I think I can reasonably expect a lot more loss. 

I would be armed with facts to use in future discussions with family members.

(1) Surgery works, diets don't. That is scientifically proven. You've tried the latter, like everyone else on this site. Diets fail because we are hard-wired not to lose weight - our ancestors lived in different times where starvation was the threat, not obesity. On this website there are a lot of people who can provide information for you to supplement what you are getting at the doctor's office. You can also get individual success stories here, which are emotionally powerful. Scientific studies inform our brain but stories inform our hearts.

(2) Laparoscopic surgery now has a death rate (yes, let's get real) of 1-2 per thousand, which is on a par with elective gall bladder removal. This low number is what helped my wife to overcome her fears for my welfare. 

(3) Resolution of medical illnesses - diabetes, hypertension, arthritis problems, others - leads to significant increases in lifespan. I was "prediabetic" and "prehypertension" and had crippling back and arthritis issues. I had sleep apnea and couldn't use CPAP, and hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep in years and years. Online lifespan calculators suggest I have increased my lifespan by 13 years by having surgery. I balanced the 0.1-0.2% risk of death with the 13 extra years... for me, the decision was not even close.  

There are a bunch of popular press articles on the surgical route that we can scrounge up and post for you (and your husband or other family members) to read if it would help. 

Edited by BurgundyBoy
Add text; posted before it was complete.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Megan, I haven't read the other comments. Hope I'm not repetitive. I feel strongly about having our spouse on board or at least for them to be by our side even if there are reservations. Eductate, ask for at least an ear, bring them to an appointment so they can hear from the doc. Although it is your life and your body it will affect you two together. I hope he will be open to listen and do some of his own research. Yes, your health is so important and it is best if support from home is with you.. I think.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Megan,

I went through a similar situation with my wife. She is on board with it now and is my biggest supporter... even when I have had doubts about this decision, she has none. Her having an open discussion with the surgeon, Nutritionist, and a couple of people that have gone through the surgery is what changed her mind. In addition to having your spouse meet with the doctors, etc... also check and see if the facility/doctor you are having the surgery through has a support group that meets, actually being able to talk to someone that is living it makes a huge impact. 

I wish you the best of luck with this. The decision and process carries enough stress by itself, you don't need the extra baggage of a non supportive person on top of it. Stick to your convictions and remember this forum is full of people that will always be here to support you, let you vent frustrations and provide a wealth of information. :) 

Megans0988 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Trust me next time I have an appointment I'm bringing him. I have lived with this long enough, he supports nothing I do. So. Not surprised he isn't with this either he thinks it's the easy way out even tho he has seen the nutrition plan.

Havamal likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Megans0988 said:

Trust me next time I have an appointment I'm bringing him. I have lived with this long enough, he supports nothing I do. So. Not surprised he isn't with this either he thinks it's the easy way out even tho he has seen the nutrition plan.

Even assuming that a gastric bypass was the easy way out, what is wrong with that?  If one has an infection one takes antibiotics, the easy way out, rather than just let your body fight the infection.  If one had diabetes one takes insulin, the easy way out, rather than just hope that your body will keep you alive without help.  If one has to travel 10 miles to work in the snow, one takes a car, the easy way out, rather than bike or walk.  Etc.

Moreover, science has shown that it is almost impossible for a person to lose a lot of weight and keep it off long term without surgery.  Our bodies simply will not let us lose lots of weight and keep it off. The surgery, especially the gastric bypass, is a weight "reset" button for our bodies, so that we can both lose the extra weight and keep it off long term.

We are here to support you.

athenarose, cinwa, Stephtay and 3 others like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/12/2017 at 11:58 AM, Megans0988 said:

Yeah I have been to the informational seminar he found the papers in my purse. Told me I wasn't doing it, told me I was crazy for wanting to get cut up I tried to educate him but I'm going to take him with me. He has never struggled a day in his life with his weight so he just doesn't know. I will do it no matter what he says it's just frustrating not having a supportive spouse 

Would it help if he spoke to someone who has had the surgery and their spouse? He could see and hear first hand how the surgery has changed lives. I see that you live nearish me (Somerville). I'm a newbie, but I'd be happy to chat with him. I could ask my husband to talk you him too. If you know someone else who has had the surgery, you could ask them.

This is the best thing I have done for my health. I won't lie, it's hard. One of the hardest things I have done in my life. I have lost 29 lbs since the surgery (five weeks ago) and my diabetes has gone into remission. I haven't taken any insulin in almost five weeks. This is not the easy way out. This is the hard way to deal with your health issues and *the best* decision you will ever make for yourself. I wish I had done this years ago. I was just too ashamed. I wish someone had given me some tough love to get me to do this earlier.

