Kim M

Almost 5 years post op

30 posts in this topic

I have not posted for quite some time.  I have to say I have been struggling with regain and didn't feel I had anything to add.  Year 4 was a b&*%$.  I have been yo yo dieting the entire year.  Some might thing it is different because I have a tool.  I can only say this is what it feels like.  

I recently changed therapists and am doing a top up approach.  What this simply means is dealing with the symptoms first and the why later.  This is challenging.  My therapist feels my food is so limited due to many food restrictions, that have nothing to do with WLS, that I carb starve and then carb load.  She is trying to get me to eat healthy complex carbs at each meal.  Her theory is I won't feel deprived and won't binge. I have been at it for 2 weeks and am struggling to add the carbs.  I have binged once. 

I feel I am looking at the addiction model compared to complete recovery model and hope to fall somewhere in the middle.  I have no idea what that feels or looks like.

Emotionally I feel like a failure.  I am so ashamed of the regain.  I find myself not wanting to see people I have not seen since my thinner days.  It is hard going to work and knowing there are whispers about my weight gain. Mostly I hate looking in the mirror and avoid it at all costs.  I had to go shopping today for larger size clothes.  I hate myself for being in this position.  

Since I don't want this to be a poor me post,  I will try to end on a positive note.  I don't give up.  That is something.  I of course know what to do.  Each day I work toward that goal.  I want to be healthy.  I want to have some measure of ease with my relationship with food.  I would like to lose all of my regain, but at this point will settle for some.  

I know I could have gained all of my weight back.  I didn't.  

Wishing all well.  I would love to hear from the vet's out there and know how everyone is doing.  I could use some support.  I should have asked sooner. 

 

 

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Just take it day by day!  You know what you have to do.  Be mindful of what you eat, what you put in your mouth.  This is a daily struggle for some.  You can do it!

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You have nothing to be ashamed of. We have bodies that are constantly trying to put on weight. It's a daily battle. As for what you perceive as whispers at work, I take comfort in the fact that most people are pretty self-centered and far more concerned about their own woes than yours. I do get it, though. Does your therapist have a nutrition background? I've been lead astray and wasted a lot of time taking advice from therapists who aren't really qualified to give advice on food. Not saying this is the case for you, just brought up memories for me.

Please check in often. You WILL make progress. You're focused and capable. We're here to support you.

bellamoma, Jen581791 and Kim M like this

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It's great to hear from you Kim, though I am sorry your are struggling. It sounds like you are being very proactive in dealing with what's going on, and I hope you get some answers and relief soon.

xoxo

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Kim, one day at a time is the mantra, but all WLS veterans know that it's often one hour at a time. You know what works, and only you know what you need to do to get back there! We have your back with support and encouragement -- and ALL OF US want you to succeed!

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Be kind to your self. Thank you for sharing your struggle, it brings the reality that this isn't a magic fix; which is easy to believe when you are in your honeymoon period and invincible  

 

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Thank you all for taking the time to respond.  It is good to see the faces of those who have supported me though out this 5 years.  So glad to see the you are doing well.  I thought I would connect as I am cleaning out my closet of clothes that don't fit which is emotionally  exhausting.  Some I will give away, but some I will keep in hopes of one day being able to fit back into them.  

This is an insidious disorder.  I really never thought I would be in this position.  Why would I let go of feeling healthy and normal.  I lost sight of what I wanted and needed.   I am slowly getting back on course and acknowledging all that needs to be done to care for myself.  

I have been together with an amazing man for 2 years in June.  Surprise he loves me both thin and chubby!  He wants me to be happy and healthy.  He just came in to ask if there was anything he could do to help me with this.  He is my cheerleader.  

Love to all.  

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I'm sorry to hear about your regain. You can do this! You can get back on course, go back to basics and get on my fitness pal or something, and do what you did in the beginning! 

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Kim, your story touched me as I am trying as well to get myself together.  I've put on about 20 pounds in the last year or so, mainly thru drinking my calories.  I was starting to feel depressed and begin to binge and eat my life away once again.  I had an Ahhh Ha moment and thankfully reflected on where my life was headed once again, then I found this site... I'm starting to get back on track and am thankful for you all.  Reading has helped me deal with my food issues.  I will pray for you and hope that you will for me.  Hang in there and take it one meal at a time, we know what to do... break old habits and love our bodies eating healthy.  hugs. 

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On 4/27/2017 at 6:06 PM, Kim M said:

I want to have some measure of ease with my relationship with food.

Kim, 

Having followed you for several years now, I have to commend you on three points... 1. encountering this situation and taking another tactic to confront the issues and get back on track   2. the honesty which you admit your fears... knowing your co-workers are talking...the fear that you won't lose the regain.... 3. setting goals like the big one quoted here. 

