Raeme

Lost it

11 posts in this topic

Last week I attended a visitation, a funeral, and a burial all over several days with family and family friends that I see about once every year or two. 

Comments were made to me and about me constantly.  Things were said to other people when we were in groups but said loud enough I heard.  Some people spoke about me as if I was some kind of invisible person and couldn't hear what was being said. It was literally non stop.  Some of what I heard was:

"Well, you're STILL skinny."

"We all need to eat what your sister is eating since she's so teenie."

"It's just hard to believe she looks so good."

"I still don't recognize her at all." 

"I would have thought she would try to put some weight on she's too skinny"

"Exactly what size are those pants?"

"I wish Susie would do something about her weight she's even bigger than you were"

I ignored most of the comments for the most part but I managed to say thank you when I felt someone was being sincere.   If I was uncomfortable or felt like someone was being nosy or judgemental I said things to change the subject back to how beautiful the day was, how nice the service was, have you seen uncle don I need to speak to him, etc.  I would like to be able to say I handled the situation well the whole time; however, that is not the case.  

(Keep in mind that about three years ago when I was heavy I was with this group at another funeral and two different people at two different times thought I was my mother!!! Yes!! They thought I was the MOTHER of my sisters--one of who is older than me!!)

On the fourth day I was standing in a group of about 12 people and one aunt decided she needed to bring up my weight yet again.  She had made several comments publicly and privately and I had always changed the subject.  During a conversation lull she said to me across the circle of people, "Well I know 'John' (dh) HAS GOT to be so proud of you now that you've lost all that weight."  The look on my sisters' faces was priceless.  They were waiting for the redheaded crazy lady response lol.  Well they got it I guess.  I paused and said "Well, we have a great marriage.  As amazing and astonishing as it is to believe John was as proud of me as a big ol fat @*# as he is now because he actually values me as a person rather than a number on a scale."  I thought about running away after I spoke my mind but decided that I wasn't the jerk in the situation so I had no reason to flee so then I just stood there and stared her down until one cousin just bust out laughing and it started everyone laughing.  I'm already known to be really outspoken and a little nuts lol but understand too that in our extended family women do not swear (at least not in public), and we do not dress down our elders. 

Aussie H, Stephtay, Clickin and 8 others like this

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I think you handled it well. I also think the use of a well-placed out of character swear word can actually help convey the emotions of how you feel being spoken about in such a thoughtless fashion. Hopefully they'll back off in future. Mind you sadly the likely reality is they are all gossiping about how soon you'll regain.

I had a similar style of run in yesterday with a friend of a friend. She wanted to know when I was going to stop losing weight..... Hell!!!!  I'm still pre-surgery so can only imagine that this kind of confrontation is going to become more frequent. My answer was that I'm still obese with room to lose a lot more. As much as they try to pretend that I can't be obese still, facts are facts and that's all I say. Most people have no idea that I'll be having bypass surgery as I've left that in the need to know basket, and very few people need to know. They do know though that the weightloss so far is so I can qualify for foot surgery. They've seen me previously in a wheelchair and on crutches with a cast or moonboot. So far that excuse has kept the worst comments at bay. 

Unfortunately this kind of usually unwanted input from others is all part of the weightloss surgery journey. Second time around I've been able to anticipate it, but it is still really disappointing to see just how thoughtless and outspoken others can be. I say nip it in the bud as quickly as possible, and with any luck, at least a few of the gossips might actually get the hint. Many won't, but they may at least take it out of your earshot.

Res Ipsa, Raeme and Stephtay like this

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I say way to go!  Sometimes you can't shut up stupid!!  I always try to steer the comments away too.  The closest I've come to losing it was my monster in law.  Since we barely speak and when she brings my weight up I know it's time for me to turn and walk away.  She doesn't know I had wls.  She is short and round and has health issues.  Last summer she was on me about my weight and what I was eating and I had enough, I asked if she had considered losing weight to help her health...then I went to find the grandkids.  

Sometimes it's just too hard to bite your tongue for fear of biting it off!

Raeme and Stephtay like this

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Unbelievably I had two other people have a crack at my weightloss again this afternoon. I just stuck with the line that I'm still obese and would actually have to lose about another 20 kg (44lbs) to just get to the high limit for being in a healthy weight range. The others at the meeting I was at actually stood up for me and said I looked healthy unlike some people who look ill when they lose. I assured them that recent blood tests were all good and I am indeed quite healthy.

They did add though that I shouldn't lose much more...by this point I think my eyes were rolling in their sockets.....its gonna get much tougher once I do have my bypass surgery though. I did tell them today I'll be having surgery in a few weeks to remove some scar tissue in my stomach though as well as deal with at least one bowel adhesion, so I might have to get honest after the surgery and reveal that the surgeon needed to convert to a bypass during the surgery. Not that the reveal would stop the comments. This is indeed the part I hate about WLS and I haven't even had it yet!!!!!

Raeme likes this

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My new response is "My BMI is still in the normal range" and if they wonder what BMI means I'll tell them google it.

Stephtay and Raeme like this

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I gave up being gracious to the ingracious.  Why should they get a free pass at being offensive?  Nope.  Unless they have some disability, I let them know they are are overstepping.

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oh this was a fantastic read. good for you!!!! 

i was in a group text with my mom, brother and sis in law. my sis in law has previously said how offended she is by how everyone chases me around to ask me what size i am or how much i weigh or whatever. i mentioned in the text that I was out to eat with my sister. my brother replied, "what are you eating?" and my sis in law put on full snark and replied in all caps, 'YES, TELL US EVERYTHING YOU EAT".  it was great. 

Raeme, Res Ipsa and athenarose like this

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Last night a distant cousin called me to talk about the surgery.  She has been heavy her whole life.  Her doctor has suggested surgery before and her insurance covers it but she has never talked to anyone who had the surgery.  We were on the phone for almost two hours!!  She was so encouraged that today she is calling her doctor to make an appointment!  Helping her made me feel great!

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aw, that's great news!!! i'm happy your experience helped a loved one.  that is the ONLY thing that gives me pause about not disclosing my surgery. Maybe others in my family could benefit from my experience. But when i think about it long and hard, in my case, it's better to stay undercover.  I'm happy for you and your cousin! 

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On 3/30/2017 at 11:51 AM, bellamoma said:

aw, that's great news!!! i'm happy your experience helped a loved one.  that is the ONLY thing that gives me pause about not disclosing my surgery. Maybe others in my family could benefit from my experience. But when i think about it long and hard, in my case, it's better to stay undercover.  I'm happy for you and your cousin! 

I totally get being undercover about surgery!!  It is definitely a tricky decision whether to tell or not.   I honestly didn't plan to tell anyone except immediate family but then as I lost the weight I changed my mind and decided I don't care what anyone says about it.  In this case it wasn't talking about the surgery or how I lost weight that bothered me it was about my weight being the main topic of conversation.  Grr

athenarose and bellamoma like this

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10 hours ago, Raeme said:

 In this case it wasn't talking about the surgery or how I lost weight that bothered me it was about my weight being the main topic of conversation.  Grr

This. 

bellamoma and Raeme like this

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