Jen581791 and Res Ipsa like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, it's not really a question of "the easy way" vs. "the hard way." It's more "the rational, effective, scientifically proven way" vs. "the way that doesn't actually work long-term." I've lost weight many times in my life, including once going from 230 to 140 over the course of a year. I ate about 1200 calories a day. I exercised like crazy. It came back anyway, and then, when I got really depressed about the weight coming back, I just sort of gave up and a whole bunch more weight came with it. It wasn't a question of whether I had enough willpower to lose and keep it off - it just didn't stay off, despite my amazing lifestyle changes.

When I read the following article, I had my "aha" moment - I needed to do WLS: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.html  Even the Biggest Loser people, who had so much motivation and were very successful in losing, couldn't do it. Except the one who got WLS (more ex-BL people have done this, but just one in this study). The biological reality is that our bodies want to put the weight back on, and will do anything to succeed in that. Maybe if your husband understands that "earning" weight loss by doing it the old-fashioned way doesn't work long-term (less than 5% success rate), but WLS does (70%+ success rate), he will come around. 

I agree that talking to someone who's been successful would be a good idea. It may make it seem more like a real, normal option instead of a radical thing. 

Best of luck - stay strong.

Res Ipsa, NerdyLady, slars04 and 1 other like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Jen581791 said:

For me, it's not really a question of "the easy way" vs. "the hard way." It's more "the rational, effective, scientifically proven way" vs. "the way that doesn't actually work long-term." I've lost weight many times in my life, including once going from 230 to 140 over the course of a year. I ate about 1200 calories a day. I exercised like crazy. It came back anyway, and then, when I got really depressed about the weight coming back, I just sort of gave up and a whole bunch more weight came with it. It wasn't a question of whether I had enough willpower to lose and keep it off - it just didn't stay off, despite my amazing lifestyle changes.

When I read the following article, I had my "aha" moment - I needed to do WLS: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.html  Even the Biggest Loser people, who had so much motivation and were very successful in losing, couldn't do it. Except the one who got WLS (more ex-BL people have done this, but just one in this study). The biological reality is that our bodies want to put the weight back on, and will do anything to succeed in that. Maybe if your husband understands that "earning" weight loss by doing it the old-fashioned way doesn't work long-term (less than 5% success rate), but WLS does (70%+ success rate), he will come around. 

I agree that talking to someone who's been successful would be a good idea. It may make it seem more like a real, normal option instead of a radical thing. 

Best of luck - stay strong.

Jen brings up excellent points and reminds me of something my endocrinologist told me. She said that as a person in my 40's, it is harder to lose weight. She said my body is fighting with me to stay at an unhealthy weight because this is where it wants to be. She was right. Like Jen, I once went from 225 to 165 by going on the Atkins diet and taking appetite suppressants. It was depressing when I saw the weight crawl back on. My aha moment was insulin resistant diabetes. I wish I hadn't gotten to that point, but I am lucky that diabetes didn't shut down my kidneys or makes me lose my vision. 

Jen581791 and Megans0988 like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I should show him this article it's very interesting thanks for the tip!

Jen581791 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Megans0988, we can post some other similar articles that might be helpful to you. You'll know best what might or might not resonate with your husband. 

Jen581791 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Megans0988, these are well written and clear. Perhaps one of these will be useful to you. 

Why surgery works and diets don't. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/13/well/why-weight-loss-surgery-works-when-diets-dont.html

Americans mistakenly think obesity is due to a lack of will-power. (No, it's genetics and environment). 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/01/health/americans-obesity-willpower-genetics-study.html

The science behind the set-points we have and about our metabolisms. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/08/opinion/sunday/why-you-cant-lose-weight-on-a-diet.html

Jen581791 and Res Ipsa like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

My husband and I were in a pretty negative spiral for a long time (think decades) and even though it has gotten better in the last 2 years, I was hesitant to tell him what was going on. I decided I was doing the surgery and got almost everything prepped prior to bringing him on board. It really doesn't matter whether your husband is on board or not. Certainly it would be easier, but they don't have to understand how our heads work in regards to food. You are done being overweight and you are not trying to get your tubes tied in the 60's. You don't need his approval.

I didn't realize how I looked for my husband's approval for everything, and how I kept expecting him to be enthusiastic when I know he is pessimistic by nature. Being fat for so long, I questioned my worth and my abilities. That kind of dependence is a turn off and he was sick of so much neediness. I expected him to support me when I wasn't willing to fight for myself. I know you did not want your husband to find this information and I'm hoping he didn't rifle through your bag to find it. That being said, can you look to your healthcare team for support?

This is probably not a popular point of view but your husband may be thinking he's heard all this before and now you're going to go through major surgery and still not get the results you want. He may have seen you start other things and not follow through. He has a point. The people who are successful on this site (I have not been around long enough to be one of them) have changed every aspect of their dealings with food and they are transparent with their eating. Not everyone who is thin is a success - some people are very unhealthy, although they have lost the excess weight.

