BennyBlanco

Started dating a WLS gal, any advice?

4 posts in this topic

I just started dating a great girl who confessed to me about her WLS and her reversal, I would like any advice from someone who has been through it and may impart knowledge to a guy that wants it to work:) any medical issues, emotional pitfalls, or any advice on how to approach her about coming to the gym with me. I was looking at WLS as a younger man and have used drugs to help me lose and gain... lose and gain.... lose and gain.... I'm a grateful recovering addict and I fell for her mind and personality, I understand what it is like to not want to leave my house because I don't fit in any of my clothing! I want to help her lose weight for health purposes, because she said she has gained weight back since the reversal. I just would love for her to see herself the way I do:)

Gracias, 

    Benny Pérez 

P.S- you are all warriors in my eyes, I have so much respect for WLS patients:)

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Posted (edited)

Sounds like you're a very caring guy but you will be stepping into a field of emotional landmines if you decide to tackle this one head on. We all need to be in the right headspace when it comes to diet and exercise, and will only be successful if we are ready, willing and able to take on lifestyle changes. I suggest walking on eggshells for the time being. You must already know yourself that the biggest part of the weightloss process is diet. Exercise is only a small part, and gyms are often just not in the equation. 

Perhaps initially just model your healthy lifestyle rather than suggest she be right there with you. Make dates fun, physical activities that she is capable of achieving without embarrassment. Eating out should also be at healthier option places. You don't need to actually tell her why you are suggesting these kinds of activities, rather just let it seem natural. You can always put out there the offer to take her to the gym with you if she wants to go, but don't push it on her. Just leave it as an open invitation for if and when she is ready. In my experience only one mention is enough to know the offer is out there in the universe. Anymore than that, and I'd be starting to think the person offering didn't think I was good enough to be with them. Us women can get quite touchy at times, so pick your moment and your words with extreme caution. It needs to just come as part of a natural conversational flow.

Good luck!

Edited by Aussie H
bellamoma and Res Ipsa like this

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I applaud you for wanting to find out from us anything that might be useful. I also applaud your recovery.  I'm not sure what kind of health issues she may have since she had a reversal, but I would assume since she has had two major intestinal surgeries she may have some potential issues with digesting things and has a higher probability of other intestinal issues, but that is a guess.  I think your biggest challenge will be the psychological issues.  Again I'm going to just assume since I don't know - she probably was heavy at least most of her life and had lots of  issues with that which caused her to have the WLS in the first place.  The surgery and losing so much weight can then mess with the mind and we find ourselves changing a lot.  Again since I don't know why she had the reversal I have to assume it was because of medical issues (she may have lost too much weight, or there were complications with the surgery which caused it to fail) - and that would have probably messed with her mind quite a bit and maybe felt like a failure once again. Now she has gained weight back. She more than likely has many unresolved issues and should probably get some counseling if she isn't already.

I'm going to say this and some will agree and some will not.  I would say that most of us who have been heavy most of our lives have deep seated issues that we haven't dealt with and we are addicted to food.  We use it to make us feel better when we are happy, upset, sad, mad, whatever. Like addicts we know it is making us feel terrible about ourselves and it makes us sick, yet we will sit down and eat a box of cookies while crying because we are fat. Food addiction is as real as drug, alocohol, gambling, etc. addiction. The problem is that everyone has to eat to survive so it makes it very difficult.  After many have had WLS we have fallen into what is called transfer addictions - we suddenly shop beyond control because suddenly things fit and we feel good, one drink can get us drunk because we metabolize it so much different and many fall into alcoholism.  This is because we can no longer use our drug of choice - food - to make us feel better so we need to find something else. This happens when we haven't faced what the original issue(s) was in the past. Sometimes even if we think we have dealt with it, things can sneak up on us.  Some are going to vehemently disagree with me on all of this and some are going to cheer me on.  I'm not here to argue, I have my opinion and you were asking for advice.

Basically, tread lightly and realize that she may have some issues. You are in recovery so hopefully you can understand how she may feel.  But I wouldn't put pressure on her to confront her issues until she is ready too.  Like an addict - you can't force them to get help until they are actually ready to.

Good luck!

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I'm a guy, and I totally agree with the above advice.

Be kind to her, make it easy for her to eat a healthy diet without forcing one on her, love her for who she is, laugh and have fun together, show her that you trust her and value her opinion, and when she is ready she will open up to you. When that time comes, and you may have to wait a while, be supportive, listen rather than talk, and do not be judgmental. 

bellamoma, Clickin, SweetP and 1 other like this

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