There should be a whole field of study done on how to achieve "some measure of ease with my relationship with food."  At 2 1/2 years out, this is the biggest daily challenge, obstacle, problem.... call it what you will.  We face it every morning and at the end of the night, we judge our day based on how well we managed that relationship.  I use to wonder how if anyone was lucky enough to lose all their weight, why would they would regain it all again.  I now know, too well, how easy it would be to slip back into the old comfort routine....no matter how uncomfortable the ultimate result will be.   This is a marathon and finding the steady pace is often illusive.     

You have always been an inspiration, Kim.  You will fight a good fight. ... good luck with new challenge.   

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kim, i'm so sorry to read about your struggle. it really touches me deeply. thank you for sharing your struggle. it really is a struggle, every day.  please keep us posted on your progress. let go of yesterday, move forward. you can get control again. it is possible. many hugs to you. xo

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ps- your fella sounds like a keeper! 

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I'm certainly not a WLS vet, but I am definitely an unhealthy-relationship-with-food vet and a weight-loss vet, and I can certainly understand the position you find yourself in now. It sounds like you're making some great choices now: addressing the problem head-on, getting help, and self examining. It's ignoring the problem and not seeking help that got me to the point of needing WLS, certainly. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Why oh why has the field of nutritional science not advanced to the point of being able to agree on how people should eat in order to be healthy and happy??? 

 

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Thank you all for your continued support and kind words.  I truly am taking it  an hour at a time.  I just came back from a lunch with my family.   I did well I had fish and spinach and brought some home.  No bread, dessert or pasta.  Everyone else ate all of what I just mentioned even those who are obese.  It's okay I need to care for myself and that is what I am doing.  I have been seeing a new therapist for 1 month.  I am not sure if she is right for me, despite her specialty in eating disorders.  Time will tell.  Hoping all are doing well and living the life you deserve.

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On 5/5/2017 at 5:02 PM, bellamoma said:

ps- your fella sounds like a keeper! 

I am so fortunate.  It actually loves me.  I have never had a man love me like this.  I do not take this for granted.  It still blows my mind that I found the love of my life at 60!  It is never too late.

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On 5/5/2017 at 2:58 PM, ikantspel said:

Kim, 

Having followed you for several years now, I have to commend you on three points... 1. encountering this situation and taking another tactic to confront the issues and get back on track   2. the honesty which you admit your fears... knowing your co-workers are talking...the fear that you won't lose the regain.... 3. setting goals like the big one quoted here. 

There should be a whole field of study done on how to achieve "some measure of ease with my relationship with food."  At 2 1/2 years out, this is the biggest daily challenge, obstacle, problem.... call it what you will.  We face it every morning and at the end of the night, we judge our day based on how well we managed that relationship.  I use to wonder how if anyone was lucky enough to lose all their weight, why would they would regain it all again.  I now know, too well, how easy it would be to slip back into the old comfort routine....no matter how uncomfortable the ultimate result will be.   This is a marathon and finding the steady pace is often illusive.     

You have always been an inspiration, Kim.  You will fight a good fight. ... good luck with new challenge.   

Thank you for your kind words.  These are all measurable goals and not all have to do with my weight.   What I have come to understand is that there really is no comfort in food. I think there is a perceived comfort.  However, the beating that I inflict on myself is not worth it and yet it gets repeated.  This is the insanity of an eating disorder.  I want to show up everyday in my life and be fully present.   The is the best gift I can give myself.  Hope you are well and living life to the fullest.  

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On 5/5/2017 at 0:28 PM, terrendy said:

Kim, your story touched me as I am trying as well to get myself together.  I've put on about 20 pounds in the last year or so, mainly thru drinking my calories.  I was starting to feel depressed and begin to binge and eat my life away once again.  I had an Ahhh Ha moment and thankfully reflected on where my life was headed once again, then I found this site... I'm starting to get back on track and am thankful for you all.  Reading has helped me deal with my food issues.  I will pray for you and hope that you will for me.  Hang in there and take it one meal at a time, we know what to do... break old habits and love our bodies eating healthy.  hugs. 

There is a tremendous amount of support on the site.  Hoping you can make some adjustments and begin to feel good about the path you are on.  I thank you for your support and will offer the same.  Feel free to PM me anytime.  hugs to you. 

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17 hours ago, Kim M said:

I am so fortunate.  It actually loves me.  I have never had a man love me like this.  I do not take this for granted.  It still blows my mind that I found the love of my life at 60!  It is never too late.

I was so lucky to find mine at 30.  I know exactly of the love you are referring to. My husband loves me so deeply, it is amazing. He is still completely puzzled as to why I was so unhappy at a higher weight. Do you remember the show frazer? his brother niles loved daphne so much, he never saw her 70lb weight gain (they wrote it in to mask her pregnancy in real life). So while everyone else was expressing concern over daphne's massive weight gain, niles was puzzled and didn't understand what all the fuss was about, she was just beautiful daphne to him. That is my husband. He is my niles. Sounds like you found yours too! xoxo

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On 5/6/2017 at 6:53 PM, Kim M said:

I am so fortunate.  He actually loves me.  I have never had a man love me like this.  I do not take this for granted.  It still blows my mind that I found the love of my life at 60!  It is never too late.