I was one of those who thought WLS was cheating. I didn't understand that it was a means to success, and that I would have to put in effort for the rest of my life to get and stay healthy. I don't know why I thought this way. Maybe because I had tried traditional methods so many times and failed. Maybe I was jealous. Now I think the idea of this being a cheat is stupid. If I had cancer, I would certainly use the most aggressive means I could to treat it. Morbid (which means "causing disease") obesity is a progressive illness as well, and some of us just don't get better without going full boar.

I have no regrets, although I did have a food dream yesterday. Lol. You can make this whatever you want. You can believe whatever you want about it and your husband's reaction to it. He may have underlying concerns about your safety that come across as him being a [email protected]. Decide you are going to be a success story. Be your own champion. Go for it! You can do it!

P.S. When my husband realized this was really happening, he came around.

Edited by slars04

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

This is not a comment on the OP or her spouse. This topic got me thinking about posts I've seen over the years so I want to share my POV.

In general, for anyone considering WLS, I think it might be helpful to know there are lots of reasons spouses aren't supportive of WLS. I've been on this site for over 4 years and I've seen people share all kinds of reasons their spouse/partner isn't supportive of WLS. Here are a few:

Concern their spouse will die.

Tired of riding the weight loss/gain cycle with their spouse and thinking this won't be any different.

Not wanting to address their own weight/food or addiction issues.

Being sexually attracted to their heavy spouse and fearing they won't desire their spouse in a thinner body. 

Liking that their spouse doesn't have a lot of self esteem or isn't very active/happy.

Fear that their spouse will "get hot and leave them for someone else".

I'm sure there are loads of other reasons why spouses either aren't initially supportive or supportive at all. No matter where your spouse/partner stands on your decision, I encourage every one to do what is right for them. Keep the lines of communication open and know their partner is probably scared of the unknown. Not many people really love change, especially if it is a change that is not of their choosing.

 

Edited by Stephtay
cinwa, Jabsie, athenarose and 7 others like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's true I never thought of that and he hates change. He is insecure I've shown him articles and he just shows me work out videos. He doesn't get it

Stephtay, BurgundyBoy and NerdyLady like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/15/2017 at 3:26 PM, Stephtay said:

This is not a comment on the OP or her spouse. This topic got me thinking about posts I've seen over the years so I want to share my POV.

In general, for anyone considering WLS, I think it might be helpful to know there are lots of reasons spouses aren't supportive of WLS. I've been on this site for over 4 years and I've seen people share all kinds of reasons their spouse/partner isn't supportive of WLS. Here are a few:

Concern their spouse will die.

Tired of riding the weight loss/gain cycle with their spouse and thinking this won't be any different.

Not wanting to address their own weight/food or addiction issues.

Being sexually attracted to their heavy spouse and fearing they won't desire their spouse in a thinner body. 

Liking that their spouse doesn't have a lot of self esteem or isn't very active/happy.

Fear that their spouse will "get hot and leave them for someone else".

I'm sure there are loads of other reasons why spouses either aren't initially supportive or supportive at all. No matter where your spouse/partner stands on your decision, I encourage every one to do what is right for them. Keep the lines of communication open and know their partner is probably scared of the unknown. Not many people really love change, especially if it is a change that is not of their choosing.

I agree with this post! My husband was (and is) a big part of my success. I'm so grateful. It's unfortunate that your husband is having a hard time getting behind your decision.

I spent a year researching weight loss for a blog I was writing before making the decision to have bariatric surgery. I read countless articles, clinical studies, etc...from credible medical sources. Here are some of the sobering statistics that sealed the deal for me:

  1. Only 1% of people who've lost 100+ pounds have been able to maintain their loss for 5+ years without surgical intervention. Literally 99% fail. 
  2. Patients are 50 TIMES more likely to lose and maintain their weight loss with bariatric surgery.
  3. Bariatric patients extend their lives by an average of 10 years as a result of having weight loss surgery.
  4. The relative safety of bariatric surgery has dramatically increased since the incorporation of the laparoscopic method.

The science and data is clear but convincing you isn't the issue. My answer to anyone who says it's the easy way out is simply...so what?! Our entire civilization has been built on the desire to always find an easier way to do things. Why would you do anything the hard way if you don't have to? I'm the healthiest I've been in my adult life and couldn't care less if someone disagrees with how I did it.

It's hard to know which of the things Stephtay listed is motivating your husband's lack of support. Aside from inviting him to be a part of the process and providing him with information, there's not much you can do. He's either going to be on board or not. I took a clear position early on; I'm doing this. Walk with me or get out of my way.

Do you have any other family or close friends you could connect with who you feel will support and encourage you?

WLS affects couples differently. Based on what you've written, your husband has demonstrated some pretty controlling behavior. This type of thing may not improve as a result of your surgery. If you're not already, I'd suggest getting some couples counseling or at least counseling for yourself. My hubby and I did it in the months leading up to my procedure and it was super helpful.

Stephtay, NerdyLady and Res Ipsa like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now