 

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If your therapist thinks your card stave you should follow their advice and go for carbd. Sounds like you're fighting yourself and why not just give in and give it a go. There's a great book out there call Starch Solutions and it's all about high carb. What works for one doesn't always work for the other but I say relax try it and see what happens and then worry about everything else later. All you got to lose is possibly weight!! Good luck

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Posted (edited)

I'm so glad I read this post. I really needed this.

My scale has crept up a bit recently and I know that I need to buckle down to get back into my 4 pound goal window. Like most of us, I have likely spent thousands of hours of my life trying to figure out what the hell it is with me and eating?!? I know that a critical part of staying at my goal is getting to the bottom of why I became obese in the first place. It's an issue I've explored in therapy many times throughout my life but was never really able to figure it out. Recently, and with the help of a new therapist, I think I'm finally beginning to understand how I got here. I'm working on creating strategies and when I adhere to them, they really work. Here are a few:

  • I have tossed out the 'all or nothing' approach to food/eating. It has been at the source of every failed weight loss attempt I've ever had up until WLS. The slightest bite off plan and all was lost. Every single person I know that has a healthy relationship with food does not eat this way. I do not believe I can learn to live a life of moderation by practicing in extremes.
  • I do a quick journal entry/checklist/to-do list every morning. In it, I've replaced strict rules about food with a list of daily health goals. They include things like drinking 100+ oz of water, exercising, logging all my food, etc... I include these goals with other, regular ones I may have for the day like getting my oil changed or picking up dry cleaning.
  • I weigh myself every morning and keep track in my journal entry. Studies have shown that people who weigh themselves daily have better weight loss outcomes than those who don't. For me, it has become critical. It's my way of staying accountable. A small increase on the scale requires only a small course correction which feels much less intimidating. And when the numbers are good, I make the connection between meeting my health goals and positive outcomes on the scale.
  • If I find myself drawn to a certain food more than I'd like, I get rid of it. My husband is very supportive.

In order to stop myself from eating, I have to manage my obsessive thoughts about food. I'm working on this with my therapist and I'm starting to see positive results.

Thanks for your post! Hope is not lost. You're in the right place. Hang in there and please let us know how you're making out.

 

Edited by Jabsie
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On 5/6/2017 at 7:01 PM, Kim M said:

Thank you for your kind words.  These are all measurable goals and not all have to do with my weight.   What I have come to understand is that there really is no comfort in food. I think there is a perceived comfort.  However, the beating that I inflict on myself is not worth it and yet it gets repeated.  This is the insanity of an eating disorder.  I want to show up everyday in my life and be fully present.   The is the best gift I can give myself.  Hope you are well and living life to the fullest.  

Kim, thanks for all the honesty in your postings. It makes me think about what the future will hold, not tomorrow but years from now.

I love your phrase, perceived comfort, for food; and share your desire to be "fully present." Sometimes the latter requires that the veils before our eyes have to drop, and (at least for me) there has been such false comfort in those veils. Being present is hard but it is being true to oneself. All the WLS does is make our stomachs smaller. The decision to have WLS is another thing entirely. 

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On 5/5/2017 at 5:10 PM, Jen581791 said:

I'm certainly not a WLS vet, but I am definitely an unhealthy-relationship-with-food vet and a weight-loss vet, and I can certainly understand the position you find yourself in now. It sounds like you're making some great choices now: addressing the problem head-on, getting help, and self examining. It's ignoring the problem and not seeking help that got me to the point of needing WLS, certainly. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

Why oh why has the field of nutritional science not advanced to the point of being able to agree on how people should eat in order to be healthy and happy??? 

 

Oh, Jen581791 of the big smile, define healthy and happy!

I used to think it - happiness - was BBQ ribs, but now I have expanded happiness to include delicious protein shakes. But only vanilla, not the banana ones. Have to have standards, you know. Could be led astray otherwise in the pursuit of happiness. :blink:

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Well today is 5 years since my surgery.  It seems so long ago.  While I am not at a weight that is comfortable for me,  I am working on it.  My best advice is be kind and compassionate to yourself while working toward what you feel is a natural weight for you.  Also don't let others define what your journey will look like.  While we all have WLS in common, are life experiences can look very different and can certainly  make a difference on what path we take.  

Sending love to all. Never give up on yourself whatever your dreams may be. 

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7 minutes ago, Kim M said:

Well today is 5 years since my surgery.  It seems so long ago.  While I am not at a weight that is comfortable for me,  I am working on it.  My best advice is be kind and compassionate to yourself while working toward what you feel is a natural weight for you.  Also don't let others define what your journey will look like.  While we all have WLS in common, are life experiences can look very different and can certainly  make a difference on what path we take.  

Sending love to all. Never give up on yourself whatever your dreams may be. 

You are so right, compassion makes the world go around. Not giving up on yourself or letting others define the path.... Wise words. 

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